Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 884
Hi, so this is my very first fan-fic! Please be nice, and give some constructive critiscism in the comments! Here it goes:

General Keshka was angry. His crew knew the signs, and began guessing someone would most likely be executed, so they stayed out of his way. He stepped into Bekk Moks quarters. 'Stupid Pataq' roared Keshka. The Bekk turned to him, fear and surprise on his face 'Uhhh, sir, what are you doing?' the bekk lied, backing away under Keshkas glare. 'Like you don't know' snarled the General. The Bekk suprised him, with a D'k Tagh. 'Fine, I'll tell you the truth. I'm an undercover Starfleet agent. And you're going to let me go in pea-' The Bekk was cut short as Keshka launched a volley of Disruptor bolts at him. He crumpled to the ground. Keshka heard a chirp of his Communicator, 'First Commander, what is it?' inquired the General
His First Commander, K'Gan, replied: 'High command has a message for you, sir' Keshka told him to reroute it to the War-room. 'Yes, sir' responded K'Gan. Keshka ran up to the elevator. As soon as he stepped in, the elevator moved upwards 'Bridge' ordered Keshka. A few moments later, the doors came apart, and he stepped inside the bridge. The Top command of the ship where all ready in the room apparently, he thought as he stepped into the War-Room. 'Qapla' greeted the crew. Keshka stepped inside, and played the message. He was greeted by the face of General Qov'Bla, the Head of Battle tactics. 'General Keshka, I assume you want to spill Federation blood?' Keshka nodded, even though he knew that it was a recorded message. 'There is a fleet gathering in the Quv sector. I expect you to be there. Qov'Bla out.' The message ended.
Keshka looked at his crew, 'I assume you know what to do?' asked Keshka. All his officers nodded. 'Good, set course for the co-ordinates, NOW' Ordered Keshka. The officers and Keshka stepped out, and set course for the fleet. 'Mak'cha' ordered Keshka. The I.K.S. Ch'Kok engaged it's warp engines, and set course for the fleet...

TO BE CONTINUED!

Thanks for reading guys, please leave suggestions in the comments

THANKS,
jmaster29

Last edited by jmaster29; 03-07-2014 at 09:22 PM.
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 884
# 2
03-07-2014, 10:20 PM
Hmmph, I just realised there was a typo in the title. It's meant to be 'By' not 'my'. Apologies
Captain
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 884
# 3 Part 2!
03-08-2014, 01:46 PM
Ok, here's part two:

The I.K.S. Ch'Kok finally reached the fleet. 'Sir, They're contacting us' said First commander K'Gan.
'On main viewer' ordered Keshka. A face appeared on the screen. The face of one of Keshkas closest friends. 'Klor, good to see you!' boomed the voice on the screen. 'Klor' was the name that only Keshkas friends called him by. 'Qapla'' greeted Keshka.
His comm officer beckoned him over. 'Sir, the I.K.S. Mojka is telling us to transport over' Keshka nodded. 'First Commander? Follow me!' ordered Keshka.

I.K.S. MOJKA
Keshka and K'Gan beamed over. The two Klingons walked to the elevator. 'Bridge' Ordered Keshka, fully aware he was giving orders to a elevator. There was absolutely NO movement. K'Gan began laughing heartily. 'You do realise that Moghs don't have voice controlled elevators. I hope?'
asked K'Gan, a grin on his face. 'Yes, of course I knew that, subordinate' Keshka huffed. He pressed a few buttons, and the elevator roared up. Soon, they reached the War-Room. The two stepped in. 'Ah, KEshka, greetings!' said one of the Generals. 'You're late' snarled Minister Yovpok.
'We where just discussing what we're going to attack.' Yovpok glared at Keshka. 'And that would be?' asked KEshka. 'Earth. We're going to attack the Sol System'


THE END!
I'm gonna write a new one, continuing off from this, but from a Fed perspective.
Please give me feedback! Thanks!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 146
# 4
03-08-2014, 06:39 PM
Your entries are very short, and with short entries, it's hard to have enough information to keep the reader interested. Here we learn that a Klingon captain kills someone else onboard (not sure who or why) and then finds out that he is going to attack Earth. I suggest adding more details to keep it interesting - why should we care about that captain or the dead person? Why is this attack unusual?

Also, try reading it out loud. You'll likely notice a few places that sound awkward.

Finally, you have some formatting issues (like no commas at the end of quotations) that can be easily fixed.

Feel free to poke holes in my latest story.
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:06 AM.