Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyle21davdson
Mission name : "The Kniron Incident"
Author : Kyle21Davidson
Level : Any
Faction : Federation
Language : English
Project ID : ST-HFBZQOGKH
Federation Mission - The Kniron Incident
Author: Kyle21Davidson
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFBZQOGKH

----------Part 2 Report Start-----------

MAPS:
The Kniron System: This is a really good map design. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Deep Space 21: The map design is good. The dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "A reasonable precaution" or something along those lines.
-The "Talk with Captain Kunovah" task, in the "tell me about D'Gark" dialog; consider changing "more ruthless than the even the average Klingon" to read "ruthless than the average Klingon".
-The "Tell me about yourself" dialog; the "Is that all" statement at the bottom seems out of place. Also consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Very interesting" or something along those lines.
-The "Tell me about Commander Keeral" dialog; the first response button "Continue" works however consider changing the second to read "Interesting" of something along those lines. Consider changing the third "Continue" button to read "Not at this time" or something along those lines. From this point I will not note the use of "Continue" as a response button. It will be addressed in the summary in part 1 of this report.
-Consider moving the introduction of the "Kniron First Minister" and the entire follow on dialog in front of the "access the computer" dialog. It seems unlikely that the Station Commander would forget the presence of such an important person.
-In the "Kniron First Minister" dialog she refers to me by my first name.
-The "Use the computer terminal" task; consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Access computer terminal" or something along those lines.
-I am going to assume "Starfleet authorisation accepted" is the UK English version.
-The "Tell me about the Kniron" dialog; consider re-writing the entire dilaog. The "move underground" and the "what was lost" sentences are part of the same subject and should be in the same paragraph. Consider changing "They still have severe problems with poverty and illness though" to read "Poverty and illness are still a major problem for them". Consider changing "Only recently, the Knirons have accepted aid from the Federation and are now being considered for Federation membership" to read "After many years the Kniron have finally accepted Federation aid. They are recovering slowly and have applied for Federation membership".
-The "Tell me more about their culture" dialog; consider changing "There are fears that some Kniron will show opposition to becoming" to read "There is concern that some Kniron may oppose becoming".
-It seems unlikely that the Station First Officer would countermand the orders of the Station Commander to coerce the player’s character into stopping the review of the computer data.
-The "Operate transporter pad" task; consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Energize" or something along those lines.
-The Captain D'Gark dialog; he refers to me by my first name. Consider changing that to read "You must the infamous [Rank] [LastName] I've heard so much about".
-The map transfer dialog feels a little awkward. To make this dialog work you should re-write the "Captain D'Gark" dialog so D'Gark requests a tour of the station. This would lead to a rewrite of the map transfer dialog. You could change it to something like; "[Rank] the conference will be held on deck 5, section K2" or something like this.

Deck 5: The map design is good and the dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Post explosion and fire dialog; consider changing "The fire suppression systems are offline! Computer - activate fire suppression systems!" to read "Computer activate fire suppression systems!" Add the computers response dialog. Then insert "The fire suppression systems are offline!" This would make more sense in the flow of the story dialog.
-The sensor log computer dialog; after stating the explosive is "Known to be used by the Romulans" in response to "Is this device used by any other species" the reply is "Negative". Then the computer goes on to tell "They are known to be sold by various criminal elements". It goes on to mention the Orion Syndicate and how it is popular among mercenaries.
-I'm guessing "25:00" is a reference to another planetary system time. Like Bajor or some other planet.
-The "Talk to Captain Kunovah" dialog; consider changing "there ar signs of sabotague" to read "there are signs of sabotage".
-Consider changing "The infirmary has informed" to read "Sickbay has informed".
-Consider changing "report to the infirmary" to read "report to sickbay".
-Consider adding animation to the extra crew that show up in the passageway after the explosion.
-Map transfer dialog and button. Consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Take the turbolift" or something along those lines. Consider changing "The infirmary is on deck 11" to read "Sickbay is on deck 11". Also consider changing the response button "Go to Next Map" to read "Deck 11".

Sickbay: The map design is well done, and the story dialog is very detailed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Doctor Ki'ata dialog; consider changing "He almost took the full wrath of the blast" to read "He took almost the full force of the blast".
-Consider changing "beamed to the infirmary" to read "beamed to sickbay".
-The "Captain D'Gark" dialog; he refers to me by my first name. Consider changing this to [Rank] [LastName].
-Consider changing "forgive my First officer" to read "forgive my First Officer".
-Consider changing "using Infirmary computer" to read "using sickbay computer".
-The computer dialog; consider changing all use of the word "sabotague" to read "sabotage".

OPS: The map design is good. The story dialog is very detailed but a little confusing in places. You may want to do a little re-write of the dialog in some spots to help it flow a little better. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Then intention do you propose" to read "Then what intention do you propose".
-The [MissionInfo] dialog that tells the player they have to choose who tried to kill Captain D'Gark or the mission fails. This never happens and the next thing the player notices the Klingons have left and on their way to attack the planet. Consider removing that dialog and the dialog leading up to that point to include the "Check for listening devices" dialog. Instead you could change the whole dialog to go with the Klingons enraged as the player tries to explain what has happened they leave. They are on their way to attack the planet. That would make this maps story dialog flow much better than it is currently written.
-Consider changing "he had enough troops" to read "he has enough troops".
-Consider changing the Map transfer button "Energise" to read "Energize".

The Kniron System#2: This is a really good map design and the battles are tough but not impossible. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Kniron Homeworld: The map design is well done and the dialog is well written.
-Consider changing the direction the spawn point is pointing since the initial dialog said the ruins are directly ahead when they are actually to the players left on beam down.
-You should consider either adding a couple of battles on this map or removing it as it doesn’t really seem to be needed to drive the story.

Kniron City: This is a great map design. The buildings and the cavern you designed around it is excellent. The dialog was good. The battles are tough but not impossible to beat. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing "The civillian population has been told to stay" to read "The civilian population have been told to stay".
-A group of Klingons to the north of the spawn point is in the ceiling.
-A couple of the buildings appear to be higher than the others. I noticed it because the stairs leading up to them are a good jumping distance to get up on.
-The map transfer dialog shows my ships Science officer who is not on my away team. The dialog is as if they are on my away team. Check the character selected for this dialog.

The Kniron System#3: The map design is excellent and the battles are great. The story dialog is well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The spawn point is inside the atmosphere. Consider moving everything a little further out from the planet.

Deep Space 21#2: This is a good map and a nice wrap up to the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Speak with the Captains" dialog; consider changing "I realise that" to read "I realize that".
-Consider changing the response buttons "Continue" to something appropriate to the two Captains dialog.

---------End Part 2 Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a great mission concept. The story and map design are well done. Keep up the good work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/28/2011 on forum posting for: "The Kniron Incident" - my new mission .
 

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:38 AM.