Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 31
05-27-2011, 04:22 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by soriedem View Post
Finally got around to posting my submission.
i liked it, lots of details and makes taking command at vega colony more believable especially with the characters past history. well done.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 32
05-27-2011, 04:20 PM
Challenge #1 is now the Library thread. All story threads will be rolled into that one.

Also: I put up the "Latecomers' Thread". If you wish to write about a topic after we closed it, please do so there. Literary Challenge #1 : Prized Possessions is our first topic there.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 33
05-27-2011, 04:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Captain_Revo
i liked it, lots of details and makes taking command at vega colony more believable especially with the characters past history. well done.
Thank you. Do you have any suggestions on areas that could be improved?
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 34
05-28-2011, 03:40 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by soriedem View Post
Thank you. Do you have any suggestions on areas that could be improved?
I just finished your story Sorediem and there are many things I like. You portray the captain's mind's eye very well, making him digress and reflect and in that way reveal crucial information necessary to understand the Tobarri.

The Tobarri themselves are believable and I'd love to hear how you came up with them ^^

There are a few (very minor) problems with consistency though. Soriedem was a captain for a decade and so you shortened his training at the acedemy from 4 years to 2 and a half. (This makes sense). Then you make him an ensign (this doesn't make sense =P). Granted he was only an ensign for a few hours and I know it's your attempt to integrate your story into the STO levelling system, but I really think you should allow yourself some creative license in the future. (As I said it's a minor thing).

Also, did your character see the light in September 2410?? =P Otherwise you *might* (don't know if there's one cannon way to calculate it or several) have gotten your stardate wrong =D

Anyway I look forward to reading more about Captain Sorediem in the future, keep it up!!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 35
05-28-2011, 10:08 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jijan-Daxie
I just finished your story Sorediem and there are many things I like. You portray the captain's mind's eye very well, making him digress and reflect and in that way reveal crucial information necessary to understand the Tobarri.

The Tobarri themselves are believable and I'd love to hear how you came up with them ^^

There are a few (very minor) problems with consistency though. Soriedem was a captain for a decade and so you shortened his training at the acedemy from 4 years to 2 and a half. (This makes sense). Then you make him an ensign (this doesn't make sense =P). Granted he was only an ensign for a few hours and I know it's your attempt to integrate your story into the STO levelling system, but I really think you should allow yourself some creative license in the future. (As I said it's a minor thing).

Also, did your character see the light in September 2410?? =P Otherwise you *might* (don't know if there's one cannon way to calculate it or several) have gotten your stardate wrong =D

Anyway I look forward to reading more about Captain Sorediem in the future, keep it up!!
Thank you for the comments.

The Stardate I took directly from my ingame toon. According to Soriedem's logs, that is the Stardate of the Vega Colony mission when he took command of the Montgomery.

Also your point about Soriedem starting his career as an Ensign immediately after the Academy makes complete sense. With his background he should have left the Academy as a Lt. or Lt. Cmdr. I was trying to stay true to the STO Universe. I didn't mention it in the story, but his previous experience as a captain may have been motivation behind Chief Sherman's decision to give Soriedem command of the Montgomery as an ensign. Just a thought.

Where did the idea behind the Tobarri come from? Many places actually. I thought that Star Trek needed more species variety. As the daughter of the Klingon Chancellor once said, "The Federation is a homosapien's club." And the only real mention of an avian species was the Xindi. Yet, I reasoned, that the Xindi couldn't have been the only avian species throughout the galaxy to evolve. So, that set the foundation for the Barri.

The final episode of Voyager, where Admiral Janeway goes back in time to save her crew. She had a neurolytic compound that the Doctor had developed. Not taking anything away from the Doctor, I concluded that the core of that research may have come from a species they had met along their continued route home. The Tobarri was that species. In this unaltered timeline, they worked together and developed a better neurolytic agent, that ultimately would have kept the Tobarri safe from the Borg for many years to come. However, Admiral Janeway went back in time to bring her crew home early. Voyager never encountered the Tobarri. The neurolytic compound was never refined. Which ultimately led to the destruction of Tobarrus. You see, it's all Admiral Janeway's fault (hehehe).

Additionally, living in borg occupied space is not something any advance species could do on their own for very long. They needed an advantage over their neighbors that would allow them to survive and be able to stave off a prolonged guerilla war against the Borg. So, I decided that the Tobarri needed to be somewhat Borg like themselves. I believe that one of the biggest advantages the Borg have is the Collective Mind. Based on my limited knowledge of physics, I realized that the only way information could be sent across great distances instantaneously, was through a form of quantum entanglement. So, with all of this in mind, I came up with the t'O, a resilient lifeform that natively uses a form of quantum telepathy to stay in communication with itself. When a t'O is bonded with a Barri, the new being is able to tap into this quantum network and communicate with other Tobarri. Being able to communicate instantly with one another leveled the playing field and allowed them to fight a prolonged guerilla war against the Borg.

There is so much more I want to share about the Tobarri, and I look forward to these literary challenges to further explore these unique creatures.

Wishbone, I hope you will keep this up for a good long time.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 36
05-28-2011, 01:57 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by soriedem View Post
Thank you for the comments.

The Stardate I took directly from my ingame toon. According to Soriedem's logs, that is the Stardate of the Vega Colony mission when he took command of the Montgomery.

Also your point about Soriedem starting his career as an Ensign immediately after the Academy makes complete sense. With his background he should have left the Academy as a Lt. or Lt. Cmdr. I was trying to stay true to the STO Universe. I didn't mention it in the story, but his previous experience as a captain may have been motivation behind Chief Sherman's decision to give Soriedem command of the Montgomery as an ensign. Just a thought.

Where did the idea behind the Tobarri come from? Many places actually. I thought that Star Trek needed more species variety. As the daughter of the Klingon Chancellor once said, "The Federation is a homosapien's club." And the only real mention of an avian species was the Xindi. Yet, I reasoned, that the Xindi couldn't have been the only avian species throughout the galaxy to evolve. So, that set the foundation for the Barri.

The final episode of Voyager, where Admiral Janeway goes back in time to save her crew. She had a neurolytic compound that the Doctor had developed. Not taking anything away from the Doctor, I concluded that the core of that research may have come from a species they had met along their continued route home. The Tobarri was that species. In this unaltered timeline, they worked together and developed a better neurolytic agent, that ultimately would have kept the Tobarri safe from the Borg for many years to come. However, Admiral Janeway went back in time to bring her crew home early. Voyager never encountered the Tobarri. The neurolytic compound was never refined. Which ultimately led to the destruction of Tobarrus. You see, it's all Admiral Janeway's fault (hehehe).

Additionally, living in borg occupied space is not something any advance species could do on their own for very long. They needed an advantage over their neighbors that would allow them to survive and be able to stave off a prolonged guerilla war against the Borg. So, I decided that the Tobarri needed to be somewhat Borg like themselves. I believe that one of the biggest advantages the Borg have is the Collective Mind. Based on my limited knowledge of physics, I realized that the only way information could be sent across great distances instantaneously, was through a form of quantum entanglement. So, with all of this in mind, I came up with the t'O, a resilient lifeform that natively uses a form of quantum telepathy to stay in communication with itself. When a t'O is bonded with a Barri, the new being is able to tap into this quantum network and communicate with other Tobarri. Being able to communicate instantly with one another leveled the playing field and allowed them to fight a prolonged guerilla war against the Borg.

There is so much more I want to share about the Tobarri, and I look forward to these literary challenges to further explore these unique creatures.

Wishbone, I hope you will keep this up for a good long time.
Ah I am glad at least one of my comments was useful. (maybe you will honour me by reviewing my story?? it's named : 'First Impressions') I perused the logs in STO today and discovered two things. One: a personal log feature (with which I will most likely be messing around with in the foreseeable future) and Two: everything is ordered by stardate. I used a calulator to compute mine so it didn't occur to me that you got it from STO itself. of course using the STO date is better, I'll be sure to do that myself (see, just being here makes me learn something ^^)

Thanks for sharing your views of the Tobarri, I agree that we need more diversity in our Star Trek universe. Although, considering how we now see the development of 'seed-races' (kind of like in Stargate) it starts to make sense they're more of a 'humanoid'-club. (and of course in RL, making non-humanoid species isn't cost effective apart from other difficulties.)

I noticed your use of quantum entanglement. Using contemporary knowledge to enhance the 'realism' of sci-fi is always impressive, should have said that in my previous post.

And yes, once again congratz to Wishbone for inventing this. I'll start mentally preparing myself for next week
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 37
05-28-2011, 11:35 PM
Jijan-Daxie,

I've read the first of the two posts. It's late and I will get the other one in the morning. I really enjoyed your dialogue in the first story. I laughed out loud when I found out that the Captain was a joined trill. Your crew selection is certainly interesting. I really enjoyed your Bolian friend, Char. And, I appreciated the perspective you chose to use. I'm just wondering who was Rob on board the ship. I caught his rank, Lt. Commander. Good work. Keep it up.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 38
05-29-2011, 05:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by soriedem View Post
Jijan-Daxie,

I've read the first of the two posts. It's late and I will get the other one in the morning. I really enjoyed your dialogue in the first story. I laughed out loud when I found out that the Captain was a joined trill. Your crew selection is certainly interesting. I really enjoyed your Bolian friend, Char. And, I appreciated the perspective you chose to use. I'm just wondering who was Rob on board the ship. I caught his rank, Lt. Commander. Good work. Keep it up.
Thank you so much for the comment. Yes, Rob's position is a bit obscure but I don't think I'll spoil too much by saying that you'll see him at his station in the next part =). I'm glad you liked the perspective, btw. I thought it would be interesting to see the captain taking command through the eyes of someone other than said captain. Hopefully you like the next one as much as the first.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 39
05-29-2011, 09:17 AM
Jijan-Daxie,

I read the second part of the story this morning. Very nice. The battle with the Klingons was really well described. The way you described the plasma discharges. WOW!

I had a little trouble following the conversations that were lumped together into a single paragraph. To help make it easier to read, each person should probably be separated from one another.

What is a tachyon eddy? Tachyons are particles commonly found with temporal anomalies. I think a plasma eddy would be a better choice, considering that the nebula is filled with plasma discharges and ionized gases. The description conjures up thoughts of the badlands.

Good work. I look forward to more of your stories.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 40
05-29-2011, 10:08 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by soriedem View Post
Jijan-Daxie,

I read the second part of the story this morning. Very nice. The battle with the Klingons was really well described. The way you described the plasma discharges. WOW!

I had a little trouble following the conversations that were lumped together into a single paragraph. To help make it easier to read, each person should probably be separated from one another.

What is a tachyon eddy? Tachyons are particles commonly found with temporal anomalies. I think a plasma eddy would be a better choice, considering that the nebula is filled with plasma discharges and ionized gases. The description conjures up thoughts of the badlands.

Good work. I look forward to more of your stories.
Good idea, I'll go to work on separating the lines of text like in the first part. Bit of an oversight actually, silly me

And yes!! The Antari nebula was inspired by the Badlands. I didn't use the badlands themselves because I like the colour blue (haha), I wanted something more lightning-y instead of the well known plasma tornadoes you see there and I figured: what if I needed something that isn't exactly in the Badlands (see: tachyon eddies)?? Also I figured: there need to be more areas like that (Starfleet wouldn't make a new impulse engine just to traverse one area) so why not invent one myself. I hope I managed to create a place that is recognizable but also different.

As to tachyon eddies, ... I kind of went out on a limb there. There is this DS9 episode where Sisko builds a solar sail ship. He sails into a tachyon eddy and because tachyons travel faster than light he gets catapulted into warp. Since tachyons are the only thing I could find that would overwhelm a cloaking device (and Thryiss needed them to drop cloak) I conveniently placed them there (when isn't there something nearby a clever starfleet captain can use?? xD) you're right of course: tachyons are commonly found in temporal anomalies. I'll think about rewriting that part to leave it out, ... not sure yet, though (hm) ... wish I could run this story past a control group or something to measure rate of confusion ^^

Thanks for reading ^^
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