Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 115
# 1 Star Trek: Allegiance Part 3
02-15-2013, 12:07 AM
Due to not wanting to have a bunch of text lumped onto the end of Part 3, I've decided to put in a 'deleted scene' as it were regarding Rodriquez's past with Section 31 as it MIGHT be significant to the story in the future.

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The following takes place 3 hours after the end of Star Trek: Allegiance Part 3 'Scavengers of the Storm'

Location: Vice Admiral Rodriquez's ready room, U.S.S. Glenn H. Curtiss

As New Tampa is being cleaned up after the attack from the Klingons, you have been requested by Captains Montgomery and Belar to join them in confronting Rodriquez about his past with Section 31 and the 'Mohegan Incident.'

The vice admiral's ready room, like the bridge, is buried deep within the ship. As such, the normal port hole has been replaced by large holographic screens on all four walls, the floor, and the ceiling. Each screen shows the view outside the carrier corresponding to its location in the room, creating the sense that his desk is floating in the middle of the task force. Only metal framing along the edges and the furniture break the illusion. As you enter you see Rodriquez standing behind his desk, facing away from the door and looking out 'ahead' of the Curtiss at the repairs going on to the hull of the Hartford. Agent Lupin is standing at right nearest corner of the desk, while Dwight Montgomery and Lazu Belar are waiting on the other side.


Lazu sees you enter and waits for the door to close behind you before speaking. "Alright, we're all here. Now do you mind explaining to us what this 'Mohegan Incident' is all about? Apparently Admiral Tailor was involved in what Haraguchi accused you of, but you've been ducking the question since 4028."

Rodriquez gave a sigh before turning around to face everyone else in the room. You can see whatever he is about to say has weighed on him for a long time. "The U.S.S. Mohegan was my first full command. She was a Cheyenne class, old ship but she performed well. At the time Ryha Marob was my XO, we had worked together for years beforehand."

He stepped out from behind his desk as he talked, walking over to the starboard view screen and examining your ship in the distance. "I wasn't in command more than 3 months before I got a visit from someone claiming to be from Starfleet Intelligence. I had had a run in with Section 31 before earlier in my career, and it wasn't long before I knew they had come calling again, or at least that's what I thought."

Dwight and Lazu glanced at each other, though Lupin kept a neutral expression as Rodriquez continued. "There was a scientist by the name of Ren Matsumura that was working on advanced phase-shift technology on a small research station in an asteroid belt in the Rolor Nebula. It was all very theoretical but if it worked it could pose a serious threat if it fell into the wrong hands. Section 31 had tried to recruit him before but had been rebuffed numerous times. The agent wanted Marob and I to go onto the station and speak with him, saying that Starfleet was interested in his work and wanted to assist him."

Lazu interrupted, guessing what came next. "Matsumura was Saiko's father, and I assume he told you to go someplace rather unpleasant?"

Lobo nodded, turning to face her. "Correct. He accused us of working for Section 31 and demanded we leave before we got a dozen sentences out. At that point the backup plan kicked in. If we couldn't get Matsumura to come along, we were to plant a listening device we were given so that he could be monitored to make sure someone unfriendly to the Federation wasn't trying to obtain the technology from him." His faced darkened a bit, eyes closing as he remembered what happened next.

An uncomfortable silence enveloped the room before Lupin broke it. "The device they ended up planting was not for monitoring, but for targeting. As soon as Rodriquez and Marob beamed back aboard the Mohegan the computer took control of tactical and fired a full broadside of phasers into the wing of the station Matsumura's lab was in. Five barrages were fired before they managed to kill the power to the weapons manually. When the dust cleared half the station was exposed to vacuum, including the living quarters of Kenji Haraguchi and his two children."

Montgomery and Belar shared a look of horror as they fully understood what had happened. "Admiral", Dwight stammered out, still in shock, "you're still willing to work with them after they did this?"

Lupin raised a hand as Belar looked ready to throw a chair at him. "Section 31 had nothing to do with it. The agent in question was acting without orders and completely against our protocols. Trust me, if we thought Matsumura was a threat we had plenty of more subtle means of dealing with him then shipboard weaponry. As it turned out the agent fled the Mohegan before Rodriquez got back, though we caught up with him eventually and made sure he paid for what he did."

Lazu relaxed her grip on the chair in front of her, looking back to Rodriquez. "And what does Tailor have to do with all of this?"

"As you can imagine there was an investigation into what happened." ,he replied, apparently more relaxed now that the secret was in the open. "Tailor led the board, but Section 31 was pulling the strings." Rodriquez glanced back at Lupin before continuing. "They knew if what had really happened ever came out it would cause problems for both them and Starfleet. They also couldn't just disappear an entire heavy cruiser's worth of crew, not without raising more questions, so they did what they do best...they lied."

Lupin continued where Rodriquez left off. "The board ruled that the Mohegan's systems had been infiltrated by an unknown hostile force which had caused the attack to sow chaos. A few groups got tossed around, but for the most part the report was quietly accepted and buried as another tragic episode in colonial space. As you might guess, Haraguchi didn't buy the official version for a second and now has a chance to get revenge on us and the admiral here with some gentle prodding by Thorn and Keller."

Dwight started to speak but was cut off as the intercom chimed, Commander Kissa?s voice coming through. "Vice Admiral, repairs to New Tampa are almost complete and Admiral Tailor would like to speak to you alone on the surface as soon as possible."

Rodriquez looked around at the people in his ready room. "Saved by the grumpy flag officer", he mused, though the joke was said with little mirth. He straightened his coat as he dismissed the other senior officers of the task force, walking out the door with Lupin in tow. Dwight and Lazu watched him leave, turning to each other as the door closed.

"Do you believe him?" Lazu asked, rubbing her hands as if unsure what to do.

"I don't know, it seems plausible but I still feel uneasy. Why so much overkill to take out one man? There must have been something else going on."

Both captains turn to you slowly. "What do you think?"

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Would love any feedback you might have regarding this mission, both good and bad. I'm hoping it will get out of review quickly, so if you've signed up to review content please give it a try when you can. Thank you.
Play Star Trek: Allegiance - my first series in the Foundry

Last edited by chicochavez; 02-26-2013 at 05:39 PM. Reason: Apparently the forums dont like word formatting
Lieutenant
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 79
# 2
02-17-2013, 01:35 AM
So I just played this episode. I am greatly enjoying the series so far but there is one bit of criticism I have for it.

There are so many characters and names that a lot of the time I can't follow what is really going on with the plot as well as I feel I should.

I'm not sure what to do to remedy this aside from removing some characters. For instance, maybe some of the fighter pilots could be subtly removed since they aren't as important as some other characters to the storyline.

Just a thought. Overall, this series is very enjoyable. Nice work!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 115
# 3
02-17-2013, 06:12 AM
@cecil08: First I want to thank you for your feedback.

When designing this series I am looking at it as if it was a TV miniseries or a stand alone game. You could look at Part 1 as a prologue and Part 2 as the true beginning/opening, where a lot of characters will be introduced, that's why you have the chance to meet so many the first time you go aboard the Curtiss. Those the the major characters you'll be interacting with for the rest of the series, including the pilots, and they will each have a part to play in development of the story.

When writing the rest of this series, I plan to have it that there are reminders as to who someone is so you arn't required to remember who everyone is, but there will be bits for those who do remember things from previous parts (i.e. Rosalino's sneezing). If desired I can make a list here as to the main characters who you really need to pay attention to.
Play Star Trek: Allegiance - my first series in the Foundry
Lieutenant
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 79
# 4
02-22-2013, 04:55 PM
Personally, I would like such a list though I realize maybe I'm in the minority when it comes to this concern.

Anyway, I look forward to the next part in the series
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 879
Quote:
Originally Posted by chicochavez View Post
Hey evil, I'm back with part three of my series. Already getting good reviews but would love to read your take on it.

Mission name - Star Trek: Allegiance Part 3
Author - chicochavez
Minimum Level - 31+
Allegiance - Federation
Project ID - ST-HQYXPHSIE
Estimated run time - Under 1 hour.

Also curious, have you been keeping track at all with the dilithium you've been getting from the new system? Had some fleet mates just start my series and they were picking up 1440 from the first two but a bit less from this one. I'm thinking 1440 might be the max for one hour of play, but curious to know if anyone else has seen something different. Figured you play so many missions you might have noticed a pattern by now.

Cheers.
Federation Mission - Star Trek: Allegiance Part 3
Author: chicochavez
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID - ST-HQYXPHSIE

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission in the series with good map design, tough, but fun battles, and riveting story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to all players, but nor on Elite.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good and very detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogues are great. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with the dialogue.

Mission Task: You should consider adding the start location, to include the sector, in the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Tundara System: This is a good map design with some fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Weather Starstreaks North South" seems to be bugged with the streaks going both directions at regular impulse. Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space than the other.
-Consider changing the location triggered combat for the "Intercept Incoming Hostiles" to another type of trigger. The location type of trigger works well on ground combat but may not work as well in space combat. If the player was previously engaged with enemy mobs they have most likely changed altitude during the combat. This will make it harder for them to find the location trigger point.

New Tampa: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

P.B.2.A.U. Mining: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-While the "Player Tip" is a nice short term fix to the map pathing issues you should this map to Cryptic so they can eventually fix it. Having to stop and dig your BOFF's out of the walls is annoying even if it is not your fault.
-Consider placing respawn points deeper into the map.

Battle of New Tampa: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Based on the current design for the map and story flow placing respawn points on this map would be difficult but you should consider it.

Abandoned Mining Facility: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider leaving a hole in the circle of people surrounding Tailor for the player to walk into and stand.
-The Helen Falco NPC is kneeling and scanning the whole time. Consider having her stand up like the other NPCs around Tailor.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission. I look forward to the next in the series and to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 02/24/2013 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".

Last edited by evil70th; 02-24-2013 at 04:08 PM.
Career Officer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 83
I reviewed the first part of the three part series.

I thought the overall production was good for your first Foundry story, but I did not like the plot or dialog in the story.

Feeling that I may have been harsh in the first review of the show, I played the episode again with a fleet mate. And, we reached the same conclusion.

[Spoil Alert] - if you have not played the show, please do not read any further.

For me the story breaks down at the holodeck.

You start the show going through 3 contacts that basically tell you that you are about to go on a super secret mission. The mission is so secret that this unknown person to the character hands you an illegal device to commit a felony and possible war crime in Starfleet.

There is no discussion with the bridge officers about the mission.

Also, I think the writer makes to many assumptions that have not been established in the story. I think the story spends to much time focusing on descriptive statements. Descriptive statements are good for a book or a poem, but in a format like this which is a screenplay, the audience can see what is going on. There is no reason for a descriptive statement.

For example, in the story, we go into the first scene to meet the Admiral in the holodeck. He is staged there looking out of the window. We can see him looking out of the window. There is no reason to tell the audience or reader that "...there is a man looking out of a window..."

The writer of the stories makes an assumption about Section 31.

In the same scene in the holodeck, the contact (whom we have never met) ask us if we know what Section 31 is, and we have 2 choices to make for dialog. But, many players in the game back-story are such that they are part of section 31.

Why would a player who has just met you, who was working for section 31 take the word of a unknown contact who has just confessed to establishing a secret organization with in Star Fleet Academy.

For that matter, why would a Star Fleet officer that is not part of Section 31 cooperate with the contact in this scene?

I do not think a Star Fleet officer would ever cooperate with this mission the way it is presented.

The opening scene is a pure violation of security protocols.

In security, especially military security, there is a thing called "two point integrity."

This means at all levels of security, there is always two people responsible for any highly sensitive material. Section 31 has already been established in the games lore as a intelligence agency. They gather data and information for military intelligence. A person handing you a single device and asking you to attach it to a Section 31 computer terminal would send warning signals to any Starfleet officer. The person handing you the device in this scene would be violating the two point integrity policy.

Also, a military commander would have had to verify the unknown contacts credibility here. In a game where every player is a Vice Admiral, that would be an important step.

In my case, my character is a Vice Admiral who is in command of a Fleet that is spread across 4 theaters of War. If it was up to me, I would have arrested all the cadets in the holodeck and anyone who came into contact with the Admiral there until I understood to my satisfaction that this guy was legitimate.

My first red flag occurred when they sent me to Starfleet Academy to discuss a secret mission.

Then further on, after the first several space battles. My group we kick the crap out of the enemy without any damage. The story dialog is written where the characters are always behind or in a losing situation.

The dialog seems out of place with what occurs in the story.

I think the stages are very well thought out in the story. The story has good balance in terms of combat and non-combat scenes, but the story itself is not the way a Star Trek story would progress.

I think the story makes to many assumptions for the player. To me it seemed that we could have skipped all the dialog because the character had no real impact on that. It seem to me that the writer was pushing the character into a bad situation. And, this was obvious from the opening scene in the holodeck room.

Now, after I reconsidered my first pass of the story as "...perhaps I was being hyper critical..." I came back several days later and reviewed the mission again with a friend. My friend came away with the same feeling.

For me, the story really rubs me the wrong way especially at the end. If it was me I would have arrested everyone in the final scene. I certainly would not have surrendered my ship. A captain of a Starfleet vessels first responsibility is to the ship and crew.

And, a Vice Admiral is responsible for a fleet. In the story, we have no idea who these new people are other than they claim to be Section 31. Section 31 would not have announced who they are over a subspace transmission.

Also, the dialog is not that of a professional military officer. Military officers do not communicate like that. Maybe in a cheap B rated movie where the writer does not really have experience dealing with military protocol. The one guy in black did not out rank me in the story. Even if he did, no commander has the authority to board another ship and seize people, that is considered piracy.

I do not like that the dialog uses profanity and forces the player to use profanity. My Vice Admiral is a Vulcan. She would not behave that way. I do not like how the script or story assumes all the players in the game are men.

The story has very big holes in the plot that can be corrected by reviewing Memory Alpha and Star Trek Online Wiki, and various sources of military protocol.

Many players in the game are military people. Myself, I was in the Navy and am very familiar with the way shipboard and fleet protocol is.

I think the behavior of all the people in this play are unprofessional. An officer would not display the dialog and behavior that would violate the UCMJ or Uniform Code of Military Justice.

I did give the story 1 star. I wanted to give it 2 stars because I felt you did a really good job in the production in the methods I described earlier. But, the story itself is not good. By story, I mean in the context that the dialog and the way the story plot progressed is not accurate for Star Trek.

Thank you

Feel fee to contact me on the Foundry chat channel or send me a email if you want better clarification on what I described here. My goal is to help you be a better writer for Star Trek.

Klytemnestra@klytemnestra
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 101
# 7
03-10-2013, 08:18 PM
Thank you for the deleted scene! I am LOVING ST: Allegiance so far, and I can't wait for the next installment!

Literally the ONLY thing I can think of to criticize is the sheer abundance of characters. Like cecil08, I have a hard time keeping all the names straight. Don't get me wrong, I think you do a pretty good job bringing most of them to life, like Toro (who I maaay have a little bit of a crush on) or the fighter pilots. You've mentioned that you're planning to include little reminders so us players can remember who everyone is, which is great. Because even if it isn't completely necessary for us to remember every single character's name, it's still incredibly frustrating to see a face but not quite be able to place where we saw it last.

Thank you again!

Last edited by thepopeofbeers; 03-10-2013 at 08:29 PM.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 115
# 8
03-12-2013, 10:05 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by thepopeofbeers View Post
Thank you for the deleted scene! I am LOVING ST: Allegiance so far, and I can't wait for the next installment!

Literally the ONLY thing I can think of to criticize is the sheer abundance of characters. Like cecil08, I have a hard time keeping all the names straight. Don't get me wrong, I think you do a pretty good job bringing most of them to life, like Toro (who I maaay have a little bit of a crush on) or the fighter pilots. You've mentioned that you're planning to include little reminders so us players can remember who everyone is, which is great. Because even if it isn't completely necessary for us to remember every single character's name, it's still incredibly frustrating to see a face but not quite be able to place where we saw it last.

Thank you again!
Glad you enjoyed that extra scene, I'm planning on doing one for each of the remaining episodes to both expand on the characters as well as give some more information regarding the plot in general. While they won't be required to understand what's going on they'll add that little extra that might make some scenes more memorable.
Play Star Trek: Allegiance - my first series in the Foundry
Ensign
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 1
# 9 Awesome series
10-10-2013, 08:17 PM
Hey Chico first off I have to say I am a big fan of your work. That said I've noticed that you haven't posted anything new in a while I was curious if there had been a delay in your story generating or something. If this is the case I would like to offer any support I can give you if you need it.
Republic Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 75
# 10
12-10-2013, 11:18 AM
played all your missions so far and cant wait 4 the next part!!!!
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