Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,732
# 91
02-24-2013, 03:53 PM
Okay, those were a bit longer than I was expecting, but -

Wow. Just wow.

Poor Enala. What a way to lay down your life for your companions.

And ironphoenix - yes, yours was long. But somehow, it felt almost not long enough at the end. Now I have to look up any other stories you've written about these people.

I am gathering from the stories that personal relationships among command crew have become tacitly accepted in Starfleet. I guess it's a good thing that my author avatar is straight, and while Dom is bi, he's also in a committed four-marriage on his homeworld. (The four is convenient - he doesn't have to worry about having someone to take care of his mates and children while he's offworld...) So I won't have to worry about that particular complication springing up for my crew.
-------------------------------------------
I'm old enough not to care too much about what you think of me --
But I'm young enough to remember the future, the way things ought to be...

- Rush, "Cut To the Chase", Counterparts
Rihannsu
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 216
# 92
02-24-2013, 04:23 PM
@jonsills

Yea, I agree. Something kind of felt off at the end there. Probably the biggest thing was that I couldn't figure out how to end it until I got there, and was like "now what?" Probably would have helped if I weren't writing late at night/early in the morning. Might edit mine a little later once I figure out a better method for ending it.

EDIT:

Adjusted mine a little. A few pieces of dialog were kind of getting to me. Also added a sort of epilogue deliberatly written from Ibalei's point of view to get a sense of how she felt about the situations she had recently been in.
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Admiral of the 1st Assault Fleet
Join date: Some time in Closed Beta

Last edited by ironphoenix113; 02-24-2013 at 07:14 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,128
# 93
02-24-2013, 07:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklysoldier View Post
This wasn't an easy story to write, but then, Azera having to actually deal with a Borg drone was never going to be an easy situation for her. It ties in with both her log entries and her origin story (of sorts) "In Memoriam." I'd love to get feedback on them both (especially In Memoriam), but they're not really necessary for reading this one. It's just that some of the dramatic irony that'd come from knowing more about Azera than she knows about herself will instead be actual suspense about her background.
Very well done, and not only did you capture the personal effect of it on Azera, you did an excellent job of showing the horror of what the Borg do to people.

BTW, one question: does she consider "Xi" to be her surname or her first name?
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Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,128
# 94
02-24-2013, 08:00 PM
I just posted my response to the challenge, titled "The Call."

That story, as with some of yours, got much longer than I was expecting. I hope you like it, and would be interested to hear your feedback and what struck you as you were reading.

http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1&postcount=14
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM me for more. :-)


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Rihannsu
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 216
# 95
02-24-2013, 08:29 PM
@gulberat

Great entry! And a very interesting way to use Alyosha's...unique...situation. Really hope Gul Tassok can care for his daughter.

EDIT:

Touched up a few more pieces of dialog, and also add some more detail to my ending
Vice Admiral Bryan Mitchel Valot
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Admiral of the 1st Assault Fleet
Join date: Some time in Closed Beta

Last edited by ironphoenix113; 02-25-2013 at 03:03 AM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
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# 96
02-25-2013, 09:09 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by gulberat View Post
Great entry! And a very interesting way to use Alyosha's...unique...situation.
Thanks.

It occurred to me that after what happened with Picard in "Best of Both Worlds," it would probably be considered exceedingly dangerous to have command officers intentionally coming into very close range of the Borg (STO gameplay notwithstanding). In Alyosha's case that would be particularly dangerous since as far as they know, there has never been an assimilated Devidian before, and it could well add some dangerous capabilities to the Collective if he were taken and successfully assimilated.

Quote:
Really hope Gul Tassok can care for his daughter.
Yeah. Gul Tassok is in for a really, really rough time.

Quote:
EDIT:

Touched up a few more pieces of dialog, and also add some more detail to my ending
I'm just curious...it seems that Ibalei maintained a lot more of her own personality than it's implied many joined Trill do. Is that because of the fact that Zizania chose her and is perhaps leaving her personality intact as a kindness? Could Zizania even be concerned about the fact that its presence, too boldly expressed, could ruin the upcoming marriage since it wasn't there when Bryan dated Ibalei?
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM me for more. :-)


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Rihannsu
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 216
# 97
02-25-2013, 09:20 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by gulberat View Post
I'm just curious...it seems that Ibalei maintained a lot more of her own personality than it's implied many joined Trill do. Is that because of the fact that Zizania chose her and is perhaps leaving her personality intact as a kindness? Could Zizania even be concerned about the fact that its presence, too boldly expressed, could ruin the upcoming marriage since it wasn't there when Bryan dated Ibalei?
Well, first of all, one of the things I've tried to do is to make Ibalei a little more sarcastic now than she previously was. That said, I'm still not quite sure exactly what direction I want to take her character now. The idea to do this sort of popped into my head just as I had started writing, so I guess it will be something for me to explore later...hmmm...possibly edting mine sometime soon again.
Vice Admiral Bryan Mitchel Valot
Commanding officer: Odyssey class U.S.S. Athena
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Join date: Some time in Closed Beta
Captain
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# 98
02-25-2013, 11:03 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklysoldier View Post
Okay, I'm posting my story now. First off, curse the mods for this topic! I was just about to finish the Devidian arc when this thread popped up and I instantly had to stop the game again to start brainstorming.

This wasn't an easy story to write, but then, Azera having to actually deal with a Borg drone was never going to be an easy situation for her. It ties in with both her log entries and her origin story (of sorts) "In Memoriam." I'd love to get feedback on them both (especially In Memoriam), but they're not really necessary for reading this one. It's just that some of the dramatic irony that'd come from knowing more about Azera than she knows about herself will instead be actual suspense about her background.

Anyway, the story is "Azera Xi: Fools and Children." I hope you like it, and I'll read and comment on the other stories posted too, as soon as I've, well, caught my breath...
Fantastic entry, I really enjoyed the integrated flashbacks which built the story on both timeframes, it reminded me of the style of one of my favorite authors, Eric Lustbader, although the content itself was of course very different to Lustbader's typical fare I really liked the interactions between Azera and her crew, and the situations were easy to visualize As a side note, and I can't even say why, the dialogue brought to mind that they were on an NX-Class ship

Last edited by marcusdkane; 02-25-2013 at 12:01 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,388
# 99
02-25-2013, 11:27 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironphoenix113 View Post
Well, that one went out of control really quickly. Finally got it finished...18 pages later.

A few explanations/interesting facts:

All named personnel (With the exception of the head of the Symbiosis commission and the first two hosts) are all named Duty officers or Bridge officers. Second: (And DON'T read the following until you've actually read my story, for it does contain a major spoiler) [BEGIN SPOILERS] Primarily what I was going for is that you have Ibalei, who's already well adjusted to her life as it stands right now, all of a sudden thrust into a position that she never wanted to be in. Yet, now that she is there, she want's to make the best of what she's been given.[END SPOILER]

Anyway, not sure what I'd do for the soundtrack for this one. I'll think about that when I'm not as insane from writing a small novel in four days.
I really enjoyed this entry, but there were a few aspects which I might have done differently... One example, is the conversation between Bryan and Ibalei when they are notified of the degeneration of Zizania's environment. For Ibalei to reveal that she had been a prior candidate for that specific symbiont was not only a bit of an obvious revelation, but also rather pre-revealed that she was going to have to be joined, so from a dramatic position, I felt that that weakened the impact of what was to happen. Also, and these other two points are now purely my thoughts on where I would have taken the story... I would have had the joining process considerably alter Bryan and Ibalei's relationship. I know, when Odan was on board the Enterprise-D, they continued to pursue Beverly irrespective of the 'meat suit' they were wearing, but when the Dax symbiont changed hosts, there were considerable changes to its primary relationships: Friends remained friends but the deeper dynamics of the relationships changed, and I would have liked to have seen that in this instance, as it would have (IMHO) been a nice melancholy after Bryan and Ibalei's recent tribulations... He nearly lost her in action, watched her convalesce, and then was able to begin a relationship with her, to have that pulled away from him might have been an interesting thing to explore... The other thing, is I would like there to be some kind of action, either from Zizania's family, the Symbiosis Commission or from Starfleet Command, when it is revealed that Bryan lied... The Borg ship did not attack the Athena, Bryan ordered them to engage, when it would have been possible to withdraw, and as a result, the Ambassador was gravely wounded. It would be interesting to see some repercussions of that decision, especially if the Athena AI was forced to testify against Bryan Of course, I'm probably only thinking that because I caught Q-Who on TV while having lunch, and the decisions Picard took after disabling the Borg tractor beam... Well... It cost the lives of eighteen crewmen (who he refused to even acknowledge, possibly out of guilt) and I feel that he should have been at the very least, forced to explain his actions at a board of enquiry Please don't think that I'm bashing what you've done, as it was a fantastic read, those're just my thoughts on elements which reduced, rather than enhanced, dramatic tension
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,388
# 100
02-25-2013, 11:45 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by gulberat View Post
I just posted my response to the challenge, titled "The Call."

That story, as with some of yours, got much longer than I was expecting. I hope you like it, and would be interested to hear your feedback and what struck you as you were reading.

http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/sh...1&postcount=14
I really enjoyed this entry on several levels. The interaction between Alyosha and Admiral N'Riuw were rather amusing, but more than that, I loved the scene in which Alyosha was in his true form, and the differences in his perceptions of his surroundings compared to the normal Human condition, and how he was able to perceive the energy patterns in the beings explained excellently why he has such respect for life. I thought it was also a really nice touch as how th'Valek was almost aware of his presence on a subconscious level
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