I am Zordar. I'm glad you liked my profile. Finding open-minded females that enjoy galactic domination is very difficult. I've never married but I've sired several children with various concubines. Only two remain, as the others tried to overthrow me and I had to destroy them. I appreciate you offering to send me your pictures, but that will not be necessary. I've been watching you for quite some time now. I know all about you, your family, that incident at the clinic, everything. My advisers have been most amused by your antics of late. Too amused. I shall have to make an example of one of them.
A little about me. As a galactic conqueror I'm on the road a lot. Travel is one of the many benefits of this lifestyle. On occasion you will be required to accompany me to official functions (subjugation ceremonies, planetary surrender, 'Extermination of Species X' day festivities, etc), but your duties will be light. I have been known to fly into a rage whenever my wishes are not met, but this only results in disintegrations about half of the time.
Please don't let the ominous undertones in this message discourage you from accepting the inevitable. Once you acquiesce to your fate you will be treated like a princess until either one of the other concubines eliminates you or I tire of you, at which point your fate will be decided by lobster knife fights. Regardless of the overwhelming aura of menace this missive might create, I am not without mercy. I've never personally disintegrated one of my concubines.
I look forward to your unconditional emotional surrender.
OMG! OMG OMG! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy ****! I'm not sure if I ever laughed this hard in my life!
Originally Posted by Ravenstein
I got 2 emails from Sylvia.
It's even funnier because I'm a girl. Sorry guys, I think Sylvia bats for the other team.
Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2011 03:37:27 -0800
From: sylviakelvin71 @ yahoo . com
Subject: I would like to know more about you
To: Zordar the Conqueror Attached Picture
My Dearest One
I am more than happy when i saw your mail.How was your day?,Mine is a little bit hot over here in Dakar Senegal.. My name is Miss sylvia kelvin from Liberia in West Africa,5.7ft tall, dark in complexion,23 years old (never married before) and presently i am residing in the refugee camphere in Dakar as a result of the civil war that happen in my country then and still going on secretly.
My late father Mr Johnson Kelvin was the managing director of kelvin industry (Ltd) and he was the personal adviser to the former head of state ( Charles Taylor) before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my father and other members of the family in cold blood.
It was only me that is alive, it is by the infinite mercy of God that made me to escape the tragic incidence because i know he hold my future that is why i am a live today now and I managed to make my way to a near by country Senegal in west africa where i am leaving now.
I would like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes, you know love, understanding and tolorance covers a lot of mistakes in a life of a couple that why i will love to know your hobbies and what you are doing presently.I will tell you more about myself in my next mail.
Attached here is my picture, hoping to see your reply soonest
thanks yours sylvia
My eager Sylvia,
It is good to hear from you so soon. Thank you for your unnecessary picture. Perhaps you should wear the green dress next time? Hmmm?
My day has been quite good so far. My elite shock troops have hunted down and destroyed the remaining rebel bases on planet Xiada III and have secured the mines for use by our military-industrial complex. Soon I will have another planet under my complete domination! MUA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!
Ah, your talk of refugee camps and civil wars bring back memories. You know just what to say to pluck my heartstrings. When I was fresh out of conqueror school I used civil wars as a means to weaken societies I had targeted for conquest. Perhaps the same is happening in your country?
As you know from my profile picture, I have a dusky complexion and white hair with an intriguing unibrow / landing strip hair pattern. I feel it is quite dashing. Of course, my advisers agree with this.
As to what I like? Well, I'm a simple man at heart. I enjoy:
- Taking things through force of arms
- Crushing all those who oppose me
- Laughing maniacally
- Gloating over the defeated hopes of my enemies
- Talking about things I enjoy
- Any combination of the above
Things I dislike:
- Being defeated
- Being mocked
- Not getting what I want
- Not winning
- Freedom fighters ("rebels")
- Brussels sprouts
- Any combination of the above
My current passion is engineering a transgenic neurological mutagen to turn entire enemy populations into my slaves!! Ha! My job is the best.
You won't last long at my side relying on love, understanding and tolerance to cover your mistakes. I highly recommend framing someone else. That usually does the trick. While not easily duped, I enjoy watching you betray your morals in an effort to save yourself from my swift and terrible punishment. If you entertain me enough, I will go along with your ploy so that you may continue to entertain me. Did I mention that I have the best job?
I look forward to your continuing downward slide into deceit, depravity, immorality, selfishness, and your next email.