Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 830
Quote:
Originally Posted by skyline475 View Post
Hey evil, I'm back again xD

Got another mission for you to check out when you can.

Mission Name: The Wave Empire Ep.4
Author: Skyline45
Minimum Level: 35+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQDWSGADV
Est. Time: 50min
Recommended Difficulty: Normal
Federation Mission - The Wave Empire Ep.4
Author: Skyline45
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQDWSGADV

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with several tough battles throughout, great map designs, and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: Consider putting the start location of the first custom map in the initial task. It will make it easier for the player to start your mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
The Wave Empire Warp Gate: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Please alt stop" to read "Please all stop".
-Consider changing the response button "Helms bring her to an alt stop" to read "Helm, bring her to all stop".

The Wave Empire Warp Gate Docking Station Threshold: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Hmm, It'd be risky" to read "Hmm, it'd be risky"

Transport Shuttle F292: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "a lot of unawnsered questions" to read "a lot of unanswered questions".
-Consider changing "Load torpedos" to read "Load torpedoes".
-Consider changing "Torpedos are deadlocked" to read "Torpedoes are deadlocked".
-Consider changing "I can awnser them" to read "I can answer them".
-Consider changing "Captain, one hostle down" to read "Captain, one hostile down".
-Consider changing "Two hostles coming" to read "Two hostiles coming".
-Consider changing "use those torpedos" to read "use those torpedoes".
-Consider changing "Fire all aft torpedos" to read "Fire all aft torpedoes".

Achilles Maximum Prison: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Achilles System: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Unknown Location: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "the wrap gate now" to read "the warp gate now".
-Consider changing "We'll re-inforce you as soon as we can" to read "We'll reinforce you as soon as we can".
-Consider changing "All hostles neutralized" to read "All hostiles neutralized".

Breen Dreadnought Interior Brig Level: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "According to the ship's logg" to read "According to the ship's log".

NX7 Eclipse Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing Captain Yuina Skyline's dialogue to triggered dialogue, or make it part of the storyline.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission in the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 02/09/2013 on forum posting for: The Wave Empire Series
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 830
Quote:
Originally Posted by zaynar View Post
Since I have created my first mission in the Foundry and I would like it to be as good as possible, here is my request for review.

Mission Name: By Any Means
Author: SupremeLegate
Minimum Level: 46+
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HCEDLOVSV
Estimated Mission Length: Does not qualify for the wrapper so I guess less than 15 minutes.

Looking forward to the feedback.
Klingon Mission - By Any Means
Author: SupremeLegate
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HCEDLOVSV

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission for your first time using the Foundry. The map designs are well done but some of the enemy mobs are pretty strong on the "Research Outpost" map. Consider starting with lower level enemy mobs and building them to higher levels as the player crosses the map. Then put the toughest enemy at the end of the map. Also consider developing a little more story to help move the mission forward. There are several great tutorials on Starbase UGC that will help you develop your Foundry skills.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good, short description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
General R'Kaal's Base: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is okay but the map does not seem to be necessary. Consider moving the Generals dialogue following the grant dialogue and you eliminate this map.

N'Ett'A: This is a good map design but the story needs a little more development. Consider adding a little more story dialogue to help make the story a little more interesting.
-Consider changing the response button "Helm, move into rang of the outpost" to read "Helm, move into range of the outpost".

Research Outpost: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider setting the map up so the player moves from one side to the other to search the outpost.
-You used the response button "Continue" quite a bit on this map. It is a pet peeve of mine but I feel there are better responses especially when it comes to BOFF report responses.
-Consider changing the mission task "Acess Computer" to read "Access Computer".
-Consider changing the computer button "Interact" to "Access Computer".

To Battle!: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "What about the date" to read "What about the data".
-Consider changing the response button "The Undine wiped the comuter" to read "The Undine wiped the computer".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing the mission and even though it needs a little more work it is a great start. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Lieutenant
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 85
# 523
02-09-2013, 10:53 PM
Thanks for the input, I'll see how best I can implement your suggestions and will them resubmit for review.
Lieutenant
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 74
# 524
02-10-2013, 06:39 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by evil70th View Post
Federation Mission - The Wave Empire Ep.4
Author: Skyline45
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQDWSGADV

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with several tough battles throughout, great map designs, and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: Consider putting the start location of the first custom map in the initial task. It will make it easier for the player to start your mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
The Wave Empire Warp Gate: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Please alt stop" to read "Please all stop".
-Consider changing the response button "Helms bring her to an alt stop" to read "Helm, bring her to all stop".

The Wave Empire Warp Gate Docking Station Threshold: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Hmm, It'd be risky" to read "Hmm, it'd be risky"

Transport Shuttle F292: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "a lot of unawnsered questions" to read "a lot of unanswered questions".
-Consider changing "Load torpedos" to read "Load torpedoes".
-Consider changing "Torpedos are deadlocked" to read "Torpedoes are deadlocked".
-Consider changing "I can awnser them" to read "I can answer them".
-Consider changing "Captain, one hostle down" to read "Captain, one hostile down".
-Consider changing "Two hostles coming" to read "Two hostiles coming".
-Consider changing "use those torpedos" to read "use those torpedoes".
-Consider changing "Fire all aft torpedos" to read "Fire all aft torpedoes".

Achilles Maximum Prison: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Achilles System: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Unknown Location: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "the wrap gate now" to read "the warp gate now".
-Consider changing "We'll re-inforce you as soon as we can" to read "We'll reinforce you as soon as we can".
-Consider changing "All hostles neutralized" to read "All hostiles neutralized".

Breen Dreadnought Interior Brig Level: This is a good map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "According to the ship's logg" to read "According to the ship's log".

NX7 Eclipse Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing Captain Yuina Skyline's dialogue to triggered dialogue, or make it part of the storyline.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission in the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 02/09/2013 on forum posting for: The Wave Empire Series

Thank you again for your review evil xD

I thought about making the end dialogue with Yuina apart of the storyline like you mentioned, but I choose to leave her as an option to talk to. My intentions where for the people that are getting involved with the series to get subtle hints as to what I'm planning for the next episode. I was also testing out how to work the optional dialogue trees for when I revamp Ep.1's Loerina map.
Join Date: Dec 2009 <Actual Join Date)
My Foundry Missions:
The Wave Empire Series: http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...d.php?t=279751
Lieutenant
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 85
# 525
02-10-2013, 08:18 AM
I've gone in and updated my mission.

Mission Name: By Any Means
Author: SupremeLegate
Minimum Level: 46+
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HCEDLOVSV
Estimated Mission Length: Still does not qualify for the wrapper.

Also, if you have any suggestions on how to make it longer, without losing quality, so it will qualify for the wrapper would be appreciated.
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 830
# 526
02-10-2013, 10:54 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by skyline475 View Post
Thank you again for your review evil xD

I thought about making the end dialogue with Yuina apart of the storyline like you mentioned, but I choose to leave her as an option to talk to. My intentions where for the people that are getting involved with the series to get subtle hints as to what I'm planning for the next episode. I was also testing out how to work the optional dialogue trees for when I revamp Ep.1's Loerina map.
Glad I could help.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 830
# 527
02-10-2013, 11:10 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by zaynar View Post
I've gone in and updated my mission.

Mission Name: By Any Means
Author: SupremeLegate
Minimum Level: 46+
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HCEDLOVSV
Estimated Mission Length: Still does not qualify for the wrapper.

Also, if you have any suggestions on how to make it longer, without losing quality, so it will qualify for the wrapper would be appreciated.
I believe a mission will not qualify until it has reached a minimum number of plays and reviews. I am not sure what that level is anymore. It used to be five plays before it appeared in the regular queue of Foundry missions. The mission is more than long enough but my point was you need to develop a story to support the mission as it is currently laid out. You, as the author, are the only one who knows where you want to take the story.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 830
Quote:
Originally Posted by husker75 View Post
Mission of Mercy
I.D. ST-HRYMYOVI3
Author: treky1134
Faction: Starfleet
Level: 16+

Description:
Your ship is needed in Romulan space to help aid the Romulan settlements. Both the settlements and the Federation supply convoys have come under attack from pirate raiders. Starfleet has decided that an officer of your experience is needed to ensure that vital supplies reach the Dera II settlement.


-Thanks for the review. Hope you enjoy!
Federation Mission - Mission of Mercy
Author: treky1134
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HRYMYOVI3

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with great map designs, tough, but fun battles, and excellent story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to all players. You will enjoy this mission.

I mentioned the use of quotations in the response button on every map. The quotations used had a space between it and the first word of the button. The use of the quotations in the response button seems unnecessary. The response button by default is the player's response and therefore does not require quotations.

While on the subject of dialogue, even though the dialogue is excellent and I found only one spelling error, there are a few places that you should consider adjusting. The spaces in between some of the sentences appeared to be random at times. I am referring to the hard returns between specific sentences in the dialogue. Consider going through the dialogue to ensure the spaces are consistent throughout.

Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: Consider moving the "Author's Notes" to the description section. Then move the follow on dialogue to start on this screen. I noted a couple of items in the follow on dialogue to consider changing:
-Your starting quotation in the response button appears to have a space between it and the first word. Consider removing the quotations from the response button. The response button by default is the player's response.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a start location for the first custom map. Consider adding the sector block to ensure the player can find it more easily. I noted no spelling or errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt

MAPS:
Dera II: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
- Your starting quotation in most of the response buttons appears to have a space between it and the first word. Consider removing the quotations from the response button. The response button by default is the player's response.

Deck 5: Section 21 Alpha: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I understand what you did by trapping the BOFFs at the beginning of the map. Be careful doing this because you could trap the player as well. Consider moving the spawn point to allow the BOFFs and player to appear on the map. Then give direction to the player to have the player use the rally point for the BOFFs.
-Your starting quotation in most of the response buttons appears to have a space between it and the first word. Consider removing the quotations from the response button. The response button by default is the player's response.
- I liked the transporter effect, but consider lowering the transporter overhead to be closer to the transporter column effect.

Dera System: This is a great map design with some tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is excellent. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Your starting quotation in most of the response buttons appears to have a space between it and the first word. Consider removing the quotations from the response button. The response button by default is the player's response.
-The "Weather Starstreaks North South" seems to be bugged with the streaks going both directions at regular impulse. Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space than the other. The only potential issue is the return trip to Dera II.

The Settlement: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Your starting quotation in most of the response buttons appears to have a space between it and the first word. Consider removing the quotations from the response button. The response button by default is the player's response.
-The Governor Avrak dialogue; consider changing "Now im sure you have questions" to read "Now I'm sure you have questions"

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission. I enjoyed it and look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 830
# 529
02-10-2013, 12:42 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by zaynar View Post
I've gone in and updated my mission.

Mission Name: By Any Means
Author: SupremeLegate
Minimum Level: 46+
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HCEDLOVSV
Estimated Mission Length: Still does not qualify for the wrapper.

Also, if you have any suggestions on how to make it longer, without losing quality, so it will qualify for the wrapper would be appreciated.
It occurs to me that I may have been a little harsh in my previous response to you. I apologize for that. Let me clarify my points a little more.

First of all, in my opinion, writing a Klingon mission has got to be one of the hardest tasks an author can undertake. This can be especially true if it is your first time creating a mission in the Foundry. Finding the balance between tough combat, mission oriented tasks, and story dialogue is not an easy task. There are several great Klingon missions out there that demonstrate the true heart of the Klingon. Thoughtful, yet able to fight against impossible odds, sure in the knowledge of victory, or they will die trying. My take on the Klingon warrior, especially one who rises to command a starship, is they are tough, understand tactics, and would never charge blindly into battle. They would understand the need for tactics and always fight honorably. In the Klingon heart only a coward would fight otherwise.

My second point, is deciding how you want the story to end. Even if the story is one in a series or story arc you must decide what the goal or end point of the particular mission is. Of course when you are writing a single mission in a series you need to know how you plan to end series. Otherwise the story will not blend together and make sense to the player. If you know how you want a particular story to end then you can figure out how to write the dialogue, design the maps and interactions, which includes battles, to get the story to that point. I tend to write the story with the assumption that a players character would not be in command of a starship if they were stupid. This draws the player into the story and makes them feel a part of what is happening.

I wrote a paper titled "Evil70th - Best Practices" located on page 5 of this forum post. It covers several points that, in my opinion, help make a mission work. Remember, every author here started out learning how to use the Foundry. Use the resources that are available to you here on the forums and at Starbase UGC. Most authors are happy to help you with ideas and tutorials that will help you make even better missions.

Good luck, and thanks for authoring,
Brian
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Lieutenant
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 85
# 530
02-13-2013, 08:37 PM
First Evil let me say, I did not think your comments were harsh. They were in fact helpful, and cleared up a misunderstanding I apparently had.

Anyway, I have gone back in and reworked the mission. I completely redid the Research Outpost portion as well as added bits to the N'Ett'A and Battle! portions. I look forward to seeing what you have to say about this version.


Mission Name: By Any Means
Author: SupremeLegate
Minimum Level: 46+
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HCEDLOVSV
Estimated Mission Length: Unknown (Not long)
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