Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 21
12-26-2010, 12:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cruis.In View Post
i mean the lay out on the link you listed, who put it in that format?
No, I copied and pasted each and every text box from my mission to a separate Wiki page on my user namespace at STOWiki and did the formatting myself.

Regards,
Rachel
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 22
12-27-2010, 12:37 PM
Rachel,

Hi. I decided to post these in your thread rather than on the wiki. This seemed simpler to me, though once I learn more about how to use the wiki, I might see I was in error. I hope this format is as useful to you.

I also see that a lot of my edits are the same as made by davejl_99. I've highlighted in red where I made changes. Where I deleted something, I noted that inside brackets with a "del:".

Finally, I wanted to offer a couple of general observations. First, just like me and a lot of other people, you tend to overuse commas. I find myself constantly cutting them from my prose. Not sure why their so appealing.

I also noticed a lot of nouns that didn't need to be capitalized--a big difference I know between English and German (and maybe some other languages). Terms like "main engineering" or "bridge" wouldn't generally be capitalized in the former.

You also don't use many contractions. You might consider using more to make the dialogue seem a little more natural (though that would depend on the character). Their rarity does make the few contractions you use stand out.

Anyway, here are some more specific suggestions:

A Federation colony is caught in the crossfire, when, in their quest for perfection, the Borg come after a rather unique life form on the planet.

Go to the Noro System, in the Gamma Orionis Sector Block, and defend the New Nagasaki Colony against the Borg.

- - - - -

New Nagasaki, a Federation colony in the Noro System, is under siege from a Borg fleet.
We have no idea why the Collective is engaging the settlement, since it is of no strategic importance, and the settlers’ technology is relatively antiquated. I was certain we would have much more time to evacuate the planet.
But, academic discussions won't get us anywhere, will they? The Borg want to assimilate that world, and we need to stop them. The U.S.S. Mayflower is already there to assist, but, I'd like to add the [ShipName]'s firepower to the colony's defense.
Dismissed!

- - - - -

We are receiving an emergency signal from the U.S.S. Mayflower, [Rank].
· Button: Begin: The Longing

[Rank], we are in sensor range of the colony.
· Button: Tactical report

The U.S.S. Mayflower is in orbit around the planet, and has engaged the Borg. She has taken quite a beating, but I'm not reading any Borg life signs on the surface, yet. Looks like Captain Petrelli has held her ground.
Sir, I am receiving a distress call from the Mayflower.
· Button: On screen

This is Captain Lucia Petrelli of the Federation starship Mayflower to all allied ships in range.
We have engaged the Borg at New Nagasaki and have taken substantial damage. We are in need of assistance. Do you copy?
· Button: Acknowledged

That was the last of them. Good work, [Rank] [LastName].
· Button: Damage report

Two of our fusion reactors were damaged during the last attack and the structural integrity field is badly compromised. We have to reduce defensive systems to 40% power or we will blow [del: up] what is left of our EPS grid.
If we are lucky, we can make it to the transwarp gate on our own [del: ,] without a tow, but we are in no shape to confront the Borg again anytime soon.
· Button: Why are the Borg attacking the system?

Well, there should be no reason for the Borg to come after the settlers.
But there is something else. My science officer has picked up a strong life sign down there. It appears to be a silicon-based organism. If we can read it, so can the Borg.
This must be an irresistible target for assimilation. Silicon-based life is not an everyday occurance [alternatively: You don't run into silicon-based life everyday,], even if you rule half the galaxy.
· Button: Acknowledged

Our sensors pick it up too, [Rank]. We should enter orbit to get a better reading.
· Button: Close

Sir, we have entered orbit.
Several of the creatures seem to be lurking at the periphery of the colony.
This is very peculiar. Two science expeditions cleared this world for colonization before the settlers arrived. But we have nothing like this on record.
We should beam down, and prepare these people for evacuation. When the Borg come to assimilate this life-form, the colonists will be in their way.
When there is time, we should try to learn more about these beings. Since prior expeditions didn't find them, they could be some kind of invaders.
· Button: Beam down

We should try to find the mayor of the colony, Sir. He can prepare his people for transport.
· Button: Continue

[Rank], finally Starfleet decided to give us a helping hand. If the colony is to be defended against the Borg, we need some modern weaponry.
· Button: Mayor, I'm afraid you underestimate the Borg.

Nonsense.
Our technology is almost fifty years old now. I just need a little more 25th century firepower to teach these Borg [del: a lesson (generally you teach people a lesson or you teach them to X)] to leave my people alone.
· Button: We are here to evacuate the planet.

Listen to me very carefully, because I will say this only once: We will not abandon our houses, our farms, our home.
You Starfleet types may think wandering among the stars in a tin can is a decent way of life, but we do not.
We are Federation citizens, and, as head of New Nagasaki's government, I order you to help us defend this world against the Borg. If you can't do that, take your pretty [maybe “fancy”?] starship, and leave us alone.
· Button: Continue

I am afraid we cannot force these people to leave the planet against their wishes, [Rank].
But, we can't protect the colony, either. Sooner or later, we may suffer the same fate as the Mayflower, or worse.
· Button: Opinions?

[Rank], we could try to mask the alien life signs, so the Borg might lose interest. But it's a very risky procedure, because we do not know what we are dealing with.
Our best shot would be to hide the creatures behind a subspace fold. It's not as elaborate as a real cloaking device, but we could use some of the colony's hardware to do it.
The old phase discriminators in the settlement's environmental controls could be modified to provide a decent sensor shield.
· Button: Acknowledged

Have you reconsidered your position, [Rank]?
· Button: The Borg are after a silicon-based life form.

What? Didn't you read the expedition reports?
This rock is as ordinary as it gets. Some plants, insects and micro-organisms. Otherwise, we would not have been allowed to colonize this world.
· Button: The life readings are clear, Mayor.

Suppose, you are correct, [Rank], what would you have us do?
Hunt these creatures down? They have a right to live here as much as anyone else does.
· Button: I suggest we try to mask their life signs.

Maybe we speak the same language after all. Alright then, let’s try it your way.
Talk to Gilligan. He is our chief technician. Use whatever hardware you need to build your sensor shield.
· Button: Close

Yes, [Rank], what can I do for you?
Mayor McGruph told me you need some parts from our systems to construct something?
· Button: We need some phase discriminators.

I'm... I'm sorry, but the phase discriminators in the environmental control system were blown during the ion storm last autumn. We do not have any spare parts left.
I have contacted Battle Group Omega to send us some replacement. Until then, we will have to deal with the forces of nature as they occur. I hope the colony will not experience any floods or heavy storms.
But I think it will not matter anyway, when the Borg come, this colony will become a footnote in history.
· Button: Suggestions?
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 23
12-27-2010, 12:40 PM
Sir, I do not know how this is possible, but I’m getting some very confusing readings.
My tricorder is picking up a slight subspace displacement to the west. I think there must be some sort of phase discrimination device in close proximity to these silicon creatures.
· Button: Close

This is a piece of the environmental control system.
My tricorder is going crazy. I'm picking up silicon-based life signs all around us, now.
· Button: Continue

One of the silicon-based life signs has just disappeared. The phase discriminator in this unit must have been modified to project a fake signature.
But why would someone create sensor ghosts like that? We should go after the other life signs as well. I believe we will find the other parts of the environmental control system.
· Button: Continue

Sir, I'm convinced these receivers were intentionally set up to lure the Borg to the colony.
We should confront Gilligan about this.
· Button: Return to colony

You fool! Look what you have done!
You shut down the discriminators. Do you know, how long I have been waiting for this opportunity?
· Button: Continue

Can you imagine the pain I went through to get those discriminators? I was fortunate that an ion storm hit the system a month after the Borg incursion into Gamma Orionis.
The colonists don't know the difference between a plasma torch and a self-sealing stem bolt. It was easy to convice them that the weather control system had been destroyed by the storm. That way, I could use the parts to fabricate bait for the Borg.
· Button: Why did you put the colony at risk?

I am old, [Rank], much older than you can imagine. I once had a wife, too. Her name was Astani. We lived a happy life for more than a century.
Then the Borg came and swept through El-Auria. They took her. They took everything I ever cared about.
I was so close to be assimilated, so close to be reunited with her. But you ruined it all, and I have lost her again.
· Button: Continue

Sir, we must inform McGruph. Gilligan has put the whole colony at risk and is responsible for the Borg attack.
· Button: Close

I don't know what to say, [Rank]. I knew Gilligan had lost his wife to the Borg [del: ,] when he left El-Auria, but I never realized how desperate he was.
Thank you, [Rank], we will take care of him.
· Button: Answer incoming hail

Sir, we have a problem on our hands. Several Borg ships have entered the system. We need you back up here, [Rank].
· Button: Emergency transport

[Rank] [LastName], we had to reroute your transporter signal to a location near main engineering. Only with the away team's firepower [del: ,] and experience [del: ,] do we stand a chance of saving the ship.
The Borg have managed to penetrate our shield [del: ,] and are sending over boarding parties. We need to defeat them [del: ,] before they can gain control of main engineering.
· Button: Continue

Sir, this is Lt. Geltan, Bridge Duty Officer.
We need help up here on the double. Security is busy putting out fires elsewhere. I don't know how long we can hold the bridge!
Head up the ramp and take a turbolift to the main bridge.
· Button: Continue

Ready when you are!
· Button: Take turbolift to bridge

Sir, the Borg are everywhere!
I managed to set up a disruption field to prevent the transport of further boarding parties, but there are alredy too many of them for us to handle.
Quick Sir, use tactical to beam all the Borg from the [ShipName].
Use the tactical station behind the captain's chair to transport the Borg from your ship.
· Button: Acknowledged

Thank you, sir.
[Rank] [LastName], the bridge is yours. I am ready to be relieved.
· Button: I relieve you, Lieutenant.

[ShipName], do you read? Gilligan found a way to reactivate one of the phase discriminators. He projected a fake silicon reading onto himself.
The Borg have abducted him, and are now coming for the other colonists.
I was a fool. Our weapons are useless. We are prepared to abandon the colony. Please help us!
Beam up the colonists.
· Button: Acknowledged

We have a transporter lock on the colonists.
· Button: Energize

We got them, sir! Only Gilligan is missing. He must be on one of the Borg ships. The Collective will [del: want to (I'm suggesting this because you use "wanted" in the next sentence and it may read a little better without the repetition)] assimilate him. So he got what he wanted, after all.
Incoming Borg forces! We cannot engage warp drive in close orbit. We need to fight our way out of this!
Engage the Borg.
· Button: Battle stations

We are being hailed by the Borg ship ahead.
· Button: On screen

I am Hastatus of Borg.
· Button: This is...

You are [Rank] [FirstName] [LastName], of the Federation starship [ShipFullName], registry number [ShipRegistry].
Lower your shields and prepare to be assimilated. If you do not comply, we will destroy you.
· Button: Gillian, can you hear me?

The individual known as Chief Benatan Gillian is one with the Borg.
Astani [I went with your first usage here--alternatively, you could change above to "Astana" and leave this one as is]is one with the Borg. We are one.
Do not resist us!
· Button: Close channel

Sir, there was nothing we could do to save him. He wanted to join the Collective so badly; he would have rather died [del: ,] than to be separated from his wife [del: ,] again.
More Borg ships are on their way here. I suggest we leave now.
Warp to Sector Space.
· Button: Close
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 24
01-20-2011, 03:17 AM
Sorry, I was very busy and just checked the thread again. I included many of mygod_itsfullofstars' suggestions. I kept starship locations capitalized, since Cryptic does this in their mission (e.g., the tutorial), too. I admit, it does look a bit weird, but I wanted the mission to feel consistent with the game.

Thank you guys so very much. I'm in the process of publishing the changes. The mission has been selected to be ported to Holodeck on Monday, so if you have any time over the weekend, please go through the mission again and check, if I have missed some thing important.

So, thanks again, and best regards,
Rachel
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 25
01-20-2011, 05:18 AM
I actually couldn't find it when I looked for it, both searching by author name and mission name
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 26
01-20-2011, 08:11 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by malize View Post
I actually couldn't find it when I looked for it, both searching by author name and mission name
Hmm, maybe I was just in the process of publishing it. If you cannot find it via search, just scroll down the list of top rated missons. It's at 4.5 stars .

Regards,
Rachel
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 27
01-20-2011, 08:59 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelGarrett View Post
Hmm, maybe I was just in the process of publishing it. If you cannot find it via search, just scroll down the list of top rated missons. It's at 4.5 stars .

Regards,
Rachel
Also another top mentioned mission was missing too. celes snare.

Sounds like a mission in and of itself lol...
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