Captain
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 501
# 141
08-01-2013, 08:29 AM
Here's some more reviews. My own story is coming along very very slowly-- while I have a clear idea of what it is that I want to write, real life keeps butting in. I'll try to get it written by the end of the week. In the meantime, some more reviews:


Gulberat: Huzzah, we finally get to meet Berat! Very well-written exchange between him and Alyosha, and I appreciate the fact that you were careful to tie in some of your earlier stories as well (Gul Tassok's daughter in particular). Post-Dominion Cardassia always intrigued me as a concept, and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who saw the in-game parallels between Cardassia and the Romulans (re: both still recovering from a major disaster, and getting embroiled in a civil war).

Well done. Your story actually has me wishing for a Cardassian faction sometime in the future...


danquellier: At last, we get to see things from your commander's perspective, and this story didn't disappoint. I really liked the fact that you included an apparition of Commander Keras in the story-- I always liked him and the ideals he represented over the sneaky,duplicitious Romulans of TNG. I was able to vividly imagine the whole conversation between him and your commander. I was also intrigued by all of the details you went into on Romulan culture and beliefs. Were these creations of yours, or did the come from some of the Trek novels?

Excellent as always. Please write more.


jonsills: I'm going to have to reiterate what everyone else said, in that I really liked Mycroft (although for some reason I imagined him sounding a lot like Wheatley from Portal 2...I don't know why). Otherwise, you wrote the encounter with the Elachi very well-- the revelation at the end was suitably horrific. Well done.

patchouli9: A very nice introduction to the Aviator and her crew! The conversation at the beginning built tension very nicely, and the entire story was a very tense calm before the storm. I'm also intrigued by your depiction of the Intergalactic Concordium, and I look forward to seeing you examine them further.

cmdrscarlet: Brilliant move by Kathryn there! When caught between a rock and a hard place, she simply uses the rock as a weapon. Very nice depiction of the scene through the Nausicaans' eyes, up until the the final "oh crap" moment at the end.



As an aside, who are people's favourite characters per writer, so far? The nominations for me are:


sander233: Frank Grimes, Intergalactic Man of Mystery. Oh, and General Ssharki.

gulberat: Alyosha Strannik. Everything written from his perspective comes out written extremely well.

marcusdkane: Some of your peripheral characters, like Claire and S'r'ss, used to be the most enjoyable, but I will admit that Amanda Palmer has really grown on me in recent stories.

jonsills: Grunt. The most competent...and unluckiest(?) Ferengi in Starfleet.

patrickngo: Enrico Montoya, the one character who continues to be badass long after his death.

shevet: Tylha Shohl, though Amiga and Kophil are also fun.

cmdrscarlet: Kathryn Beringer, by far.

danquelier: The Nameless Commander, though honourable nods also go to Rycho and Xa'Jev.

superhombre: Ch'Raul, though I also like T'Panna and, to a lesser extent, Yair. In general, I like the fact that most of your characters are so deeply flawed.

flamesight: Dylen! She is just so wonderfully evil.

(Note that I apologize to anyone else who didn't appear on the list, I was simply going with the characters who immediately popped to mind).

Last edited by ambassadormolari; 08-01-2013 at 02:26 PM. Reason: Forgot flamesight
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 237
# 142
08-01-2013, 09:36 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
Thanks What did you find confused/confusing? Is it something I can tweak to read more smoothly?
I guess I don't get what the background of the story is, I haven't really read any of your other entries.....so it's great, I'm just personally confused since I've not read any of your previous entries.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,446
# 143
08-01-2013, 09:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ambassadormolari View Post
As an aside, who are people's favourite characters per writer, so far? The nominations for me are:


sander233: Frank Grimes, Intergalactic Man of Mystery. Oh, and General Ssharki.

gulberat: Alyosha Strannik. Everything written from his perspective comes out written extremely well.

marcusdkane: Some of your peripheral characters, like Claire and S'r'ss, used to be the most enjoyable, but I will admit that Amanda Palmer has really grown on me in recent stories.

jonsills: Grunt. The most competent...and unluckiest(?) Ferengi in Starfleet.

patrickngo: Enrico Montoya, the one character who continues to be badass long after his death.

shevet: Tylha Shohl, though Amiga and Kophil are also fun.

cmdrscarlet: Kathryn Beringer, by far.

danquelier: The Nameless Commander, though honourable nods also go to Rycho and Xa'Jev.

superhombre: Ch'Raul, though I also like T'Panna and, to a lesser extent, Yair. In general, I like the fact that most of your characters are so deeply flawed.

(Note that I apologize to anyone else who didn't appear on the list, I was simply going with the characters who immediately popped to mind).
I would say the lesbianism helps, but to be fair, I know she'd been a fairly un-focussed character till now, so glad that the revelations have made her more enjoyable

I agree with your nominations, although Rusty is my favourite of sander's characters, with Ssharki and H'mL'n tied for second place, and Liz Tran and Eighty-Six are my favourites of patrick's

I forgot to say, Arkos is my favourite of your characters

Last edited by marcusdkane; 08-01-2013 at 11:18 AM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,446
# 144
08-01-2013, 10:01 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by aten66 View Post
I guess I don't get what the background of the story is, I haven't really read any of your other entries.....so it's great, I'm just personally confused since I've not read any of your previous entries.
Ahh, that's fair enough, I admit, I put absolutely no background to it, I'll have to bear audience awareness in mind more in future, and not assume prior knowledge on the characters
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,614
# 145
08-01-2013, 12:21 PM
Ok, the rewrite is in. @danqueller provided notes I decided to incorporate. Although longer than I prefer, it may be an improvement.

I also decided the antagonist should be as distant as his crew. Besides, we won't be seeing him again

I hate to ask for people's time to reread an entry, but as I also am not used to rewriting or adding to my entries, I'm hoping for additional feedback
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 539
# 146
08-01-2013, 12:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ambassadormolari View Post
As an aside, who are people's favourite characters per writer, so far? The nominations for me are:


sander233: Frank Grimes, Intergalactic Man of Mystery. Oh, and General Ssharki.

gulberat: Alyosha Strannik. Everything written from his perspective comes out written extremely well.

marcusdkane: Some of your peripheral characters, like Claire and S'r'ss, used to be the most enjoyable, but I will admit that Amanda Palmer has really grown on me in recent stories.

jonsills: Grunt. The most competent...and unluckiest(?) Ferengi in Starfleet.

patrickngo: Enrico Montoya, the one character who continues to be badass long after his death.

shevet: Tylha Shohl, though Amiga and Kophil are also fun.

cmdrscarlet: Kathryn Beringer, by far.

danquelier: The Nameless Commander, though honourable nods also go to Rycho and Xa'Jev.

superhombre: Ch'Raul, though I also like T'Panna and, to a lesser extent, Yair. In general, I like the fact that most of your characters are so deeply flawed.

(Note that I apologize to anyone else who didn't appear on the list, I was simply going with the characters who immediately popped to mind).
Let's see... favorite characters...

sander233: Frank Grimes, General Ssharki, and I'm also thinking Jesu and H'mL'n.

gulberat: Strannik hands down, but I would also like to see more of Admiral Berat.

marcusdkane: Amanda Palmer and Claire, though S'rR's is pretty interesting, too. But yeah, I'm definitely intrigued by Claire--part of me even wants to put an AI in at least one of my ships.

jonsills: Grunt, hands down. I just love hearing about his misadventures, though I look forward to the day when he finally gets a properly functioning ship, not a bucket of bolts held together with spit and baling wire.

patrickngo: Eighty-Six, once again because of the AI angle. Also Liz Tran, and I hope that the romance between her and Jesu continues after Road to Ruin is over. Though I am also liking some of the characters in his latest story, The Chase, namely D'Daku and Mary Moriarty, and that one Starfleet Ensign--she had guts leaving the ship like she did and jumping onto an enemy ship.

ambassadormolari: My favorite character among yours is probably Ta'nara, and I'm hopeful she and Veleen will get to interact sometime, be it in-game, here in an LC, or in another story.

No clue on any of the others--mainly focused on my favorite writers for these LCs.

EDIT: Actually, after reading the revised entry from cmdrscarlet, I'd say my favorite character from her would definitely be Katherine Beringer. And a great entry, scarlet!!
Originally KiraYamato before the Account Linking - True Join Date August 2008

"In the game of war, there are no clear rules you can follow." - Andrew Waltfeld

Last edited by takeshi6; 08-01-2013 at 12:42 PM.
Rihannsu
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 768
# 147
08-01-2013, 02:46 PM
Okay, trying a different style for this one. Call it minimalist. I'll see what people think before giving background, but both Kobobo and Molia are two of my characters in game.
Joined September 2011
Nouveau riche LTS member
Commander
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 419
# 148
08-01-2013, 02:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ambassadormolari View Post
danquellier: At last, we get to see things from your commander's perspective, and this story didn't disappoint. I really liked the fact that you included an apparition of Commander Keras in the story-- I always liked him and the ideals he represented over the sneaky,duplicitious Romulans of TNG. I was able to vividly imagine the whole conversation between him and your commander. I was also intrigued by all of the details you went into on Romulan culture and beliefs. Were these creations of yours, or did the come from some of the Trek novels?

Excellent as always. Please write more.
Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Commander Keras is the first Romulan we encounter, and to me, he always represented the noble side of their society. I imagine his loss was one of the major factors that began the fall of the Praetor and the rise of the Senate in power. Once the Senate was the power in the Empire, politics and the kind of deceptive tactics important to maintaining power in that part of the Romulan society became more important for the Romulan military leaders than the selfless dedication and military skill seen previously (the concept of political Generals/Admirals is one that has plagued all militaries throughout history). Just the sort of disfavored commander a young girl chaffing under her lot might read up on and dream about becoming when the duties in the Temple grew too boring.

I always saw Keras as the Romulan Kirk, the best of their captains and a maverick in not adhering to the tradition of obedience and complete faith in the Empire. Had the Enterprise been defeated in their fight, it's quite possible we would have seen Kirk's name dragged through the mud instead by the Federation, labeled as a foolhardy risk-taker who caused a war rather than follow orders and lost his ship because he failed to carry out his duty, so the parallels between the two are closer than they seem on the surface. I don't think Kirk ever again faced an opponent so closely matched to his own abilities and talent. From your comments, I like to think I did justice to Mark Lenard's portrayal of him.

As for the elements of Romulan culture, I hope you won't feel bad that I admit they are mostly my own constructions. I haven't read any of the Trek Rihannsu novels, and am simply drawing on what source material I can research online and by watching ST episodes, what I know (or think I know) of Roman society, and what I try to conclude that might indicate certain aspects of Romulan society and culture might be like. With luck, I don't let down anyone in that regards.
"I am your leader, I am in command. The fate of all my followers lies in my hands. The burden of what is right or wrong, decisions have to be made. I have to take you all into this burning Gate." - Iron Savior, 'Never Say Die'.

Last edited by danqueller; 08-01-2013 at 03:05 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,446
# 149
08-01-2013, 03:43 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmdrscarlet View Post
Ok, the rewrite is in. @danqueller provided notes I decided to incorporate. Although longer than I prefer, it may be an improvement.

I also decided the antagonist should be as distant as his crew. Besides, we won't be seeing him again

I hate to ask for people's time to reread an entry, but as I also am not used to rewriting or adding to my entries, I'm hoping for additional feedback
Leaderman was made all the more awesome by being stripped of a name While I missed the reference to Kathryn being a witch, I felt the revision really enhanced things, as it was interesting to see the conference, not just the results of the discussion
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,446
# 150
08-01-2013, 03:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by malkarris View Post
Okay, trying a different style for this one. Call it minimalist. I'll see what people think before giving background, but both Kobobo and Molia are two of my characters in game.
I really enjoyed it Certainly minimalist, but all the more potent for it
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