Ensign
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 19
# 31
08-29-2012, 01:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by danqueller View Post
Hmm...not to be critical, but I was under the impression a 'single entry' implied a single forum post. Part of the challenge for myself was distilling what could have filled several pages into an descriptive text that didn't occupy more than that. However, the part about 'write as little or as much as you want' does sound like you could fill twenty pages of the Forums and label it a 'single entry'.

The important part is the sharing of backstories, though, and I think you did that
Actually, my entry was condensed. There is a lot more to many of these characters, and two officers were actually omitted. Hard to consolidate years of work and still get a feel for the characters involved for me.

The topic question is rather broad since my series is in full swing with about 12 different characters just on one ship alone. I try to do one post at a time, but sometimes it takes more than that when there's something I want to convey.
Commander
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 406
# 32
08-30-2012, 10:06 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by wraithshadow13 View Post
I finally posted my story, but it feels like it's missing something. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Well, understand that I'm posting this as constructive input, not to tear down what you put up. It's your post, and you can take or drop anything I say as much or as little as you like.

Some things you might consider though:

Your post has alot of text in big, long blocks that hits the eye and makes the reader have to work a bit to read it. The classic 'wall of text' effect that is easy to run into. As a suggestion, you may want to break up the introduction block into several paragraphs to make the actual character descriptions stand out better, and ease the reader into the meat of the entry. The use of italics to highlight emphasis in a word or the name of a ship could also help, though that depends on if you have any words you want to make emotionally strong. I would also suggest each character receive their own paragraph unless they are so linked that you would never encounter one without the other (married, clones, or just members of the Collective).

I noticed you like to work with many short sentences. The thing to remember is that every period is a stop sign the reader has to 'put on the breaks' at, so applying so many in a short period of time can leave the reader feel as though they are in rush-hour traffic (alot of starts and stops). What you may try is to restructure your narrative so that several sentences could be linked into a single, longer one before a short sentence. This not only lets the reader move throught the text easier, it makes the short sentences stand out more and have more emphasis.

As far as content, that's your concept and you can decide if it is what you wanted. I will say that your Officers seem exemplarary and without any real faults or cracks in their characters. As this is a personal account from the Captain, that is perfectly possible as people tend to overlook the little faults in their friends or co-workers when talking to those outside their circle, and it may well be that these really -are- Starfleet's Finest. If so, then no worries. If, on the other hand, you see them as 'mortal humans', then maybe what you are sensing missing is the things that -aren't- perfect in them, that help define them from the model Officer presented in the Academy textbooks. Not all of them have to have obvious faults, but for none of them to have noteworthy ones would probably be very unusual in any crew. And, of course, it could just be that I didn't pick up on the faults that were there (I'm only human and make mistakes too).

Again, these are all feedback and suggestions, not judgement or a desire to break down what you want to build. Take what you like and use it, and discard the rest if it doesn't help you in telling the story you want to, the way you want to.

Very good read, by the way!

Last edited by danqueller; 08-30-2012 at 10:14 AM.
Commander
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 359
# 33
08-31-2012, 11:04 AM
I confess, I cheated just a bit - I already had the content of this post written up. I've been meaning to do the same for all of my captains, but only have one other's done... and since we're supposed to only do one entry each, I'll save that for another time.

(On the other hand, it means I can actually post something in this round, while in at least two others, I had an idea but didn't manage to get the writing done in time.)

I'm proud of my officers, and I hope you find my writeups of them worth reading.
Join Date: January 2011
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,063
# 34
09-04-2012, 10:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by danqueller View Post
Take what you like and use it, and discard the rest if it doesn't help you in telling the story you want to, the way you want to.

Very good read, by the way!
Ha, no worries there, this is the kind of thing i was asking for. I know i can be creative but it's the technical aspect of writing i have the issues with. Although in all fairness i do use italics, but it just refuses to copy over to the forum and i'm too lazy to go through and redo it. As for some of the other stuff i found that you're right, but at the same time i didn't want to go over a single post. Just not my thing. So with out knowing the actual post limit i try to keep it short, often sacrificing spacing and content like the characters getting their own paragraphs and wall of text. Although one thing i wasn't able to convey was that the Captain was on some kind of medication at the time and i didn't really think to convey that clearly at the time, but it would have explained the rambling sense of it. But again, as i said, you were right about a lot of stuff, yet at the same time you didn't come across negative about it which i really appreciate so thank you again.
Former PWE Community Team Lead
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 9,046
# 35
09-04-2012, 05:18 PM
Loved the discussion and feedback you all were providing this round. Bravo!

I am going to unsticky this thread as I prepare to post up the next challenge, but feel free to continue discussing

Cheers,

Brandon =/\=
Brandon "BranFlakes" Felczer | Former Community Team Lead for Perfect World Entertainment
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