Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,822
# 1 Jokes
12-06-2012, 07:54 AM
The title says it all. Share some jokes you found funny (no profanity, please) with the rest of the community!

Here, I'll start it off with a bit of a scientific touch.

A polar bear falls off an iceberg into water. He starts screaming for help. He is soon approached by a (insert animal name here), who says "Why would you need help? You're a polar bear! You can swim!" The bear replies "You're missing the point! I'm DISSOLVING!"

P.S. First one to figure out the joke I wrote and explain it satisfactorily gets a dilithium cookie. If the explanation's correct.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, lovely, I can't even requote the Douglas Adams quote I used to have here I WANT IT BACK!!!!
Dalo Lorn
DaloLorn, StarCraft 2 Roleplayer and proud of it.
Empire Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,116
# 2
12-06-2012, 08:06 AM
As I'm easy to ammuse, I prefer short and simple jokes, one liners and the like.

Some of my favourites are wordplay jokes from English comedian Jimmy Carr and are as follows.

Venison's, dear isn't it?
Stationary shop moves.
Dwarf shortage.

As for the Polar bear, it's either a global warming thing or a joke about the mint with the Polar Bear.
Man is a gaming animal. He must always be trying to get the better in something or other.
Warning, this poster tends to talk nonsensically when caffine levels fall below 80%.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 11,009
# 3
12-06-2012, 08:47 AM
No, the joke has to deal with Ionic Bonding. Ionic Bonds tend to be water soluble, and thusly things with Ionic Bonds dissolve in water. The most common, and well known Ionic Bond is between Sodium (Na) and Chlorine (Cl) forming what is better known as Table Salt (NaCl). And as you well know, Salt dissolves in water.

Ionic Bonding is also called Polar Bonding. Hardy har har... So yeah. Bad chemistry pun.

In order to lighten the mood after that chemistry lesson, cause learning is boring, but hey, at least you learned something, I shall share with you 90 jokes.

This is, the 90 things that never happened in Star Trek.
  1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
  2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
  3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
  4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
  5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
  6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
  7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
  8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
  9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
  10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
  11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
  12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, sting, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
  13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
  14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
  15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
  16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
  17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
  18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day
  19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
  20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
  21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
  22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
  23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
  24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
  25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
  26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
  27. When Worf tells the bride officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
  28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
  29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
  30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarty pants, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
  31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful
  32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
  33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
  34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
  35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
  36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
  37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
  38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
  39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
  40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
  41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
  42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
  43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
  44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics
  45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc.!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
  46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.
  47. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
  48. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people and decides to blow it off and go fishing.
  49. Commander Riker and Geordi decide to pull a practical joke on Wesley and beam him into the women's gymnasium shower room.
  50. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, and gets hopelessly lost in the wrong star system.
  51. The crew of the Next Generation sit around for an entire episode and watch reruns of the original Star Trek.
  52. Data gets too close to a hair-dryer and spends an entire episode walking around flashing a well known Vulcan hand sign and saying "live long and prosper".
  53. The Enterprise crew is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which puts them in a galactic cubby hole and forgets about them.
  54. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without his luggage.
  55. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to be destroyed because it is the wrong polarity.
  56. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. The part however has not been available for 200 years.
  57. Over a period of two months, the entire crew of the Enterprise become infected with genital warts.
  58. The Enterprise encounters a vastly inferior alien intelligence, which they spend an entire episode belittling and embarrassing.
  59. The Enterprise breaks down in deep space and has to be towed back to a star base by a garbage scow.
  60. Guinan reveals that on her home planet, all she ever did was work at a McDonalds.
  61. The Enterprise develops a bad case of 'space rust' and spends most of an episode at dry-dock with painters wondering how to get the paint to dry in outer space.
  62. Captain Picard walks off the job for most of an episode in a dispute over vacation and medical benefits.
  63. Dr. Crusher receives a letter lost in the mail for 15 years from her late husband telling her he has been having an affair and is leaving her.
  64. The warp engines start acting up a bit, and Geordi gets blown to bits when he drops his visor in an engine while fixing it.
  65. Wesley Crusher goes on a weekend jaunt with 'The Traveler' and comes back 40 years older.
  66. Counselor Troi tells Worf that he really is an evil rotten person deep inside.
  67. Data falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and stays behind to get married and raise a family.
  68. Scotty anticipates the situation and has everything working at peak performance before it is needed.
  69. While walking down a corridor, one of the crew remarks, "I think we're lost. These corridors all look the same."
  70. The Enterprise decides to leave a dangerous sector before there are signs of danger.
  71. Picard visits the sickbay and requests the cure for baldness.
  72. After meeting the hostile inhabitants of a planet, the Away-Team's phasers are more then adequate for their defense.
  73. A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.
  74. A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.
  75. McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all."
  76. The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
  77. Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.
  78. Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.
  79. Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."
  80. Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.
  81. A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."
  82. Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.
  83. An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.
  84. Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.
  85. Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.
  86. The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.
  87. A major character dies and isn't resurrected.
  88. The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.
  89. Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.
  90. McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."
http://i1151.photobucket.com/albums/o633/centersolace/189cux9khvl6ojpg_zpsca7ccff0.jpg

So inhumane superweapons, mass murder, and canon nonsense is okay, but speedos are too much for some people.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,822
# 4
12-06-2012, 10:06 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by centersolace View Post
No, the joke has to deal with Ionic Bonding. Ionic Bonds tend to be water soluble, and thusly things with Ionic Bonds dissolve in water. The most common, and well known Ionic Bond is between Sodium (Na) and Chlorine (Cl) forming what is better known as Table Salt (NaCl). And as you well know, Salt dissolves in water.

Ionic Bonding is also called Polar Bonding. Hardy har har... So yeah. Bad chemistry pun.

In order to lighten the mood after that chemistry lesson, cause learning is boring, but hey, at least you learned something, I shall share with you 90 jokes.

This is, the 90 things that never happened in Star Trek.
I heard it in school today and decided I wanted to share. That's how the thread was born.

The 90 things that mostly failed to make me laugh, but weren't bad anyways.

I liked the scientific ones the most. (like enigmatic beings being the wrong polarity, 24th century fuse, and so on) But yeah, you guessed the nature of my joke. You get a dilithium cookie!

Edit: The 91st thing that never happened in Star Trek:

An omnipotent being was sentenced to whatever by other omnipotent beings, but was able to prevent it because of his own omnipotent nature.

Seriously, isn't that a little weird? Don't they know the meaning of the word "omnipotent"?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, lovely, I can't even requote the Douglas Adams quote I used to have here I WANT IT BACK!!!!
Dalo Lorn
DaloLorn, StarCraft 2 Roleplayer and proud of it.

Last edited by dalolorn; 12-06-2012 at 10:10 AM.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,822
# 5
12-08-2012, 09:39 AM
Well... this thread didn't go well...

How do you read a book without your eyes?

Why, with Borg nanites, of course!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, lovely, I can't even requote the Douglas Adams quote I used to have here I WANT IT BACK!!!!
Dalo Lorn
DaloLorn, StarCraft 2 Roleplayer and proud of it.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,378
# 6
12-08-2012, 01:01 PM
Two guys walk into a bar. One says "I'd like some H20." The other guy says "I'd like some H20, too."

I'll add on my own Voyager things to the list:

92. Captain Janeway can go a whole season without contemplating/attempting to destroy Voyager.
93. Voyager fires a phaser at least once per battle.
94. Voyager's inertial dampers stay on in a battle.
95. Neelix class Tuvok by his actual name instead of Mr. Vulcan.
96. The crew beams down to an alien planet and can't bypass the security protocols.
97. Seven of Nine finally finishes typing away on her alcove console.
98. Janeway sets the two tricobalt devices to an automated explosion and then uses the Caretaker's array to go back to the Alpha Quadrant before they blow up.
99. The Voyager crew finds a new species that isn't xenophobic/doesn't threaten/doesn't try to kill them.
100. Voyager doesn't fire more torpedoes than it's supposed to carry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ramming Speed at its finest.
[Combat (Self)] Your Ramming Speed III deals 158125 (201492) Kinetic Damage(Critical) to [Player's Scimitar].
The Great Risian Witch Hunt - a random five minute foundry mission!
Check out my STO Youtube channel!
Why are you hovering over my signature? Play my foundry missions! :-)

Last edited by voporak; 12-08-2012 at 01:24 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,822
# 7
12-09-2012, 02:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by voporak View Post
Two guys walk into a bar. One says "I'd like some H20." The other guy says "I'd like some H20, too."

I'll add on my own Voyager things to the list:

92. Captain Janeway can go a whole season without contemplating/attempting to destroy Voyager.
93. Voyager fires a phaser at least once per battle.
94. Voyager's inertial dampers stay on in a battle.
95. Neelix class Tuvok by his actual name instead of Mr. Vulcan.
96. The crew beams down to an alien planet and can't bypass the security protocols.
97. Seven of Nine finally finishes typing away on her alcove console.
98. Janeway sets the two tricobalt devices to an automated explosion and then uses the Caretaker's array to go back to the Alpha Quadrant before they blow up.
99. The Voyager crew finds a new species that isn't xenophobic/doesn't threaten/doesn't try to kill them.
100. Voyager doesn't fire more torpedoes than it's supposed to carry.
I did not get that one at all. Also, it's H2O.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, lovely, I can't even requote the Douglas Adams quote I used to have here I WANT IT BACK!!!!
Dalo Lorn
DaloLorn, StarCraft 2 Roleplayer and proud of it.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,378
# 8
12-09-2012, 07:28 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by dalolorn View Post
I did not get that one at all. Also, it's H2O.
Sorry about the spelling error, I didn't even realize that til you said it. H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. (H2O, too - get it?)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ramming Speed at its finest.
[Combat (Self)] Your Ramming Speed III deals 158125 (201492) Kinetic Damage(Critical) to [Player's Scimitar].
The Great Risian Witch Hunt - a random five minute foundry mission!
Check out my STO Youtube channel!
Why are you hovering over my signature? Play my foundry missions! :-)
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
# 9
12-09-2012, 07:53 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by voporak View Post
Two guys walk into a bar. One says "I'd like some H20." The other guy says "I'd like some H20, too."
[/b]
You got that wrong, it goes like this. Two guys walk into a bar. One says "I'd like some H20." The other guy says "I'd like some H20, too. The second guy dies.
H20, too = "H202"
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,822
# 10
12-09-2012, 08:45 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by voporak View Post
Sorry about the spelling error, I didn't even realize that til you said it. H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. (H2O, too - get it?)
Lol.

How do Vulcans listen to people if they were born without ears?

They perform a mind meld!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, lovely, I can't even requote the Douglas Adams quote I used to have here I WANT IT BACK!!!!
Dalo Lorn
DaloLorn, StarCraft 2 Roleplayer and proud of it.
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:30 AM.