Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 1 Temptation's Edge- RP Mission
01-15-2011, 09:11 PM
You receive a secret mission from Memory Alpha to go deep into Klingon Space to find a contact within the Zumak Shatak. The contact knows a new Gorn rebel leader who is planning an assault against the Empire.

The Zumak are a cruel race who thrives on the evil temptations of the universe and the Shatak is a club of sorts where they sell those temptations to their Empire masters.

When you discover tortured Starfleet Officers within the Shatak, plans and decisions become difficult.

Medium Combat with High RP story elements.

This is my third mission and probably the longest and most detailed one to create. I hope you enjoy it.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 2
01-15-2011, 10:39 PM
I played your mission, and liked it a lot! I laughed at a lot of it though, for how silly it was ... particularly the people dancing in all the drugs, or when the waitresses attack you.

Also, when you first pick up the PBM thing on the rack ... might could stand having it circled on the map. I couldn't find it easily.

I did notice two typos though, so you might wanna run through the story part again and look for them. All in all, interesting story, good writing, funness. :-)
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
01-16-2011, 04:11 AM
Because it's set on Mamory Alpha, I'm not given the option of circling the rack. It's another Foundry Beta Issue that needs to get fixed.

It's also why I tried to explain the location in detail within the dialogue. The one thing I could change is to add that scanning takes you right to it too.

Thanks for the review and the tips to help make the mission better.

I've done the update. Will have to look for any more typos when I get the chance.

If you liked this mission, you'll probably like my other two- Empty Soul and Digital Gods. Empty Soul has even been voted in people's top five picks for Stormshade's thread.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
01-20-2011, 02:03 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SBCouto View Post
Because it's set on Mamory Alpha, I'm not given the option of circling the rack. It's another Foundry Beta Issue that needs to get fixed.

It's also why I tried to explain the location in detail within the dialogue. The one thing I could change is to add that scanning takes you right to it too.
That probably also makes it impossible for you to implement my suggestion also.

I unfortunately had a clickety mishap and totally didn't get to read that whole bit about where the PBMU was...*eventually* I deduced that it should be in the next room as you were going around the complex...of course then I focused on the bodies and not the wall...after checking pretty much every body in MA, I went back to the room and saw the wall. Duh. It made perfect sense then.

I would put a WP on that drug amplifier console however...once again, logically it had to be either at the bar or at the transporter. In fact, I think I would've liked it better at the bar. It would make more sense since that is where the drug effect was happening...the bartender could tune it to the room, as it were. Bit once again since it was using Federation life support infrastructure our heroes could easily hack into it.

Think of this -- lets say you have a wall console on the backside of the bar that does the drug amp...so the dance floor is out of sight while you are doing the action...then have a mob of "freaked out" dancers, you know having a really bad reaction to the stuff and going all PCP freaky, so they start whacking on everyone. The "beam in" would be not noticed by the player because they would be behind the big wall.

But keep that console in the transporter room...since you have that neato effect there, say their modifications gave them the benefit of a transporter impediment to all but their flavor. So you need to deactivate (and disable) their system so your own ship can beam you and the prisoners off.

This provides an impetuous for the player to have to wade their way through the freaked out patrons. You could say that the drugs made some of the violence prone species have an especially anti-social reaction.

Just some thoughts I wanted to shoot your way.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 5
01-20-2011, 04:31 AM
To Malize

Really like the idea!
I kinda hate the forced transition screen, especially cause you beam out, but I think I'm going to go back and tweak that. I like the thought of all those people fighting each other and you at the same time. May just use the beam out as part of the story, like it fails for you and your crew because of something that you have to fix first.

See, this is why I detailed reviews. It helps in making a better story.

Hey I just had a thought. Since you gave me the idea, how about I name one of the characters in the story Malize? You Okay with that?
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 6
01-20-2011, 05:16 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SBCouto View Post
Hey I just had a thought. Since you gave me the idea, how about I name one of the characters in the story Malize? You Okay with that?
Don't bother me none
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 7
01-20-2011, 12:28 PM
Added a big update to the mission- an entire map with added story and content.

Malize, you got in there. Hope you like it. I took some of your advice and I think it works well in the story.

Again- this just shows how important reviews and feedback are!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 8
02-11-2011, 09:41 AM
Mission Update:

Fixed the biggest bug at Memory Alpha of people not knowing where to go. Best fix I could do.

General fixes and spelling from what I could find.



A different type of mission that some people might be used to, as most of my missions are.
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