Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 1 We are the Boarg!
03-13-2010, 01:07 AM
I came up with this a while back, but it was bad timing. Also, I didn't want it to be too long.

Once upon a time a malfunctioning drone assimilated a valley of large alien boars. Their biological distinctions caused chaos and stupidity among the collective. "It must have been something you assimilated," said the E.M.H, attempting to treat the drone in his medical bay. The E.M.H sought to liberate the individual from the collective by removing Borg implants, but in his present state the voices of the alien boars were causing problems and the implants had become very volatile and life-threatening.

So the E.M.H disconnected the link thereby curing both the patient and the collective. Meanwhile the alien boars had been left in their own little collective where there were no other voices to confuse their language. The procedure was underway, but all was not well for a new enemy appeared. There, in the nebula, in a cube made of stone and earth filled with mud for the boars to wallow in.

"We are the Boarg! (grunt) resistance is futile. You will surrender the prisoner." "Prisoner," wondered the captain. "Hmm, I think we have an ensign who keeps a small pig for a pet. Her name was," the first officer paused, but could not remember. "We will give you the pig," hailed the Captain, but after speaking the Boarg cube rammed itself into the ship.

"Sir, they have transported into the ship," said the ensign. "Red alert," the captain sounded. Little did they know the Board had beamed into the mess hall where they rammed people with their tusks and ate the food on the tables. When they finished with this they replicated more, and more, and more, By the time a security team had found them the Boarg were too tired to offer any resistance.

"Beam them out of here and take us to warp," ordered the captain, but the beam was somehow reversed; beaming mud from the Boarg cube to the ship instead of beaming the Boarg to the cube. Just then ship shook with another bombardment of the boarg cube, which was beginning to mold itself into a giant boar shaped vessel.

"Sir, the doctors program has been stolen by the Boarg," reported the lieutenant. "We're being hailed." "On screen," said the captain. "This is the E.M.H, my physical perameters have been changed to that of my captors and my ethical subroutines have been deleted. The boarg that are beaming onto your ship now possess the ability to genetically engineer you into boars upon assimilation."

"Captain," said the medical assistant. "I have analyzed this drone. The assimilation tubicals extend from the horn and are most likely designed to penetrate the rear. We should begin replicating some chastity belts to protect ourselves." "No, I have another idea," said the Captain. "What if we lure them into a holodeck program filled with elements the Boarg will respond to. Endangered swine, angry farmers, wild beasts, food and mud, and meanwhile we'll beam over an away team and sabotage their ship from the inside."

So it came to pass that the Boarg were distracted, but the E.M.H was not amused. "I should warn you Captain, there is a viral agent in the Boargs excretions which even now is spreading on your ship. There's even more of it over here, so don't even think about sending over an away team.."

"I thought we added backup measures to the doctors program in case this happened."
"I'm sorry Captain," said the engineer. "The best I could do was add a subroutine that makes him extremely proud so that he'll at least inform us what's happening. Since we know about the virus we may be able to synthesize a pathogen and modify some space suits to protect us on their ship."

"Good idea," said the Captain. "Meanwhile lets get out of here. Go to warp."
"Sir, we're caught in a tractor beam and the Boarg ship is clenching the ship in it's tusks."
"We are the Boarg," a dark voice squealed over the com. "This is swineship designation 001. You will be assimilated."

Faced with a grave situation the Captain activated the self destruct sequence. Then, from out of nowhere, a Borg cube showed up and began to fire upon the swineship. The Boarg released their tusks to ram the cube, causing considerable damage. "Get us out of here," ordered the Captain. "Sir, we can't. Our engines were damaged in that last attack."

"The two Borgs are attacking each other. If we're going to save the doctor and get through this we need to act now. Assemble an away team."


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