Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 201
05-01-2011, 05:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by issoldier View Post
After about 12 hours of work over about a week I finished my Foundry Mission.
Mission: Siege of YR318
Mission ID STHJSH6CJP
Faction: Federation

Description: Starfleet Intelligence has requested our help with a situation developing in Klingon Space.
Our covert monitering station in the Otha System has been discovered, and is under seige. Break the blockade and evacuate personnel.

http://starbaseugc.com/wiki/index.php/Siege_of_YR318

Feedback would be appreciated. Eventually it will get outta review state.

Cheers.
3 Stars. Lots and lots of repeated punctuation mistakes. Only got 3 stars out of me because you story was coherent and progressed naturally.

Question thou - if this is some secret base that the klingons worked to track down, why are the feds living in tents but the klingons, who only discovered them recently, have this wonderful, fully finished base with nice interior?

Speaking of interiors, I liked your ground maps. I didn;t like that you made me run past everythng and backtrack twice.

I also didn;t like how you made me beam to "my bridge" which wasn't anything like my bridge. I know you can't use the player bridges, so you just have to choose one. My advice - don't beam anyone to "their" bridge. That entire bridge sequence was unneeded. You could have handled the discussion with Hanson as an intercom chat with her in sickbay as we got our normal space view of our ship.

Here are the nitpicks:

Seige of yr318 /

You misspelled entrance on your mission granting dialog.

Liason dialog: should have a comma after finally
in the shipyard"." "H"e might be able to ...
[Rank]"," the "s"tation (not a big S)
time"." "M"ove quickly.

Tafeng dialog: [Rank]","
Contact 22 Wing once you... wouldn't it sound better and more believable if it was the 22nd wing and not 22 wing?
All right should just be alright.

Tac BO dialog upon entering system: [Rank]","
Sensors doesn't need to be a big S
don't need a comma after fighter wing

22nd Fighter Wing Dialog: [Rank][LastName]"," Thanks doesn't need a big T.
Consistantly call them the 22nd Fighter Wing or 22 Fighter Wing, but quit switching it.

Tac BO dialog: [Rank][LastName]"," "w"e will have

Ground dialog: "We should move quickly"." "T"he station is just ahead.

Captain Andrews: comma after player rank!
getting ready for evac"." "Y"ou should speak...

Its not nice to make me run from one person all the way back to the person I just spoke to a minute ago. Its lame when Cryptic does it and not any less lame when used in the foundry.

Captain Andrews again: a comma missing again.
"I know that are carrying..." maybe missing a they in there.
Klingon engineers have drill? drilled.
everyone one to your ship I think was meant to be everyone to

And now I have to run back across all of the ground I covered again?

"For the Federation! Charge!" cheesie

Engineer dialog: [Rank]"," "s"hall we enter..?"

generator doesn't need a big g.

Let"s" get back to the station... Evacuation doesn't need the big E.

The one time you use a comma after [Rank] and you forgot the space between it and the next word. Ha! Too doesn't need to be capitalized.

Turn Off was the interact label for the transport inhibitors. Maybe need to change that.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 202
05-01-2011, 05:50 PM
The mission you reviewed as Prototype is actually mine, Relapse.

Thanks for the review, I know its not perfect and my spelling is horrid, I'm working on it.

I'll see about correcting my errors soon.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 203
05-01-2011, 09:29 PM
"Give Peace a Chance" and "Gave Peace a Chance" are mine. I'll be interested to here what you have to say, hypercritical or not.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 204
05-02-2011, 12:01 AM
Thanks for the review, appreciate your comments.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 205
05-02-2011, 08:07 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gingie
The mission you reviewed as Prototype is actually mine, Relapse.

Thanks for the review, I know its not perfect and my spelling is horrid, I'm working on it.

I'll see about correcting my errors soon.
Sorry for the unsolicited review. If you tighten it up and want a re-review, let me know and I will go back thru it.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 206 Review
05-02-2011, 08:47 AM
Hey Boglejam, could you please review my mission if you have time?
It's called
Bad intentions
Project ID ST-HDQD47O9Q

Iíll be looking forward to your honest opinion.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 207
05-02-2011, 04:14 PM
Updated Schedule...

Plato's Grandchildren / RaptorWalker
The Hunt / Carnagefiend
Spies, Spoonheads, and Saboteurs / kyle21davdson
The Second to Last Outpost / OldLordSkull
Prison Break / Chaddy18
Burning Bridges / Sturnack
Raid on Qa'vak Two / issoldier
Give Peace a Chance / FutureCaptain
Bad Intentions / Blk_DemonKnight
Rihannsu ep. 1 / Telaura
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 208
05-02-2011, 04:30 PM
Hey chief, I'd like your intense review of my stories so far that have been published.

The Rihannsu story arc, parts one, two and three. You can find them by searching for "Rihannsu" or by my author name, "Telaura."


EDIT: Three has been removed from the Live server. It works wonderfully in the Foundry test realm, but it broke during the publishing somehow. I'll update again when I can get it working.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 209
05-02-2011, 05:28 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Telaura View Post
Hey chief, I'd like your intense review of my stories so far that have been published.

The Rihannsu story arc, parts one, two and three. You can find them by searching for "Rihannsu" or by my author name, "Telaura."


EDIT: Three has been removed from the Live server. It works wonderfully in the Foundry test realm, but it broke during the publishing somehow. I'll update again when I can get it working.
I'll add Rihannsu ep.1 to the list. My policy is to review one mission per author. After it is reviewed, then you can add your next one to the list. Gives me a chance to review more authors and for the authors who want to fix the issues I find in one episode one a chance to check episode two for repeats.

Thanks.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 210
05-02-2011, 05:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
I'll add Rihannsu ep.1 to the list. My policy is to review one mission per author. After it is reviewed, then you can add your next one to the list. Gives me a chance to review more authors and for the authors who want to fix the issues I find in one episode one a chance to check episode two for repeats.

Thanks.
Word.

Cheers, mate!
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