Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 770
Quote:
Originally Posted by chitowngrizz420 View Post
Sure I could always use another opinion of my mission, thank you.

Name: GRIZZ's Farmer - The Siren Star
ID: ST-H0XZ5Z67B
Author: chitowngrizz420
Faction: Federation
Level: 46+
Duration: 15-25 min

Like many players I play EC farming missions for resources and with several characters. Doing a farmer several times a day on multiple toons made me realize that 99% of the farming missions are very plain and basic boring grind missions. I thought why can't there be a farmer that can entertain us while we farm! This inspired me to create a unique short story EC farmer. It uses the classic farm set up that has been worked into the story along with custom map backgrounds and visuals. So far in less than month it has received great responses from players tired of the same old daily grinding missions that can put players to sleep.
Federation Mission - GRIZZ's Farmer - The Siren Star
Author: chitowngrizz420
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-H0XZ5Z67B

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This mission is basically a farming mission that does provide good rewards and there are plenty of battles. The enemy ships you battle, despite being higher levels are not too difficult to beat thanks to the placement of the energy field that takes away their shields. I found it when I circle to close to the enemy and lost my shields a couple of times. There is a story to the mission and it does make it more interesting. If you like farming oriented missions with a good stuff and some mission story thrown into keep in interesting then you will enjoy this mission. I realize it is not easy to place the higher level ships and still make it work but you did it. You should use your developmental talent for more in depth missions with a real story. Your development of this mission shows the ability to write a good story and make it work.

I mentioned your use of the response button "Continue" on pretty much every dialogue. I believe the player should respond to most dialog being displayed. This is particularly true when it comes to a report from the BOFF?s. Even though this is pretty much a farming mission you strive to make the player more than just a reader of dialogue. You want to involve them so they can get into the story while they are farming.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a very detailed description but I do not see any real description of a mission except for farming. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description

Grant Mission Dialogue: The dialogue seems a bit confusing. The mission info comes before the dialogue and the dialogue indicates there is an urgent message from Admiral GRIZZ but no follow on dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a very detailed initial task with a clear location to start the mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: : This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "data chip acquired by captain Brott" to read "data chip acquired by Captain Brott". When only talking about a rank the use of lower case is acceptable, but when referring to a person in that rank the first letter of the rank should be capitalized.

MAPS:
Sol System: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue from Admiral GRIZZ; consider changing "It looks the intel and coordinates are correct" to read "It appears that our intel and coordinates are correct".
-The General Reevta dialogue; consider changing "This was unexpected surprise" to read "This is an unexpected surprise".
-Consider changing "free myself from the borg collective" to read "free myself from the Borg collective". In general when referring to a faction or race within STO you should capitalize the first letter.
-The use of the response button "Continue" is over used on this map. I will cover this in my summary above and noted it on the rest of the maps.

Andoria: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Captain Sheva starts off the map acting as if she knows my character by calling e by my first name, yet at the end she uses dialogue that indicates she really does not know me. It seems inconsistent for her to refer to be in a more familiar way at the start with the follow on dialogue at the end of the fight. Consider changing one end or the other to provide consistency to the dialogue. Either she knows my character or she does not.

Deep Space Nine: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Captain Zeanto; consider changing "We are begining rescue operations" to read "We are beginning rescue operations".
-Consider changing "medical teams are being dispached" to read "medical teams are being dispatched".

Lambda Hydrae Nebula: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Admiral GRIZZ dialogue; consider changing "Use Antileptons" to read "Use antileptons".
-Consider changing "The Antileptons" are ready" to read "The antileptons" are ready".

Legion Base: This is a good map design with several fun space battles with one very tough one at the end and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Admiral GRIZZ dialogue; consider changing "We can not afford" to read "We cannot afford".

Earth Spacedock: This is a good map design and a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission. I look forward to playing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Ensign
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
# 712 Review request^^
08-31-2013, 12:02 PM
On the off chance anyone is still interested in such things (not only the creator of this thread ), I have just published a new foundry mission for which I would greatly appreciate testing / review:

Mission Name: Dark Reflections
Author: @Crystyll
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HSS6E3Y72
Estimated Mission Length: approx. 30mins

thank you for your time
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 770
# 713
08-31-2013, 11:02 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by crystyll View Post
On the off chance anyone is still interested in such things (not only the creator of this thread ), I have just published a new foundry mission for which I would greatly appreciate testing / review:

Mission Name: Dark Reflections
Author: @Crystyll
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HSS6E3Y72
Estimated Mission Length: approx. 30mins

thank you for your time
Hi Crystyll,

Welcome to the queue. You are currently 20th in the queue behind ACEMAN97. I am planning on continuing the mission reviews tomorrow morning and will get to your mission as soon as I can.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 770
Quote:
Originally Posted by cougarxls View Post
evil70th, I am looking for reviews too; I'd love to hear what you think of my mission.

Thanks!

Name: Cero Troubles
ID: ST-HQJQM996X
Author: CougarXLS
Faction: Starfleet
Level: 16+
Duration: 40+ mins (about 30 mins if you skip the dialogue)

On a world where peoples of many different species peacefully co-exist, tragedy has struck. A plague is threatening almost all life on the planet. While some believe that this plague is naturally occurring, there have been reports that the virus was artificially generated.
This world has rejected advanced technology on the surface, in favour of a simple way of life. They do not have the medical abilities and technologies to combat this plague.
An investigation into this plague will leading to a shocking discovery that threatens the whole sector, and may have serious consequences for Starfleet.

-CougarXLS
Federation Mission - Cero Troubles
Author: CougarXLS
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQJQM996X

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This mission is okay but has the potential to be a great mission. Some of the notes on the maps below indicate there are inconsistencies in the plot and dialogue. It can be hard as an author to view your story with a critical eye but you cannot always have someone review your work for you. I write out my mission as an actual script using MS Word. This gives me the advantage of spelling and grammar checking as well as the ability to read the story to see if it makes sense. Go through your mission carefully and read the dialogue and response buttons carefully. Do not read anything into them that is not actually there.

As indicated below I noted the use of the response button "Continue" quite a bit. This is an issue particularly because of the need for more story development and consistency in the mission. The response button "Continue" is the default that the button will populate with if the author does not change it. You did use the response button as a player reaction to dialogue in several places but there were still inconsistencies in the use of it. For example it seems odd to me that a bridge officer, away team member of NPC contact make a statement or give the player a report or information and the player's response is "Continue". Do not get me wrong, there are places where "Continue" may work, but I would recommend the use of "..." vice "Continue".

This mission has a lot of potential to be developed into a great story. Keep at it, and do not be discouraged by this review. My only desire with this report is to help you develop this mission and your desire to create great missions into reality.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good and detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is the same as the body of the description. Consider changing it to be more oriented to the mission story and not just a repeat of the description. You want to write it to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this grant dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task but consider adding the sector block to make it easier for the player to find the start location. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Cero III: This is a good map design with a fun battle. The dialogue needs a little more development. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" feels awkward when reports are being made or dialogue is directed at the player. I will note the use on the other maps and cover it in my summary above.
-The "Hailing Frequencies" dialogue; consider changing "I have a Mister Ookat standing by" to read "I have a Minister Ookat standing by".
-An issue with the story dialogue. In the dialogue responding to the question "What can we do to help" the Prime Minister regarding the Romulan Scientist states "Since he is not infected". The question is, how would the Prime Minister know that? In earlier dialogue the Prime Minister stated "We do not have sophisticated equipment". Consider reworking the dialogue to correct that issue.

Labs Deck: This is a nice map design with tough battles. The story dialogue needs some work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Considering adding a little more detail such as walls with doors between the open spaces. You want to make it feel more like a ship interior.
-The Dr. Mewer NPC should not be moving at all. With the longer dialogue sequence when he moves away the dialogue closes and the player has to catch up with him and start over. Consider changing the NPC to remain in one location.
-The "A Cure Must Be Found" dialogue; consider changing the order of the response buttons. For example it would make more sense for the "How should I address you" response should be the first button.
-The activation of the "Secondary Lab" by the Captain of the ship seems to be a task that the player would delegate to a science crew. The task currently requires the player to go back and forth across the map. Consider changing the "Bring the Secondary Lab Systems Online" to having the player go to another NPC crew and give that order.
-The "Evaluate Data Samples" task dialogue does not seem to flow logically. Specifically, there is no warning dialogue to let the player know what has happened. The next thing the player knows when they talk to Dr. Mewer they are asking about the bio alert.
-The "Engage Quantum Field" task; consider moving the console to the same room where the player confronts Dr. Mewer regarding the bio alert. Having a player run back and forth across a map can become tedious.
-An issue with the story dialogue and the plot. The "Speak to Dr. Mewer & Dr. V'Sash" task dialogue; consider moving the second response button "Why would the Romulans wish to poison a planet" dialogue to be a part of the "Can we tell where it came from" response button dialogue. With the current button configuration I do not need to click the first button because your second button already answers the first.
-Consider combining the "Truth Part I" and "Truth Part II" dialogues to all part of one task with the "Speak to Dr. Mewer & Dr. V'Sash" dialogue discussed in the previous line. It would flow better and the player would not need to run back and forth to talk to Dr. V'Sash and Dr. Mewer.
-The "Romulans" dialogue; consider changing "We're taken by surprise, Romulans boarding the ship" to read "[Rank], Romulan ships just decloaked off the port bow. They are deploying boarding parties".

Cero III: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". I will note the use on the other maps and cover it in my summary above.

Cero Surface: This is a nice map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialogue regarding the bio generators to refer to setting them up vice having them already beamed down and waiting to be activated. You would then use an invisible object to show the location on the map for the player to go to set up the generators. This would work much better and be less confusing than using the nav beacons. There is a 5x5x5 invisible object that would work perfectly. Then you set up a button to have the player place the generator and make the objects you currently have as the generators appear. If the generator was already in place, why would the Romulan troops not simply destroy them to prevent them from being activated?
-The use of the response button "Continue". I will note the use on the other maps and cover it in my summary above.

Cero III: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue and a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Success" dialogue; consider changing "Thank-you [Rank]" to read "Thank you [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Happy to Help" to read "Happy to help".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Survivor of Romulus
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 107
# 715
09-01-2013, 10:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by evil70th View Post
Federation Mission - GRIZZ's Farmer - The Siren Star
Author: chitowngrizz420
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-H0XZ5Z67B

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This mission is basically a farming mission that does provide good rewards and there are plenty of battles. The enemy ships you battle, despite being higher levels are not too difficult to beat thanks to the placement of the energy field that takes away their shields. I found it when I circle to close to the enemy and lost my shields a couple of times. There is a story to the mission and it does make it more interesting. If you like farming oriented missions with a good stuff and some mission story thrown into keep in interesting then you will enjoy this mission. I realize it is not easy to place the higher level ships and still make it work but you did it. You should use your developmental talent for more in depth missions with a real story. Your development of this mission shows the ability to write a good story and make it work.

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission. I look forward to playing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thanks Evil70th for your help! This was my first foundry mission and I'm glad you enjoyed it and think I would be good at making more foundry content. I have been asked to make a KDF version and I do plan on making a full length version of this story, I just haven't got to it yet . Theres a chance with the help that I might be able to hopefully get A farming mission in the spotlight.

As for the mission description I used all 1000 characters and didn't have room for everything I wanted to say, so I'll think more about what to do with that.

I changed a few dialogs with your suggestions and I didn't even notice the overuse of the "continue" so with a few minor dialog changes I fixed all those.

I made the changes and republished if you would like to check out my changes and thanks again for your help!

Last edited by chitowngrizz420; 09-02-2013 at 12:50 AM.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 770
# 716
09-02-2013, 07:47 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by chitowngrizz420 View Post
Thanks Evil70th for your help! This was my first foundry mission and I'm glad you enjoyed it and think I would be good at making more foundry content. I have been asked to make a KDF version and I do plan on making a full length version of this story, I just haven't got to it yet . Theres a chance with the help that I might be able to hopefully get A farming mission in the spotlight.

As for the mission description I used all 1000 characters and didn't have room for everything I wanted to say, so I'll think more about what to do with that.

I changed a few dialogs with your suggestions and I didn't even notice the overuse of the "continue" so with a few minor dialog changes I fixed all those.

I made the changes and republished if you would like to check out my changes and thanks again for your help!
As always I am glad I could help. I look forward to a full version of the story when you have time to develop it. Good luck and thanks for authoring.

Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 770
Quote:
Originally Posted by horriblecat View Post
Hello,

Thought I would put in my mission here for you to review.

Name: All Roads Lead To Rome
ID: ST-HRPGRETGV
Author: horriblecat
Faction: Starfleet
Level: 31+
Duration: Roughly about 20 to 25 minutes

This is my first attempt at the foundry so I am hoping I did well. I added a lot of personal feel to he storyline with main and side characters I created that represent crew on "your" ship. The story is one that I actually have a great conclusion for. This one is interesting to say the least and it was difficult to put what was in my head into the limited foundry resources. Let me know what you think of it.

I still may do a revision of it later on after finals are done with and I have more free time to develop a more concrete story.
Federation Mission - All Roads Lead To Rome
Author: horriblecat
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HRPGRETGV

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: For your first attempt at the Foundry I would have to say you nailed it. This is a great mission with several tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I was drawn into the story and despite the issues I noted below riveted to the screen to see what would happen next. The mission starts off a little slow but soon you are drawn into an investigation that leads to combat. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story combined with tough combat.

By the way, it is a whole lot longer than 20 to 25 minutes. When estimating the length of a mission you need to remember that you know what is going to happen next and where everything is. The player does not have that advantage. The best method to estimate mission length is to simply go through and read all the dialogue while moving across the maps as if you are playing it for the first time. This will also let you review the dialogue and map contents to ensure you did not miss anything.

Almost all the maps transfer dialogue stated "Go to Next Map" and some the response button said the same thing. This is the default setting of the map transfer dialogue and response button. While the story and action drew me in these points in the story served to distract from it. You need to fix these issues by incorporating them into the story dialogue as I suggested on some of the maps below. It really can be as simple as using the last dialogue from the previous conversation as the map transfer dialogue.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description with intriguing details. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written and serves to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "We need to get to the Bhea 4 to finish" to read "We need to get to Bhea 4 to finish".
-Consider removing the follow on dialogue as it does not appear to serve any purpose in the mission. It feels like it was going somewhere and then it just stops.

Mission Task: The initial task is okay but is a little vague. Not all players have a map listing all the star systems. Consider adding the sector block to help the player find the start location for the first custom map.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Bhea 4: This is a good map design with very detailed and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Anomaly" dialogue; consider changing "to the sensor subsystems to compensate against the feedback" to read "to the sensor subsystems to compensate for the feedback"
-Consider changing the response button "Lieutenant Cross divert power to compensate for the disturbence" to read "Lieutenant Cross, divert power to compensate for the disturbance".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider replacing the "Go to Next Map" with the last dialogue from the "Message from Starfleet" dialogue. The "Go to Next Map" dialogue is the default for no entry in the field. It distracts from the story.

Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider replacing the "Go to Next Map" with the last dialogue from the "Amanda Crow" dialogue. It distracts from the story. From this point I will note the maps this occurs on and cover it my summary.

Edge of the Vantis Expanse: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Phalanx Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There is a plant at the beam in point. Is that part of the map or something you added?
-The "Welcome aboard" dialogue; consider changing "I imaging you have hundreds of questions" to read "I imagine you have hundreds of questions".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Cor Naj Nibri begins to star at you intently[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Cor Naj Nibri begins to stare at you intently[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "interrupting but [Rank][LastName] here would" to read "interrupting but [Rank] [LastName] here would".
-Consider changing "the only person in starfleet I trust" to read "the only person in Starfleet I trust".
-Consider changing the response button "If I remember correctly in the Acadamy you were the one with the bad hair" to read "If I remember correctly in the Academy you were the one with the bad hair".

Engineering: This is a good map design with very well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are at least two plants on the map that look out of place. Both are in the middle of the engineering consoles.
-Consider renaming "Ensign Read" to "Ensign Reed". The other spelling is incorrect for a proper name. This would require you to locate the spelling on each map and correct it.
-The "Scan the conduit" task; consider changing the animation from a "Beam in" to a "Tricorder scan".

U.S.S. Phalanx: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Further examination" dialogue; during the previous dialogue with Admiral Isalandris she referred to the Nurse Ilys as "your nurse" and during the dialogue the nurse says "Four of your crew". This reference by the nurse is a plot issue. If she is a nurse from the player's ship then she should refer to them as "Four members of our crew".
-Consider changing "and not at the [ShipName]" to read "and not on the [ShipName]".
-The map transfer dialogue and response button both say "Go to Next Map".

Alien Ship: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Sir its the crew of the Phalanx" to read "Sir, it's the crew of the Phalanx".
-Consider moving the initial enemy mob further away to give the player time to read the initial dialogue.
-The "Humane thing to do" dialogue; consider changing "The others are similar if not more sever" to read "The others are similar if not more severe".
-The map transfer dialogue and response button both say "Go to Next Map".

Vantis Space: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the initial enemy mob further away to give the player time to read the initial dialogue.

Bridge of the Idaho: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue and a good wrap up to this mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Explanations" dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]Isalrandis stares over into your direction[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Isalrandis stares in your direction[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "Lieutenant Amanda Crow mam" to read "Lieutenant Amanda Crow ma'am".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next installment of this mission and more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 09/02/2013 on forum posting for: New Mission: All Roads Lead To Rome.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.

Last edited by evil70th; 09-02-2013 at 01:32 PM.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 770
Quote:
Originally Posted by antman9173 View Post
I have a mission I'd like you to review.

Admiral in Peril v1
@antman9173
Fed 41+
run time: (1 captain) between 15~25 minutes (team) longer (haven't tested)

The mission actually starts out at ESD console outside transporter despite the mission text as I'm still testing and fine tuning, but i wanted a good critic before i tweak anymore as the mission is pretty much done. Your reviews are very well structured and I enjoy the refreshing positive and constructive critiquing.
Federation Mission - Admiral in Peril
Author: antman9173
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HICBJ4DKJ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great combat and fleet oriented mission. The map designs are good, the battles tough but fun, and the story dialogue kept the mission moving forward. I mention fleet oriented because you clearly indicated that in the description. There is nothing wrong with fleet oriented missions and your disclosure of that would mitigate most responses from other players who do not like those types of specific references. Despite the fleet oriented nature of the mission it is still a fun mission and I would definitely recommend this mission to all players.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The dialogue is well written but needs a little more story to help draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button.

Mission Task: You need to provide a start location with the sector block to help the player find where the first custom map starts. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "at the fleet stating ground" to read "at the fleet staging ground".
-The entry prompt button; consider changing "Rendevous with the fleet" to read "Rendezvous with the fleet".

MAPS:
Burgus System: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "for your briefing from Admiral p'Rett" to read "for your briefing from Admiral P'rett" as indicated on the "Alini 7" and "Ticonderoga" maps.
-Consider changing "The lapetus has already" to read "The Lapetus has already". I noted this spelling throughout this map and the next. I realize that this is most likely the way one of your fleet members has spelled their ship name but all ship names should be capitalized. I recommend you change this throughout the mission.
-Consider changing "and attempt to begin rescue operations, barring any Borg resistence" to read "and attempt rescue operations, barring any Borg resistance".

Alini 4: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-As noted previously regarding the capitalization of "lapetus" as a ship name.
-Consider changing "I'm Garron Vek, captain of the lapetus" to read "I'm Garron Vek, Captain of the Lapetus". When referring to the rank alone it does not need to be capitalized but when referring to a specific person of that rank it should be capitalized.
-Consider changing "Proceed to the rendevous point" to read "Proceed to the rendezvous point".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Go to the renevous point and continue to visually scan the nebula[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Go to the rendezvous point and continue to visually scan the nebula[/MissionInfo]"
-The map transfer dialogue and response button both say "Go to Next Map". Consider replacing it with "Course laid in" for the dialogue and "Engage" for the response button. The "Go to Next Map" dialogue is the default for no entry in the field. It distracts from the story.

Alini 7: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Ticonderoga: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. The ending of the mission seemed a little rushed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-During the "Reach Admiral P?rett" task there are three Borg in the corridor. Consider changing them to enemy units that the player can engage. It seems odd to just leave three random Borg standing there.
-Consider changing "We got cut of from" to read "We got cut off from".
-The post "Defend your Position" dialogue; consider changing "A Cube cam in" to read "A cube came in".

---------End Report----------

I noted that the mission does not actually start on ESD as you indicated in your original review request. Of course it did take me a little while to get to your mission so you obviously had time to finish it and move the entry point. Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 770
Quote:
Originally Posted by evildeadxl View Post
Mission Name: Task Force Sol
Author: usmcprim
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: FED
Estimated Mission Length: 45 min - 1 1/2 hrs

Federation Mission - Task Force Sol
Author: usmcprim
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKNZJAXY8

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is definitely a heavy combat oriented mission with a little story dialogue to move the mission forward. Based on the little dialogue there is I am guessing this is a fleet oriented mission. The map designs are good and the battles are pretty tough on most of the maps. They are even tougher on a couple of the maps. I would recommend this mission to all players who love a combat oriented mission but I would not recommend it on Elite. It was difficult enough on Normal level.

I mention below on the description and grant dialogue that you need to add more of the story to help draw the player in. My perspective on this is that you need some story to drive the mission forward otherwise you are running from map to map and just fighting. Do not get me wrong, I like combat oriented missions too but I prefer a mission that has some story with it. It makes it more interesting if the is more of a purpose to the mission and the elements of it. It also helps the author keep the story flowing and not miss follow up elements of the story. A good example of this is how much the MACCO commandos are mentioned and have to be inserted on to ESD by the player. After that they are never seen or heard from again. Was their mission a success? The map transfer dialogue at the end of the "ESD Command Center" map is not really clear since it runs together the clearing of the station and the reactivation of the defenses. All of which were done by the player alone. The point is you need a little more story in the mission and you need to make sure you do not lose track of portions of the plot.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a simple description. Consider adding more of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are very simple. Consider adding more story to draw the player in and make them want to 'Accept' the mission. The follow on dialogue after the player clicks the 'Accept' button needs more story. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Proceed to planet Vulcan to rendeavous with Task Force Sol[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Proceed to planet Vulcan to rendezvous with Task Force Sol[/MissionInfo]"

Mission Task: The initial mission task needs the start location of the first custom map to ensure the player can locate where to start the mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Vulcan: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Return to USS Melbourne" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Excellent work" to read "[Rank], excellent work".
-Consider changing "I will be transporting Commandos to your ship" to read "I will be transporting commandos to your ship". In the same way I recommend the use of capitalization of rank when referring to a specific person when referring to a group of people it should be lower case. The exception to this would be if you were naming a specific commando.
-Consider changing the response button "We are ready to recieve the Commandos" to read "We are ready to receive the commandos".

Mars: This is a good map design with some tough battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], We have completed our scan" to read "[Rank], we have completed our scan".

Infilration: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name from "Infilration" to read "Infiltration".

ESD Interior: This is a good map design with several tough battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I'm recieving a signal from deck 35" to read "I'm receiving a signal from deck 35".

Rescue: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider having Doctor Saver disappear when the crew is beamed out. It looks odd with her still kneeling and checking the crew that is no longer there. You can do this by adding an invisible object as the trigger rather than the NPC.
-The "Commander Detan" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Get ahold of yourself" to read "Get a hold of yourself".
-Consider changing "able to save Earth Spacedock iinstead of destroying it" to read "able to save Earth Spacedock instead of destroying it".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[MissionInfo]Proceed to shuttlebay[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Proceed to shuttle bay[/MissionInfo]".

Shuttle Bay: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[MissionInfo]Use the Borg Transport Device to acces the Command Center[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Use the Borg Transport Device to access the Command Center[/MissionInfo]"

ESD Command Center: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

ESD Space: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You obviously set out to create a heavy combat oriented mission and I would say you definitely succeeded. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 09/03/2013 on forum posting for: "Task Force Sol" is now Live
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details.
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,759
# 720
09-03-2013, 08:34 PM
Hi Brian, I see my mission is next on your list and I really look forward to your feedback. I just did a fresh publish of the mission with a spell check edit so it may not hurt to wait a day or two for the publish to finish. My official forum thread for the mission is here: http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...d.php?t=652821. I hope you enjoy. Thank you.
Play more STO Foundry! (You can thank me later.)

A TIME TO SEARCH: ENTER MY FOUNDRY MISSION at the RISA SYSTEM in the SIRIUS SECTOR
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:33 AM.