Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 21
03-08-2011, 09:00 AM
Originally Posted by BoredZero View Post
...that's it? Nothing on the actual content?
Yes, the content's good, but, for the moment, it needs a better layout. I'll be better when I finally get home tonight and able to read it at my heart's content.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 22
03-08-2011, 09:04 AM
Ah. Thanks very much.
Lt. Commander
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Posts: 120
# 23
03-09-2011, 02:17 AM
Zero, here's an edited version.

There comes a time in a person’s life when one begins to wonder about their life and sanity, which as most people will tell you means you’re obviously not insane because you recognize it. I, on the other hand, don’t believe that – especially when you’ve switched between your world and the “real” world so many times the barriers between worlds break down.

Let’s face it – reality is relative.

Facts may be the same no matter how you call it, but a lot of things society deems acceptable and normal depends entirely on the society itself; who is in it, how it functions, it’s situation.

Nowadays with better information technology students are retaining less information and retrieving more of it from the internet – and with the advent of smart phones and smaller computers, people are becoming more and more reliant on it.

Information is much easier to access and retrieve thanks to its light-speed transfer rate. News on the other side of the globe can be heard all over the planet just moments after somebody gets wind of it. Thanks to this increase in the information exchange rate, technological advances are becoming commonplace. New products featuring new technology are often becoming outdated within six months of their release.

This of course has lead to new advances in law enforcement, and also to unfortunately, crime. And despite all of these advances, one thing that hasn’t changed is that crime still exists – and the system that processes this entire thing still takes a long time.

Some say that the scales of justice take time to balance. Whether or not you believe that to be true, or whether or not you believe in the system one fact still remains painfully clear no matter how much people wish it weren’t the case.

Victims will still be scarred, and the damage done, permanent. That was painfully clear as I watched my friend have a seizure on the hospital bed as the medical staff hustled frantically, barking out orders left and right.

I’ll never forget that moment when it happened.

Mom was a complete mess as Dad tried to keep a strong front, reminding her about how strong their son was having gone through four years in high school at the New Metro Military Academy.

Their other son was simply watching through the window, speechless. Nothing had to be said; he knew his brother well. The last thing he’d want was to know his entire family was hanging on every word of every breath the doctors were telling them in hope of good news. He never did understand the whole mourning thing since death was inevitable. It wasn’t something you could forestall.

Why cry over something that was inevitable?

Better to accept the fact and instead of mourning over the loss of somebody, celebrate the life they had. Because in the end, while immortality sounded like the ultimate wish, it was not only one of the most horrible things anybody could have happen to them, it was also a very overpowered plot device which made it very tricky to use right.

Oh sure – when one thinks of immortality everybody thinks of being all powerful and being able to do everything they ever dreamed about but never could do out of fear. But when you get the chance to live forever, unless you have somebody you can share that with your entire life will be just watching friends and family come into the world as a brand spanking new baby only to leave again several decades later. Better to live a short life as a tiger than a long one as a worm, right?

As I watched next to my brother with baited breath, I sighed in relief as he finally stabilized, his seizures stopping and his heart monitor steadying. The look on the doctors’ faces was hopeful, which was always a good thing. The best news they had to give though was when the police had finally gotten around to talking to the family about what had happened.

According to them, the other guy was much worse off than their son was. As an added bonus, they were bestowing upon him a monetary bonus for catching a wanted serial cop-killer. While it wasn’t the same as knowing that their son would pull through cleanly, it was a small bit of good news to put them at ease for the moment.

It was really heart warming over the next few days when news had finally spread outside of the family to his friends. Some of them had immediately dropped what they were doing and went straight away the moment they got the call, even if they were two or three states away.

The rest of his friends in the area would filter in eventually one or two at a time, offering what words of comfort they could. Even the rest of his graduating class had gotten wind of it and were sending their own messages of comfort, some offering to help in any way they possibly could despite being half a world away.

And, that night, those who knew him raised glasses to him in the hope he’d pull through.

And somehow, even through all of this hopefulness, I couldn’t help but sigh. I couldn’t explain it – I just had this indescribable feeling in my gut, but I just couldn’t voice it. It didn’t matter if I screamed it or wrote it, it just wouldn’t sink in. He was going to die on that bed after a long, arduous, uphill struggle, and there was nothing anybody could do to stop it.

But because society tells us that good and unexpected things can happen, they held onto that hope that their son/friend would eventually pull through despite the current situation, no matter how bleak. Never mind that he had slipped into a coma or that the doctors couldn’t estimated how long it would be before he would wake up again – they had decided he would pull through.
Lt. Commander
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# 24
03-09-2011, 05:20 AM
Not quite what I wanted, but okay.

What I need is what you think of it from the content - like what do you think's happening, that kind of thing.
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# 25
03-10-2011, 06:29 AM
I got bored, so here's some writing I did at work:

It was dark. Really dark; though the light was slowly getting bigger. And bigger. And bigger. Then they burst out into it.

"It's beautiful" remarked Karen, looking out over the ocean after their camper van left the tunnel. "I've never seen such vistas"

It was a warm, summers day as Karen, a 27 year old teacher, and her friends, Miya, her 19 year old student friend, and Samual, |Miya's father and a fellow teacher of Karen, travelled through Rosland on their way to the beach. The road clinged to the coast tighly as jutted in and out, revealing not only stunning views and hidden cottages, but also sudden drops and golden, sandy beaches.

To their left; the coast, with ships way out in the distance; and to their right, a 'chocolate box' countryside, filled with crops and grazing animals. But ahead of them was their goal; Mantio beach, some 3 miles of perfect golden beach, sparingly littered with rocks, but also with plants, providing a utopia for rock pools and coastal birds.

As they pulled up, they noticed that the beach was quite empty; they would be able to enjoy themselves without having to worry about others. Sam set about putting up the windbreak and sunshade, as Karen and Miya changed into more suitable beach ware in the changing rooms.

"Ahh; that sea breeze is so refreshing" said Miya, her should length hair lightly fluttering about. "Yes, it certainly beats that clogged up city air" replied Sam, who's short hair didn't move a single bit.

Karen sneezed loudly, and her hair fell infront of her face. She reached up and moved it out the way with a single move of her hands.
Lt. Commander
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# 26
03-10-2011, 09:25 AM
Okay BZee. Here is the thing. The long bit you wrote was long. Just come out and say it. I know you might want to use a bunch of flowery language, but seriously, get to the point already. It's so long and depressing. I lost interest not even halfway through and my thought was 'darnit, I'm not even halfway through'. Edit it down some.

Furthermore, always start off with hook of some sort. Some action. Some humor. Something that will draw the audience in. Not some deep philosophical stuff we lack the context for.
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# 27 An explanation.
03-10-2011, 01:02 PM
Actually, this thing is only about two pages typed.

Anyway, I can understand why this particular bit isn't very interesting or just seems to drone on and on - because this isn't the whole bit.

This is actually the second part of a three part bit I'm currently still working on - and the reason why I posted this second bit instead of the whole thing was because I was trying to see if anybody would get what I was aiming for.

Obviously, I've failed and need to go back to the drawing board.

To explain exactly what this is, this is a second "chapter" in a story about a writer who has seemingly landed into his own book - which is depressing, dark and full of twisted things (or at least I'm aiming for it). The theme here is powerlessness - since the writer cannot interfere even in his own work even though he knows everything.

The first bit has the same spiel of information technology, except that it branches off into a lamentation of how people don't really read that much anymore - and the magic of being sucked into the world of a good book seems to be nothing more than a memory these days, and features a small scene between the writer and ghostly being on the outskirts of a major battle that ends in absolute destruction for all parties involved when the spell finishes (it literally takes the blood that has been soaked into the ground over the course of the battle, atomizes it and wipes everything out within the vicinity of the spell)

This bit right here is obviously not set in this fictional book world, but in a real-world (fictitious) hospital, and is an attempt to tie in both "worlds".

The observer in this bit, the "friend" is in actuality the same person in the hospital bed which is why the distinction between "my friend's family" to calling them as if they were his own is being switched.

As to what I was aiming for, I was trying to see how well people would pick up on this particular distinction.

But like I said - if this many people can't get it, BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!

Thanks to all who read it and for your feedback.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 28
03-10-2011, 01:12 PM
See, you needed the first chapter to make the context clear. I'm not going to say this is a failure, but think back to my run-on sentence.

Start at the beginning. Unless you are an experienced writer or director, the beginning is the best place to start. People like Quentin Tarantino can tell a story in reverse. An amateur or new writer rarely has the skill to pull something like that off.

I've tried something like that in my Trek collection where the mysterious crate is delivered as a hook, then we get the briefing backstory on the delivery, then we cut back to the Captain discussing the delivery with one of the crew. In this case however, the delivery was the start of the action however.

So try posting the first section to your story, then this, then the resolution. Without this needed context, your bit came off as a sad story about someone dying in a hospital written by a well read middle schooler.
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Posts: 120
# 29
03-10-2011, 01:16 PM
Originally Posted by Ravenstein View Post
So try posting the first section to your story, then this, then the resolution. Without this needed context, your bit came off as a sad story about someone dying in a hospital written by a well read middle schooler.
Hm - that means I still have a lot work to do.

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