Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 847
# 461
12-26-2012, 07:37 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by zorbane View Post
Whoa those are a couple embarrassing mistakes (especially the dialogue one) Thanks for finding them!
As always, glad I could help.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 847
Quote:
Originally Posted by zorbane View Post
Hey evil70th,

I asked for a review earlier but pulled it but my missions are now up and ready.

Mission Name: The Galaxy's Fair
Author: @Zorbane
Minimum Level: Any level
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIL8TIJ29
Estimated Mission Length: 20-30minutes
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

Duritanium Man comes first.

As always :Thanks!
Federation Mission - The Galaxy's Fair
Author: Zorbane
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIL8TIJ29

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great non-combat mission with excellent story dialogue. The interactive stories are well done and interesting. I like several of the jokes buried in the dialogue that I found pretty funny. There are several individual stories in this mission that have the potential to become great stand alone stories. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like well written stories.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Convention Centre: This is a good map design with several interactive stories throughout. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are at least two NPCs standing away from consoles they are typing on. They appear to be typing in mid air.
-The transgate is gone but the strange aliens from the portal are still present following the hole being blasted in the deck.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a good mission and I enjoyed not having someone shooting at me. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 847
Quote:
Originally Posted by diogene0 View Post
Hey Evil70th, I hope you're doing well.

I'd like you to review a mission I've completely revamped. You have already reviewed it but i've made many changes (i removed maps, npcs, added some dialogs, and I did a lot of polishing). If you don't review missions twice then it's not a problem to me. My original goal was to offer an adventure, but it was way too long and tortuous. It should be a lot closer to my purpose like that.


Mission name: Gunboat diplomacy (formerly known as "The heart of your enemy").
Author: diogene0
Mission lengh: 45 minutes at most.
Faction: KDF
Minimul level: 16+
Project ID: ST-HFDC324BE
Method of Report Delivery: forum post please.

Thanks for your help, as always!
Klingon Mission - Gunboat diplomacy
Author: diogene0
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HFDC324BE

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a fun combat oriented mission with just enough well written story dialogue to keep the mission moving forward. The map designs are great, the battles are glorious, and the story dialogue is very well written. I would recommend this mission to other players seeking glorious battles with a good story.

This is a nice re-write of the previous "The heart of your enemy" mission. There are a few references in the revised mission that refer to elements that no longer exist and need to be fixed. They are noted below and are yoursto do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description with an intriguing plot. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The entry prompt states Begin "the heart of your enemy" yet the mission is titled "Gunboat diplomacy".

MAPS:
Deep into unknown space: This is a good map design with several glorious battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Bridge of the heavy civilian transport: This is a good map design with some glorious battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Ten minutes later: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Deep into the transport ship: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Seedea III Orbit: This is a good map design with several glorious battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Seedea III shipyard: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Holodeck of the main city of Seedea III: This is a good map design with a glorious battle of demons and well written story dialogue. It is a good wrap up to the mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The end of mission transmission references "Romulans" that never appeared in any combat or on any map in this mission. Consider removing this reference in all dialogue.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job redeveloping this combat oriented mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 847
Quote:
Originally Posted by q403 View Post
Title: Cold Enemies
Level: 35 +
Faction: Federation
Estimated Length: 15 Minutes
@Q400

For Foundry challenge five.
Federation Mission - Cold Enemies
Author: Q400
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HMPU9PRYS

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: The mission is a nice combat oriented mission with some story dialogue to move it forward. I would recommend this mission to other players who like combat oriented missions, although not on Elite level as it was challenging enough on Normal level.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue and follow dialogue are well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
The Vault System: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

The Vault - Floor Three - Engineering and Cargobays: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle. I noted one item to consider changing:
-One of the injured Reman?s is sitting above the medical bed.

Meeting System: This is a good map design with a nice battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Angered Admiral" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank]?[Rank]?" to read "[Rank]? [Rank]?".

Meeting Place: This is a nice simple map design with some tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to the Breen position.

---------End Report----------
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I enjoyed the mission and good luck in the challenge. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 847
Quote:
Originally Posted by jhawkonespn View Post
Mission Name: Kobayashi Maru
Author: @JHawk1128
Minimum Level: Any Level
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HR5QOAR8K
Estimated Mission Length: ~20 Minutes
Method of Report Delivery: In-Game Message
Federation Mission - Kobayashi Maru
Author: JHawk1128
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HR5QOAR8K

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a fast paced, fun combat oriented mission, with some story dialogue that moves the mission forward. The battles are well balanced throughout the mission. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players. It was a lot of fun.

The capitalization issues I noted below are minor details that may vary between players, but should still be considered. Something else to consider would be the map usage that I mentioned below on the "Klingon Neutral Zone 2" map. I understood the effect you were going for using that map and the single line of dialogue. What I would recommend you consider is setup the "Ker?rat System's" and "Klingon Neutral Zone's" maps as generic space maps that you build them before and after the "Kobayashi Maru" map. You could place planet objects that disappear when the player goes to warp using the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect. The player then proceeds to a designated point on the map and drops out of warp. At that point you make the other planet, enemy mob ships and Kobayashi Maru appear. The player battles the Klingons and then beams to the Kobayashi Maru. When they complete that map they beam back to a generic space map similar to the other one that reverses the process, without the enemy mobs of course. They warp away from the Kobayashi Maru as it explodes. The player proceeds to a designated point on the map and drop out of warp and wrap up the mission with the remaining dialogue. This design would consolidate your maps and allow the story to flow a little more without as many map transfers.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: You need to add the start location of the first custom map, to include the sector block, you your initial mission task. You want players to be able to find your mission to start it. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Ker?rat System: This is a nice simple map design with good story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "The [ShipName] is on it's final day of a two month tour of duty patroling the Federation's border with the Klingon Empire" to read "The [ShipName] is on its final day of a two month tour of duty patrolling the Federation's border with the Klingon Empire".
-Consider changing "Our final mission before returning to Earth Spacedock for refit is to scan the Ker'rat System for Klingon activity using the Sensor Probe in orbit" to read "Our final mission before returning to Earth Spacedock, scan the Ker'rat System for Klingon activity using the sensor probe in orbit".
-Consider changing "Any action taken that involves the [ShipName] crossing into the Neutral Zone will likely lead to a hostile response from the Empire and could lead to a all-out war between the Federation and the Klingon Empire" to read "Any action taken that involves the [ShipName] crossing into the Neutral Zone will likely lead to a hostile response from the Empire, which could lead to a all-out war between the Federation, and the Klingon Empire".
-Consider striking the Engineering BOFF response regarding provoking the Klingon Empire. It does not feel right in the moment, even for a simulation.
-The word "Treaty" does not need to be capitalized in every sentence. A good rule of thumb is if it refers to a specific treaty then it would be capitalized. For example; "The Organian Peace Treaty" would be capitalized, otherwise if just mentioning the word treaty you could leave it lower case.

Klingon Neutral Zone: This is a good map design with some fun battles and good story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the capitalization of the word "Ship" in every sentence. Treat it the same way as you used vessel in the initial dialogue.
-Consider changing "Transporter Room" to read "transporter room".

Kobayashi Maru: This is a good map design with some fun battles. The story dialogue is well done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Klingon Boarding Parties" to read "Klingon boarding parties" in all dialogue on this map.
-Consider changing the "Auto Destruct" console to a stand along console, or place it against the bulkhead behind the Kobayashi Maru Captain. The current console is transparent in the back so when the player turns around they can see through it.

Klingon Neutral Zone 2: This is a very short map with short dialogue for the map transfer. I will address this in summary. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the ship labeled "Generic Freighter Medium" to read "Kobayashi Maru".

Ker?rat System 2: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue that wraps up the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the mission text "Scan for Klingon Persuit" to read "Scan for Klingon Pursuit"
-Consider changing "back to Federation Space safely" to read "back to Federation space safely".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/29/2012 on forum posting for: Kobayashi Maru - JHawk1128's Second Foundry Mission
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 847
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
Looks like you have a long list, but here's another one:

Mission Title: Diplomacy in the Gamma Quadrant
Player @Handle: @Marhawkman
Faction: Klingon
Level Requirement: 35+
Mission Summary: Orions are not the best warriors but they are skilled traders. Melani Di'an has convinced the high council that it is time to attempt to open trade negotiations with an old enemy. The task the High Council has given you is to make contact so that the negotiations can actually begin.

could you post here: http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...21#post7163921

PMs or posting here is fine too.
Klingon Mission - Diplomacy in the Gamma Quadrant
Author: Marhawkman
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HLIG3FL3F

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: The difficulty for me as an evaluator of Foundry challenge missions is that I do not know the specifics of the challenge. Without knowing the specific goals this mission was created for I found some of the tasks to be tedious. I also found some of the map designs a little confusing. Overall the map designs were well done and the story dialogue was interesting, although I felt the dialogue could be expanded in some areas. This would flesh out the story a little more. The battles on the "Zelatta System#2" map were glorious and a nice addition to the mission. I would recommend this mission, but you need to expand some of the details, and curtail some of the more tedious elements.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good and simple grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: The follow on dialogue is well written, and gives the location to start the mission, but the location for the start of the first custom map should be included in the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Zelatta System: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Zelatta Surface: This is a detailed map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Without knowing the specifics of the challenge I have to say, the run to the top of the ramp was tedious.
-The Elder appears to be the same NPC as Sella. Is this intentional?

Research Base: This is a detailed map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The base design was very detailed but on the previous map it said "Enter building". The next map is clearly outside so this was a little confusing.
-Without knowing the specifics of the challenge I have to say, running back and forth to find Jeyoun was tedious, especially for the little dialogue it produces at the end of the search.

Zelatta System#2: This is a good map design with several glorious battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Rendevous Point: This is a nice simple map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Rendevous Point" to read "Rendezvous Point".

ruins: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Scan" tasks have no accompanying dialogue following each one and do not make sense. Consider adding dialogue as each one is completed that indicates it is all clear or something along those lines.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Again, without knowing the specifics of the Foundry challenge I still enjoyed the mission and felt it had a lot more potential in the story. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/29/2012 on forum posting for: Diplomacy in the Gamma Quadrant
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".

Last edited by evil70th; 12-29-2012 at 12:29 PM.
Rihannsu
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 13,976
# 467
12-29-2012, 06:54 PM
thanks for the review.

BTW what did you think of the Enliss NPC?
HAIL HYDRA!

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I can haz joystick!
MMOs aren't charities. Corporations are supposed to make a profit. It's what they do.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 847
# 468
12-30-2012, 08:38 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by markhawkman View Post
thanks for the review.

BTW what did you think of the Enliss NPC?
I liked Enliss. She seemed like a strong and very driven character. I am sure we will see her again.

Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 547
# 469
12-30-2012, 10:13 AM
Say, Evil70th, I've got a new mission out and I like your reviews and help whenever I publish a new mission.

With my recent publish though, I worked around with some dialog mechanics to make the desired feel I wanted. And lots and lots of branches with different triggers. Knowing you go through a lot of the dialog via minimizing and re-opening dialog windows, you could be exposed to the mechanics going... well... pretty nuts. I doubt it would make the mission impossible at any point to complete, but, would definitely break the feel of the mission in a few points.

Would you still be interested in running a review on my mission, despite the added awkward my optional objectives and mini-things will add to it via your review process?
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 847
Quote:
Originally Posted by thegreendragoon1 View Post
You can add my mission to the list. Thank you.

Mission Name: In the Shadow of MIDAS, Part 1
Author: greendragoon
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJ7NMF3PH
Estimated Mission Length: 60+ minutes
Method of Report Delivery: Forum post here is fine.

Description:
MIDAS, an experimental array once used to communicate with the U.S.S. Voyager while it was stranded in the Delta Quadrant. These days it's sending more than messages. You are called to discover the fate of two Federation starships that failed to return after venturing through an experimental wormhole to the other side of the galaxy. But in the far reaches of space, a darkness dwells and you may find that two lost ships are the least of your worries. Do you have what it takes to unravel the mystery and return home in one piece?

Comments:
This is the first of a 3 part arc. I'll warn you now, this means it's a cliffhanger. It's also designed for single player.

Forum thread here which includes the the trailer.
Federation Mission - In the Shadow of MIDAS, Part 1
Author: greendragoon
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJ7NMF3PH

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission from the fantastic map designs, to the fun, balanced battles, through the excellent story dialogue. You did a fantastic job of drawing me into the story and keeping me riveted the whole time. I hardly noticed the mission length as I played through. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who love those elements in a mission.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good and intriguing description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
MIDAS Array: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Admiral's Office: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Through the Wormhole: This is a fantastic map design with a good battle and excellent story dialogue. The wormhole, rift, and warp effects are outstanding. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "On screen".
-The post "Exit the Rift" dialogue; consider changing "We're traveled over 73,000 light years" to read "We've traveled over 73,000 light years".

System R1-997: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Ruined City: The map design is fantastic, especially the entry to the fallen starship. The battles are well balanced and fun. The story dialogue is excellent. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

U.S.S. Persephone: This is an outstanding map design with well balanced battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Return to Transport Site" dialogue; consider changing "I know your star sailors" to read "I know you star sailors".
-The post "Set Off Incendiary Charges" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Let's get out of here".

System R1-997: This is a nice map design with a good battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The warp effect you used for the warp out does not work very well. If possible I suggest you reorient the map so the ship approaches the warp out from the west and use the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect you used on the "Through the Wormhole" map.

Ship Interior: This is an excellent map design with outstanding story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
- I do not see it as a problem, but some players may mention a problem with a Vulcan using contractions. It's something to consider.

Empty Space: This is a great map design with fun battles and outstanding story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. The mission from start to finish is outstanding. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/30/2012 on forum posting for: In the Shadow of MIDAS, Part 1
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
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