Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 101
04-13-2011, 05:13 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samure
author: samure
mission: crowded space

its in the donatu system

please be brutal and stuff
2 stars. Some of the ground combat was ok.

Here is what I liked:



Here is what I didn't like:

You apparently don't believe in any form of punctuation or the use of any uppercase letters.

The nitpicks:

Oh boy, rough start. ignoring the fact that the mission granting text sounds really weird and at no time does the person giving us the mission identify who the H they are, the mission granting popup needs punctuation... like:

"Ah, [Rank] [LastName], so your vessel, the [ShipName], is the best they got? Well, the fleet is preparing at Starbase 88 to fight the Klingons, and I want your ship to join the fleet."

Then the actual mission text about where to go should be in green, with a period at the end.

Enter the system popup sentence needs capitalized and punctuation added. When writing what people speak, its fairly common to put a comma after a greeting like Hello. Its always common to capitalize the first word in a new sentence.

Popup message when entering the system is actually two sentences with no punctuation.

Same thing on the Klingon popup....two complete sentences ran together with no punctuation or capital letters.

klingons detected on the station contains threesentences and still no punctuation or capital letters....

fix map transition to somethnig other than "Go to next map?"

Interior station dialog still needs punctuation and sounds really odd.

Commander Ben Zite wasn't funny. Nice try thou.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 102
04-13-2011, 05:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gryphoner
Please review these missions, particularly the 2nd one since I'm hoping it'll clear the review phase:

Title: The Gemini Effect, Part 1
ID: ST-HHC5GB8ZT

Title: The Gemini Effect, Part 2
ID: ST-HOUAG8TYP

Both missions are in Alpha Centauri. Thanks for any feedback.
The Gemini Effect (pt 1) 3 stars!

Someone who finally uses punctuation!!!!! woohoo!!

Fun. Interesting story. Some clunky dialog and the nend was out of sequence for me, so it got 3 instead of 4. If the end was out of sequence because of the foundry, I'll re-review.

Here are the (very few) nitpicks:

The Gemini Effect:

Good start. Punctuation and sentence structure in the grant mission dialog!!!!!! Woohoo!

"bring us next to her" is fine....might sound more nautical if you said "Bring us alongside her"

Nav beacon at the asteroid would be helpful

Get us out of here followed by a beam down popup?!

Oh that explains the beamed to sickbay thing. How about instead of going back to the outside view, We just beam to sickbay and you deal with the romulan as a popup in sickbay? Not sure you can do camera shake on ground maps, but you could use it to simulate the attack as the BO gets the ship out of the area.

the BO popup saying I'm a bit too preoccupied with her seems a little contrived.

Why is the console I need to adjust on the far wall when there are two consoles right next to the bio-bed?

Ah you can use camera shake on ground maps..should have done that in the first beam back....

Don't know what happened there at the end but the ending sequence was out of order...got a speech from the rescued captain with the "rate the mission" dialog overlapping, the captain then told me it was a subterfuge, then the "scan the frigate" button appeared and I got the story of her beaming away...?

Also weak that the romulan captain name is the same as the vulcan captain name spelled backwards (or close to the same, anyway)
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 103
04-13-2011, 11:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
If you guys are sick of me slapping your stories about, feel free to slap mine. Its short and it could use work, too. Facility of Fools.

I do one of the things I complain about in your missions. I use the popup advances to let the captain talk.

Feel free to harrange me. I'm moving on to the next mission to be reviewed now.
Evaluating version 1.1

3.5 stars.
Some of the dialogue choices seem a little off. They made sense, but don't quite sound natural. A lot of the dialogue came in large chunks - more paragraph would be nice, you have a lot of large blocks of text without any line breaks. You also seem to really, really, really like to use ellipses.

The story itself seems plausible, but the way it came together at points seemed a little too convenient or forced.

While I mostly had no trouble with the combat, there were a couple points that were rough. The first was on the ground with the Undine group fighting the Borg, where the Undine proved useless and all died, and I had to take on 2 groups of Borg by myself since they were too close together to pull separately. The second was in the hallways, some of the groups spawned multiple medics and scientists, and the Thalaron mines that some of the Romulans used would one shot my BOs. While I never had to respawn, I could definitely see some of my friends who aren't as good (the kind of people who find STFs near impossible) having difficulty with the last few groups.

And now to nitpick, since that seems to the theme in this thread.

Initial greeting:
"You are a very difficult person to track down [Rank] [Name]" should be "You are a very difficult person to track down, [Rank] [Name]".

"He also said to keep it quiet" - He told the Ferngi to keep it quiet? So what does that have to do with me? Or he wants us both to keep it quiet? Perhaps "He also requested we/you keep things quiet/off the record" or something along those lines.

"He can be found on the upper level of the Promenade..." why is there an ellipses at the end? Is there some uncertainty on whether he can be found on the Promenade? Or is there more to that sentence that he isn't saying?

Admiral Marconi:
He beamed out and back in while I was talking to him, twice, necessitating me to start the conversation over. Is that his idle animation or something?

"see what happened to my scientists and the research subjects..." Another ellipses where it seems like a complete sentence to me.

Find the facility in the Chapel System:
"Enter the Chapel system..." You might want to make it more consistent with standard dialogues and remove the ellipses, which really have no reason to be used there anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ellipses
Ellipses: -noun, Printing . a mark or marks as , , or * * *, to indicate an omission or suppression of letters or words.
"On screen..." more unnecessary ellipses

A lot more ellipses used in the following conversation, though most are appropriate.

"Set a course for the first nav point..." this one though is not. That's an order, no uncertainty or missing words there.

Then the borg hail me. I haven't even moved yet, I'm no where near nav 1. Is that on purpose?

"On screen..." ditto about the ellipses.

And the Romulans hail me before I've moved from 1. I guess that's on purpose then.

"Federation hypocracy" should be "Federation hypocrisy"

I had to get pretty close to the planet to advance the "Enter standard orbit" mission. You might want to adjust your reach marker - I'm pretty sure that I came in a lot closer than any 'standard' orbit should be.

"Hey! I am also detecting two human lifesigns" - Really? My Academy trained science officer shouts "Hey!" when discovering things?

"Beam us down by the two lifesigns..." more poor ellipses being misused. Think of the children! (I guess the children of ellipses would be periods?)

Reach the facility...: (why do we need an ellipses in this mission text?)

"Thanks. Good luck to you , too." - you have an extra space before that comma.

"Defeat patrols and reach the faciltiy..." - Facility is spelled wrong, and those ellipses... (<-- mine are indicating the words I'm not saying to complete that sentence)

After defeating the first group, I came over a hill and saw groups of undine and borg beam in before starting to fight. Were they supposed to have done that, or were they supposed to have already been there and fighting? It looked odd.

"That is the last of the Borg in tricorder range, Sir." - That "Sir" doesn't need to be capitalized.

"[ShipName] here, Sir." nor that one.

"Hail the Undine flagship, please. Patch it thru." - This sounds a bit odd since there's nothing to 'patch thru' yet, you might want to reword that. You also don't need a comma before the please, and you may want to use the full word "through" instead of the informal slang version.

"Your word that the Undine here remain outside...?" doesn't seem like a complete sentence. Perhaps "Do I have your word that your forces will remain outside?" Also, unnecessary ellipses.

"Enter the facility with Dr. Johnsons codes" - if you mean the codes belonging to Dr. Johnson, then it should be "Dr. Johnson's codes" I also noted you spell out the full word "Doctor" in other places, but use the abbreviation here, which seems like an odd choice.

"Ready to enter the facility, Sir?" - again, capital Sir. At least you're being consistent, so maybe it's fine, but it looks odd to me.

"Less so for your research subjects I'd imagine..." - more unnecessary ellipses

"yes..." - Capitalize the first letter of even one word sentences. And no ellipses necessary.

"once you have freed the Undine crewmembers" - "crew members" is not a compound word.

"There is a 97% probability they will also take us, so that we may continue our research for their purposes." - - while it's not huge, you really don't need a comma there.

"That's all of them, Sir."

"Lets download the database and shut down the cubes" - If you mean "Let us download the database" then you need an apostrophe there. "Let's". Also, it is a sentence, so you need a period at the end of that.

"Patch me thru to the Undine flagship." - use "through"

"I would like to beam them aboard and conclude our little arrangement..." I'd almost forgot about those ellipses with all that combat. And you use another ellipse for the button reply.

"Once I have my crewmembers aboard" - "crew members"

"we will recover it when we retrieve our crewmates" - "crew mates" isn't a compound word either.

--------------------

Hmm. I probably should have waited until after you reviewed mine to review yours, shouldn't I? :p
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 104
04-14-2011, 05:29 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ainu
Evaluating version 1.1

3.5 stars.
Some of the dialogue choices seem a little off. They made sense, but don't quite sound natural. A lot of the dialogue came in large chunks - more paragraph would be nice, you have a lot of large blocks of text without any line breaks. You also seem to really, really, really like to use ellipses.
Thanks for the review. Some of the things you mentioned were compromises because of the limitations of the foundry. Thru instead of through was used a couple of times because the pop-up reply text length is limited.

Marconi beaming in twice during your conversation happens in Cryptic missions too. Like the diplomatic one on Vulcan. The Borg and Undine beaming in are out of my control. None of them have transporter animations involved in any way in my story design. I think the engine doesn't draw certain assets until a player gets to a point where they would be able to see them. The beam-in effect might just be the game engines idea of seemless insert rather than having people just suddenly spring into existence.

I also have no idea why the Undine are so useless in combat. They are a skinned fed mob (so as to prevent them from attacking your squad) but you'd think they'd shoot back. I got nothing for you there.

I'll fix the spelling and punctuation at some point. I haven't had time to go back to it in a long time.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 105
04-14-2011, 08:31 AM
Hey thanks for the review boglejam I appreciate the feedback. Some notes from your comments (just my insights, not necessarily a rebuttal heh).

Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post

"bring us next to her" is fine....might sound more nautical if you said "Bring us alongside her"

Nav beacon at the asteroid would be helpful
Yeah weakness on my part. I'm light on nautical expressions. Trek-tech expressions too. Something to work on. That asteroid really was a PITA but I may have an idea to make it more visible, like a nav beacon as you've mentioned. I already changed the shuttle to emit that green stuff to make it more visible so I'll think about how to do the asteroid.


Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
Get us out of here followed by a beam down popup?!

Oh that explains the beamed to sickbay thing. How about instead of going back to the outside view, We just beam to sickbay and you deal with the romulan as a popup in sickbay? Not sure you can do camera shake on ground maps, but you could use it to simulate the attack as the BO gets the ship out of the area.

the BO popup saying I'm a bit too preoccupied with her seems a little contrived.

Why is the console I need to adjust on the far wall when there are two consoles right next to the bio-bed?

Ah you can use camera shake on ground maps..should have done that in the first beam back....
Many frustrations about the foundry and how to approach this scene. A lot of people trip up on this and I'm wondering if I shouldn't just rewrite the whole sequence since the idea behind it is out of the series already. One idea I did have is what you said, make the attack from within the sick bay. You'll see this in Part 2, actually, in a different manner

Console... was next to her. I switched it farther just to give the player another opportunity to maybe hit that caitian dialogue one more time... it has a nugget in it that I wanted in there but not make it an objective. And in testing I've seen players skip it... not a hard thing to do to switch.

The preoccupied thing... just a little tap on the shoulder that points out yeah I know the player is the captain yeah player has other things they ought to be doing but need this info from this gal and a little play and humor etc. But like I said more people trip up on this scene than any other I'm just bummed if I have to rip the sick bay sequence out because I spent so much time building that map heh.

Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
Don't know what happened there at the end but the ending sequence was out of order...got a speech from the rescued captain with the "rate the mission" dialog overlapping, the captain then told me it was a subterfuge, then the "scan the frigate" button appeared and I got the story of her beaming away...?
Foundry. Timing is frustrating with the foundry. I played with scale, I played with reach markers. Iterations for this one area alone was like 6 publishes. MOST of the time it works but I think if people keep moving and moving at full impulse the timing breaks. Can't set up a proper cliff hanger this way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
Also weak that the romulan captain name is the same as the vulcan captain name spelled backwards (or close to the same, anyway)
You'll have to forgive me on this one. I think you're the only one who has caught this. It's a little poke fun on my part and either a subtle or over the head reminder of what Gemini Effect alludes to Hope you don't mind their ships are.... named similarly as well haha.

Thanks again for the input.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 106
04-14-2011, 09:24 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
2 stars. Some of the ground combat was ok.

Here is what I liked:



Here is what I didn't like.
ok so there wasnt anything you liked?

Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
You apparently don't believe in any form of punctuation or the use of any uppercase letters.

The nitpicks:

Oh boy, rough start. ignoring the fact that the mission granting text sounds really weird and at no time does the person giving us the mission identify who the H they are, the mission granting popup needs punctuation... like:

"Ah, [Rank] [LastName], so your vessel, the [ShipName], is the best they got? Well, the fleet is preparing at Starbase 88 to fight the Klingons, and I want your ship to join the fleet."

Then the actual mission text about where to go should be in green, with a period at the end.

Enter the system popup sentence needs capitalized and punctuation added. When writing what people speak, its fairly common to put a comma after a greeting like Hello. Its always common to capitalize the first word in a new sentence.

Popup message when entering the system is actually two sentences with no punctuation.

Same thing on the Klingon popup....two complete sentences ran together with no punctuation or capital letters.

klingons detected on the station contains threesentences and still no punctuation or capital letters....

fix map transition to somethnig other than "Go to next map?"

Interior station dialog still needs punctuation and sounds really odd.
Ok, i adjusted the punctuation and the grammar,

Was the map ok and the unit placement?
Were the enemies a challenge?


Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
Commander Ben Zite wasn't funny. Nice try thou.
That was ment to sound like that, i couldn't think of a Benzite name.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 107
04-14-2011, 02:43 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samure
ok so there wasnt anything you liked?



Ok, i adjusted the punctuation and the grammar,

Was the map ok and the unit placement?
Were the enemies a challenge?




That was ment to sound like that, i couldn't think of a Benzite name.
I wanted to like it. I tried to like it.

Maps were generally fine. Ground combat was Ok. It didn't totally suck. The lack of punctuation and capitalization just made reading anything a chore. Also, some of the dialog was a bit corny.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 108
04-14-2011, 07:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
OK, I lost a little time due to installing a SSD. Off to play "Crowded Space" now...


Coming up:

Crowded Space /Samure
Gemini Effect / Gryphoner
Treachery in Bajor / SoundwaveUK
Black Boxes / Patarival
Uplift / Walshicus
Parallel Intersections / Foxrocks
Personal Reflection / XR-377
A Matter of Allegience / RKRider
Trimble Conspiracy (replay of fixes) / chrislove
Death by a thousand papercuts / Necrobones
Currents Turned Awry / Leviathan99
The Source of Power / Ainu
Think my mission was accidently dropped from your list, it was after 'Trimble Conspiracy' I believe...

Mission Name: Inception of Deception
Author: Mrjohnnyx
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 109
04-15-2011, 05:53 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrJohnnyX
Think my mission was accidently dropped from your list, it was after 'Trimble Conspiracy' I believe...

Mission Name: Inception of Deception
Author: Mrjohnnyx
Sure was. Sorry. I will get thru at least 6 missions this weekend. Sorry I have slowed down a bit, but work has been a little crazy. Here is the corrected list:

Treachery in Bajor / SoundwaveUK
Black Boxes / Patarival
Uplift / Walshicus
Parallel Intersections / Foxrocks
Personal Reflection / XR-377
A Matter of Allegience / RKRider
Trimble Conspiracy (replay of fixes) / chrislove
Inception of Deception / Mrjohnnyx
Death by a thousand papercuts / Necrobones
Currents Turned Awry / Leviathan99
The Source of Power / Ainu
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 110
04-15-2011, 08:20 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samure
That was ment to sound like that, i couldn't think of a Benzite name.
Just make something up. Benzites have been shown with names like "Mordock" and "Hoya". You could have used "Toya" or "Sardock" if you wanted to just use variants of existing names.
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