Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 651
05-20-2012, 07:05 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Digimstr View Post
Mission Name: Assault from Earth Part 1)
Author: Digimstr
Minimum Level: 16+ or above
Allegiance: Klingon
ST-HQS6JHXN5
Estimated Mission Length: 30 to 60 min
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Postl

Can Information: The Federation has made a fateful decision, to try and remove the Klingon Defense Force from the galaxy. You are needed to defend the homeworld and find the reason for this sudden and very deadly game.
Find the answers to this before the whole quadrant ignites into a free for all war that will leave very little for the races left behind.

Has both Ground and Space.

Have implemented what fleet suggested but as none are authors would appreciate a look from you.

Starbase UGC recommended you for a valid no nonsense review.

Thank you ahead of time
Digimstr
Hi Digimstr,

Thanks for the review request. You are now 2nd in the queue behind Captwannabe. I am starting that mission here shortly and will roll into yours right after that, so I should be done with yours later this afternoon.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 652
05-20-2012, 07:23 AM
Hi. I have two missions I like to have reviewed.


Mission Name: Borg Blitz
Author: PuppetX
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Klingon
ST-HOS2KY4WS
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hour
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

Mission text: "The Borg presence in the T'Kanis nebula is a well known thorn in the side of the Klingon Empire, but things are about to get a whole lot worse. Borg numbers have suddenly greatly increased, and a full blown invasion of the Omega Leonis sector is imminent. Even the Federation is feeling the threat. Things are looking dire, but is this really a no win situation?"


and

Mission Name: Outpost Gaia
Author: PuppetX
Minimum Level: 1+
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HNMCGZL2C
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hour
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

Mission text: "Recently installed Space Station Gaia, in orbit around the mineral-rich Class-L blizzard planet Blitz 2230 B, has detected a large incoming fleet of primitive ships from unknown origin, headed straight for the Blitz 2230 system.
Understaffed and certainly underequipped for any possible confrontations, the Gaia station asks you to take charge of the situation."



Gaia was my first Foundry experiment, Borg Blitz my fourth and second complete mission to be actually published.


I aim to make more missions in the future, so I'd like to know if I'm not completely wasting my time
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Brian,

First let me thank you for taking the time to review my little mission and giving me some great feed back. I will go back and make the changes you suggested and I might even add a thing or three.

This was my first go at making a mission in the Foundry, and I've learned a bit since i finished this mission. Little things like, how to do branching dialogs for one Opened up a whole new world.

Thank you again,

Roger
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 654
05-20-2012, 11:43 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cerberus32
Brian,

First let me thank you for taking the time to review my little mission and giving me some great feed back. I will go back and make the changes you suggested and I might even add a thing or three.

This was my first go at making a mission in the Foundry, and I've learned a bit since i finished this mission. Little things like, how to do branching dialogs for one Opened up a whole new world.

Thank you again,

Roger
Thanks for submitting the mission for review. We all learn from each other how to improve our work. I have learned a lot from my reviews and from constructive feedback. My goal here is to provide that constructive feedback to the author.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Captwannabe
Talking Is Deadly!


By Captwannabe
Any Level

Mix Of Space/ground Combat And Hopefully A Good Story
1st Map

Thanks!!
Federation Mission - Talking Is Deadly
Author: Captwannabe
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFR2WCDM8

----------Report Start Part 1-----------

Summary: This is a great concept for a mission but needs some work on the story dialogue. There are some points in the story dialogue where the story does not flow in a logical progression. There are places where it felt as if the player knew some element to the story that had actually not been included in any of the dialogue. For example, on the “Piros Ground 1” map the player now has "Scan Manuscripts" task and despite the tasking on the “Echo 1 Ground” map there was no follow on dialogue that indicated the player needed to find more pieces of the manuscript. These types of issues are relatively easy to miss but equally easy to fix. Just place yourself in the player’s shoes and see how the dialogue flows. You need to ensure that elements like this are included in the dialogue. I figured out what was going on soon after the arrival on the “Piros Ground 1” map but with no other dialogue leading in that direction it was slightly confusing. When I develop a mission I usually start off writing a script in Word and then as I get into it I go to the Foundry and start building the maps and interactions to make sure I can have elements that match the story. Then I try to write the story in a manner that gives the player the information that they need to proceed to the next story point. I will read through my dialogue over and over to make sure it flows. If you take nothing else from this report remember that attention to the details will make or break a mission.

One last smaller item to consider is placing optional dialogue or interactions on maps. This can be accomplished using objects, which you already appear to be doing with regular storyline elements like the “Manuscripts” that trigger when the player goes near them. I would encourage you to use these same methods to create non-storyline elements for the player to interact with. This allows you to add optional dialogue or interactions that once the player reads or interacts with them they will go away. There are several great tutorials regarding this and many other Foundry tutorials on Starbase UGC.

Please do not let this review get you down but rather use it as a means to improve your story and make your mission a better one. There are lots of great authors here and Starbase UGC who are always willing to give constructive feedback that will help you develop good mission and tell the story you want to tell. There are some great ways to work around some of the limitations of the Foundry use some of those limitations to your advantage. In the end helping you improve your missions makes the STO community a richer environment to play in, which is my goal with these reviews.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description needs a little more story to it. Your goal with the description is to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant mission dialogue, like the description needs a little more story to it. You want to reach out, grab the attention of the player, and draw them into your story right away. This will make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Proceed to the Vulcan System and Await Orders. StarFleet out[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Proceed to the Vulcan System and await orders. Starfleet out[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider removing the post "Accept" dialogue that repeats the grant mission dialogue.

Mission Task: You need to add the start location of the first custom map to the initial mission task to include the sector block. This will ensure the player can play your mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "We have arrived at the Vulcan System as Ordered" to read "We have arrived at the Vulcan System as ordered".
-Consider changing "Should we Proceed Sir" to read "Should we proceed sir".

MAPS:
Vulcan 1: This is a nice simple map design. The story dialogue is intriguing but needs a little more story to it. The player needs to be drawn into the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are several places with what appears to be random capitalization of words throughout the dialogue to this point. For example, "StarFleet has been getting Reports of Incidents in Nearby Systems", which should read "Starfleet has been getting reports of incidents in nearby systems".
-Consider changing "Some have been logged as Accidents, Dementia...even in a few cases Death" to read "Some have been logged as accidents, dementia...even in a few cases death".
-Consider changing "With the Continuing Klingon War and The Borg Incursions, are hands are tied" to read "With the continuing Klingon war and the Borg incursions, are hands are tied".
-Consider changing "We are giving you unprecedented Authority Here" to read "We are giving you unprecedented authority here".
-Consider changing "StarFleet isn't Clear if these incidents are coincidence or not" to read "Starfleet isn't clear if these incidents are coincidence or not".
-Consider changing "Find out the cause of these Incidents. And make sure there is No Threat to the Federation" to read "Find out the cause of these incidents and make sure there is no threat to the Federation".
-Consider changing "We are Stretched thin" to read "We are stretched thin".
-From this point forward I will note the maps with dialogue that contains this issue.

A Summer’s Day!: This map is a nice design but seems to be unnecessary to the story. The player enters the map, approaches the planet and two single sentence dialogues later is changing maps again. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Random capitalization.
-Consider changing “[Rank] , We are being hailed by the Echo Dig Site. . .Ms Summers” to read “[Rank], we are being hailed by the Echo dig site, Ms. Summers”.
-Consider changing “[Rank] [LastName] ,” to read “[Rank] [LastName],”.

---------End Report Part 1----------
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Captwannabe
Talking Is Deadly!


By Captwannabe
Any Level

Mix Of Space/ground Combat And Hopefully A Good Story
1st Map

Thanks!!
Federation Mission - Talking Is Deadly
Author: Captwannabe
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFR2WCDM8

----------Report Start Part 2-----------

Echo 1 Ground: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is very intriguing. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Random capitalization.
-The "Archeologist Summers" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [LastName] , I am Glad that you have come" to read "[Rank] [LastName], I am glad that you have come".
-Consider moving the “[MissionInfo]Scan 4 Manuscript Artifacts[/MissionInfo]” dialogue ath the end of the "Archeologist Summers" dialogue to the end of the "Lab Assistant Gray" dialogue. It would make more sense there since that task does not become available until that moment.
-The "Conrad Bennett" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] , Well as Ms Summers" to read "[Rank], well as Ms. Summers".
-Consider changing "complained of Headaces and Nausea" to read "complained of headaches and nausea".
-Consider changing "stuff for the Headaces and let them rest" to read "stuff for the headaches and let them rest".
-The "Lab Assistant Gray" dialogue; consider changing "Hello , [Rank] ." to read "Hello, [Rank]."
-Consider changing "Yes , I was in shear terror" to read "Yes, I was in sheer terror".
-Consider changing "Thank you [Rank] , I'll try" to read "Thank you [Rank], I'll try".
-Consider changing "No , no it was like" to read "No, no it was like".
-The post "Scan all 4 Artifacts" dialogue; consider moving the "[MissionInfo]Report Back to Scientists Summers[/MissionInfo]" to the end of this entire dialogue string.
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Report Back to Scientists Summers[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Report back to Archeologist Summers[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing "[Rank] , When we scanned" to read "[Rank], when we scanned".
-Consider changing the response button "interesting" to read "Interesting".
-Having the player run back and forth across the map to do tasks can be annoying. Consider breaking up the "Scan all 4 Artifacts" task into separate tasks with dialogue from the Away Team BOFF's indicating the "Flora".
-The post "Scan all 4 Artifacts" tasks is "Scan Flora" followed by another task "Report to Summers again". The player is never tasked with reporting to Summers in between the "Scan all 4 Artifacts" and "Scan Flora" tasks.
-The "Report to Summers again" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] , We have a Sitauation Here" to read "[Rank], we have a sitauation here".
-Consider changing "We had some Klingon Ships enter the system" to read "Klingon ships have entered the system".
-Consider changing "They have armed Weapons And Demanded to Speak with The [ untranslatable] Federation Dog Who is making weapons" to read "They have armed weapons and demanded to speak with the [untranslatable] Federation dog making weapons".
-Plot point; there was no resolution to the issue of the other researchers being sick.

Summer's Nightmare!: This is a nice map design with a very tough battle. The story dialogue is very intriguing. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle is very tough and needs to be balanced a little better. Placing two enemy squadrons within in range of the player spawn point is a little too much. Consider spreading them out a little more and give the player more of a chance. I would not want to play this map on Elite level.
-Random capitalization.
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] , the area shows clear of Enemy Ships" to read "[Rank], the area is clear of enemy ships".
-Consider changing "Thank you for Defending the Dig Site [Rank] !" to read "Thank you for defending the dig site [Rank]!"
-Consider changing "Though I don't how they got any information about our Dig" to read "Though I don't know how they got any information about our dig".
-The post response button "You're welcome" that states "Be careful who knows what you'll find" should read "Be careful, who knows what you'll find". However the dialogue itself seems out of place as nothing in this dialogue or the previous dialogue sets up that line.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Warp to Piros [Rank] ?" to read "Warp to Piros [Rank]?". From this point forward I will only note this as an issue in the dialogue.

New Piros Map1: This map is a nice design but seems to be unnecessary to the story. The player enters the map, approaches the planet and is changing maps again with no other dialogue. Consider adding more story elements to this map or combine it with another map. You could add communications with Baruk on the planet prior to beaming down.

Piros Ground 1: This is a nice map design. The story dialogue is intriguing but needs some work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The mission task says "Speak to Baruk" and the button says "Talk to Archeologist Boma".
-Random capitalization.
-Check dialogue for spaces in between [Rank], or [LastName], or words, and punctuation.
-Consider changing "Some of our Colleagues sick and are wandering away from the Site" to read "Some of our colleagues are sick and keep wandering away from the site".
-Consider removing the post “Speak with Baruk” dialogue with Boma telling the player to speak with Methias. It seems unnecessary to the story, especially when it comes right after the player just spoke to him and he asked us to speak with Methias.
-There was no direction from Boma to scan manuscripts but that is now a task. There is also no dialogue from Ms. Summers on the previous maps that directs the player to scan manuscripts on Piros, so this task does not seem to fit.
-I can see the objects that trigger the scan of the manuscripts floating in the ground next to the markers. Consider using a smaller object like a bottle that is set to Y axis -.05 as I have found it works better.
-Having the player run back and forth across the map to do tasks can be annoying. Consider breaking up the "Scan Manuscripts" task into separate tasks with dialogue from the Away Team BOFF's following each one.
-The plant appearing post “Methias” dialogue seems odd.
-The post "Scan Flora" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] , These Flora" to read "[Rank], these flora".
-The second "Methias" dialogue; consider changing "I was even ready to us Trellium D" to read "I was even ready to use Trellium D".
-The Away Team BOFF dialogue at the end of the "Methias" dialogue seemed random and was a little confusing". Consider moving it up into the dialogue with Methias where it would've made more sense.
-The mission task states "Speak to CHI'ROM" and the button says "Talk to Chief Tech". Consider changing the button to say "Talk to Chief CHI'ROM".
-The "CHI'ROM" dialogue; the NPC introduces himself as "Chief CH'ROM".
-Consider changing "Good [Rank], We may be in need of StarFleet services besides Medical needs" to read "Good [Rank], we may be in need of Starfleet services other than medical assistance".
-The CHI'ROM NPC makes reference to "Baruk" who earlier showed up named "Boma".
-There is a response button where the player calls him "CHi'ROM".
-The player response button mentions "Baruk" who earlier showed up named "Boma".

Piros Cavern 1: This is a nice map design with some fun battles. The story dialogue is intriguing but needs some work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Plot point; at no point on the previous map does “CHI’ROM” mention that there are other people in the caverns. Yet when the player arrives in the cavern they are tasked with speaking to people. Consider adding dialogue to the previous map from CHI’ROM indicating there are still people in the caverns or something to that affect.
-There is an "Archeologist aid" NPC with his head buried in the dirt to the left of the player spawn position.
-Plot point; it seems odd that there are other NPC’s in the initial cavern where the player spawns and they are obviously in various states of pain or are scared and the player has no option to interact with them. Consider putting in optional dialogue or interaction using hidden objects so if the player goes near the NPC they can “Scan” them or “Talk” to them, and then the dialogue does not have to be part of the story line and will disappear after the player interacts.
-The mission task is "Speak to Ta'LeL" but the button says "Talk to Staff". Also he keeps standing up and sitting down.
-Check dialogue for spaces in between [Rank], or [LastName], or words, and punctuation.
-The response button refers to "Baruk". There have been several of these throughout the story so I will assume the initial character on the “Piros Ground 1” map was supposed to be named “Baruk” vice “Boma”. I will no longer note this issue on the maps but will address this issue with others in the summary.
-Having the player run back and forth across the map to do tasks can be annoying. Consider moving all elements of this map into the same room including the initial spawn point. It feels unnecessary to have to run back and forth. This would also clear up the issue I mention at the beginning of the map with the NPC’s in the first cavern and no interaction is available with them. In addition to this you have the enemy engagement which is again on the other side of the map.
-The "Dying" NPC is visible while "Scan Burnt Manuscripts" task is underway. It feels odd that none of the BOFF's mention her at all either prior to caring out this task or during it.
-The mission tasks states "Speak to Logos" and the button states "Talk to Dying".
-Consider changing the response button "true very true" to read "True, very true".

---------End Report Part 2----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. For a first mission this is a great start. I hope this review will help you make it even better. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 657
05-20-2012, 12:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppetX
Hi. I have two missions I like to have reviewed.


Mission Name: Borg Blitz
Author: PuppetX
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Klingon
ST-HOS2KY4WS
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hour
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

Mission text: "The Borg presence in the T'Kanis nebula is a well known thorn in the side of the Klingon Empire, but things are about to get a whole lot worse. Borg numbers have suddenly greatly increased, and a full blown invasion of the Omega Leonis sector is imminent. Even the Federation is feeling the threat. Things are looking dire, but is this really a no win situation?"


and

Mission Name: Outpost Gaia
Author: PuppetX
Minimum Level: 1+
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HNMCGZL2C
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hour
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

Mission text: "Recently installed Space Station Gaia, in orbit around the mineral-rich Class-L blizzard planet Blitz 2230 B, has detected a large incoming fleet of primitive ships from unknown origin, headed straight for the Blitz 2230 system.
Understaffed and certainly underequipped for any possible confrontations, the Gaia station asks you to take charge of the situation."



Gaia was my first Foundry experiment, Borg Blitz my fourth and second complete mission to be actually published.


I aim to make more missions in the future, so I'd like to know if I'm not completely wasting my time
Hi PuppetX,

Thanks for the review request. Your missions are 2nd and 3rd in the queue behind Digimstr. I hope to get to his mission tonight and your two missions sometime this week.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 658
05-20-2012, 02:20 PM
Thanks Evil70th!

I was actually super surprised by that report. Glad you enjoyed playing through it.

As far as the name of the maps go… I’m not sure. Haha. I hit the limit on number of maps allowed so certain elements of the story had to be reworked and tweaked to logically fit into the provided “space.” So, without popping back into foundry, I believe the reason for those names came from hitting that map limit and making maps to see which I liked better/felt better for elements of the story and so map names became very generic as I toyed with it to decide where specific elements fell.

I’ll look into those map names and see about making them a bit better.

Thanks again for the review and work you do.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 659
05-20-2012, 02:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewey001 View Post
Thanks Evil70th!

I was actually super surprised by that report. Glad you enjoyed playing through it.

As far as the name of the maps go… I’m not sure. Haha. I hit the limit on number of maps allowed so certain elements of the story had to be reworked and tweaked to logically fit into the provided “space.” So, without popping back into foundry, I believe the reason for those names came from hitting that map limit and making maps to see which I liked better/felt better for elements of the story and so map names became very generic as I toyed with it to decide where specific elements fell.

I’ll look into those map names and see about making them a bit better.

Thanks again for the review and work you do.
The mission was a lot of fun. Keep up the good work. I'm spending some of my time working on new projects too. I’ve just started writing the script for a new mission. We’ll see where that goes.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 660
05-21-2012, 02:52 PM
Not sure if you do Klingon missions Evil70th, but here's my latest if you do:

Mission Name: Raktajino in a Jar
Author: drogyn1701
Level: 16+
Start: Ganalda System, Eta Eridani Sector Block

Summary: Taking a Ferengi captain's stash of gold-pressed latinum sounds like great idea, right? Think again! Accused of murder most foul, you must navigate treacherous females, the Ferengi legal system and the psychotic filled prison to get free of the mess you created.
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:11 AM.