Commander
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 394
# 41
01-12-2013, 06:02 PM
As some of you know, I'm writing a longer story, filling in my character's back story.

Today, I was able to finish off a foundry mission for an event that will take place in my story. If you are the type to do foundry missions, I'd appreciate a review

Under the Review Content tab, search for "The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident" by @bort1980.
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,764
# 42
01-12-2013, 06:14 PM
I read most of the entries, and I approve.

Except one...

KIRA YAMATO, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THAT I DONT

XD
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lt. Comm. Pion
What should I wish upon the endless universe;
To be able to smile and forgive everything;
That's right, if we light up the dream in our hearts without averting our eyes;
We should be able to walk whatever tomorrow comes...

I am V. Adm. Kha Yuung, and I approve of this message.
Lieutenant
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 37
# 43
01-12-2013, 07:54 PM
I have also read and enjoyed all but one of the entries.
Mine. I should ahve left it until not tired and dome something at least decent.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,775
# 44
01-13-2013, 07:03 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by keepcalm View Post
I have also read and enjoyed all but one of the entries.
Mine. I should ahve left it until not tired and dome something at least decent.
I rather enjoyed it
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,469
# 45
01-13-2013, 08:12 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by keepcalm View Post
I have also read and enjoyed all but one of the entries.
Mine. I should ahve left it until not tired and dome something at least decent.
I liked it! Nothing supernatural - straightforward intruder and that works just as well.
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 147
# 46
01-13-2013, 02:05 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by keepcalm View Post
I have also read and enjoyed all but one of the entries.
Mine. I should ahve left it until not tired and dome something at least decent.
Here is some (hopefully) constructive feedback on your entry.
  • The best way to get better at writing is to write. You are talking with anonymous people, so what's the harm in posting something and getting feedback?
  • It might be better to identify the main character's species earlier. I read it and assumed she was Gorn.
  • Give hints as to why the Ferasan feels out of place. Maybe the Klingons are suspicious of her and wouldn't let others of her kind join her onboard. Or the other Ferasan died in a previous engagement with the Federation.
  • You might want to consider a stronger conclusion, or a cliff hanger to be resolved in the next literary challenge. Maybe the central computer exploded after the Reman left, or she dropped a grenade, or muttered something about revenge.
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,469
# 47
01-13-2013, 02:18 PM
Feedback on feedback

Quote:
Originally Posted by superhombre777 View Post
Here is some (hopefully) constructive feedback on your entry.
  • You might want to consider a stronger conclusion, or a cliff hanger to be resolved in the next literary challenge. Maybe the central computer exploded after the Reman left, or she dropped a grenade, or muttered something about revenge.
This is good advice and one I should follow as well. At the same time, the Reman's presence (being a violation) lends to the mystery of the post which speaks directly to the overall topic. I assumed it to *be* a cliffhanger.

As myself an example, I'm still under personal pressure to work on a follow-up to LC35!
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 271
# 48
01-13-2013, 03:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by khayuung View Post
I read most of the entries, and I approve.

Except one...

KIRA YAMATO, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THAT I DONT

XD
Is it just me or did this not make much sense? Please clarify
Ikuzo, Trombe!
Lieutenant
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 38
# 49
01-13-2013, 05:06 PM
*Terminator shades* I'm back.

I know I havent' done these in a while, mainly because I didn't find them interesting, I felt they were too much of a tie-in to something in-game or IRL, which isn't what I RP for.

I personally RP to create a situation quite unlike anything else happening at that point in time, I prefer these kind of random scenarios. Consider it feedback and take it as you will Branflakes.

Hope you all enjoyed my first part of Haunted, I'm going to go for it and try to find a Star Trek explanation for these happenings without it being "oh look it was a cloaked person all along." Also if you read my entry for the First Contact premise, expect some tie-ins, as well as general creepiness (I was starting to creep myself out, doesn't help being alone in the dark...).

Please give me feedback on how you feel I could improve (or just say how much you like it if you want, its all good). I take RP seriosuly and would love constructive feedback.
Krovennan Darksabre: Commanding officer of the U.S.S. Blacksabre-E NX-973484-E

I earned my Vet rewards with commitment, not cash.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 147
# 50
01-13-2013, 08:34 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrdarksabre View Post
*Terminator shades* I'm back.

I know I havent' done these in a while, mainly because I didn't find them interesting, I felt they were too much of a tie-in to something in-game or IRL, which isn't what I RP for.
Now's a good time to admit that my characters in the literary challenges are not the same ones I have in STO. I found it easier to make up new characters than to fit my perfect, undefeated STO vice admiral into short stories where I originally intended on killing off most of the crew.
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