Lieutenant
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 83
Hello all,

I just finished and published my new mission part three this afternoon and is promoting it on the forums. With every new mission that I publish I put it into my master list of missions that I have created, but I soon realize that every new mission I create and added to this master list it will show up at the bottom and will most likely not been seen, so I decided to create a new master list of my mission under the series name and all you have to do is hit the link and will bring you to the series page then you can look at each mission in that series, because let's face it its much easier then scrolling all the wall down to the bottom and its easy and hence no scrolling.

Before I give you the links to my series pages, I will tell you some information about me.

About Me
1) My in game name is Logitech007 (And yes its after the webcam company, I needed a name).
2) I am on the west coast of Canada.
3)I love TNG, DS9, Voyager and Enterprise. I don't like The original series, just because and yes I am sorry to their fans. I like each of the series and the movies for different reasons.
4) I have been playing the game for almost 2 years. I have been an author for almost 1.5 years.
5) All of my series are connected somehow. I lace the missions with little bread crumbs that I pull into the next series.
6) Most of my space maps are custom made. I try to follow what the shows and movies have for the system I am using and if there is no information on the system then I picture what it looks like and go from there.
7) It takes me 3-4 weeks to complete a mission.
8) My spelling sucks big time. I usually go through several rounds of spell check and grammar. If you find an spelling or grammar mistake please let me know. And yes I should use Microsoft word for that part of my mission.
9) My pet peeve is when a mission gets a 1 or 2 star from a player with no feedback, how is that suppose to help us. I am ok and fine with the 1 and 2 stars if I get some comments and feedback for why I got that rating.
10) I will give an in game mail to each player thanking them for playing my mission and ask what they like and dislike about that mission.
11) If you are a new author or an old author who is having issues or problems or needs someone to play test or a work around, please go and visit starbaseugc there are people always around willing to help.
12) You can also contact me via twitter at: Logitech007 @Logitech007STO

I would really like to thanks everyone at StarbaseUGC for the help and the work around and the long conversations and the time and effort that they put into playing my missions and for the help they give me and for always playing and continue to play my missions.
Thank you.
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Here is the links to my Mission series pages

Tempus Fugit Series

On the trail of Perfection Series

The Fvain Group: Series

The Unexpected Returns Series-------Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnBMWsfljZs

Cloak and Dagger

The Marked ones

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Thank you all for taking the time to read this and to play my missions.

Last edited by logitech007; 03-31-2014 at 08:40 PM.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 713
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hello, Evil 70th, I have a couple of missions I would like for you to review, I will give you the information that you will need.

Please note, Part one starts at the end of my other series and this part continues the story but playing the other series is not needed but you might be confused.
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Mission Name: The Fvain Group part one. ( Most of this mission is done in flashbacks)
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HUUBIG8KJ
Estimated Mission Length: About 45 min to an hour. Depends on you.

Story:From the Borg---Jem' Hadar battle crisis came a group of officers who are plotting the downfall of the Federation by any and all means. They have triggered some sort of splinter group. Enemies are now allies and allies are now enemies. Can you put a stop to this before this group successful. If they are, what will be the balance of power be like in the area? Where did this group come from and who leads this group? How big is this group? The answer may or may not surprise you.

Starting place: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
__________________________________________________ ________________________

Thank you for taking the time to play and review my missions.

Thanks
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Fvain Group part one
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HUUBIG8KJ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: Overall the concept of this mission is good. I did like how you executed the flashbacks. The map designs are good and the battles were tough but fun. Based on the issues with spelling, punctuation, and grammar I am assuming English is not your primary language. With that said the story dialogue needs a lot of work as outlined below. Additionally the story has a few holes in it that I have tried to outline below. Despite these issues I would still recommend the mission for all players as a fun mission to play.

I mention the use of story dialogue throughout each map where you use "i" vice "I". This combined with missing punctuation such as apostrophes in words like don't, can't and isn't serve to distract from the story. I have captured most of these issues below but may have missed some in my write up below. I would recommend going over all the dialogue in this mission and make sure you have addressed the issues outlined in this report.

In an earlier post in my forum I recommended authors use a script to write their missions similar to the one I use to write mine. I have also provided a sample of that script in that same posting. I highly recommend using this format combined with your favorite word processor. This script gives the author the ability to keep track of their story to ensure it makes sense. Writing a mission as you go in the Foundry will inevitably lead to mistakes in spelling and grammatical errors as well as punctuation.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Can you put a stop this before this group successful." to read "Can you put a stop to this before the group is successful?"
-Consider changing "If they are, what will be the balance of power be like in the area?" to read "If this group is successful it will change the balance power in the quadrant."
-Consider removing "The answer may or may not surprise you".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue is exactly the same as the description. Your goal with the grant mission dialogue should be to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Can you put a stop this before this group successful." to read "Can you put a stop to this before the group is successful?"
-Consider changing "If they are, what will be the balance of power be like in the area?" to read "If this group is successful it will change the balance power in the quadrant."
-Consider removing "The answer may or may not surprise you".

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Starfleet Security Building: This is a nice map design although the dialogue needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The "Starfleet Security Reception" in the initial dialogue is a console vice an NPC. Was this intentional?
-The "Starfleet Security Reception" dialogue; consider changing -The "Starfleet Security Reception "i will call you when they are ready for you" to read "I will call you when they are ready for you".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok Thank you" to read "Okay. Thank you".
The post "Sit down on the Sofa" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], have you been in one of these security debriefings, here" to read "[Rank], have you participated in a security debriefing before".
-Consider changing the response button "Dont worry we did nothing wrong" to read "Don't worry, we did nothing wrong".
-Consider changing "To see how badly security of Starfleet and the Federation has been compromise" to read "To see how badly the security of Starfleet and the Federation has been compromised".
Consider changing the response button "Dont worry, we have nothing to worry about" to read "Don't worry about it".
-Consider changing the response button "i should go over and see what he wants" to read "I should go over and see what he wants".
-The "Mysterious contact" dialogue; consider changing the response button "But you didnt come this way just to talk about the fish" to read "But you didn't come here to talk about fish".
-Consider changing "Trust noone, not these guys" to read "Trust no one, not even these guys".
-Consider changing the response button "Why should i trust you" to read "why should I trust you".
-Consider changing "[Rank], i think its time to go back to your group" to read "[Rank], I think it's time to go back to your group".
-Consider changing the response button "Then we will take care of it then" to read "We will deal with that if we need to".
-The "Starfleet Security Reception" dialogue; consider changing "and its your second door on your left" to read "and it's the door to the left across the hall it's.
-The Away Team Rally Point does not work here. I have seen this when the author builds a set using a combination of exterior maps and building blocks. It may just be the particular floor blocks you used.
-The "Sit down" dialogue; consider changing "Hello, [Rank], i am Mr White, please come in and sit down" to read "Hello, [Rank], I am Mr. White, please come in and sit down". From this point I will only note the issue of capitalization on each map that I find it and then cover it in my summary.
-Consider changing the response button "I will try to remember what happened, Mr Black" to read "I will try to remember what happened, Mr. Black". From this point I will only note the incorrect use of punctuations to include the use of the apostrophe in words and the period as indicated in this comment.
-The entire exchange between the player, Mr. Black and Mr. White is entirely unnecessary to the mission. It serves no purpose and is not that funny. Consider removing it entirely. There are punctuation errors and spelling errors in the exchange but I am not going to cover them.
-Consider changing the response button "The rest was busy picking up the escape pods" to read "The rest were busy picking up the escape pods".
-Consider changing "so i gave the order to abonden ship before the warp core breached the ship" to read "so I gave the order to abandon ship before the warp core breached the ship".
-Consider changing "Lukcy for us that the U.S.S. Future was nearby to pick us up" to read "Lucky for us the U.S.S. Future was nearby".
-The player does not respond to Mr. Blacks questions "Was it luck, [Rank]". Consider having the layer give some sort of response or remove the question from Mr. Black.
-Consider reviewing the dialogue that follows Mr. Blacks question to ensure the names you used are spelled as you intended. Some of them appear to be incorrectly spelled. For example; "And Commanders Pennw, Pontq".
-Consider changing "[Rank], what was this mysterious contact name" to read "[Rank], what was this mysterious contacts name".
-Additional dialogue with "i" vice "I" being used. Additional dialogue with "dont" vice "don't"

Utopia Planitia: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The dialogue that is supposed to be the player answering Mr. Blacks question needs to be changed to [OOC] dialogue to match previous player dialogue format.
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue; consider changing "You are ordered to disable the vessel then board her find and look for any information that helps us end this" to read "You are ordered to disable the vessel, board her, and find any information that will help us end this".
-Consider changing "This is one of the Federation most heavily armed vessel in the fleet and i will not allow this vessel to leave the area" to read "This is one of the Federations most heavily armed vessels and I will not allow it to fall into enemy hands".
-Consider changing "You are authorized to fire and destroy it" to read "You are authorized to fire on and destroy it".
-Consider removing "I will not let it leave this system". It is unnecessary to the story.
-Consider changing "[OOC]We had eight dead and five are missing including Jeff Hudson[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]We had eight dead and five missing, including Jeff Hudson[/OOC]".
-Consider changing the response button "He was beamed ove to the U.S.S. Havoc" to read "He was beamed over to the U.S.S. Havoc".

Deep Space: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-Consider changing "She is trying to leave deep space" to read "She is trying to outrun us".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".

U.S.S. Havoc's Bridge: This is a good map design with a fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], we have been beamed over to the aft of the bridge" to read "[Rank], we have been beamed over to the aft end of the bridge".
-Consider changing "Most of the vessels crew are in or around Engineering most likely to repair the damage that we caused" to read "Most of the vessels crew are in Engineering, most likely repairing the damage we caused".
-The post "Start the download" dialogue; consider changing "i recommand we beam back and take care of this vessel" to read "I recommend we beam back and take care of this vessel".

Deep Space: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The post "Answer the hail" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Are you welling to fire and destroy another Federation vessel" to read "[Rank], are you willing to fire on and destroy another Federation vessel".
-Consider changing the response button "Jeff, Answer me this" to read "Jeff, why are you doing this".
-Consider changing "[OOC]how is that protecting the federation[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]how is that protecting the Federation[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]The Federation stand for peace and to peaceful explore and not to start wars and have dirty this uniform and you have betrayed that very uniform, and it is my duty to bring you and your group to justice[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The Federation stands for peaceful exploration of the universe, not starting wars. You have soiled and betrayed that uniform. It is my duty bring you to justice[/OOC]".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response button with "Dont" vice "Don't"
-Consider changing the response button "Lock targets and fire" to read "Lock on target and fire".
-The post "Destroy the U.S.S. Havoc" dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]He was only buying his time to repair his vessel so he could destroy us or call in help[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]He was only trying to bide his time so he could repair his vessel so he could destroy us[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]I had my orders and it is was between us or him, I will always pick me and my crew[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]I had my orders and if given a choice between him or my crew, I will always choose my crew[/OOC]".
-The question from Mr. Black "Your crew are your family, what would you not do to protect them" is never answered. Consider writing dialogue from the player or remove it.
-Consider removing Mr. White's dialogue prior to the map transfer dialogue. Based on the map transfer dialogue it makes this dialogue redundant.

Starfleet Security Building: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-Consider changing the response button "Its long and interesting" to read "It's long and interesting".
-Consider changing the response button "Its getting tiresome but they need to figure and investigate these things, I should be getting back" to read "It's getting tiresome but they need to investigate this thoroughly. I should be getting back".
-The Away Team Rally Point does not work here.
-The dialogue with "Admiral Mirren Sola" seems unnecessary.
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response button with "dont" vice "don't"
-Consider changing the response button "Oh joyness, now i know" to read "Now I know".

Aelas System: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-Consider changing the response button "I know that name, but cant remember where tho" to read "I know that name, but can't remember where though".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue with "Dont" vice "don't"
-Consider changing "We the Tal'Shiar can do what we want" to read "We the Tal Shiar can do what we want"
-Consider changing "[OOC]Sub Admiral, I am deeply sorry for your loss but under no choice will this vessel be boarded by you or any other member of the Romulan Tal'shiar[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Sub Admiral, I am deeply sorry for your loss but under no circumstances will this vessel be boarded by you or any other member of the Tal Shiar[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[Rank], you might stand a change against one maybe two of my vessels but not four of them" to read "[Rank], you might stand a chance against one, maybe two of my vessels, but not four of them"
-The dialogue seems to be out of order. There is dialogue that appears to be intended to occur before the "Answer hail" dialogue. Consider moving that dialogue to the front of the "Answer hail" dialogue.
-Consider changing "[OOC]It was almost two weeks later, we were travling through the Aelas system on our way back to Earth for our shore leave after a mission helping out the Romulan Republic out then some thing happen[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]It was almost two weeks later, we were traveling through the Aelas system on our way back to Earth for our shore leave. We had just completed a mission helping out the Romulan Republic when something happen[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "Then according to your reports, you and your vessel met up with Admiral Sola and her vessel and you guys met on her vessel" to read "Then according to your reports, you met with Admiral Sola and her vessel".
-Consider changing "[OOC]We would be receiving a package to transport to Earth and as soon as we completed the mission our shore leave will start[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]We were to receive a package for transport to Earth. Once we completed the mission our shore leave could start[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]It was an Romulan Republic Ambassador on his way to Earth[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]It was a Romulan Republic Ambassador on his way to Earth[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Dont you find that suspicious" to read "[Rank], don't you find that suspicious".
-Consider changing the response button "No not really, i suupose the Admiral wanted to make sure he was safe and got to Earth safe" to read "No not really. I suppose the Admiral wanted to make sure he made it to Earth safely".
-Consider changing "A soon as you beam down the Ambassador to Earth, what did you fo and go" to read "Once the ambassador beamed down to Earth what did you do".
-Consider changing "[OOC]The Ambassador was transporter to Starfleet Medical under heavy security[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The Ambassador was transported to Starfleet Medical under heavy security[/OOC]".
-Story plot point. Your dialogue indicates that the player takes an away team down to investigate the Embassy but the next map is the Medical Building. Consider changing the dialogue to indicate that you are taking an away team to investigate.

Medical Building: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-Consider changing "Fifteen dead and twenty Two injured" to read "Fifteen dead and twenty two injured".
-Consider changing "You may but keep it short, the Ambassador is still in minor pain" to read "You may but keep it short, the Ambassador is still in pain".
-Consider changing the response button "Understand" to read "Understood".
-Consider changing "[Rank], its good to see you" to read "[Rank], it's good to see you".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Fifteen were killed and Twenty two were injured[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Fifteen were killed and twenty two were injured[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Starfleet security is invesagating[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Starfleet security is investigating[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Any information that you have would be great[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Any information that you can give us would be helpful[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "My first time on Earth and it is spent at the medical building" to read "My first time on Earth and I am spending it at Starfleet Medical".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing the response button "As best as he could" to read "As best he could".
-Consider changing "[Rank], please do remember to take it slow and calm and please be careful to limit your questions" to read "[Rank], please take it easy, he is still in pain and needs his rest"
-Consider changing the response button "Understand" to read "Understood".

Embassy: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is a minor detail but I was curious why there would be an Earth Embassy on Earth? Consider changing this to the Federation Council building or something along those lines.
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The Romulan Republic Ambassador dialogue; consider changing "I also noticed the great deal of security here aswell, most likely due to all the guests here at the embassy" to read "I also noticed a significant security presence, most likely due to the large number of guests visiting the embassy".
-The Starfleet Security dialogue; consider changing "Excuse me, sir, this room is off limits you may not enter this room until told so" to read "I am sorry sir but this room is off limits without authorization".
-Consider changing "[OOC]That is the new updated security protocol to prevent any issues happening before it starts[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]That is a standard security protocol to prevent unauthorized access to restricted areas[/OOC]".
-Consider removing "[OOC]But go on[/OOC]".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The Lethean dialogue; consider changing "We are busy so go away or ill kill you where you stand" to read "We are busy so go away or I'll kill you where you stand".
-The Romulan Republic Ambassador dialogue; consider changing "Then I walked over to the Replicators to get something to drink and I bumped into, Mr White from Starfleet and wanted to talk" to read "Then I walked over to the replicators to get something to drink where I bumped into Mr. White from Starfleet. He wanted to talk".
-Consider changing the response button "What did he want" to read "What did he say".
-The Doctor dialogue; "You can come back at a later date to finish" to read "You can come back later".
-The doctor interrupts the questioning before the ambassador mentions the explosion that occurs. You should have him mention the blast before the doctor interrupts.

Starfleet Security Building: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], its been fifteen hours, are you almost done" to read "[Rank], it's been fifteen hours, are you almost done".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-The Starfleet Security Reception dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], there are ready to complete the debriefing with you, please go back to the room" to read "[Rank], they are ready to complete the debriefing with you. Please go back to the room".
-Consider changing the response button "Agreed" to read "On my way".
-The Mr White dialogue when the player enters the room is the same after the player sits down. Consider removing the duplicate dialogue after the player sits.
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing "He had asked me if I made any progress with the information he had given me and I told him no because I have been busy then he shood his head then left" to read "He asked if I had made any progress with the information he had given me. I told him I had not because I had been very busy. He shook his head and left without another word".
-Consider changing "Why didn't you ask him why he was at the Earth Embassy at the time" to read "Why didn't you ask him what he was doing at the embassy at the time of the explosion".
-Consider changing the response button "No, i decided not too because i didnt want him to find out that i knew he was there" to read "I decided not too because I didn't want him to find out that I knew he was there".
-The Map Transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], i think we might have found some items in some of the debris from the Embassy, please come to the Cargo bay" to read "[Rank], I think we may have found some evidence in the debris from the embassy. Please come to the cargo bay".

Cargo Bay: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], like I say I think we found five signs at who might have bombed our Embassy,I have the results here in Engineering and a sample in sick by, but im not too sure if we are right, so if you wouldn?t mind can you please double-check" to read "[Rank], I think we found evidence that may lead to who bombed our embassy. I sent samples to engineering and sickbay for analysis. Can you double check our readings to make sure we didn't miss anything".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The post "Scan the final piece debris" dialogue; "[Rank], there is a bio sample, as i suspected, i have already given it to the doctor and she said, she will add the information to the computer, so you can use the console over there" to read "[Rank], you have verified the DNA sample we found earlier. I sent the sample to sickbay for analysis and they have transferred the results to the computer. You can access the information at the console over there".
-The post "Get the results" dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]We got the results back on the bio sample and it points out to be one of the Lethean members who was at the Embassy[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]We retrieved the results of the DNA sample and it came from a member of the Lethean delegation at the embassy[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Thank to our quick thinking Tactical Officer we were able to track down the Vessel in question, it was traveling through deep space heading back to Klingon space" to read "Thanks to the quick thinking of my tactical officer we were able to track the Lethean delegations vessel. It was in deep space heading for Klingon space[/OOC]".

Deep Space: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Lethean vessel?s Bridge: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The Lethean Captain dialogue; consider changing "That is a outragious thing to say, [Rank]" to read "That is an outrageous thing to say [Rank]".
-Consider changing "Yes were at the Embassy but we did not bomb your Embassy" to read "Yes we were there but we did not bomb your embassy".
-Consider changing "We also lost several officers in the bombing" to read "We lost several members of our delegation in the blast as well".
-Consider changing "Why would we bomb a Federation Embassy for" to read "Why would we bomb a Federation embassy".
-Consider changing the response button "I dont know but we have a bio sample linking you to it" to read "We have Lethean DNA linking you the explosion".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Go and use our console to prove it, we did touch it but did not planet it" to read "Leatheans handled the bomb but we did not plant it. Use out computers to verify I am telling the truth".
-Consider changing "[Rank], if we did do it, we would have done it right there would be no one around but a burnt hole in your ground where the Embassy used to be" to read "If we had bombed your embassy there would be nothing left but a hole in the ground".
-The post "Look at the computer banks" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we just finished going through their computer and there is no proof stating there was anyone else involved but we are not done yet" to read "[Rank], we have completed our initial analysis of their database and have found no evidence supporting the Lethean Captains assertion that there is anyone else involved. We are continuing our analysis".
-Consider changing the response button "You will be taking into custody and transported over to Starfleet security to answer for your crime" to read "You will be taken into custody and turned over to Starfleet security for further questioning".
-Consider changing "it appears to be a hologram of a Nuasicaan" to read "it appears to be a hologram of a Nausicaan".
-There is a hole in the story dialogue from when it mentions "a hologram of a Nausicaan" and when the player declares "the Romulan Republic Ambassador" is who bombed the embassy. As the player I already suspected him but there is no dialogue based on this map that indicates that conclusion. You need to rewrite the dialogue in this section to support that conclusion.
-The Doctor dialogue; consider changing "His blood is not of a Romulan but of a human" to read "His blood is not Romulan but Human".
-Consider changing "He had some short of blood device in his system to make his blood be green" to read "His blood contained a chemical which made it green".
-Consider changing "We wouldn't know anything about it unless we took a really good look at his blood" to read "The only way to detect the chemical would be a detailed analysis of his blood".
-Consider changing "I was about to question this person why it is human and not Romulan" to read "I was on my way to confront him about the chemical I found in his blood".
-Consider changing the response button "He was right infront of us and now he is gone" to read "He was right in front of us the whole time and now is gone".
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing the response button "I don't know but when i do meet up with him i be sure to ask" to read "I don't know but when I catch him I will be sure to ask.
-The Kris Mento dialogue; Consider changing "[OOC]I want the truth to why you bombed the Embassy[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]I want the truth. Why did you bomb the embassy[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[Rank], You can't handle the truth" to read "[Rank], you can't handle the truth".
-Consider changing the response button "You killed innocent people at the Embassy" to read "You killed innocent people at the embassy".
-Consider changing "[Rank], you want the truth?.fine here is the truth, [Rank], you are such a blind fool to think those people at the Embassy were innocent people" to read [Rank], you want the truth? Fine, here is the truth. None of those people in the embassy were innocent".
-Consider removing "There are no such thing as innocent people, they are all guilty" as redundant.
-Consider removing "Only guilty people" as redundant.
-Consider changing "IIf you want to know why i am doing this?.come and get me" to read "If you want to know why I am doing this then come and get me.
-Consider changing "Nothing, then we are here. I spent almost two weeks looking for him and his group with no luck" to read "[OOC]We spent almost two weeks looking for him and his group with no luck. Then we were told to report here to Starfleet security for questioning[/OOC]".
-The Map Transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we are done, please go and go with your away team, we will come and talk to you before you go" to read "Thank you [Rank], we are done. Please return to the reception area and we will be out shortly to talk to you before you leave".

Starfleet Security Building: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue and is a good summary to this mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Mr White dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we are now done your debriefing and we are now fine with the fact that you or your crew had no actions helping them out" to read "[Rank], after completing your debriefing we believe neither you nor any member of your crew aided the terrorists in the attack".
-Consider changing "We might have some more questions for you later, but I will let you know" to read "We may have additional questions for you later".
-Consider changing the response button "Just send a transmission to my ship if you have any more questions" to read "Just let me know and I will be happy to answer them".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Your development of this mission series is a great start but needs a little more work. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 10/10/2013 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 713
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hello, Evil 70th, I have a couple of missions I would like for you to review, I will give you the information that you will need.

Please note, Part one starts at the end of my other series and this part continues the story but playing the other series is not needed but you might be confused.
__________________________________________________ ________________________

Mission Name: The Fvain Group part Tne. ( You will need a shuttle for one part of this mission, the game will tell you when you need it.)
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFIPWJ7A5
Estimated Mission Length: About 30-45 min.

Story: Now we know who in Starfleet's Echelon is part of the Fvain Group, but does it going further up the chain then some of its command officers. Are there more misguided officers who are plotting? Who will we enter into a temporary alliance with, The Romulans or the Klingons, to put an end to this and will this new alliance push the Federation across the line that they can not undo or will the ends justify the means to whatever the length Starfleet will go to end this threat once and for all? Another player is revealed.

Starting place: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
__________________________________________________ ________________________

Thank you for taking the time to play and review my missions.

Thanks
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Fvain Group part Two
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFIPWJ7A5

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: As with the previous review the overall concept of the mission is a good one however the dialogue needs a lot of work. Your map designs are very well done and the enemy mobs are tough but for the most part fun. From a combat perspective players will really enjoy the tougher ground combat, although I would not recommend taking on this mission on Elite level. The battles are tough enough on Normal level. Despite the story dialogue needing a lot of work the overall mission is good and I would recommend it to other players.

In my review of the maps I talk about the use of Cryptic maps during a mission to transition from one location to another and continue the mission. While there are some Cryptic missions that allow this it has not been added as a true feature in the Foundry. I have seen other authors attempt to use this part of their missions and due to the clumsy nature of the interface it usually serves to detract from the mission rather than adding to it. One of my first missions I tried this method but in the end I got rid of it for those same reasons. I think the only benefit you get is that you can add more custom maps to your mission, which is not necessarily a good thing. For all of these reasons I would caution against the use of Cryptic maps to bridge between custom maps.

Below I mention the spelling of Tal Shiar. It is something I noted in part 1 of the series but forgot to write up. There are several places you spell it Tal'Shiar in the dialogue but STO recognizes the spelling as Tal Shiar. I think you knew this since on the Tal Shiar maps you spelled the name of the map correctly. In addition there is the spelling of the Klingon slur petaQ. You spell it PetaQ in a couple of places however on STO and TNG websites the proper spelling of the word is petaQ.

One last thing I noted. On every map almost all dialogue had an issue with run-on sentences. This included random capitalizations of words like "Three" or "Aid". There were also some words that were misspelled throughout. As I suggested in my previous report I would strongly recommend you use your favorite word processor to write dialogue. Also creating a script when you first begin to develop your mission would definitely help. These things combined will help you to develop detailed missions that all players would enjoy.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a very detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "but does it going further up the chain then some of its command officers." to read "but does it go further up the chain than some of its commanding officers?"
-Consider changing "Who will we enter into a temporary alliance with, The Romulans or the Klingons, to put an end to this and will this new alliance push the Federation across the line that they can not undo or will the ends justify the means to whatever the length Starfleet will go to end this threat once and for all" to read "Who will we enter into a temporary alliance with to put an end to this new alliance? The Romulans or the Klingons? Will the Federation cross a line that they cannot return from or will the ends justify the means?".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue is exactly the same as the description. Your goal with the grant mission dialogue should be to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "but does it going further up the chain then some of its command officers." to read "but does it go further up the chain than some of its commanding officers?"
-Consider changing "Who will we enter into a temporary alliance with, The Romulans or the Klingons, to put an end to this and will this new alliance push the Federation across the line that they can not undo or will the ends justify the means to whatever the length Starfleet will go to end this threat once and for all" to read "Who will we enter into a temporary alliance with to put an end to this new alliance? The Romulans or the Klingons? Will the Federation cross a line that they cannot return from or will the ends justify the means?".

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with the initial task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Starbase 375: This is a nice map design but the story dialogue has several issues with spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I noted several items below to consider changing:
-You used the response button "Continue" several times. Consider changing them to be more a part of the story when the player responds.
-The Cadet dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], welcome back to Starbase375" to read "[Rank], welcome back to Starbase 375".
-Consider changing "Commander John Pepsi, is looking for you , and wants to talk to you" to read "Commander John Pepsi would like to talk to you".
-Consider changing "You can find him in the Command area" to read "You can find him in the command center".
-The use of dialogue response button with "dont" vice "don't"
-The use of dialogue response buttons with "i" vice "I".
-A plot issue. You have the NPC "Mr White" address the player in a completely random conversation and the NPC himself is nowhere on the map that I can see. Consider placing the NPC right outside the transporter room or remove the conversation since it appears to have nothing to do with the mission so far.
-The Commander John Pepsi dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we have an problem?" to read "[Rank], we have a problem."
-Consider changing "We have no idea where Admiral Sola is?" to read "We have no idea where Admiral Sola is."
-Consider changing "I was about to inform Starfleet command, but I heard you had docked and hoped she was with you and I guess she is not" to read "I was about to contact Starfleet Command when I heard you were docking. I hoped she was with you."
-Consider changing the response button "We should inform Starfleet Command, right away" to read "We should contact Starfleet Command right away".
-The Lieutenant dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], We are getting a transmission from somewhere and it is blocked and can not pinpoint where it is coming from?" to read "[Rank], we are receiving a transmission but the source location is being blocked."
-Consider changing "Its Kris Mento" to read "It's Kris Mento".
-The Kris Mento dialogue; consider removing "To gloat to all of us" from the response button.
-Consider changing "why don't you try and scan for her vessel in space, maybe then you can find her and her vessel" to read "why not scan for her vessel?"
-Consider removing "Like jezz, do I have to do all the work for you".
-Consider changing "But back to the gloating part, I am going to gloat at you for the fact you had me right in front of you and you could not even find it out, the only reason you found out was the doctor got snoopy and ran my blood??good luck next time, [Rank]" to read "Back to gloating. You had me right in front of you the whole time and could not figure it out. It took a curious doctor running my blood sample to figure it out. You are pathetic [Rank]".
-The Lieutenant dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], I have located a debris field just inside this system out of the Starbase's sensor range" to read "[Rank], I have located a debris field just inside the system but just outside normal scanning range of the starbase".
-Consider changing "I had to extend their range to even get the lock" to read "I adjusted the sensor range to cover the entire system".
-Consider changing "and its a match to the Admiral's Sola vessel" to read "and it's a match to Admiral Sola's ship".
-Consider adding in dialogue regarding trying to contact the Admirals ship. The dialogue would indicate that transmissions are being blocked in that area. Then the player would proceed to check out the debris field and locate the Admirals ship.
-This is a plot point. Consider have the player note the Ferengi is selling what appears to be Federation cargo while on the way to talk to Commander John Pepsi. Then when the player states he is going to confront the Ferengi after locating the Admirals ship it would make more sense.
-Consider changing "I am going to get her and her vessel but I did hear that a Ferengi did have some Federation cargo, I am going to have a word with him before I leave" to read "I will check out the cargo ship debris field and see if I can contact Admiral Sola. Wait a minute. The Ferengi merchant we passed on the way in here. He was selling what appeared to be Federation cargo. I think we should talk to him first".
-The Ferengi Merchant Gari dialogue; consider changing the response button "You had mentioned that you had got some cargo from Federation cargo vessels, where did you get it" to read "I noticed you are selling Federation cargo. Where did you get it?"
-Consider changing "I don't have time for this, Tell me where you got it or I will string you up by your ears and call Starfleet security to tell them to search your vessel and to take their time and then you wont make any profit" to read "I don't have time for this. Tell me where you got the cargo or I will have Starfleet Security seize your vessel and take their time searching it. I will see to it you make no profit at all".
-Consider changing "there I told you please don't send Starfleet security on me" to read "There I told you. Please don't contact Starfleet Security".
-Consider changing the response button "I wont this time but I wont be this nice next time" to read "I won't have them seize your ship this time, but I want you to surrender all this cargo immediately".

Starbase 375 System: The map design is good and the battles are tough but fun. The story dialogue has several issues related to spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I noted several items below to consider changing:
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "We have picked up debris that looks like from three Federation cargo vessels" to read "We are picking up debris that appears to be from three Federation cargo vessels".
-Consider changing "The Admiral's vessel is in the middle disabled" to read "The Admiral's ship is in the middle of the debris and is disabled".
-Consider changing "I am also picking up Three Keldon class vessels heading towards the U.S.S. Gorkon" to read "I am also picking up three Keldon class vessels heading towards the U.S.S. Gorkon"
-The Gul Dexmar dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we claim this debris field, I suggest that you pull away, before one of my warships accidently fires at your ship" to read "[Rank], we claim salvage rights to this debris field. I suggest you veer off before one of my ships accidently fires on you".
-Consider changing "Gul Dexmar, this is Federation space, Federation cargo vessels and is in the protection of one of my vessels, so no I do not think so, I suggest you and your vessels leave Federation space before I contact Garak on Cardassia Prime" to read "Gul Dexmar, this is Federation space, those are Federation cargo vessels, and there is a Federation starship conducting rescue operations in that area. I suggest you and your ships withdraw from Federation space immediately to avoid a diplomatic incident".
-Consider changing "I have three Keldon class warships against Two of your vessels, one of which is heavily disabled, you don't stand a chance" to read "I have three Keldon class warships against Two of your vessels, one of which is heavily damaged. You don't stand a chance"
-Consider changing "Look again you fool" to read "You stand corrected Gul Dexmar".
-Consider changing "Are you prepare to defeat four Federation vessels" to read "Are you prepared to engage four Federation ships".
-Consider changing "[Rank], the numbers don't matter, are you prepare to engage Three Keldon class warships" to read "[Rank], the numbers don't matter. Are you prepared to engage three Keldon class warships".
-Consider moving the hail from the Cardassian to be closer to the debris field and the battle. It seems odd that we exchange the dialogue above from so far apart. It also delays out entry into the battle.
-The post "Destroy the Klingon vessels" dialogue; consider changing "The rest of the other Federation vessels are heading towards Starbase 375" to read "All Federation ships are heading to Starbase 375".
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue; consider changing "We were answering a distress call from one of our cargo vessels, when three Federations vessels were attacking the cargo vessels, as soon as I dropped out of warp they targeted us" to read "We were responding to a distress call from three of our cargo vessels that were under attack from Federation vessels. The Federation vessels targeted us as soon as we dropped from warp".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok, Admiral, anything else we can help you with" to read "Ok Admiral, is there anything else we can help you with".
-Consider changing "No, thanks for the offer, [Rank]" to read "Not at the moment [Rank]".
-Consider changing "As soon as we both are back at Starbase 375, I want you to contact me as soon as we both are back at the Starbase" to read "Please contact me once you have arrived back at Starbase 375".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok, will do, Admiral" to read "Will do Admiral".
-The "Talk to U.S.S. Gorkon" task; consider changing that to "Contact Admiral Sola". Then change the contact to the Admiral vice the U.S.S. Gorkon.
-Consider changing "[Rank], once again thanks for the help out, back there" to read "[Rank] once again, thanks for the help back there".
-As explained in a previous forum posting I am unable to completely rewrite your dialogue for each map. From this point forward in the report I will indicate the location and type of issue with the dialogue on each map.
-The U.S.S. Gorkon dialogue starting with "On our way back" needs to be changed. The entire dialogue is a run-on sentence. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation.
-The response button for that dialogue needs to be checked for spelling, punctuation, and capitalization.
-The U.S.S. Gorkon dialogue starting with "I know" needs to be changed. Each separate sentence is a run-on sentence. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation.
-The map transfer dialogue and button that take you back to the Cryptic map says "Go to Next Map". Consider changing the dialogue to something related to the mission.

Cryptic Maps: The use of Cryptic maps to transfer between mission maps does not work in the Foundry. Even though many Cryptic missions do this they have not given authors the ability to properly use this feature. I understand what you are trying to achieve with this but any of the dialogue can be accomplished within your existing mission maps. The Admiral Marconi dialogue could have all been accomplished at the end of the Starbase 375 map. It was not necessary to send the player all the way to DS9. The use of a shuttle by the player, while a nice diversion, was not really required to accomplish that portion of the mission. I did not use a shuttle and completed the tasks without issue. If you choose to keep the Cryptic maps as a bridge between the mission maps I suggest you remove the shuttle craft change and all the running around on DS9 in between. It is tedious and unnecessary to the mission over all. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Ops Officer dialogue needs to be changed. Consider changing "Deep space nine" to read "Deep Space 9".
-The Admiral Marconi dialogue needs to be changed. Consider changing "[Rank],As you know" to read "[Rank], as you know". The second sentence of that dialogue is a run-on sentence. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation.
-Consider changing "And that is your mission is to enter" to read "Your mission is to enter".

Orias system: This is a good map design with optional combat. If you are in a shuttle then the battles are probably not a good idea. The story dialogue needs work as indicated below. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Scan the Orias system" task dialogue needs to be changed. There are punctuation issues. There should be a coma following Klingon.
-The second Tactical Officer dialogue response button; consider changing "How or we will be seen. We are in enemy space?" to read "We need to be careful. So how do we approach the object without being seen?"
-The Science Officer dialogue starting with "[Rank], there is a nebula" needs work. Consider changing "Its" and "its" in this dialogue to read "It's" and it's". Also the sentence that begins with "Its" and ends with "as well" is a run-on sentence. The new sentence should start at "I suggest".
-The post "Scan the Nebula" dialogue needs to be changed. Consider changing "effecting" to "affecting". Consider changing "It is still effecting our and their sensors, so we should be safe" to read "Our sensors are still affected so we should be safe".
-The post second "Send the pulse" dialogue; consider changing "There is an base inside the nebula" to read "There is a base inside the nebula".
-Consider removing the references to the "nebula within another nebula" as it does not appear to add anything to the mission.
-Consider changing "Tal'Shiar" to read "Tal Shiar" which is the recognized spelling in STO.
-The Engineering Officer dialogue needs to be changed. The second sentence in the dialogue is a run-on sentence.
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], It's the Romulan Tal'shiar, we shouldn't put it past them" to read "[Rank], it's the Tal Shiar, we shouldn't put it past them".
-The map transfer dialogue and button that take you back to the Cryptic map says "Go to Next Map". Consider changing the dialogue to something related to the mission.

Cryptic Map: As with the previous Cryptic map you are trying to create a bridge between mission maps that can be handled with simple dialogue at the end of the previous map. I understand this is to provide the player with the ability to switch back to their regular ship, however as with my previous comments the shuttle was never needed for this portion of the mission. Again I suggest removing the requirement to change ships and remove the Cryptic map bridge between mission maps. Most of what you want to accomplish within the story can be handled at the end of previous maps with dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Admiral Marconi dialogue response button; consider changing "It went fine a lot of vessel protection and even a Tal'Shir outpost" to read "We completed the mission without incident. There are several ships and a Tal Shiar outpost in the system".
-The first sentence of the second Admiral Marconi dialogue is a run-on sentence. Consider replacing the coma after "one piece" with a period.
-Consider changing "report that you had filled for Admiral Sola" to read "report that you filed with Admiral Sola".
-The need for you to insert direction on which prompt to use indicates the issue within the Foundry for using Cryptic maps as a bridge between mission maps. If you intend to continue to use this Cryptic map consider moving the entrance to the next mission map to another location on DS9". Then you would not need to explain which prompt the player needs to use.

[b][color="Red"]U.S.S. Hood's ready room: This is a good map design but the story dialogue needs work as indicated below. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The second "Admiral Mirren Sola" dialogue is a run-on sentence. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify punctuation.
-The response button; consider changing "Tal'Shiar" to read "Tal Shiar". Also it seems redundant to refer to it as a "Romulan Tal Shiar base".
-The third "Admiral Mirren Sola" dialogue is a run-on sentence. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation.
-The players [OOC] response dialogue is a series of run-on sentences. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation. For example you use the word "wont" vice "won?t".
-Consider changing "the U.S.S. [ShipFullName] damaged" to read "we damaged".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Planet is an class D, which does support builds and life underground[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The planet is a class D, which supports life underground[/OOC]".
-The first "Captain" dialogue is a run-on sentence. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation.
-The second "Captain" dialogue is a run-on sentence. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify punctuation.
-The third "Captain" dialogue needs to be changed. You need to verify spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation.
-The response button "Orbital bombardment, isn't that a bit much, do you think?" to read "Don't you think orbital bombardment is a bit much?"
-The "Admiral Mirren Sola" dialogue is a run-on sentence. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation.
-Consider changing "[OOC]But Admiral, Orbital bombardment that is unnecessary and wrong, we are Starfleet officers and we should not destroy a planet just to capture one person[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Admiral, orbital bombardment should not be used to capture one person[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "it would be up to whole is leading the Taskforce if they want to use the order" to read "it is up to the leader of the taskforce to decide if bombardment is needed. That is why I am placing you in charge of the taskforce".
-Consider changing "Are we all cleared with this" to read "Are these orders clear".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we are coming towards the Orisas system, the fleet is engaging the enemy vessels, we will be dropped in one battle" to read "[Rank], we are approaching the Orias system. The fleet has engaged the enemy and we will be coming out of warp near the closest battle".

Orias system: This is a nice map design with some tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Tal Shiar facility Lower level: This is a good map with several tough battles and little story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Scan the lower levels" response button; consider changing "Everyone watch your self" to read "Everyone watch yourself".
-There are a lot of enemy mobs that are extremely tough. Even with the respawn points you put in it took me almost 30 minutes to get through all the enemy mobs. Consider reducing the number of the enemy mobs spread across the map.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank],we aew ready" to read "[Rank], we are ready".
-Consider changing the map transfer response button "Ok everyone be careful he is up there" to read "Everyone be careful, Mento's is up there".

Tal Shiar facility Upper level: This is a good map with several tough battles and story dialogue that needs work as indicated below. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]watch your self's[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]watch yourselves[/OOC]"
-The initial task; consider changing "Kill the The Fvain Group" to read "Kill the Fvain Group".
-The post "Kill the The Fvain Group" task dialogue response button; consider changing "Stand gruad over there i will go and talk to him" to read "Stand guard over there. I will talk to him"
-The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Welcome to my base" to read "[Rank], welcome to my base".
-Consider changing "and what it has cost you, [Rank]?" to read "and what is has cost you."
-Consider changing "Life's and Starfleet vessels are all gone into dust all to capture me" to read "Starfleet lives and ships destroyed all to capture me".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Yes it was worth it all the lives wasted and got all because of you and your group decided to teach us a lesson[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Yes, the lives we sacrificed to bring you to justice was worth it[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Was it worth it on your side, Kris[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Was it worth your groups sacrifice Kris[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]You said why I found you and capture you, you would tell me why?[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You told me when I found and captured you that you would tell me why.[/OOC]"
-The next "Kris Mento dialogue; consider removing "and not me" as redundant.
-The sentence starting with "They have always forgot" is a run-on sentence and needs to be changed. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation.
-The last sentence is a run-on sentence and needs to be changed. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify grammar and punctuation.
-The word "Vengeance" should only be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence. Otherwise it should read "vengeance".
-It appears the dialogue that starts with "See look, Kris" should be [OOC] dialogue.

Orias system: This is a good map with some tough but fun battles. The little story dialogue is well written but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point is very far away from the enemy mobs. By the time the player gets there at full impulse most of the enemies in the first engagement have been destroyed. Consider moving the initial spawn point closer.
-The post "Destroy the Romulan wings of TFG" dialogue response button; consider changing "Ok, Set a course back to Starbase 375" to read "Ok, set course back to Starbase 375".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we are now at warp, we will ba ta Starbase 375 in less then two hours" to read "[Rank], we are now at warp and will arrive at Starbase 375 in less than two hours"

Gorath System: This is a good map with a fun battle. The little story dialogue is well written but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Mr White" dialogue; consider changing "come to the Aid of" to read "come to the aid of".
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing the response button "I got no transmission no changing course" to read "I have received no transmission ordering me to change course".
-The "Admiral Sola" dialogue; consider changing "his vessel and its under attack" to read "his vessel and it's under attack".
-The "Chancellor J'mpok" dialogue; consider changing "against my mighty Empire" to read "against my mighty empire".
-The "Chancellor J'mpok" dialogue starting with "I have met Admiral Mirren Sola in battle" is a run-on sentence and needs to be changed. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify grammar and punctuation.
-The [OOC] dialogue starting with "She believes the key" is a run-on sentence and needs to be changed. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify grammar and punctuation.
-Consider changing the response button "of the Klingon EMpire" to read "of the Klingon Empire".
-The "Chancellor J'mpok" dialogue; consider changing "Maybe or I would be callence for rhe leadership of the Klingon Empire and I will fail" to read "Maybe or I would be challenged for leadership of the Klingon Empire and I fail".
-Consider changing "or you will be engage by my forces" to read "or you will be engaged by my forces".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], we are now in orbit of Chancellor J'mpok base" to read "[Rank, we are no in orbit of Chancellor J'mpok's base".
-Consider changing: "Chancellor has informed us" to read "The chancellor has informed us".

Chancellor J'mpok Base: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written but needs work as indicated below. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]beamed down to the Chancellor J'Mpok base after we provide aid to his flagship[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]beamed down to the Chancellor J'mpok's base.[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "[OOC]I am looking forward to see what he has to say[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]I am looking forward to hearing what he has to say[/OOC]".
-The "Chancellor J'mpok" dialogue; consider changing "This base was build during" to read "This base was built during".
-The sentence starting with "All of these warriors" is a run-on sentence and needs to be changed. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences with proper punctuation.
-The entire [OOC] dialogue starting with "Me and my vessel" is a run-on sentence and needs to be changed. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
-The "Chancellor J'mpok" dialogue starting with "[Rank], I don't believe" is a run-on sentence and needs to be changed. You need to break it down into appropriate sentences, verify spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
-The "Ensign" dialogue; consider changing "My load, the Klingon Security has searched Gneral Shi'Vang's house and Computer banks and have located some information that indicates the General Shi'Vang is part of this group" to read " to read "My lord, Klingon security has searched General Shi'Vang's house and computer. They have located information indicating the general is part of this group".
-Consider changing "My load we have a message" to read "My lord we have a message
-The "Chancellor J'mpok" dialogue; consider changing "What that PetaQ was close by all alone." to read "That petaQ was close by all along?"
-Consider moving the sentence that starts with"[Rank], get that PetaQ" to be the last sentence in the dialogue.
-Consider changing "I will connect Starfleet and Admiral Sola" to read "I will contact Starfleet and Admiral Sola".
-Consider changing "PetaQ" to "petaQ" which is the recognized spelling in STO.

Deep Space: This is a good map with some tough but fun battles. The little story dialogue is well written but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue response button; consider changing "Beam the General board and target his vessel and fire" to read "Beam the General aboard and open fire on his ship".
-Consider dropping the ships out of warp when they engage each other. Following the battle you can have the player either go back to warp or have them drop out of warp in the system where the remaining battles take place.
-The post "Drop us out of warp" dialogue; consider changing "Its Admiral Sola on the U.S.S. Hood" to read "It's Admiral Sola onboard the U.S.S. Hood".
-Consider changing "She is signal us that they are coming in firing" to read "She is signaling that they are coming in firing".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Your concept for this mission is good and with some work on the story dialogue you can make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing part 3 of this series and more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 10/12/2013 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 713
Quote:
Originally Posted by logitech007 View Post
Hello, Evil70th, I have my part three that I just finished that I would liked to be reviewed, I will list the information below for you. You have the other 2 parts on your list, so why don't you review part 3 last part.

Name: The Fvain Group part 3.
ID: ST-HIOTD6JKC
Author name: Logitech007
Language: English
Side: Federation
Level: 31+
Starting location: Wall console just outside of the transporter room on ESD
Story: In this conclusion of the story, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire has made strides to end this threat to both of them and to the entire quadrant. The true person(s) behind all of this is reveled. Are the players just pawns in the great game? Will the Federation and the Klingon Empire be able to cut the head off of this threat or will they fail? We are now finally able to know how and why each member joined the Fvain group.

Thank you for reviewing parts 1 2 and three. Thanks. I look forward to your reviews.

Thanks
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Fvain Group part 3
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIOTD6JKC

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: As with the previous two reviews your overall concept of the mission series is a good one however the basic story structure needs a little more work. Your map designs are very well done throughout and the enemy mobs are very tough but for the most part fun. From a combat perspective players will really enjoy the tougher space combat; however I would not recommend this mission on Elite level. The battles are tough enough on Normal level. From the first mission through this mission you obviously took the recommendations I made on the previous missions. The mission and series has definitely come a long way from where you started. Overall the mission is good and I would recommend it to all players who like challenging combat in a mission.

It seems the use of the response button "Continue" is creeping back into missions. As I have mentioned before the response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. I noted "Continue" was used for dialogue throughout most maps for this mission. There are some places in the dialogue where "Continue" will work but many times it just does not fit, particularly when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. It can sometimes be difficult finding the appropriate response, but to me it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story rather than just reading dialog.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Starfleet and the Klingon Empire has made strides" to read "Starfleet and the Klingon Empire have made strides".
-Consider changing "The true person(s) behind all of this is reveled" to read "The true person(s) behind all of this is revealed".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue is exactly the same as the description. Your goal with the grant mission dialogue should be to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button.

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location to the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
U.S.S. Hood's ready room: This is a simple map design. The dialogue is well written but would be better served as the Grant Mission dialogue discussed above. Consider deleting this map and moving the story dialogue to be used as the grant dialogue and then the player can move to the next map directly.

Orias system: This is a nice map design but the story dialogue needs a little work on the how you develop the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.
-The "Weather Starstreaks North South" does not look good. Consider reorienting this map to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space than the other.
-The Mr White dialogue; consider changing "but enough of this let's continue with the briefing, shell we" to read "but enough of this let's continue with the briefing, shall we".
-The Romulan Lieutenant dialogue "You can transporter over to the facility" to read "You can transport over to the facility".

Romulan installation 31: This is a nice map design but the story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Empress Sela dialogue; use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The Colonel Hakeev dialogue; "Empresses, Some of my fleet is about to cross" to read "Empress, some of my fleet is about to cross"
-Consider changing "and are bring it to a Tal'Shiar base" to read "and are bringing it to a Tal Shiar base".
-The use of "Tal'Shiar" vice "Tal Shiar"
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing "As you wish, Empreses" to read "As you wish Empress"
-Consider changing "check on the guestes" to read "check on the guests".
-I like how you have the player approach and the doors open, however once the player reaches the next door you should have the previous door close.
-The General Shi'Vang dialogue; consider changing "What do you want you Romulan PaqtQ" to read "What do you want Romulan petaQ".
-Consider changing "No Paqt" to read "No petaQ".
-The Admiral Kris Mento dialogue; "I want revenge on the federation and Starfleet for given the Command of the U.S.S. Enterprise-F" to read "I want to take revenge on the Federation and Starfleet for giving Command of the U.S.S. Enterprise".
The dialogue label should read "Empress Sela" vice "Express Sela".
-Consider changing "Centurion, the facilities is picking up some strange readings" to read "Centurion; we are picking up some strange readings".
-Consider changing the response button "As you wish Empresses" to read "As you wish Empress".

Rura Pentha System: This is a good map design with challenging battles. The story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Rura Pentha System" to read "Rura Penthe System"
-Consider changing "[Rank], A Klingon Negh'Var cruiser" to read "[Rank] a Klingon Negh'Var cruiser".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Tal'shiar" vice "Tal Shiar".
-The Klingon Officer dialogue; consider changing "Stand bye" to read "Stand by".
-Consider changing "to be small so birds of prey" to read "to be small birds of prey".
-Consider changing "We are been hailed by the penal colony" to read "We are being hailed by the penal colony".
-Consider changing the response button "On Screen" to read "On screen".
-The Klingon Officer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], The Chancellor has confirmed" to read "[Rank], the Chancellor has confirmed".

Rura Penthe: This is a good map design with simple battles. The story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Warden dialogue; consider changing "permission to come here from the chancellor" to read "permission from the Chancellor".
-Consider changing "I will fill charges with your Federation" to read "I will file charges with your Federation".
-Consider changing the console you have for the Rura Penthe information and Rura Penthe History to the Warden since the player is asking him those questions.
-The Rura Penthe History dialogue; consider changing "Starfleet captain Jonathan Archer" to read "Starfleet Captain Jonathan Archer".
-Consider changing "was one of Obisek man who was captured" to read "was one of Obisek's men who was captured".
-The General Shi'Vang dialogue; consider changing "so I don not have any information" to read "so I do not have any information".
-The Warden dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], did you get what you came from" to read "[Rank], did you get what you came for".

Rura Penthe System: This is a good map design with two good battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], Welcome back" to read "[Rank] welcome back".

Lirss System: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Starbase 375 System: This is a good map design. The story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "deference" to read "defense".
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue that starts with "You will destroy" is a run on sentence. Consider rewriting this portion of the dialogue.
-The dialogue that starts with "One for each target" is a run on sentence. Consider rewriting this portion of the dialogue.
-Consider changing "target because of their amount of crew" to read "target because of the amount of crew".

Aihai System: This is a nice map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The enemy fleet is way too powerful and the player ends up fighting the remaining ships alone. Consider adding more support vessels.

NGC 1218 system: This is a nice map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The enemy fleet is way too powerful and the player ends up fighting the remaining ships alone. Consider adding more support vessels.

Fvain Base Deck B: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Turbolift" to read "turbolift".
-Consider changing the map transfer button "Lets go and everyone becareful" to read "Let's go and everyone be careful".

Fvain Command Deck: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Let's becareful" to read "Let's be careful".
-The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Hello, [Rank]" to read "[Rank], hello, [Rank]"

NGC 1218 system: This is a nice map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Starbase 375 lower Deck: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue triggers and the mission feedback prompt comes up before you can finish reading. Consider setting the dialogue to be NPC contact so that it is completed before the mission feedback prompt appears for the end of the mission.
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue that starts with "Both I and Starfleet Command" is a run on sentence. Consider rewriting this portion of the dialogue.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Your concept for this mission and the series is good. With a little more work on the story dialogue and structure you can make it a great mission and series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 10/26/2013 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
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