Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 1 I'd like to do better :-)
12-23-2010, 12:53 PM
Hi everybody,

I've been reading through the comments on my mission "The Longing"*. Many of you have pointed out, that grammar and spelling are a bit bumpy. The problem is, I'm no native speaker and I did the best I could in order to fix English errors, by copying the whole mission text to Word and doing a grammar and spell check there.

However, Word is not perfect and still many reviewers point me to the dialog. Since I am at a dead end and want to fix the mission, so players may enjoy it without being molested by nasty language glitches, I ask for your help.

You can browse a complete transcript of the mission here. If you have a STOwiki account, please leave corrections on the discussion page, if you don't please leave corrections in this thread. Obviously, I would encourage you to play the mission first, before you spoil yourself by reading the transcript.

Thank you very much and have a nice Christmas,
Rachel

*Thanks a lot for the great reception.

Edit: Just got word from Stormshade, that the mission is among a handful that will be ported to Holodeck. The mission has to be finished on Monday (January 24th), so if you have the time to check it out over the WE, please do so and leave me some comments here regarding any problems you find.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 2
12-23-2010, 07:25 PM
Your mission was mentioned on the STOked video podcast (and quite favorably, I might add).

I look forward to playing it this weekend.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
12-23-2010, 07:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelGarrett View Post
Hi everybody,

I've been reading through the comments on my mission "The Longing"*. Many of you have pointed out, that grammar and spelling are a bit bumpy. The problem is, I'm no native speaker and I did the best I could in order to fix English errors, by copying the whole mission text to Word and doing a grammar and spell check there.

However, Word is not perfect and still many reviewers point me to the dialog. Since I am at a dead end and want to fix the mission, so players may enjoy it without being molested by nasty language glitches, I ask for your help.

You can browse a complete transcript of the mission here. If you have a STOwiki account, please leave corrections on the discussion page, if you don't please leave corrections in this thread. Obviously, I would encourage you to play the mission first, before you spoil yourself by reading the transcript.

Thank you very much and have a nice Christmas,
Rachel

*Thanks a lot for the great reception.
I don't have a STOwiki account, but I can help you. I'll post the relevant portions here in this thread. So far, I don't really see a whole lot that needs to be changed, just some punctuation marks here and there.

From the beginning:

Sector Space

A Federation colony is caught in the crossfire, when the Borg are coming after a rather unique life form, in their quest for perfection.

Go to the Noro System in the Gamma Orionis Sector Block and defend the New Nagasaki Colony against the Borg.

Correction:

A Federation colony is caught in the crossfire, after the Borg, in their quest for perfection, have set their sights on a unique life form on the planet.

Go to the Noro System, in the Gamma Orionis Sector Block, and defend the New Nagasaki Colony against the Borg.

----------

New Nagasaki, a Federation colony in the Noro System is under siege from a Borg fleet.

We have no idea, why the Collective is engaging the settlement, since it is of no strategic importance and the settlers’ technology is relatively antiquated. I was certain, that we would have way more time to evacuate the planet.

But now academic discussions won't get us anywhere, will they? The Borg want to assimilate that world and we need to stop them. The U.S.S. Mayflower is already there to assist, but I'd like to add the [ShipName]'s firepower to the colony's defense.
Dismissed!

Correction:

New Nagasaki, a Federation Colony in the Noro System, is under siege from a Borg fleet.

We have no idea why the Collective is engaging the Settlement. It is on no strategic importance, and the settler's technology is relatively antiquated. I was certain we would have more time to evacuate the planet.

But, academic discussions won't get us anywhere, will they? The Borg want to assimilate that world, and we need to stop them. The U.S.S. Mayflower is already there, but, I'd like to add the [ShipName]'s firepower to the colony's defense.

Dismissed!

----------

The U.S.S. Mayflower is in orbit of the planet and has engaged the Borg. She has taken quite a beating, but I am reading no Borg life signs on the surface yet.

Correction:

The U.S.S. Mayflower is in orbit of the planet, and has engaged the Borg. She has taken quite a beating, but I'm not reading any Borg life signs on the surface, yet.

----------

If we are lucky we can make it to the Transwarp Gate on our own without a tug, but we are in no shape to confront the Borg anytime soon.

Correction:

If we are lucky, we can make it to the Transwarp Gate on our own, without a tow. We are in no shape to confront the Borg anytime soon.

----------

But there is something else. My science officer has picked up a pretty strong life sign from down there. It looks like a silicon based organism. If we can read it, so can the Borg.

This must be an irresistible target for assimilation. Silicon based life is not you every day’s breakfast, even if you rule half the galaxy.

Correction:

But there is something else. My science officer has picked up a strong life sign down there. It appears to be a silicon-based organism. If we can read it, so can the Borg.

This must be an irresistible target for assimilation. Silicon-based life is not an everyday occurrence, even if you rule half the galaxy.

----------

This is very peculiar, since two science expeditions cleared this world for colonization before the settlers arrived. But we have nothing like this on record.

We should beam down and prepare these people for evacuation. When the Borg come back to assimilate this life form, the settlers will be in their way.

When there is time to spare we should also try to learn more about these beings. If prior expeditions did not find them, they could be some kind of alien invaders.

Correction:

This is very peculiar. Two science expeditions cleared this world before the colonists arrived. There is nothing like this life-form in the Federation database.

We should beam down, and prepare these people for evacuation. When the Borg come to assimilate this life-form, the colonists will be in their way.

If there is time, we should try to learn more about these beings. Since prior expeditions didn't find them, they could be some kind of invaders.

----------

We are Federation citizens, and as head of New Nagasaki's government I tell you to help us defend this world against the Borg. If you can't do that, take your pretty starship and leave us alone.

Correction:

We are Federation citizens, and, as head of New Nagasaki's government, I order you to help us defend this colony. If you can't do that, take your pretty starship, and leave us alone.

----------

But we can't protect the colony either. Sooner or later we may suffer the same fate as the Mayflower or even worse.

Correction:

But, we can't protect the colony, either. Sooner or later, we may suffer the same fate as the Mayflower, or worse.

----------

Our best shot would be to hide the creatures behind a subspace-fold. It's not as elaborated as a real cloaking device, but we could use some of the colony's hardware to do it.

Correction:

Our best shot would be to hide the creatures behind a subspace fold. It's not as elaborate as a real cloaking device, but we could use some of the colony's hardware to do it.

----------

Otherwise we would not have been allowed to colonize this world.

Correction:

Otherwise, we would not have been allowed to colonize this world.

----------

Hunting these creatures down? They have a right to live here as anyone else does.

* Button: I suggest, we try to mask their life signs.

Correction:

Hunt these creatures down? They have a right to live here as much as anyone else does.

*Button: I suggest we try to mask their life signs.

----------
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
12-23-2010, 07:58 PM
CONTINUED:

Mayor McGruph told me, you needed some parts from of our systems to construct something?

Correction:

Mayor McGruph told me you need some parts from our ship to construct something?

----------

Until then we will have to deal with the forces of nature as they occur.

Correction:

Until then, we will have to deal with the forces of nature as they occur.

----------

Reached the origin of Tricorder reading

Correction:

Reach the origin of the tricorder reading.

----------

I'm picking up silicon based life readings from everywhere now.

Correction:

I'm picking up Silicon-based life signs all around us, now.

----------

One of the silicon based life signs has just disappeared

Correction:

One of the Silicon-based life signs has just disappeared.

----------

I was fortunate, that an ion storm hit the system a month after the Borg incursion into Gamma Orionis.

It was easy to convince them, the weather control system had been destroyed by the storm. So I could use its parts to fabricate bait for the Borg.

Correction:

I was fortunate that an ion storm hit the system a month after the Borg incursion into Gamma Orionis.

It was easy to convice them that the weather control system had been destroyed by the storm. That way, I could use the parts to fabricate bait for the Borg.

----------

I don't know, what to say, [Rank]. I knew, Gilligan had lost his wife to the Borg, when he left El-Auria, but I never realized how desperate he was.

Correction:

I don't know what to say, [Rank]. I knew Gilligan had lost his wife to the Borg, when he left El-Auria, but I never realized how desperate he was.

----------

Sir, we have a problem at our hands.

Correction:

Sir, we have a problem on our hands.

----------

Only with the Away Team's fire power and experience we stand a chance to save the ship.

The Borg have managed to penetrate our shield and are sending in boarding parties.

Correction:

Only with the away team's firepower, and experience, do we stand a chance of saving the ship.

The Borg have managed to penetrate our shields, and are sending over boarding parties.

----------

I do not know how long we can hold the Bridge!

Correction:

I don't know how long we can hold the Bridge!

----------

I managed to setup a disruption field to prevent further boarding parties to beam in on us, but there are alredy to many of them for us to handle.

Quick sir, use Tactical to lock on all Borg on board and beam them from the [ShipName].

Correction:

I managed to set up a disruption field to prevent further boarding parties, but there already too many of them for us to handle.

Quick Sir, use the tactical station to beam all the Borg from the [ShipName].

----------

The Borg have abducted him and are now coming for the other colonists.

Correction:

The Borg have abducted him, and are coming for the other colonists.

----------

So he got what he wanted after all.

Correction:

He got what he wanted, after all.

----------

He wanted to join the Collective so badly; he would have rather died than to be separated from his wife again.

Correction:

He wanted to join the Collective so badly, he would have rather died, than to be separated from his wife, again.

----------

By the way, I played your mission, shortly after you published it. And, I loved it, even with the grammar and spelling errors.

The only reason I pointed out the above errors, was because you asked. That shows me that you really want to give the STO community a quality product, and I applaud you!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 5
12-23-2010, 08:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by davejl_99 View Post
I'm picking up silicon based life readings from everywhere now.

Correction:

I'm picking up Silicon-based life signs all around us, now.

----------

One of the silicon based life signs has just disappeared

Correction:

One of the Silicon-based life signs has just disappeared.
I disagree with the correction. I don't think silicon-based life needs to be capitalised, because it isn't a name, it's just a regular noun that is describing life which is based on silicon.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 6
12-23-2010, 08:36 PM
I don't mind it if you struggle with the grammar RG. I'm going to play every mission you make.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 7
12-24-2010, 12:04 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by davejl_99 View Post
I don't have a STOwiki account, but I can help you. I'll post the relevant portions here in this thread. So far, I don't really see a whole lot that needs to be changed, just some punctuation marks here and there.
Thank you so much! I'll try to put these in as soon as I can. Right now, I'm stuck in a big pile of snow without access to STO.

Merry Christmas to all of you,
Rachel
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 8
12-24-2010, 09:10 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Galactrix View Post
I disagree with the correction. I don't think silicon-based life needs to be capitalised, because it isn't a name, it's just a regular noun that is describing life which is based on silicon.
Yeah, I guess that one could go either way. As you say, it is a descriptive noun.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 9
12-24-2010, 09:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelGarrett View Post
Thank you so much! I'll try to put these in as soon as I can. Right now, I'm stuck in a big pile of snow without access to STO.

Merry Christmas to all of you,
Rachel
It was my pleasure. Anything I can do to help a fellow foundry author to produce a quality product.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 10
12-24-2010, 02:27 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by davejl_99 View Post
Yeah, I guess that one could go either way. As you say, it is a descriptive noun.
I'm just in the process of publishing the updated mission. I have not copied your corrections blindly, so there are some small deviations. Specifically I didn't want to truncate some of the dialog, since I believe it would slightly shift the meaning of it.

Again, thanks a lot for this invaluble help. I'm in the process of writing my diploma thesis, so I have a rough idea of what proofreading may cost you. That this community is giving such help freely is a great testimony.

So again, best regards and happy christmas. If any of you feel that I messed something up, please note it here or there.

Rachel
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:21 AM.