Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 551
04-24-2012, 08:29 PM
Well, the challenge #2 is upon us so now I can finally release my mission for it.
You've already reviewed the Klingon companion mission 'A Klingon Ship Goes To War'

Now I'm wondering if you could review the main Fed mission.

Name: A Good Ship Goes To War
Author: sbcouto
Faction: Federation
Level: 41+

A distress call is sent with your name specifically asked for. When you reach the location of the distress call, you find yourself in a time-loop with only a human girl from the 21st century, hurt and lying beside a strange blue box of a ship, to help you.

This mission will be on once Wednesday April 25th officially hits my timezone.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 552
04-24-2012, 11:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SBCouto View Post
Well, the challenge #2 is upon us so now I can finally release my mission for it.
You've already reviewed the Klingon companion mission 'A Klingon Ship Goes To War'

Now I'm wondering if you could review the main Fed mission.

Name: A Good Ship Goes To War
Author: sbcouto
Faction: Federation
Level: 41+

A distress call is sent with your name specifically asked for. When you reach the location of the distress call, you find yourself in a time-loop with only a human girl from the 21st century, hurt and lying beside a strange blue box of a ship, to help you.

This mission will be on once Wednesday April 25th officially hits my timezone.
Thanks for the review request sbcouto. You are now 4th in the queue behind ajstoner. I just started a new class tonight and work has been pretty stressful lately. I hope to be able to relax and get started on the queue tomorrow night.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by tosmonkey
My second mission is also available. It's called "Facets 2- Question of Faith" and it is a sequel to "Facets 1- A Brief Diversion" which you reviewed for me last month.

Title: Facets 2- Question of Faith
ID: ST-H08WP2KUX
Faction: Fed
Min Level: any
Start Location: Chulan
Duration: ~ an hour
Thanks again for your feedback on part 1. Before I start working on Part 3 I'm going to go ahead and implement those changes to part 1.
Federation Mission - Facets 2 - Question of Faith
Author: tosmonkey
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-H08WP2KUX

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission with excellent map designs, a little fighting, and good story dialogue. Despite the spelling issues the story was riveting and I would still highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes great map design combined with a good story. The spelling issues can be distracting but overall it is a great mission and story.

Below I mentioned the use of “federation” vice “Federation” in areas of your dialogue. There are at least three separate times I saw this. I mention this because you switched between the two versions a number of times. It also happened with some of the other races in your dialogue so I thought I’d let you know that it is noticeable and may detract from the story.

The use of the response button “Continue”, I mention this not just because it is a pet peeve, especially when in response to a BOFF report, but also because you kept switching between “…” and “Continue”. I would recommend picking one and sticking with it throughout the mission. Of course I think you know I would recommend using “…” instead of “Continue”.

Your map design is excellent, but I wanted to suggest combining the Irridite Temple Grounds and the Heart of Chullagh maps into one so the player beams down and enters the temple after some of the optional dialogue along the way. While you did a great job in the design of both maps I felt it would flow a little better if you were able to combine them into one. Of course if you could find a way to add the Irridite Temple Grounds- Tomb of the Facets map too that would be a spectacular map design. This is just a suggestion to reduce map transfers and give the story a little easier flow, but as with other elements in this report it is a recommendation and is yours to do with as you see fit.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Go to Chulan in the Psi Velorm Sector Block" to read "Go to Chulan in the Psi Velorum Sector Block".

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Approaching Chulan System: This is a good map design using a good set of warp streaks. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Let's find out.Helm, ETA to Chulan" to read "Let’s find out. Helm, ETA to Chulan".

Lab Deck: Section 4- Planetary Sciences: This is a really good map design. The story dialogue is very well written and interesting. I was surprised how much I was drawn into the story. I liked the options you gave the player for dealing with different issues. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Go to Planetary Sciences Lab" dialogue; consider changing "Captian, we've just recieved a subspace message from starfleet" to read "Captain, we've just received a subspace message from Starfleet".
-The use of the response button “Continue”.
-The way the dialogue from Administrators Jung is written it appears that the young lady is referring to is a "Starfleet Lieutenant" and a male. It becomes clear within a few dialogue boxes but at first it appeared as if you had picked the wrong NPC contact. Consider looking over the initial dialogue from Jung and see if you can clarify it more rapidly.
-The Lieutenants dialogue is still available after talking to Jung. If possible make both triggered dialogue that makes the one disappear when the player selects the other.
-Consider changing the seat behind the desk. It looks a little out of place.
-The "Ilya Garcia" dialogue; consider changing "My thory was correct" to read "My theory was correct".
-The "Away Team Science BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "surveyed world in the federation database" to read "surveyed world in the Federation database".

Approaching Irrid: This is a good map design and I like your use of the warp streaks. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "I've prepared an away team Report on Irrid" to read "I've prepared an away team report on Irrid".
-Consider changing "Irrid is listed in federation databanks" to read "Irrid is listed in Federation databanks".
-Consider changing "The planet is rich in Iron, Bauxite, and" to read "The planet is rich in iron, bauxite, and".
-The use of “federation” vice “Federation”. I will discuss this in the summary.

Irrid Orbital Space: This is a great map design with a good battle. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Ship Science BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "The commander of the alien vessle isn't an Irridite" to read "The commander of the alien vessel isn't an Irridite".
-The use of the response button “Continue”.
-The "Ship Tactical BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "unwanted corners of the old Romulsn Empire" to read "unwanted corners of the old Romulan Empire".
-In the BOFF dialogue they refer to an "alien ship" but there is no ship visible on the map.
-The post "Scan Base" dialogue; consider changing "Vessles emerging" to read "Vessels emerging".
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "ferengi shields" to read "Ferengi shields".
-Consider changing "3 banks of klingon Mark II disrupter turrets" to read "Three banks of Klingon Mark II disruptor turrets".
-Consider changing "No vehicals" to read "No vehicles".
-Consider changing "Their satallites are limited" to read "Their satellites are limited".

Irridite Temple Grounds: This is a good map design. The optional story dialogue is very well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Irridite Priest" dialogue; consider changing "Protecters they say" to read "Protectors they say".

Heart of Chullagh: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Irridite priest on the ground is saying “The High Priest will hear your worlds”.

Irridite Temple Grounds- Tomb of the Facets: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button “Continue”.

Back in Orbit: This is a good map design and a nice wrap up to the mission. noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Message from starfleet" to read "Message from Starfleet".
-Consider changing "I've contected every world in the sector" to read "I've contacted every world in the sector".
-Consider changing "There are no Orion vessles" to read "There are no Orion vessels".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your missions in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 04/25/2012 on forum posting for: "A Brief Diversion"- My First Mission.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 554
04-25-2012, 09:57 PM
I've made all the spelling, capitalization, and continue corrections. I really suck at proofreading. I always seem to see what I think is there rather than what's actually there. I guess I need to stop being such a kid with a toy and write my dialogs in Word.

I tried like crazy to combine the temple interior and exterior maps, but I couldn't do it. Either the interior walls kept poking out the sides of the building or the multiple smaller wall units I needed to make them created visible seams.

I'll give it another crack when I have some time. I think the temple interior looks rather bland and needs more detail anyway. I'm hoping as I learn the tools some good decorative details will present themselves.

I'm currently reviewing the teaser (part 1) and implementing the changes you suggested to that mission as well.

Thanks Evil! I'm sure I speak for the entire community when I say you're one of STO's most valuable assets!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 555
04-26-2012, 03:30 AM
Hi Again,

I would like to request a review for my new mission. Thanks.

Author: Captain_Revo
Title: The Fire In Which We Burn
ID: ST-HEWWXAD89
Faction: Klingon
Min Level: Any
Start Location: Chos Nebula - Omega Leonis
Duration: 45 mins
Request made: Forums
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 556
04-26-2012, 05:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by tosmonkey
I've made all the spelling, capitalization, and continue corrections. I really suck at proofreading. I always seem to see what I think is there rather than what's actually there. I guess I need to stop being such a kid with a toy and write my dialogs in Word.
I know what you mean about seeing what you think is there. I've done that too. Complete a sentence in my head while typing it and when I go back later and read it again it is not what I thought I typed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tosmonkey
I tried like crazy to combine the temple interior and exterior maps, but I couldn't do it. Either the interior walls kept poking out the sides of the building or the multiple smaller wall units I needed to make them created visible seams.

I'll give it another crack when I have some time. I think the temple interior looks rather bland and needs more detail anyway. I'm hoping as I learn the tools some good decorative details will present themselves.
I know it can be hard to do but I think it would feel so much better if you can do it. Being able to combine maps helps make the story flow better without the pesky map transfer in between; however it is not always the easiest thing to pull off. Good luck with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tosmonkey
I'm currently reviewing the teaser (part 1) and implementing the changes you suggested to that mission as well.

Thanks Evil! I'm sure I speak for the entire community when I say you're one of STO's most valuable assets!
As always I'm glad I could help. Keep up the good work and thanks for authoring
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 557
04-26-2012, 05:20 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Captain_Revo
Hi Again,

I would like to request a review for my new mission. Thanks.

Author: Captain_Revo
Title: The Fire In Which We Burn
ID: ST-HEWWXAD89
Faction: Klingon
Min Level: Any
Start Location: Chos Nebula - Omega Leonis
Duration: 45 mins
Request made: Forums
Thanks for the review request Captain. You are currently 4th in the queue for review behind SBCouto. I plan to continue the reviews this evening if time permits. I’ll be performing a wedding on Saturday and have rehearsal tomorrow night so hopeful I’ll get through the current queue by Sunday.

Thanks for authoring
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by stargate525 View Post
I've got no idea how far backlogged on these you are, but I just made one I'd like some in-depth on...

It's called "Vessel Resurrection" (ST-HSRKHIPIZ) And I'd like feedback. Thank you!
Federation Mission - Vessel Resurrection
Author: stargate525
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HSRKHIPIZ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission. You did a good job designing the maps and I liked the option to avoid combat. The story dialogue is well written. I would recommend this mission to other players who like good map design combined with a good story.

Consider reworking the beginning interaction and dialogue with the “Academy Cadet” and going to a console at the academy to talk to the chief. The cadet seemed unnecessary to the story and having to go to the academy to then go to another planetary system just to get to the first custom map was a bit much. Consider dropping the cadet interaction at the academy and adding the Chief’s dialogue to follow the “Accept” button. This would allow the player to get right to the mission.

The use of the response button “Continue” is a pet peeve of mine, especially when in response to a BOFF report, but it felt random during some of the dialogue. Its use can be appropriate in certain circumstances, like reading a log entry or something along those lines. Even then I would recommend using “…” instead of “Continue”.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is good but consider adding a little more about the story to draw the player in and make them want to click “Hail”. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is good. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "a massive favor it you went" to read "a massive favor if you went".

Mission Task: Consider putting the location of the interaction outside of the first custom map in the initial mission tasks. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Bhea Graveyard: This is a good map design and I like the option to avoid combat. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button “Continue”. I noted it a couple of times on this map in places that didn’t feel right. Consider changing them to something more appropriate for the specific dialogue.
-The post "Reach Debris Field" dialogue; consider changing "Lietenant Traenor's data" to read "Chief Traenor's data", unless he was promoted, in which case it would be "Lieutenant Traenor's data". He was “Chief Traenor” when we spoke to him before.
-All other vessels buttons say “Scan Vessel” except the “USS New Chicago” which says “Scan Object”. Consider changing it to “Scan Vessel”.
-The post "Scan the USS New Chicago" dialogue; consider changing "Nausican" to Nausicaan" and "vulcan" to Vulcan".

Emerald Engineering: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button “Continue”.
-It seemed odd that one of the injectors would be in the passageway outside of engineering.
-There didn’t seem to be much repair activity going on. Consider changing some of the animations from “wandering” to some sort of interaction for the NPC on the deck.

Bhea Graveyard Post Ressurect: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written and a good wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name “Bhea Graveyard Post Ressurect” to read “Bhea Graveyard Post Resurrect”.
-Consider changing the ship name to the “USS Emerald” vice “Alien Cruiser”. I think that would seem less disrespectful to the memory of those who served on her, even though they are not real.
-For the trigger dialogue object consider changing it to a large invisible object and placing the spawn point closer to the USS Emerald so the player can see it better.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with this mission from the map design to the story dialogue and everywhere in between. I look forward to playing and reviewing the series that follows this one.
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 559
04-27-2012, 10:18 PM
Thank you so much Evil70th! I had a feeling on that first section... And the spelling is always good to quash and BURN WITH FIRE... *ahem*

ehe... working on the fixes now.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 560
04-27-2012, 11:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by stargate525 View Post
Thank you so much Evil70th! I had a feeling on that first section... And the spelling is always good to quash and BURN WITH FIRE... *ahem*

ehe... working on the fixes now.
Glad I could help. It is a fun mission.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
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