Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 1 "Ghosts of War" series update
10-28-2011, 06:40 PM
"Ghosts of War, Part II" (aka "Extraordinary Rendition") is now published!

"Ghosts of War, Part III" is undergoing a story rewrite to mesh better with Parts II and IV. Its subtitle (which, in my missions, appears as yellow text at the start of the mission) is also being changed from "Blood Betrayal" to "False Flag".

"Ghosts of War, Part I" ("Dust To Dust") has undergone a few tweaks since it was first published.

The stories for Parts IV through VIII have been written, but each may undergo revision between now and when they are developed into missions.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCC-89471 View Post
"Ghosts of War, Part I" ("Dust To Dust") has undergone a few tweaks since it was first published.
Federation Mission - Ghosts of War series Part I: Dust To Dust
Author: NCC-89471
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HBPDJHGFE

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: From the story, to the map design, to the battles this mission is outstanding. Your dialog writing is outstanding. I found some issues with some of the response buttons for various dialog but otherwise really a great mission.

You will find a number of references to the use of "Continue" in the response buttons below. This is definitely a personal preference but I felt it should be something for you to consider. While the use may be appropriate in some aspects of the dialog many others it seems awkward. For example if the Tactical officer makes a report of something the "Continue" button should be changed to a response appropriate from the Captain regarding that dialog or adding to the follow on dialog. An appropriate use of "Continue" might be when reading a log entry or computer output report that doesn’t need a response from the player. Alternatively you could use "…" as a response as well. It is something for you to consider and by no means is it a show stopper.

If you were trying to use the space explosion effect for the satellites on the Verena III - Space map it doesn’t work properly. This is a known issue with that particular Foundry effect. You should report this as a bug to Devs. The more reports they receive regarding this issue the more likely they’ll be able to fix it. In trouble shooting they need to be able to narrow down the possible causes.

If anyone who reads this critique is wondering if you should play this mission. You need to ask yourself if you like a great story with intriguing plot twists and well designed maps with good battles and effects? If the answer to any of this is yes then this is the mission for you.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This description is good but you should add a few more intriguing details to draw the player in. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialog: The overall write up is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I only noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the first paragraph you mention "fears the node has been compromised by the Romulans or the Hirogen". In the next paragraph it's all about finding and engaging the "Hirogen". Consider adding the "Romulans" as well to the second paragraph for the player to be finding and engaging. They don't actually have be in the scenario but now the player won't be sure who they'll be engaging until they engage them. It would add a little more mystery which serves to draw the player in and make them want to hit "Accept".

Mission Task: You need to add the start location of the first custom map in the Map Text field for the first mission task even though it was very clearly stated in the Grant Mission dialog. An example of this would be "Demil System, Alpha Centauri Sector: One Bad Apple" or something like that. This will reduce the number of feedback you receive that says "Couldn’t find the start location". I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors.

MAPS:
1: CA-115 - Space: The story dialog is excellent and the code analysis is really well done. The battles were tough but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialog response buttons labeled "Continue" to "Let’s get to it" or something along those lines as a clear indicator that this is the end of that dialog.
-The initial battle is good and I like the warp in effect you chose for the entry however because of the distance at which the warp in is triggered they continue to warp in over and over until the player engages them. Consider changing the trigger for this so the player is within the 10KM distance needed to provoke an engagement.
-Since the recommendation from the Engineer was to "shutdown all surrounding nodes first to prevent the spread of the worm" consider making the "Locate compromised node" task the only one until it has been located. Then make the other tasks for "shutdown all surrounding nodes" appear after. Then when the "Disinfect compromised node" task appears it will flow in the story a little better.

2: Verena III - Space: The dialog for this map is outstanding and very detailed. The map design is excellent. The battles were tough but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-My assumption is that each satellite was supposed to disappear in an explosion. This is known issue with the space explosion effect in the Foundry and therefore out of your control.
-Post "Scan the first satellite" dialog; consider changing the "Continue" button to "We need to find away..." or something along those lines which leads into the Engineer's follow on dialog.
-Post third satellite scan dialog; consider changing "Continue" to "Let's hope so" or something like that.
-Post fourth satellite scan; the fourth satellite disappears right after the scan and since the Engineer's dialog earlier said "registering our scan as a spike in background radiation that won't trigger the autodestruct system" then it shouldn’t disappear. It then reappears during the "Download logs" phase. This may be a limitation of the Foundry trigger effects. I’ll discuss it further in my summary.
-Admiral Youngs dialog; consider changing the "Continue" response button to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.

3: Verena III - Ground: The story dialog is very compelling and well written. Your map design is excellent. The battles were tough but not impossible to win. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to "More like a mass murder crime scene" or something along those lines.
-Post "Reach survey team's base camp" dialog; consider changing response button "Continue" to "Let's get to it" or something along those lines. The Captain should at least acknowledge the recommendation.
-Post data clip upload dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to "Acknowledged" or something like that. Again the Captain should at least acknowledge the report.
-Just a question; was it your intention to refer to it as "data clip" vice "data chip"?
-Post "Analyze the soil and plant samples" dialog; consider changing the response button on the Tactical officers dialog from "Continued" to "No doubt" or something along those lines.
-Team Leaders log examination dialog; the use of the word "Continue" is okay here as it is just reading the logs. You could change it to "..." also which would indicate the player reads on. Either of these works for the log reading.
-Communications log examination dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to "Interesting" or something like that.
-Sensor log examination dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to "What have you found" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the second response button "Continue" to "The mystery is growing..." which is interrupted by the bad guys.

4: Verena III - Space: The story dialog is outstanding and the battles are challenging but not impossible to win. Your map design is excellent. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Post battle dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to "Open hailing frequencies" or some acknowledgement of the Tactical officers dialog.
-In the "Talk to dreadnought captain" dialog; consider changing the final response button "Continue" to "Thank you Captain and to you as well" or something like that.
-Admiral Youngs dialog; consider changing "feared political figures wouldn't take a take a keen interest" to read "feared political figures wouldn't take a keen interest".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job and I look forward to playing and reviewing the sequel to this mission.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/13/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCC-89471 View Post
"Ghosts of War, Part II" (aka "Extraordinary Rendition") is now published!
Federation Mission - Ghosts of War series Part II: Extraordinary Rendition
Author: NCC-89471
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HI6PMJ2Y8

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great sequel in the series. From your dialog writing to the map design and battles you were able to keep me engaged. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone likes the combination of a great story and map designs with a good mix of battles thrown in.

I really like the use [OOC] in the dialog box to make the player’s contribution to the mission dialog so much more engaging than the short space given in the response buttons. I am doing the same thing in a story I am developing. I noted in several places the use of "Continue" as a response to dialog that is meant to engage the player. As I have said in many reports I’ve filed there are times when this would be a good response but so many more that it is not. You can help yourself out by using a technique that I use. I take the last line of the [OOC] dialog and make that my response button rather than using the default "Continue". It’s something to consider.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description with just enough to make me want to click the "Hail" button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Romulan senator" to read "Romulan Senator".
-Consider adding an author’s note regarding the dialog heavy nature of the mission. That way the players know exactly what they are getting into.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a good Grant Mission dialog. There is just enough mystery to it that draws me in and makes me want to click "Accept". I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: You need to add the start location of the first custom map in the Map Text field for the first mission task even though it was very clearly stated in the Grant Mission dialog. An example of this would be "Rhi System, Alpha Centauri Sector: Interstellar Exports, Ltd." or something like that. This will help the player find their way to your first custom map and reduce negative feedback. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors.

MAPS:
1: Tazen Prime - Space #1: This map design is good and the dialog is well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "[LastName], [FirstName], captain" to read "[LastName], [FirstName], Captain".
-The "black snow in stock" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "I'll keep that in mind" or something along those lines.

2: IntEx - Ground: The map design is well done and the battles are an interesting part of the map story. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I like the way you use [OOC] in the dialog box to allow the player to say a little more in the story. The only thing I do different is I take the last line of the [OOC] dialog and make that my response button rather than using the default "Continue".
-The "There's someone up ahead" dialog; consider changing response button "Continue" to read "Let's check it out" or something along those lines.
-The post battle dialog; consider changing "try to slip aboard to take" to read "try to slip in to take".
-Consider changing "I wouldn't be surprised to run into" to read "I wouldn't be surprised if we ran into".

3: IntEx - Interior: This is a very simple map design. Story dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Map Transfer" dialog; consider changing "best sustainable speed" to read "best possible speed".

4: Barradas III - Space: This is a good map design. The dialog is very well written and the triggers are very clever. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Black Snow" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "That could work well" or something along those lines.

5: Barradas III - Ground: This is an interesting map design with some simple fights. The story dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-For the initial dialog response button I would make the same recommendation from the "2: IntEx - Ground" map above.
-The ruins near the "first holoemitter frequency" location needs to be reset on the terrain. Parts of the building are sticking out in midair.
-The "Contact ship" dialog; in the [OOC] dialog representing the player calling the ship is using my characters first name.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.
-Post "Ship Jamming" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Let's check it out" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the frequency scans to an actual scan interaction. Also consider moving them a little closer together. There seemed to be a lot of unnecessary running all over the map for little gain in the story.

6: Listening post - Interior: This is a good map design with good tough battles. The dialog is really well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post battle "Black Snow" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "We're on our way" or something along those lines.
-The post command center battle "Black Snow" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "We'll take a look" or something along those lines.

7: Barradas III - Space #2: The map design is good. The story dialog is very well written. The battle is good as well. I noted one item to consider changing:
-For the initial dialog response button I would make the same recommendation from the "2: IntEx - Ground" and "5: Barradas III - Ground" maps above.

8: REDACTED - Space: This is a nice simple map design and the story dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "There's another ship parked near" to read "There's another ship near". Ships do not park.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Set course" or something along those lines.
-Post "Approach the station" dialog; consider changing "it's Admiral Youngs" to read "It's Admiral Youngs".

9: Intel HQ - Interior: This is a good map design and the story dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Talk to Admiral Youngs" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Thank you Admiral" or something along those lines.
-Post explosion dialog; my bridge science officer states that "our science officer has something else to report".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I am looking forward to the next installment of this series.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/23/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCC-89471 View Post
First of all, a belated thank you to Evil70th for your feedback on "Ghosts of War" Parts I and II. I have just now returned to the Foundry after an extended absence (and retooling the plot outline for the rest of the story arc, which will now be "only" a six-part series instead of the originally planned eight).

Before setting to work in earnest on Part III, I did go back through Parts I and II, and added most of your suggested improvements. In particular you'll be pleased to know that I fixed the problem of the disappearing satellite orbiting Verena III in Part I, and in Part II I bumped up the Barradas III guard-tower detection radii by 50% each so you have a little less ground to cover to get within range of each one. (Also on Barradas III, I renamed the towers from "first", "second" and "third" to "west", "south" and "east" respectively, since it doesn't matter which order you visit them in.)

Last, but definitely not least, I did add the location info to the first objective of both missions (in these cases, the "title card" objective at the start of the first map).

I never gave you all the mission info for Parts I and II the first time around, so I will do that now - except for the mission IDs, which I am too lazy to log back into the Foundry to retrieve.

Mission Name: "Ghosts of War, Part I" (Dust to Dust)
Author: NCC-89471
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated Mission Length: 20 minutes
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post
Federation Mission - Ghosts of War series Part I: Dust To Dust (Re-Review)
Author: NCC-89471
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HBPDJHGFE

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: From the story, to the map design, to the battles this mission is outstanding. Your dialog writing is outstanding. If you like a great story with excellent maps and tough battles then this is the mission for you. I would highly recommend this mission to all Federation players. Make it so…

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This description is good. The goal is to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail". I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialog: The dialog is good. The goal is to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: You placed the start location in the wrong field. It needs to be in the Map Text field of the map transition dialog on the storyline.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors.

MAPS:
1: CA-115 - Space: The story dialog is excellent and the code analysis is really well done. The battles were tough but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial battle is good and I like the warp in effect you chose for the entry however because of the distance at which the warp in is triggered they continue to warp in over and over until the player engages them. Consider removing this effect.
-You should place interact objects or beacons to simplify finding the nodes and the location to shutdown and disinfect. The player could then use the scan feature to locate the next task. Even though it is indicated on the map the map is not 3D so it is hard to locate. Flying around in circles, up and down is not a puzzle nor enjoyable. It’s just plain annoying.

2: Verena III - Space: The dialog for this map is outstanding and very detailed. The map design is excellent. The explosion of the satellites is well done. The battles were tough but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

3: Verena III - Ground: The story dialog is very compelling and well written. Your map design is excellent. The battles were tough but not impossible to win. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The pop-up battles; consider moving the enemy back a short distance from the trigger point. Not outside of weapons range but not on top of the trigger either.
-Consider changing the interact animation for each collection to a kneeling and interact with object versus the digging motion currently set.
-The tent where the computer terminals are located appears to be turned in the wrong direction. The entrance is facing south and there is a large computer console there that you can't get past. Consider turning the tent so the entrance is facing north.

4: Verena III - Space: The story dialog is outstanding and the battles are challenging but not impossible to win. Your map design is excellent. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The response button "Satellite transmission" dialog; consider changing "I'll put our codebreakers to work on" to read "I'll put our code breakers to work on".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a fantastic job in developing this mission and I look forward to playing the others in the series.
Brian

This critique report also filed 02/04/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCC-89471 View Post
First of all, a belated thank you to Evil70th for your feedback on "Ghosts of War" Parts I and II. I have just now returned to the Foundry after an extended absence (and retooling the plot outline for the rest of the story arc, which will now be "only" a six-part series instead of the originally planned eight).

Before setting to work in earnest on Part III, I did go back through Parts I and II, and added most of your suggested improvements. In particular you'll be pleased to know that I fixed the problem of the disappearing satellite orbiting Verena III in Part I, and in Part II I bumped up the Barradas III guard-tower detection radii by 50% each so you have a little less ground to cover to get within range of each one. (Also on Barradas III, I renamed the towers from "first", "second" and "third" to "west", "south" and "east" respectively, since it doesn't matter which order you visit them in.)

Last, but definitely not least, I did add the location info to the first objective of both missions (in these cases, the "title card" objective at the start of the first map).

I never gave you all the mission info for Parts I and II the first time around, so I will do that now - except for the mission IDs, which I am too lazy to log back into the Foundry to retrieve.

Mission Name: "Ghosts of War, Part II" (Extraordinary Rendition)
Author: NCC-89471
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated Mission Length: 40 minutes
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post
Federation Mission - Ghosts of War series Part II: Extraordinary Rendition (Re-Review)
Author: NCC-89471
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HI6PMJ2Y8

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great sequel in the series. From your dialog writing to the map design and battles you were able to keep me engaged. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone likes the combination of a great story and map designs with a good mix of battles thrown in.

I would recommend changing the response button "Continue" to read "Skip Dialog". This recommendation comes from several of your maps where the dialog buttons seemed to take the dialog around in circles but in almost every instance there was a response button "Continue". If that is labeled "Skip Dialog" the player has chance to skip over the dialog and get on to the next task. It is not a show stopper but something worth looking at.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description with just enough to make me want to click the "Hail" button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding an author’s note regarding the dialog heavy nature of the mission. That way the players know exactly what they are getting into. Or you could add a "Skip Dialog" feature within the mission.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a good Grant Mission dialog. There is just enough mystery to it that draws me in and makes me want to click "Accept". I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: You placed the start location in the wrong field. It needs to be in the Map Text field of the map transition dialog on the storyline.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors.

MAPS:
1: Tazen Prime - Space #1: This map design is good and the dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

2: IntEx - Ground: The map design is well done and the battles are an interesting part of the map story. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-I like the way you use [OOC] in the dialog box to allow the player to say a little more in the story. The only thing I do different is I take the last line of the [OOC] dialog and make that my response button rather than using the default "Continue".

3: IntEx - Interior: This is a very simple map design. Story dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Skip Dialog".
-The "Map Transfer" dialog; consider changing "best sustainable speed" to read "best possible speed". That terminology is more in line with the nautical nature of Federation ship captains.

4: Barradas III - Space: This is a good map design. The dialog is very well written and the triggers are very clever. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point closer to the moon so the player doesn’t need to fly half way across the map to hide.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Skip Dialog".

5: Barradas III - Ground: This is an interesting map design with some simple fights. The story dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-For the initial dialog response button I would make the same recommendation from the "2: IntEx - Ground" map above.
-The ruins near the "first holoemitter frequency" location need to be reset on the terrain. Parts of the building are sticking out in midair.
-Consider changing the frequency scans to an actual scan interaction. Also consider moving them a little closer together. There seemed to be a lot of unnecessary running all over the map for little gain in the story.

6: Listening post - Interior: This is a good map design with good tough battles. The dialog is really well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

7: Barradas III - Space #2: The map design is good. The story dialog is very well written. The battle is good as well. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-For the initial dialog response button I would make the same recommendation from the "2: IntEx - Ground" and "5: Barradas III - Ground" maps above.

8: REDACTED - Space: This is a nice simple map design and the story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Skip Dialog".

9: Intel HQ - Interior: This is a good map design and the story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-For the initial dialog response button I would make the same recommendation from the "2: IntEx - Ground" and "5: Barradas III - Ground" maps above.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with the series so far and I’m looking forward to the next mission in the series.
Brian

This critique report also filed 02/04/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCC-89471 View Post
Ghosts of War, Part III (aka "Chasing Shadows") took longer to complete than either of the saga's first two installments - mainly because I wound up condensing the entire saga from eight parts to six, dropping the original Part IV altogether, and condensing Parts III and V into the Part III I just finished.

Anyway, here is the mission info for you, O Evil One.
Mission Name: Ghosts of War, Part III
Author: NCC-89471
Minimum Level: 35+ (note: the sudden level jump from Part II is because the saga is moving from Romulan into Cardassian space)
Allegiance: Starfleet
Project ID: ST-HLAJXIZUN
Estimated Mission Length: 30-45 min
Method of Report Delivery: Forum post
Tease: Part III is where it is finally revealed what the "Ghosts of War" title refers to. It also happens to be the biggest plot twist in the saga so far.
Federation Mission - Ghosts of War, Part III
Author: NCC-89471
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HLAJXIZUN

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This mission is a great sequel in the series. The map design is excellent and the battles are tough but fun. Your story dialogue is very detailed and well written. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great story combined with excellent maps and tough but fun battles.

I mention spawn and respawn points on a couple of the maps. The spawn point for a couple of the ground maps has the player materialize already in range of the enemy. This, of course, leads to the player taking damage before they can engage. It is really a challenge because if the player get’s “incapacitated” they can simply “respawn” and engage the enemy again immediately. As I indicated on the maps in question you should consider moving the spawn points or the enemy to give the player a little more room to engage. Speaking of respawn, the placement of these should be considered when the player is coming up against a powerful enemy force and placed to prevent the player from having to run all the way across the map to reengage. Otherwise the battles were a nice challenge.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description with just enough information to be intriguing. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "But as you pursue him across Alpha Quadrant" to read "But as you pursue him across the Alpha Quadrant".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue that serves the purpose of drawing the player into clicking “Accept”. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "In the wake of Admiral Youngs's death" to read "In the wake of Admiral Youngs' death".

Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task with a clear indication of the start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good us of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
1: REDACTED - Space: This is a good map design and the “optional” battles are good. There is no real story dialogue on this map. The presence of enemy units in “REDACTED - Space” means it cannot be that secret. Consider adding some story dialogue from “Snow” talking about the base location apparently being compromised by the enemy units. Then make the engagement of the enemy part of the mission to help keep the location classified, or something along those lines.

2: Intel HQ - Interior: This is a good map design with some great battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The note on the previous map regarding adding dialogue about the presence of the "Enemy" ships should also include an indication that the base has been boarded.
-Consider backing the enemy up around the corner to give the player a chance to engage.
-Consider changing the ship dialogue indicating that they “engaged” the enemy not eluded them.
-Consider placing a door on the command center that the player will open after the countdown. This causes the trigger of the enemy units inside the command center rather than a position trigger in the passageway which sometimes doesn’t work if you start out in the center of it. This would make that engagement flow better.

3: REDACTED - Space: This is a great map design. The story dialogue is excellent. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Hail the I.K.S. Cho'Qara" dialogue; consider changing "to deliver him to Kahless's side" to read "to deliver him to Kahless' side".

4: Leneka V - Space: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "mine" explosion referenced in the dialogue following the first "Continue through the debris field" task actually happens on the second "Continue through the debris field" task. It appears the dialogue is set to trigger after the wrong task.

5: Leneka V base - Interior: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point so the player isn’t getting shot before they finish materializing. As with the “Intel HQ - Interior” map, you should give the player a chance to engage and perhaps use tactics.
-You have at least one respawn point on the map already. Consider placing additional respawn points further into the map.
-The "Map Transfer" button text says "Go to Next Map". Consider changing it to read "..." or something related to the next map.

6: Leneka V base - Interior: This is a good map design and the battles are tough but not impossible.
-Consider adding an object that appears while the player is placing the charges.
-Consider making the enemy optional obstacles on the map, with the exception of the last engagement. They can still be in the locations where the player has to plant the charges but not a mission objective.
-You have at least one respawn point on the map already. Consider placing additional respawn points further into the map.

7: Leneka V - Space: This is a good map design and a good wrap up to this mission The story dialogue is well written with a nice wrap up battle. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with the story and map design for this sequel in the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next mission in the series.
Brian

No fooling, this critique report also filed 04/01/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 7
04-01-2012, 08:39 PM
Thanks for your review, O Evil One. Here are my responses to some of your points:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil70th
-Consider changing "In the wake of Admiral Youngs's death" to read "In the wake of Admiral Youngs' death".

[snip]

-The "Hail the I.K.S. Cho'Qara" dialogue; consider changing "to deliver him to Kahless's side" to read "to deliver him to Kahless' side".
You and I obviously had different English teachers. Mine always said to use the trailing 's' in singular possessive proper names even if they also end in 's'; only plural possessive nouns (common or proper) ending in 's' go without.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil70th
1: REDACTED - Space: This is a good map design and the “optional” battles are good. There is no real story dialogue on this map. The presence of enemy units in “REDACTED - Space” means it cannot be that secret. Consider adding some story dialogue from “Snow” talking about the base location apparently being compromised by the enemy units. Then make the engagement of the enemy part of the mission to help keep the location classified, or something along those lines.
The disposition of the base, and how it was compromised, is explained more in the dialog of Maps 2 and 3. Furthermore, the latter explanation also holds a key bit of plot-driving information. So, I can't really mess with that a great deal without rewriting the whole first half of the mission. What I can do is make a little clearer the fact that there should not be enemy units at the base location at the start.
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