Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 181
01-04-2012, 06:35 AM
Title:
Final Judgement

Project ID:
ST-HJT83IXL9

Description:
When a Cardassian Starfleet officer in the Badlands finds himself on the verge of unearthing the mystery behind the recent appearances of 40 year old Jem'Hadar fighters, you must come to his aid against not only the Undine but also a Starfleet inquisition that threatens to end his research.

Language: English

Faction: Federation

Level: 46+
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leviathan99
Title:
Final Judgement

Project ID:
ST-HJT83IXL9

Description:
When a Cardassian Starfleet officer in the Badlands finds himself on the verge of unearthing the mystery behind the recent appearances of 40 year old Jem'Hadar fighters, you must come to his aid against not only the Undine but also a Starfleet inquisition that threatens to end his research.

Language: English

Faction: Federation

Level: 46+
Federation Mission - Final Judgement
Author: Leviathan99
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJT83IXL9

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission. The map design is great. The battles are tough but fun. The story dialog is very detailed and well written. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great detailed story with good map design and epic battles. I did not note your dialog for obvious differences in spelling between the King’s English and American English.

I would recommend adding a “Skip dialog” button to each of the lengthy dialog in your story. This will help you avoid the comments like, “too much dialog” or something like that. You can create a “Skip dialog” button that then leads to a summary window of what the player needs to continue the mission. I have recommended this in other missions with extensive dialog.

The use of "Continue" as a response button is one that I regularly note and I’m sure most authors would say it is a bit of a pet peeve on mine. I just believe it is better to have the player respond in some way to the dialog being displayed. This is particularly true when it comes to a report from the bridge officers and away team members. Of course there can be dialog where a response of "Continue" makes sense but that would be when the player is reading a computer log or something along those lines.

Below are a several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a very intriguing description that is well written enticing the player to click the "Hail" button. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Jem'Hadar fighters, you must come" to read "Jem'Hadar fighters. You must come".

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a good dialog that as with the description entices the player to click "Accept". I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "I'm on my way Doctor" or something along those lines.

Mission Task: This is a nice simple task with a clear location of the start of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a nice simple use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Distress Call - Badlands Station: This is a nice simple map design with a good battle. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing "research in to the recent swarth of appearances by unmanned" to read "research into the recent swarm of appearances of unmanned".
-Consider changing "Dominion fleet that was displaced.by the" to read "Dominion fleet that was displaced by the".
-Consider adding some dialog from the Science BOFF warning of the attack prior to the appearance of the Undine.
-The post battle dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "On our way" or something along those lines.

Research Facility: This is a really well designed map with good battles. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Dr. Jarvek dialog; consider changing the response button "Acknowledged" to read "I see" or something along those lines. "Acknowledged" just doesn't seem to fit.
-The Dr. Ravaas dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Interesting" or something along those lines.
-The post battle dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.

Claiming the Fighter - Badlands Station: This is a good map design and good battles. I liked the warp effect and with a new planet and battle to fight. Anytime you can save the player more map transfers the better. The story dialog is well done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Scan the Jem'Hadar Ship" dialog; consider changing "Excellent, Captain. I’ll prepare a boarding party immediately" to read "Excellent Captain, I’ll prepare a boarding party immediately".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines. This will be the last notation regarding the use of the response button "Continue". I’ll go into more detail in the summary above.
-The "Directive 101" dialog; consider changing "I would appear that the good doctor has been accused of most serious crimes" to read "It would appear that the good doctor has been accused of a serious crime".

Transporter Room: This is an interesting map design. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Inspector General Powell" initial dialog; consider changing "I'll sent a security team" to read "I'll send a security team".

U.S.S. Themis Bridge: This is a good map design. The story dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Inspector General Powell" dialog; consider changing "warship was to give a groupof True Way" to read "warship was to give a group of True Way".
-Consider changing "insisting that you are theonly one" to read "insisting that you are the only one".
-There is a NPC that keeps running back and forth on the bridge.
-There are several officers on the bridge that appear to be there for no purpose, especially since the next map is "Courtroom".

Courtroom: This map is really well done. The story dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Proceed with Research" dialog; consider changing "the sensitive natureof the proceedings" to read "the sensitive nature of the proceedings".
-Consider changing "will be allowed toproceed" to read "will be allowed to proceed".
-The "Access the Deposition" dialog; consider changing "it will restorepride to his people" to read "it will restore pride to his people".
-Consider changing "to me at once,pending his" to read "to me at once, pending his".
-The "Exhibit D; Expert Testimony" dialog; consider changing "have contacted himself and other engineers" to read "have contacted him and other engineers".
-The "Talk to Skrreean Researcher dialog; consider changing "Captain [FirstName]" to read "Captain [LastName]"
-The "Take Your Place" dialog; consider changing "[FirstName] [LastName] was also swoirn in as" to read "[FirstName] [LastName] was also sworn in as".
-The "This is highly irregular" dialog; consider changing "and even the preumption of guilt" to read "and even the presumption of guilt".
-The "I object" dialog; consider changing "Chief Medical Officer relieving meof duty" to read "Chief Medical Officer relieving me of duty".
-Consider changing "attacked [FirstName] [LastName] and theStarfleet away team" to read "attacked [FirstName] [LastName] and the Starfleet away team".
-Consider changing "Not ti the best of" to read "Not to the best of".

Holodeck: This is a great map design and the battles are good. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-When the holodeck program is ended the platform with the "Holo Doctor" remained visible. If possible you should make it disappear. I am not sure you’ll be able to since the player interacts with the "Holo Doctor". This could be avoided by adding an invisible object to trigger the "Holo Doctor" dialog.

U.S.S. Themis Bridge - Battle for Control: This is good map design with an extremely tough battle. The story dialog is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post "Restore Engine Control" dialog; consider changing "have done thr trick" to read "have done the trick".

Courtroom - The Verdict: This is a good map design and excellent mission wrap up dialog. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission from the detailed story to the fantastic map design and epic battles.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/04/2012 on forum posting for: Final Judgement.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 183
01-07-2012, 11:31 AM
Hope everyone had a great NEW YEAR! I'm looking forward to reviewing more missions in the coming year.

Thanks for authoring.
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 184
01-07-2012, 08:38 PM
Title:
Not Our War

Project ID:
ST-HJBWPEPE9

Description:
When Starfleet Command tasks you with investigating an anomaly in the Badlands, something goes horribly wrong that gets you and your crew involved in one of the bloodiest wars in the Alpha Quadrant's history! Its up to you and your crew to solve the situation, otherwise the entire Alpha Quadrant as you know it could be lost forever!

Language: English

Faction: Federation

Location: The Badlands

Length: 45 mins - 1 hr 1/2

Level: 31+
__________
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 185
01-08-2012, 12:50 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zondi View Post
Title:
Not Our War

Project ID:
ST-HJBWPEPE9

Description:
When Starfleet Command tasks you with investigating an anomaly in the Badlands, something goes horribly wrong that gets you and your crew involved in one of the bloodiest wars in the Alpha Quadrant's history! Its up to you and your crew to solve the situation, otherwise the entire Alpha Quadrant as you know it could be lost forever!

Language: English

Faction: Federation

Location: The Badlands

Length: 45 mins - 1 hr 1/2

Level: 31+
__________
Thanks Zondi. I'll take a look first thing in the morning PST and post my report shortly after that.

Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zondi View Post
Title:
Not Our War

Project ID:
ST-HJBWPEPE9
Language: English
Faction: Federation
Location: The Badlands
Length: 45 mins - 1 hr 1/2
Level: 31+
__________
Federation Mission - Not Our War
Author: Zondi
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJBWPEPE9

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a really good mission. The map design is good. The story dialog is well written and the battles are tough to extremely tough. Your story is well crafted and the execution is very good. I would definitely recommend this mission to anyone who likes a well written story with good maps and a good mix of fighting and story.

The use of "Continue" as a response button is one that I regularly note as an issue despite the fact that Cryptic uses it quite a lot on their missions as well. I’m working on that too. . I believe the player should respond to most dialog being displayed. This is particularly true when it comes to a report from the BOFF’s. The use of "Continue" might make sense when the player is reading a computer log or on the "Mess Hall" initial dialog it worked too.

The use of maps can be a tricky thing for an author. Trying to achieve a balance between storytelling and the maps can be hard. Your "7th Fleet" I believe could be condensed making the story flow better and giving the player fewer map transfers. You should consider combining the three maps into one. You could place the initial spawn point for the "7th Fleet" map where the Admiral asks you to defend the rear close to the middle of a space map. Then the player could fly to the rear area and begin the "7th Fleet Rear" battle. If you do this be sure to add re-spawn points as you go through each area fight. Just as too many map changes are irritating so is flying all the way across the map if you get destroyed.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a very detailed description that serves the purpose of drawing the player in and making them want to click "Hail". The notes regarding difficulty, length and type of play should be given at least a single line of separation from the main description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding to your notes that this is part one of the series.

Grant Mission Dialog: The dialog is intriguing and as above serves the purpose of drawing the player in and making them want to click "Accept". I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "They given us orders" to read "We've received orders".

Mission Task: Your initial mission task should contain the location of the start point for the first custom map. Despite the fact you included it in your description and the Grant Mission dialog you should add it to the task to make it easier for players to find it.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
The Badlands: This is a really good simple map design. The effects and dialog triggers work really well. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider placing the entire Science BOFF dialog into one separated by hard returns. This would take the player all the way to the final response button "Very good" vice the two "Continue" response buttons in between.
-The post "Perform Sensor Scan" dialog; in response to the Engineering BOFF dialog "Hold on" consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "What is it" or something along those lines.
-From this point I will stop noting the use of the response button "Continue" and cover it in my summary.
-The post "Move Within Tractor Beam" dialog; consider changing "Its hit the Cardassian ship" to read "It hit the Cardassian ship".
-Consider changing "reading the luanch of all" to read "reading the launch of all".
-The response button "And the same thing has happened to us". This appears to be a question, if so you should consider changing the punctuation to "?".

Deep Space: This is an excellent map design. The battles are challenging but not impossible. The story dialog is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post battle dialog from the "Any clue where the pods went" response button; consider changing "and their are no planets" to read "and there are no planets".
-Consider changing "The federation retakes DS9" to read "The Federation retakes DS9".
-Some of the ships that warp in to assist in the battle continue to warp in after the battle is over. While the initial warp in looks great if they continue to do this while the player is reading the dialog it can be distracting. It could be caused by the idle behavior setting. Consider removing that setting or severely reducing it.
-Consider changing the BOFF who has the theory to the Away Team Science BOFF vice the Bridge Engineering BOFF.
-The map transfer dialog; consider changing "Curse plotted" to read "Course plotted".

Mess Hall: The map design is good. The story dialog is excellent. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Talk to Barkeep Benz" dialog; consider changing "How are you doing today captain" to read "How are you doing today Captain".
-The use of the "captain" when the crew or BOFF is addressing the player directly should be "Captain". This would also apply to any rank.
-Taking the reference from the previous map regarding the "Consider changing the BOFF". There are two reasons for this recommendation. First, depending on the player’s crew the Bridge BOFF may be different from the Away Team BOFF. Second, it would seem more likely that a Science BOFF would be more likely to have the theory regarding temporal interference.
-The theory dialog; consider changing "And it wont be the last" to read "And it won't be the last".
-The use of "federation" vice "Federation" in the response to "Anyone else" dialog.
-General NPC note in the "Mess Hall" several NPC’s are set to wander and they walk over tables and other objects. Consider removing or reducing this behavior.

Starbase 214 - Main Level: This is a good map design. The story dialog is very well written and I like the split dialog between "Section 31" and "Time Traveler". I read both strings. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing most of the crates in the corridor as they seem to impede the Away Team BOFF's and do not appear to serve a real purpose to the story.
-The Admiral's briefing dialog; consider changing "be able to route the remaining" to read "be able to rout the remaining".
-Consider changing the Admirals dialog response to "Pose as section 31" button; He states he's "never heard of section 31" but in the very next dialog he states "that only select people know of section 31". This seems to contradict the previous dialog.
-That same dialog; consider changing "want you to know.Alright [Rank]" to read "want you to know. Alright [Rank]".
-Consider changing "I'll let you be on your merry" to read "I'll let you be on your merry way".
-The "Sort Shipping Manifest" console is partially hanging out off the steps. Additionally this console and the "Assign Supplies" consoles are too close to each other and it looks awkward. Consider changing both consoles to smaller ones.
-The "Assign Supplies to Correct Ship" console button says "Interact". Consider changing it to read "Distribute supplies".
-The "Assign Supplies to Correct Ship" puzzle; consider adding a "Skip Puzzle" button that resolves the puzzle.

Starbase 214: This is a nice map design with a lot of ships. The story dialog was good. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing "I don't believe their wasn't one" to read "I don't believe there wasn't one".
-The actual distribution of the supplies didn't seem to be necessary to the story.

Tyra III: This is a nice map design with a good short battle. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing "Look as if it wont be ready" to read "Looks as if it won't be ready".
-Consider moving the initial spawn point closer to the station.

Cardassian Station: The map design is outstanding. The battles are tough but not impossible and I like the additional squads that beam in based on triggers. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Some of the crates in the passageway are buried in the bulkheads.
-The "Map Transfer" dialog; it displays one of my Science BOFF's vice Captain Duvar.

7th Fleet: This is a nice simple map design. The story dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing "Decided to join the party afterall" to read "Decided to join the party after all".
-Consider changing "we'll be luck if any of" to read "we'll be lucky if any of"
-The response button "Its not hopeless sir" to read "It's not hopeless sir".

7th Fleet Rear: This is a good map design with very tough battles. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

7th Fleet Center: This is a good design with extremely tough battles. The story dialog is well written. I noted only one item to consider changing.
-The good guys are all destroyed quickly leaving the player to fight off 14+ ships alone. Tough battles are good and fun but this is way too much. I spent almost 20 minutes defeating the remaining ships. There are too many bad guide squadrons you should consider cutting it back a little or releasing them in waves vice all at once.
-I will discuss map combining for the "7th Fleet" maps in my summary.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a great first part to your mission series and I look forward to playing/reviewing part two.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/08/2012 on forum posting for: Not Our War - New Foundry Mission!.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 187
01-09-2012, 08:08 AM
Mission Name: The Siege Part 1
Author: Cruis.In
Minimum Level: Any Level (recommended high level)
Allegiance: F
ST-(Mission ID Number) : Not sure?
Estimated Mission Length: 22 Mins
Method of Report Delivery: Forum post


thanks alot in advance!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 188
01-09-2012, 04:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cruis.In View Post
Mission Name: The Siege Part 1
Author: Cruis.In
Minimum Level: Any Level (recommended high level)
Allegiance: F
ST-(Mission ID Number) : Not sure?
Estimated Mission Length: 22 Mins
Method of Report Delivery: Forum post


thanks alot in advance!
Thanks Cruis_in. I'll take a look this evening and post shortly after that.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 189
01-09-2012, 08:25 PM
well thank you sir for trying it!!! i say we give this man some credits people!!!!!! if even one person enjoys my mission. I've suceeded.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cruis.In View Post
Mission Name: The Siege Part 1
Author: Cruis.In
Minimum Level: Any Level (recommended high level)
Allegiance: F
ST-(Mission ID Number) : Not sure?
Estimated Mission Length: 22 Mins
Method of Report Delivery: Forum post


thanks alot in advance!
Federation Mission - The Siege Part 1
Author: Cruis.In
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HD8V8PCO8

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a really good mission concept. Your story is great and the battles are tough. The final battle is epic and a lot of fun. I would definitely recommend this mission to anyone who likes interacting tasks mixed with dialog and epic battles near the end. Don’t be thrown off by the volume of items listed on the last map. I really liked this mission.

The "UGC Contact" issue listed below is a result of the default in the Foundry if do not name the NPC. This is a minor detail but when you interact with the character it is a little distracting. Some of the interaction tasks need just a little adjustment to the button name and the actually animation associated with the interaction. I made recommendation on each below for you to consider. I would also recommend throwing in some battles during the interaction tasks to mix it up a bit. One last thing to consider is creating some costumes to make up the Marines so they don’t look like generic Starfleet personnel.

Below are a few items I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is an interesting description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more to the mission description. You want to draw the player in and make them want to click "Hail".

Grant Mission Dialog: The dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more detail to this dialog. As above you want to draw the player in and make them want to click "Accept".

Mission Task: You should add the start location of the first custom map to the initial task. Even though you included it in the "Grant Mission" dialog you need to provide it in the task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Map 1: This is a nice simple map design. The story dialog is excellent. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The "Understood" response dialog; consider changing "We'll be beaming over to the shipname extensive supplies" to read "We'll be beaming over to the [ShipName] extensive supplies".

Donatu: This is a really good map design. The dialog is well written. I only noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Prepare an away team" dialog; consider changing "the remains of the federation and klingon fleets" to read "the remains of the Federation and Klingon fleets".
-The space explosions look good. Some of the Klingon ships look like they are in formation instead of adrift. Consider changing the headings to look more random as if adrift.

Donatu 1: This is a good map design. The interacting tasks are well thought out and the battles are very tough. The epic fighting at the very end was a lot of fun. I noted several items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Speak to Captin Anderson" task to read "Speak to Captain Anderson".
-Captain Anderson is labeled as "UGC Contact" which is the default for an NPC name in the Foundry. This of course makes the button "Talk to UGC Contact".
-The "Explore the camp" task; consider changing the interacting animation with the console to leaning and typing or some interaction animation appropriate to the console.
-The first "Examine Base" task; consider changing the interaction animation with the console to leaning and typing or some interaction animation appropriate to the console.
-All the tables and chairs are hanging on the side of the hill in mid air. There is also a platform that is partially buried in the ground.
-The second "Examine Base" task; consider changing the interaction animation with the console to leaning and typing or some interaction animation appropriate to the console.
-The post second "Examine Base" dialog; consider changing "layout of the base now Quite a bit of work to do" to read "layout of the base now. Quite a bit of work to do".
-I assume the response button was to say "proceed at maximum warp".
-Crewman Conner is also labeled as "UGC Contact".
-The "Crewman Conner" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Let's get to work" or something along those lines.
-The "Check the first Inhibitor" interaction button says "Interact" which is the default. Consider changing it to read "Scan Inhibitor" or something along those lines.
-The "Check Second Inhibitor" interaction button says "Interact" which is the default. Consider changing it to read "Scan Inhibitor" or something along those lines.
-The post "Check Second Inhibitor" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Good. Let’s fix the inhibitor" or something along those lines.
-Did you mean to call this interact object "Inhibitor" vice "Enhancer"?
-The "Fix the Enhancer" interaction button says "Adjust Enhancer". This is what I mean with the other interactions.
-The task that should be "Speak to Crewman Conner" or something along those lines is labeled "Check the Inhibitor".
-All the injured NPC's are labeled "UGC Contact" consider naming them. Also one of them is standing on a plant.
-Doctor Jones is also labeled as "UGC Contact".
-The Marine to be examined is the one standing on the plant. Consider placing a smaller object on the ground next to him to trigger the examination. In addition change the "Interact" button to read "Examine Marine" or something along those lines.
-Who is the NPC that warned of the Klingons entering orbit?
-You should consider spreading the fighting among the other tasks to mix it up a bit more.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with this mission. I look forward to playing and reviewing part 2.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/09/2012 on forum posting for: New Mission - The Siege Part 1.
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