Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,562
# 21
04-04-2013, 03:47 AM
Made short, because It's late.
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,609
# 22
04-04-2013, 07:21 AM
@asardetemplari - was that the Mirror Universe during TOS, or some other alt-universe? The idea of Vulcans seeking to start a war with, well, anyone doesn't really fit into the Prime universe at any point since Surak's Reformation, which predates Vulcan contact with Klingons by quite a few years (not sure of the timeline for Klingon history, but I'm pretty sure that they weren't a warp-capable species 5000 years ago, either).

The bioweapon issue, though, is a nice touch - my first thought was, "Oh Lord, SCP-008 has broken containment again!" It just doesn't seem like something Vulcans would do, you know? Romulans, maybe - at least the ones under the thumb of the Tal Shiar. Possibly Klingons, although they would most likely regard it as dishonorable to attack an enemy with a virus. Section 31? Sure, I could believe Section 31 working on a T-virus. But not Vulcans.
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I'm old enough not to care too much about what you think of me --
But I'm young enough to remember the future, the way things ought to be...

- Rush, "Cut To the Chase", Counterparts
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,297
# 23
04-04-2013, 01:05 PM
Whew!

Reviews on previous posts coming!

Cast:
Kathryn Beringer - Rachel Nichols
Aanthi Ythysi - Katheryn Winnek
Karl Malango - Jeremy Renner
Aldet Tdeni - Idris Elba
Christa Harrington - Emily Bett Rikards
Omazei - Malin Akerman
Daikar - Billy Zane
Lone Orion - Dwayne Johnson
Kathryn S. Beringer - The Dawn Patrol

Solaris build - Veritatum Liquido Cernene
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 513
# 24
04-04-2013, 02:47 PM
@amurorx0: A rather interesting story, but I'd have preferred to actually see the action. And it seems like Cagalli tends to create quite a lot of unique pieces of technology... hopefully that doesn't come back to bite her anytime soon.

@cmdrscarlet: And another good story. Something tells me that Kathryn is going to end up fighting those particular Orions many times over the next few challenges...
Originally KiraYamato before the Account Linking - True Join Date August 2008

"In the game of war, there are no clear rules you can follow." - Andrew Waltfeld
Career Officer
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,219
# 25
04-04-2013, 02:48 PM
@asardetemplari - Interesting concept. A bit implausible as jonsills mentioned, but I could buy rogue elements within the VSA applying their own "logic" to a wartime situation. These are the people who came up with Red Matter, after all. I liked the ending with your anonymous captain severing ties with Starfleet. Makes a good setup for future stories about a mercenary ex-Starfleet officer.

@patrickngo - Loved it! Loved your disgruntled Orion Captain, the crew of miscreants, the random profanity thrown in, the [censored, very bad word]... Also liked the inventive use of slang (ridge-heads, Fek-tech, etc.) Great stuff!

@cmdrscarlet - Very nice piece of work! A great bit of blood-and-guts action that shows more of what Captain Beringer is made of. Thanks again for the helpful links back to prior entries for bits of context.


"Freedom is just a pretty idea unless it's backed by Force."

The Masterverse Timeline / Ten Forward Fanfics
Captain
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 951
# 26
04-04-2013, 04:54 PM
Well, mine appears to have taken the POV of the shipboard action instead of following the TRT on the station. But I hope it's still an enjoyable read. Will go up tomorrow when I've finished the ending. And instead of having random isolated stories in these things, I'm starting writing these 'in canon' for my ship and crew now, so consequences will start having knock on effects.
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A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,307
# 27
04-04-2013, 05:00 PM
I've been writing all day, so not had a chance to catch up on the latest entries, but I shall do so and give feedback ASAP (although I am about to turn in for the night, and do have a busy day planned tomorrow...)

For your entertainment...

For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...

Amanda Palmer - Courtney Cox
Ramesh Kumar - Dev Patel
T'Natra - Gal Gadot
Brandon Mayer - Jason Lewis
Meliden Bowen - Eve Myles
Claire - Lacey Chabert
Elyse Fisher - Emily Blunt
Bellic Chanos - Vin Diesel
Arlandria Chambers - Emily VanCamp
th'Shaan - James Marsters
Klingon - Tommy Lister
Anton Jarre - David Giuntoli
Gustav Rotwang - Hugo Weaving
Va'Kel Shon - Ed Harris
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 513
# 28
04-04-2013, 06:57 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
I've been writing all day, so not had a chance to catch up on the latest entries, but I shall do so and give feedback ASAP (although I am about to turn in for the night, and do have a busy day planned tomorrow...)

For your entertainment...

For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...

Amanda Palmer - Courtney Cox
Ramesh Kumar - Dev Patel
T'Natra - Gal Gadot
Brandon Mayer - Jason Lewis
Meliden Bowen - Eve Myles
Claire - Lacey Chabert
Elyse Fisher - Emily Blunt
Bellic Chanos - Vin Diesel
Arlandria Chambers - Emily VanCamp
th'Shaan - James Marsters
Klingon - Tommy Lister
Anton Jarre - David Giuntoli
Gustav Rotwang - Hugo Weaving
Va'Kel Shon - Ed Harris
A very interesting entry there, Marcus.

And wow, a weapon that destabilizes a star's gravity... that would be POTENT.

I'm still trying to hash out potential details for any entry I would make. I definitely know what the Technology I'd be protecting would be, though...
Originally KiraYamato before the Account Linking - True Join Date August 2008

"In the game of war, there are no clear rules you can follow." - Andrew Waltfeld
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 146
# 29
04-04-2013, 10:50 PM
@ sharpie65 - the content is fine, but you might want to flesh out some more details by adding descriptive sentences. Since you are introducing 3 new ships (assuming we should know who runs the Enterprise), this would be helpful. Example: Onboard the U.S.S. Aquileia, Admiral Aubrey stood up and walked over to the tactical officer. "Hail the task group...

It's also a no-no to start sentences with an Arabic numeral - they normally get spelled out (at least where I'm from, or maybe I'm just old).

Oh and I like the word "whilst." (Seriously.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by asardetemplari View Post
Here is mine.


Also, my first lit challenge I thought I would try for sherry and giggles.
I admit to not getting the sherry and giggles reference. Anyway, that was an odd zombie story. I don't see why Vulcans would want to start a war, but maybe you can explain that one later.

Other questions/comments:
So the door opens, and outside are my Terran crew, looking at me. Incredulously, I asked, "What are you staring at?"

The Trill piped up,
This was confusing since the first sentence implies that most (if not all) of your crew is Terran. Second, you might want to consider some sort of break near the end. The transition from the past to the present wasn't clear to me. Finally, you also started a sentence with an Arabic numeral. Is that allowed these days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
I've been writing all day
I am jealous. But then again, no one would pay me for what I write, so my job pays infinitely more than that...
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,562
# 30
04-05-2013, 12:06 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sander233 View Post
@asardetemplari - Interesting concept. A bit implausible as jonsills mentioned, but I could buy rogue elements within the VSA applying their own "logic" to a wartime situation. These are the people who came up with Red Matter, after all. I liked the ending with your anonymous captain severing ties with Starfleet. Makes a good setup for future stories about a mercenary ex-Starfleet officer.
"Logic" can lead to some...frightening conclusions and decisions, I liked how that mission shook out.
Quote:
@patrickngo - Loved it! Loved your disgruntled Orion Captain, the crew of miscreants, the random profanity thrown in, the [censored, very bad word]... Also liked the inventive use of slang (ridge-heads, Fek-tech, etc.) Great stuff!
D'Moj has MANY issues, hopefully I'll be able to write some good stories for her in future challenges, including actual action and speaking parts. This challenge said "Log Entry" so I went with a lot of internal monologue instead of fun dialogue and action scenes.

Quote:
@cmdrscarlet - Very nice piece of work! A great bit of blood-and-guts action that shows more of what Captain Beringer is made of. Thanks again for the helpful links back to prior entries for bits of context.
Well set-up, and nice to have backstory to reference, I see a few entries that tell me I've got a LOT of work to do to make it into the upper tiers on these challenges.
"when you're out of Birds of Prey, you're out of ships."
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