Lieutenant
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 34
"They say history is written by the winners. At Memory Alpha, where Federation librarians chronicle the history of the galaxy, mysteries of the past await."

This is a story driven, narrative heavy mission with lots of dialog and a little space combat. It is meant for solo play and the mission won't make much sense if you're on a team. It is a complete story by itself and not part of an ongoing arc. I think it's pretty good but it is my first foundry mission so I am very interested in feedback. Time: 15-45 minutes depending on how fast you read. There are no level restrictions.

Sorry for not giving a more detailed description but I don't want to spoil any of the plot twists. Suffice it to say you start out reporting to Memory Alpha to archive your ship logs and end up investigating the truth behind certain inconsistencies (i.e. plot holes) that are a part of federation history.

Last edited by donkyhotay; 03-24-2013 at 05:06 PM.
Lieutenant
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 34
# 2
03-31-2013, 02:33 PM
I just realized I forgot to post the name and other specifications of my mission.

Name: The Writers of History
ID: ST-HHSLC2PJA
Author: Donkyhotay
Faction: Federation
Level: Any
Duration: 15-45 minutes
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 786
Quote:
Originally Posted by donkyhotay View Post
Name: The Writers of History
ID: ST-HHSLC2PJA
Author: Donkyhotay
Faction: Federation
Level: Any
Duration: 15-45 minutes

This is my first mission so I'm quite interested in what people think of it. As I'm certain you've heard from others, thank you for taking your time to review all of these missions.
Federation Mission - The Writers of History
Author: Donkyhotay
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HHSLC2PJA

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good story oriented mission with a couple of battles to keep the story moving forward. For your first mission I would say you did a good job overall. The story dialogue is very well written but needs a little rework here and there to help the story flow and correct typos. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like a good story oriented mission combined with minimal combat to immerse the player in the mission.

There are a few things you can do to make the mission flow better and make the player feel as if they are part of the story and not just reading it. The mission grant dialogue implies that a starship needs to physically go to Memory Alpha in order to archive its logs. I find this premise to be flawed in an age of warp drive and communications across light years of space in a short amount of time. In addition Starfleet ships and bases would be interconnected to preclude the need for a stop off at a specific location to do an archiving of the ships logs. Consider changing the premise of the visit to Memory Alpha to a call for assistance in rectifying discrepancies found in archived log files, rather than a call to archive the files the player's ship has been carrying around since they took over. You would then make the start location to enter the "Memory Alpha debriefing room" when the player arrives at the entry to Memory Alpha. You could then remove the requirement for the player to reach a console on Memory Alpha to download the files. You could also rewrite the dialogue concerning the archiving of the log files.

On almost every map below I mention capitalization of organizations, races, and factions as an issue. Specifically I noted the use of Federation, Borg, Klingon, and Vulcan for factions within the game. Similarly I noted the use of capitalization of organizations within the game such as Starfleet and Section 31 mentioned in this review. I use the standard of capitalization that is outline on the STO Wiki indicating the use of capitalization for organizations, game factions, and individual races within a mission.

I mention the use of contractions by Vulcan's on several of the maps below. This issue is entirely up to you as the author on how you handle it. As a general rule I would say the use of a contraction in a response button is not a concern since there is no way for the author to tailor the dialogue for a player's race. I have received those types of comments before saying something like "my character would not make jokes" or something equally dumb. However when using an NPC designed within the mission by the author you can control the language they use and at this point you have to decide how to create it. It is up to the author to decide and live with the decision. You will find players that feel a Vulcan would never use a contraction and therefore will mark down your mission for that reason.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little more story behind it. This is where you draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but needs a little more work. The premise that a starship needs to be physically present to archive its files seems a little odd with the communications capabilities of the age. Consider changing it to being called to Memory Alpha to explain some of the player's recent submissions or something along those lines. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is good initial task with a clear location for the start of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Memory Alpha debriefing room: This is a nice simple map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing the response button "Paklet error" to read "Pakled error".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "throughout starfleet history" to read "throughout Starfleet history".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing the response button "I guess I don't know starfleet history as well as I should" to read "I guess I don't know Starfleet history as well as I should" In addition it might be a better to not insult the player. This is the second example of lack of capitalization of organizations with the game. From this point I will note the map that it occurs on and cover in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "incident a borg temporal node" to read "incident a Borg temporal node".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "being reassigned to the borg or klingon fronts" to read "being reassigned to the Borg or Klingon fronts" This the second example of lack of capitalization of factions within the game. From this point I will note the map that it occurs on and cover in the summary above.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Course set for the babel system" to read "Course set for the Babel system"

Babel system: This is a great map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Time shift" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] We're through the portal" to read "[Rank] we're through the portal"
-Consider changing "I am detecting a large number of federation ships" to read "I am detecting a large number of Federation ships". From this point I will note the map that it occurs on and cover in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "We're invisible to them" to read "We are invisible to them". This would be an optional change as Vulcan's are unlikely to use contractions.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "They're heading straight to Earth" to read "They are heading straight to Earth". Again this would be an optional change as Vulcan's are unlikely to use contractions. I will also cover this in my summary above.

Deep space: This is a great map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I did like how you brought the player around to warp space again on the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Weather Starstreaks North South" seems to be bugged with the streaks going both directions at regular impulse. Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space than the other.
-Consider moving the Enterprise intercept point closer. The current distance seems unnecessary for the story.
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "they left Klingon space a recording was recieved at Qo'Nos" to read "they left Klingon space a recording was received by Qo'noS".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing the response button "Transmit record of this battle to Qo'Nos" to read "Transmit record of this battle to Qo'noS"
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "We will beam you to Kirks quarters" to read "We will beam you to Kirk's quarters".

Enterprise crew deck: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point further into the map. One of my bridge officers is stuck inside the bulkhead.
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "We can't use the [ShipName]s transporter" to read "We cannot use the [ShipName]'s transporter".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "Because the borg are using the Enterprises systems" to read "Because the Borg are using the Enterprise's systems".
-Consider changing "I didn't know the Enterprise had a saurian medical officer" to read "I didn't know the Enterprise had a Saurian medical officer".

Enterprise engineering deck: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-Consider changing the response button "Thats a relief, lets continue" to read "That's a relief, lets continue".

Enterprise port warp nacelle: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue; consider changing the response button "we're hear to help" to read "we're here to help".
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue; consider changing "Thats what you call sticking a bunch of weird" to read "That's what you call sticking a bunch of weird".
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue; consider changing the response button "We're hear to help you fight them" to read "We're here to help you fight them".
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue regarding Captain Kirk; consider changing "Whats to say" to read "What's to say".
-Unless this was a deliberate misspelling of Kirk's middle name consider changing "Tooberius" to read "Tiberius".

Sol system: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing the mission and executing it. Welcome to the Foundry and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 08/18/2013 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Commander
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 456
# 4
08-18-2013, 01:12 PM
Sound really interesting! I'll add it to my (ever growing) list this week .

& Rose Tinted Mirror (Fed 31+)
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