Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,446
# 21
04-30-2014, 02:20 PM
This idea came to me once the challenge was posted. A bit of a DEM ending, and some 'mature themes' within, but please enjoy

For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...

Ael - Faith Wladyka
Salis Kazanak - Peter Gallagher
Brandon Meyer - Chris Carmack
Cecil Bernardez - Diego Boneta
T'Reya - Emily Ratajkowski
Scolak - Sacha Baron Cohen
Marcus Kane - Matt Bomer
I'sH'd - Alexander Skarsgard
A'sh'Rh - Claire Coffee
Ael t'Kazanak - Cobie Smulders
S'rR's - Amy Smart
Bellic Chanos - Vin Diesel
Meliden Bowen - Eve Myles
Elyse Fisher - Emily Blunt
Brandon Mayer - Jason Lewis
Claire - Lacey Chabert
Survivor of Romulus
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 6,004
# 22
04-30-2014, 02:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
This idea came to me once the challenge was posted. A bit of a DEM ending, and some 'mature themes' within, but please enjoy

For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...

Ael - Faith Wladyka
Salis Kazanak - Peter Gallagher
Brandon Meyer - Chris Carmack
Cecil Bernardez - Diego Boneta
T'Reya - Emily Ratajkowski
Scolak - Sacha Baron Cohen
Marcus Kane - Matt Bomer
I'sH'd - Alexander Skarsgard
A'sh'Rh - Claire Coffee
Ael t'Kazanak - Cobie Smulders
S'rR's - Amy Smart
Bellic Chanos - Vin Diesel
Meliden Bowen - Eve Myles
Elyse Fisher - Emily Blunt
Brandon Mayer - Jason Lewis
Claire - Lacey Chabert
Claire, Claire, Claire, you naughty AI...

Yeah, very DEM ending. It also seems sort of clipped and short; but then again, so does mine. A limitation of the medium.

Overall, a good if sometimes creepy read.
Founder and Grand Vizier of the Sovereign Ba'al joke. Hail Ba'al!
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Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,446
# 23
04-30-2014, 02:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by worffan101 View Post
Claire, Claire, Claire, you naughty AI...

Yeah, very DEM ending. It also seems sort of clipped and short; but then again, so does mine. A limitation of the medium.

Overall, a good if sometimes creepy read.
I wanted to try and avoid the solution taken in the original novel, and figured in this case, some subroutine within Claire would simply make her take the most direct course of action... Only problem with that being, once it was done, so was the story...

Glad you enjoyed it though, and it was suitably disturbing
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,203
# 24
04-30-2014, 05:07 PM
I remember that book! Nice tribute to it! I have to say, though...you seem to have added more evidence to the need for a ship AI ban...
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Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,446
# 25
04-30-2014, 05:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by gulberat View Post
I remember that book! Nice tribute to it! I have to say, though...you seem to have added more evidence to the need for a ship AI ban...
I think it was the first TNG novel I read, and I figured that perhaps those aliens sent more than one museum out onto the universe, and perhaps Data never got round to releasing his interpretation of their legacy for it to be public knowledge (bearing in mind that as Elyse is the ship's Section 31 presence, she has reason to know obscure stuff like that )

And yes, Claire somewhat overstepped the mark here in terms of independent action, although that is effectively what the Vanguard was designed to do, and she took the most logical course of action...

I am somewhat disappointed by the abruptness of the end, but as mentioned, once she decided to take action, the story was essentially over...
Survivor of Romulus
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 6,004
# 26
04-30-2014, 05:49 PM
Another minor quibble, marcus: The Meyer scene is...creepy, and not in a good way.

I think that it might've worked better if you'd used vaguer language, and focused more on Meyer's visceral gut reaction. And maybe a bit of Meyer rebelling against the nightmare and beating up the bastard, but that's just me.
Founder and Grand Vizier of the Sovereign Ba'al joke. Hail Ba'al!
My official eternal issue: Why no muscle definition slider? Let's have some equal-opportunity sexiness, Cryptic!
PWE: NO to mandatory ARC! At least make it optional!
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,446
# 27
04-30-2014, 06:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by worffan101 View Post
Another minor quibble, marcus: The Meyer scene is...creepy, and not in a good way.

I think that it might've worked better if you'd used vaguer language, and focused more on Meyer's visceral gut reaction. And maybe a bit of Meyer rebelling against the nightmare and beating up the bastard, but that's just me.
Tweaked it a bit, although to be honest, I did want it to be disturbing... To be fair, Mayer did fight back against the nightmare, and the event was not one which actually happened in his presence, but a subconscious reaction to what he knew Bernardez had done to Ael (and which he could do absolutely nothing about) Same as I doubt I'sH'd truly thinks his wife will murder him...

Last edited by marcusdkane; 04-30-2014 at 06:13 PM.
Survivor of Romulus
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 6,004
# 28
04-30-2014, 06:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
Tweaked it a bit, although to be honest, I did want it to be disturbing... To be fair, Mayer did fight back against the nightmare, and the event was not one which actually happened in his presence, but a subconscious reaction to what he knew Bernardez had done to Ael (and which he could do absolutely nothing about) Same as I doubt I'sH'd truly thinks his wife will murder him...
Looks better now, IMHO.

And I understand.

And, absolutely on the third point.
Founder and Grand Vizier of the Sovereign Ba'al joke. Hail Ba'al!
My official eternal issue: Why no muscle definition slider? Let's have some equal-opportunity sexiness, Cryptic!
PWE: NO to mandatory ARC! At least make it optional!
Captain
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,446
# 29
04-30-2014, 06:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by worffan101 View Post
Looks better now, IMHO.

And I understand.

And, absolutely on the third point.
Cool I nearly wrote the scene between Bernardez and Ael, but knew that really would have crossed a line I didn't want to cross, so did what I did instead, although I have to admit, the scene between Marcus and T'Reya was the most fun to write
Survivor of Romulus
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 6,004
# 30
04-30-2014, 06:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by marcusdkane View Post
Cool I nearly wrote the scene between Bernardez and Ael, but knew that really would have crossed a line I didn't want to cross, so did what I did instead, although I have to admit, the scene between Marcus and T'Reya was the most fun to write
The Marcus/T'Reya scene came off as a bit of blatant fanservice, but that's a good thing in this case. I likes my fanservice.

On the bold text: Agreed. That would've been like me writing Adani's last hours in detail.

Edit to add: I'm a big fan of Tamora Pierce's Protector of the Small series. The protagonist is EXACTLY the kind of woman I like, and I ship RaoulxBuri (two fairly important characters) heavily (and it's a canon ship, too, so don't look at me like that!). The reason I mention this is because the villain of the fourth book is an evil wizard called Blayse the Gallan. He's a scrawny, nail-biting, ratlike sadistic psychopath who gets his kicks by having his goons kidnap children, treating them like little princes/princesses...and then killing them one by one in a particularly horrifying manner in order to bind their minds and souls to power horrific insectlike war machines.

I have never enjoyed a villain's death more than I enjoyed Blayse's decapitation at the hands of the protagonist. And I swore to myself that I'd NEVER write anything as bad as Blayse. Seriously, that guy was horrifying.

Hell, even THREE would agree with me that Blayse is one sick f*ck. Units at least have the decency to kill people to their faces.
Founder and Grand Vizier of the Sovereign Ba'al joke. Hail Ba'al!
My official eternal issue: Why no muscle definition slider? Let's have some equal-opportunity sexiness, Cryptic!
PWE: NO to mandatory ARC! At least make it optional!

Last edited by worffan101; 04-30-2014 at 07:09 PM.
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