Lt. Commander
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 154
# 11
08-20-2013, 06:59 PM
Ok...popped up another chapter of the crew of the Bonaventure...back when they were the crew of the Yorktown.

Enjoy, and as always, feedback is most appreciated!
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,742
# 12
08-21-2013, 09:19 AM
@jonnaroslyn - now I want to know about the sparkles, and about the incident itself. Was the admiral the one with the cracked helmet? Were the color changes due to hypoxia as her air leaked out, was it something the sparkles did, or was it something else? How did sparkles overload a plasma conduit? Enquiring minds want to know!

@icegavel - good story. Technical points: It reads easier if you put a paragraph break every time the speaker changes in a conversation. Keeping track of who's saying what in a single paragraph can get confusing. Also, a few redundancies - for instance, when the admiral says, "Put it on the main screen," it isn't necessary to note, "...it was done." We assume that a trained Starfleet crew follows basic instructions. You can, if you'd like, note what sort of image has just appeared - that gives a nice transition, as well as an excuse to describe the image you have in your head.

Your characterization, OTOH, was good. Once I worked out who was who in those conversations, they did indeed have their own voices.
-------------------------------------------
I'm old enough not to care too much about what you think of me --
But I'm young enough to remember the future, the way things ought to be...

- Rush, "Cut To the Chase", Counterparts
Ensign
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 23
# 13
08-21-2013, 10:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonsills View Post
@jonnaroslyn - now I want to know about the sparkles, and about the incident itself. Was the admiral the one with the cracked helmet? Were the color changes due to hypoxia as her air leaked out, was it something the sparkles did, or was it something else? How did sparkles overload a plasma conduit? Enquiring minds want to know!

Sshhh, you're asking too many questions, it's classified! But nope, it wasn't her helmet, it belonged to the crewman whose death Corspa feels guilty about. The colours were caused by the sparkles, if you want, and the overload too.
But to be quite honest, I haven't really put that much thought into the incident itself. I was more interested in how the crew (or at least the senior officers) deal with the aftermath of a mission where in the end you're torn between being happy and amazed at what you've got out of it, and mourning the friends and colleagues that you've lost.

I'll take your questions as a sign that I did a half-way decent job with it, though
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,390
# 14
08-21-2013, 11:27 AM
@ everyone: fantastic entries, and great to see new contributors
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,077
# 15
08-21-2013, 08:14 PM
This is a good opportunity to go back a little ways and put out a story that i wouldn't mind getting out there.
Commander
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 498
# 16
08-21-2013, 09:22 PM
Egad...for once I know EXACTLY what I'm going to write! Hopefully, I'll get it written sometime this week.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 139
# 17
08-22-2013, 01:11 AM
did my part. Still need to get the finish in order though, so there will be more.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,077
# 18
08-22-2013, 03:57 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ambassadormolari View Post
Egad...for once I know EXACTLY what I'm going to write! Hopefully, I'll get it written sometime this week.
Same here, i used this to tell an older story, though for once, even though it was asked, i didn't do it in the narrative of telling a report. Either way, my entry is up, so hopefully it's acceptable.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 965
# 19
08-22-2013, 04:20 AM
There is a story I have been wanting to tell for a long time. That time is now.



It is a very long story. It may take a while to write. But write it I shall.


Note that events have happened between this story and the last one, so there have been some crew changes. I will eventually get to writting those stories too.



HOLY CRAP DUDE! You put a Wraith loose on your ship? That story needs to continue!
*******************************************

A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'

Last edited by grylak; 08-22-2013 at 04:31 AM.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,890
# 20
08-22-2013, 04:54 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by grylak View Post
There is a story I have been wanting to tell for a long time. That time is now.



It is a very long story. It may take a while to write. But write it I shall.


Note that events have happened between this story and the last one, so there have been some crew changes. I will eventually get to writting those stories too.



HOLY CRAP DUDE! You put a Wraith loose on your ship? That story needs to continue!
I'm going to assume we're thinking about the same type of Wraith, and note that my younger brother actually made a costume that vaguely resembles a male Wraith using the Federation alien generator.

Now that the KDF and Romulans can also have off-duty robes, it can be transferred to those factions.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, lovely, I can't even requote the Douglas Adams quote I used to have here I WANT IT BACK!!!!
Dalo Lorn
DaloLorn, StarCraft 2 Roleplayer and proud of it.
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:52 AM.