Career Officer
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 30
# 1 New Mission: "Timeless"
08-02-2014, 12:59 PM
This is the sequel to my first Foundry mission "Foothold" (ID: ST-HN6PZ5EJS). Looking for some reviews and feedback.

Title: "Timeless"
Author: @wildkazoo
ID: ST-HPX4833Z6
Faction: Federation
Level: 41+
Length: 40 - 75 minutes.

Description:
Fabrications: part II

Your success with recovering the data from Starbase 82 in Foothold has brought you to the attention of Admiral Boatwright. He is calling on you to venture into a system laden with mysterious temporal anomalies and rescue the crews of two missing starships. The U.S.S. Farnsworth, carrying valuable experimental Starfleet technologies, has gone missing. Another starship, the U.S.S. Lahan, was sent to find it. But contact was lost with the Lahan as well. What is to be found in the Maro System? What dangers lurk in a system fraught with time?
Starfleet Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 846
Quote:
Originally Posted by wildkazoo View Post
Mind adding mine to your review list?

Title: Timeless
Author: wildkazoo
ID: ST-HPX4833Z6
Faction: Federation
Level: 41+
Length: 40 - 75 minutes.

This is a sequel to Foothold (ID: ID: ST-HN6PZ5EJS)

Description:
Fabrications: part II

Your success with recovering the data from Starbase 82 in Foothold has brought you to the attention of Admiral Boatwright. He is calling on you to venture into a system laden with mysterious temporal anomalies and rescue the crews of two missing starships. The U.S.S. Farnsworth, carrying valuable experimental Starfleet technologies, has gone missing. Another starship, the U.S.S. Lahan, was sent to find it. But contact was lost with the Lahan as well. What is to be found in the Maro System? What dangers lurk in a system fraught with time?
Federation Mission - Timeless
Author: wildkazoo
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPX4833Z6

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission with good map designs, fun; story oriented combat and excellent story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who enjoy a good story driven mission.

The recommendation to remove the first map and modify the Mission Entry Prompt is based on the fact that there are no real story elements that are supported by the map. In short it does not serve a purpose in the story. I understand that authors occasionally feel the need to provide some sort of transition between maps in the story but that transition should support the story in some way. A map that you enter, receive initial dialogue, cross the map and then transfer to the next just does not serve that purpose. I hope that clears up any questions or concerns regarding this recommendation.

Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the mission start location for the first custom map. The mission description is easily reviewable by a player at anytime during the mission. This will help them find the start location and free up your initial task for use in the mission itself. Yes this is a change in my normal review policy on this issue.

Grant Mission Dialogue: The initial grant and follow on dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task. I have recently changed my review policy regarding the placement of the start location for the first custom map. There is nothing wrong with having it in the initial task however I now recommend placement of the location in the description which is reviewable by the player at anytime during the mission. This would free up the initial task to be used for mission oriented information or tasking.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt; however based on my recommendation for the first map I recommend you rewrite this as indicated on that map.

MAPS:
Celes System: This is a nice map but having this map does not really serve any purpose in the mission. Specifically I recommend you remove this map and rewrite the Mission Entry Prompt to have the player beam directly to the U.S.S. Arpasia.

U.S.S. Arpasia: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Based on my previous recommendation for the Celes System map and Mission Entry Prompt consider making this your first custom map of the mission.
-The Admiral Boatwright dialogue; consider changing "You partinered with it" to read "You partnered with it".
- Since we entered the map at the transporter pad we should depart from there. Consider changing the map departure point to be from the transporter pad vice anywhere on the map.

Maro VII: This is a good map design with some balanced battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

U.S.S. Lahan: This is a good map design and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Maro III: This is a good map design with some balanced battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Ferengi ship "Almighty Latinum" has Photonic Galor ships assisting it in battle. I imagine this is due to the Ferengi skin being placed on a Cardassian ship. Based on one of the battles on the Maro VII map with a Cardassian ship was that ship also supposed to be a Ferengi ship? I ask because this all seems inconsistent. If it is intended then you need to reexamine the Ferengi ship on this map and make sure what enemy unit you are using with the Ferengi skin.

U.S.S. Farnsworth: This is a good map design with balanced battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

U.S.S. Arpasia: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/01/2014 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request. The specific report in that posting can also be viewed here: Mission Critique Report - Timeless
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "In depth mission reports upon request" for details. Also see Evil 70th's list of missions at "Evil 70th's Missions".
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 124
# 3
10-10-2014, 02:39 PM
Does it pick up immediately after its predecessor or is it written as a good chunk of time going by in between missions?
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