Rihannsu
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 216
# 71
01-25-2013, 07:34 PM
Just edited mine again. Added some more detail to the final battle scene. Lemme know what you guys think.
Vice Admiral Bryan Mitchel Valot
Commanding officer: Odyssey class U.S.S. Athena
Admiral of the 1st Assault Fleet
Join date: Some time in Closed Beta
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,655
# 72
01-26-2013, 06:35 AM
I also edited mine and have decided it is finished. The way it ended leads to the imagination the final conversation between the Captains and any ramifications may be dealt with in later LCs if the opportunity arrises.

I had a bad word filtered but I think that's ok - you all will get the word used and I doubt it will "break" the flow.

Now then, I need to spend today to catch up on all this discussion!

Comments welcome.
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,460
# 73
01-26-2013, 08:55 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironphoenix113 View Post
Just edited mine again. Added some more detail to the final battle scene. Lemme know what you guys think.
Nice work I'm still getting caught up on that 2nd to last paragraph though... I wouldn't be offended if you didn't want to re-edit to include this, and equally, certainly do not mean any offence by offering it, but this is more what I was meaning from my previous comment...

When he finally recovered, Bryan yelled out "Damage report!" but received no response. He was about to repeat the order, when he looked to the starboard side of the bridge, and realized why he had not been answered and his blood ran cold. Ibalei had been flung from her console by the plasma discharge, and lay still on the deck. Even with several limbs clearly broken, her long, dark red hair randomly pulled from its customary ponytail, and bleeding from multiple puncture wounds and lacerations, the young Trill had never looked more beautiful.

As above, no offence intended, just a suggestion of how I might have written the scene, or expected it to read


Equally, I re-edited mine yesterday just to clear up the action of the 2nd to last paragraph
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,460
# 74
01-26-2013, 09:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmdrscarlet View Post
I also edited mine and have decided it is finished. The way it ended leads to the imagination the final conversation between the Captains and any ramifications may be dealt with in later LCs if the opportunity arrises.

I had a bad word filtered but I think that's ok - you all will get the word used and I doubt it will "break" the flow.

Now then, I need to spend today to catch up on all this discussion!

Comments welcome.
Have to admit, I couldn't actually see/tell the edits, it all just ran smoothly, and I still think it's an excellent piece
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,655
# 75
01-26-2013, 10:12 AM
@ marcus - Many thanks ... but no longer Marcus? After catching up on all the discussion posts (like *really* reading them), I had to reread some. I had to reread yours a couple of times to be sure that I caught the truth ... Marcus is dead?! I mean, I just started to know him, but you've had him for 15 years and poof?

Unless I read it alllllll wrong ... I am curious about your motivation to make the move, if you are willing to share.

@ironphoenix - I want to agree with Marcus' suggestion as it could clear up a little of the climax.

What's up with killing off crew in this round?

@ shevet - dagnabit, well done!
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,460
# 76
01-26-2013, 11:42 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmdrscarlet View Post
@ marcus - Many thanks ... but no longer Marcus?
I'm just the ghost of Marcus Kane, communicating from the Other Side... SpOoOoOoOky

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmdrscarlet View Post
I had to reread yours a couple of times to be sure that I caught the truth ... Marcus is dead?! I mean, I just started to know him, but you've had him for 15 years and poof?
As the proverbial door nail... I might do some 'Benjamin Button' stories featuring earlier events in his life in future LCs if they would facilitate, but in terms of ongoing continuity, he's gone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmdrscarlet View Post
Unless I read it alllllll wrong ... I am curious about your motivation to make the move, if you are willing to share.
You read it right, and more than willing to share 'Making the move' is pretty much the key sentiment. When I wrote Marcus' character 15 years ago, he was intended as a guest character in a Series 4 Era DS-9 novel, which life got in the way of me writing, and he was very much a product of that era. I wouldn't say that he didn't fit into the STO era, but I felt that as his crew would have either shuffled off or retired, it was time that he did likewise. Could he be resurrected? As mentioned in an earlier post, yes, I can think of two very easy ways that he could be resurrected if I was to write it (I might post an Epilogue in a few days) but I think that to resurrect him, would not only diminish his sacrifice (or at least willing execution to save the Valkyrie getting blown up while trying to protect him), but also be shades of Search for Spock, which I wouldn't want to do... If you've read his bio I posted a while back, while I don't think Marcus 'wanted to die', I think that he was 'tired of living', much like Henry Hamilton in In Time and Connor MacLeod, in Highlander: Endgame, and I felt it was time to move him aside to allow new characters to get some use

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmdrscarlet View Post
What's up with killing off crew in this round?
MU allows such things...
Commander
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 389
# 77
01-26-2013, 12:28 PM
And posted. As you'll see, I took inspiration from what others have said about the mirror Trill and applied that to my own Joined captain.

I hope this is clear enough from the text, but in case it's not: her pre-Joining name was Sanara Lucel, and per Trill custom (in our universe, at least) she now goes by Sanara Draz.
Join Date: January 2011
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,205
# 78
01-26-2013, 01:01 PM
Wow, hfmudd, I LOVE what your mirror Sanara said about the Prime Directive! You really captured the difference between what it started as in TOS (protecting those who genuinely could not have fought the Federation back) and what it became in TNG--an excuse to play politics and to pick and choose which atrocities to accept and which ones to ignore. Like the Federation deciding to ignore what the Cardassians did to Bajor, AND to repeatedly ignore every awful thing the Klingons did because it happened to be under the guise of honor and the Klingons were politically-convenient allies.

What she did--not really taking the time to learn what Joining was like in the prime universe, and then trying to kill Draz--was wrong and ultimately it does show the corruption that seems to be almost ubiquitous in the MU. But, what she said before that point was right.
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM me for more. :-)


Sig by gulberat. Avatar credit to balsavor.deviantart.com

Last edited by gulberat; 01-26-2013 at 01:04 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,655
# 79
01-26-2013, 01:41 PM
I agree with gulberat: that part really grabbed me. You used a bad word too!

Admittedly, I realized that both were Trill about a third of the way down (iirc). So, the name switching was confusing at first, but that was less your writing and more my overall ignorance of the Trill ... thing.

Overall, I enjoyed it and look forward to more from you in future LCs
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,460
# 80
01-26-2013, 01:42 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by hfmudd View Post
And posted. As you'll see, I took inspiration from what others have said about the mirror Trill and applied that to my own Joined captain.

I hope this is clear enough from the text, but in case it's not: her pre-Joining name was Sanara Lucel, and per Trill custom (in our universe, at least) she now goes by Sanara Draz.
Wow. That was an absolutely fantastic read, I couldn't be more pleased that you decided to contribute to the challenge
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