Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 221
05-06-2011, 06:57 AM
Thanks for the honesty... I was focusing on experimenting with the Foundry tools for the most part. I probably should alter the explosive trigger and noun capitalisations :p

Very much appreciated! I was aiming to make Agent River rather obnoxious and abrasive but it seems I overdid it! I'll make the appropriate changes and tone down her responses! Glad you liked the database though, was thinking about adding more to it at some point. Will try and spilt granting text up and I'll fix Marconi's last dialogue - I wrote it rather late at night. The review is much appreciated! I'll take your advice and amend my mission!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 222
05-06-2011, 07:14 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyle21davdson
Thanks for the honesty... I was focusing on experimenting with the Foundry tools for the most part. I probably should alter the explosive trigger and noun capitalisations :p

Very much appreciated! I was aiming to make Agent River rather obnoxious and abrasive but it seems I overdid it! I'll make the appropriate changes and tone down her responses! Glad you liked the database though, was thinking about adding more to it at some point. Will try and spilt granting text up and I'll fix Marconi's last dialogue - I wrote it rather late at night. The review is much appreciated! I'll take your advice and amend my mission!
Glad I could help. I really thought the prisoner database was clever and could be used in other missions in a lot of ways. Maybe hunting down spies or something like that.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 223
05-07-2011, 09:49 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by oldlordskull View Post
I would appreciate an honest review of mine as well, sir.

The Second to Last Outpost
Project ID: ST-HTY7R9LA2
Starfleet
Level: 31+
English

Though, I know I am already going to lose one star with you, as I believe I used "Make it so!" in at least one dialog button. ;P
You got three starred by me. I didn't take off for the one use of the dreaded M.I.S., but I did note it in the nitpicks. The text was absolutely clean. Only one or two tiny errors. Very nice. My main gripe (and some of what cost you the fourth star) is the length. I don't think a lot of people will spend 2-3 hours in a chunk on one mission. Thats a shame, too because it is a good mission.

Also, you are probably eliminating yourself from contention as a Foundry Spotlight mission with the crazy length.

The technobabble got a little thick, too.

Here are the nitpicks:

The Second to Last Outpost /

Mission grant text was fine. You could add "at ESD" to the mission tracker goal of "Speak with Linnea" just to help out those that don't pay attention.

Linnea text ok. "I shall depart immediately" is one of those things I don't like in Foundry missions. When you make my toon talk, keep it simple. Most players have a certain impression of how thier toon talks. Mine would never say "I shall depart immediately". Thats why I prefer authors to make my captain say things like "understood" or similarly bland things when the reply doesn't actually advance the story. Oh, and include where I am supposed to go in the mission tracker. She mentioned so many different locations in her speech that as soon as I closed the text window I forgot where I was supposed to go for the mission.

So it was Minos Korva in Alpha Trianguli. Why? If I have to travel all the way to ESD to get the mission, and you can use any system as a door to transition to SB214, why make me go all the way BACK to Alpha Trianguli after making me go all the way to ESD?

Doctor popup: "The Federation's war effort in the Gamma Orionis may depend on it." the Gamma Orionis what?

Think maybe you went a tad overboard in the details in the science officer briefing, but it was well written and fitted nicely into the story. Just not certain most players will take the time to read any of it.

Tac BO: "While we engage Klingon Empire on one front, the Romulans would..." While we engage the Klingon Empire maybe?

Why is the Romulan lady with the really long name wearing Klingon armor?

Station: Not something I am marking down for or anything, but why the long laundry list of goals all at once? I'd have liked it better if the goals flowed from one accomplishment to the other.

I don't like the spiders. I know the BO mentioned there might be a vermin infestation, but you gave the player plenty to do without having to kill the spiders.

Yep. spiders suck.

Seems like a lot of your interactive consoles don't have that interactive glow. Sure would make it easier to complete the 30 goals I have here if I could see what console I was supposed to use. Ha.

So far your text is very good. No obvious spelling or grammar errors. Very nice.

Yikes, dial back the technobbble lecture around AV I. Also, the beacon needs to be further out. I am whited out by being so close to the planet.

"used to abide on the planet." I don't think abide means what you think it does. Maybe go with reside instead.

You made me say "make it so". I hate that. One guy in 400+ hours of TV and movies said it. Not everyone in Starfleet goes around saying it.

Wait. You can't make consoles glow on the station but you can make the entire town glow on AVII? Shenanigans!

I like the scanning columns past the forcefield.

Enough with the spiders already.

"Decision of the ruling council the expunge the festering..." to expunge?

Nice KHAAAANNNNNN moment there.

So much technobabble hurt my brain.

Why did I have to go back to ESD to complete the mission? More unneeded travel.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 224
05-07-2011, 11:43 AM
Thank you for your candid review, sir.

Many of the things you pointed out have also been mentioned by others. I have been afraid to fix them and republish since that publishing bug hit, but now that it is fixed I can get in there and fix things.

I am surprised that my grammar checker didn't find a lot of those errors. Thank you very much for pointing those out.

I can reduce the number of spiders on the station. You didn't happen to walk too close to that holding pen in the outpost ruins, did you?

The technobabble was definitely thick. I am sure I can reduce a lot of that. I guess I was thinking on the terms of what would be available to the players if this were an actual episode on television if they had access to the main computer. I am guilty of enjoying information overload, but I can understand that not everyone else likes it.

After a few comments regarding the contact and the end being at ESD, I will definitely make that change.

I chose Minos Korva since it is on the way to Starbase 214 and the region of space where the mission takes place. Perhaps a remote contact is in order so that you don't have to travel to ESD.

I am going to see if there is a good way to break this up into two missions, as you pointed out the length kills it for some people. I know it will take work, but it will be worth it.

Again, thank you for your review. I truly appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed the story.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 225
05-07-2011, 12:28 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by oldlordskull View Post
Thank you for your candid review, sir.

Many of the things you pointed out have also been mentioned by others. I have been afraid to fix them and republish since that publishing bug hit, but now that it is fixed I can get in there and fix things.

I am surprised that my grammar checker didn't find a lot of those errors. Thank you very much for pointing those out.

I can reduce the number of spiders on the station. You didn't happen to walk too close to that holding pen in the outpost ruins, did you?

The technobabble was definitely thick. I am sure I can reduce a lot of that. I guess I was thinking on the terms of what would be available to the players if this were an actual episode on television if they had access to the main computer. I am guilty of enjoying information overload, but I can understand that not everyone else likes it.

After a few comments regarding the contact and the end being at ESD, I will definitely make that change.

I chose Minos Korva since it is on the way to Starbase 214 and the region of space where the mission takes place. Perhaps a remote contact is in order so that you don't have to travel to ESD.

I am going to see if there is a good way to break this up into two missions, as you pointed out the length kills it for some people. I know it will take work, but it will be worth it.

Again, thank you for your review. I truly appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed the story.
I did walk too close to the spider pen.

I liked the story. Definitely could have been spread over two episodes thou.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 226
05-07-2011, 04:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaddy18 View Post
I would be grateful if you could review mine.

Prison Break

ST-HHC9PK9CT
Federation
Any Level
Elwing System-Beta Ursae Sector Block
3 stars. Wasn't bad. Couple of things bothered me. First of all, we seem to be killing a lot of people to spring one guy from prison. Ok, you establish he is wrongly convicted. Still, seems weird that we are slaughtering all of the faceless cogs in the evil machine for one guy. Especially since the intro text says we should free the guy AND reestablish negotiations.

Here are the nitpicks:

Prison Break / 3 stars

Mission granting text was very clean. Destination is listed in mission tracker. Nice.

Don't make my toon call my BO "crewman". Don't make players toons talk anymore than absolutely necessary and when you do, keep it generic. Everyone had an idea of how their toon talks, and when you supply dialog instead of just generic filler to advance the story, you break the illusion for the player. Saying "Lets hope so" moves the story to the exact same place as "Lets hope so, crewman" without demoting my Commander BO to lowly crewman and breaking immersion.

Tac BO: "We can't let them take captain Richardson..." Captain needs to be capaitalized when it is used as an honorific for Richardson. If you were saying something like "The captain will never go along...." then lowercase C is fine.

"May be these other prisoners..." maybe is one word.

Trill prisoner: Havn't is spelled haven't "It's how they force..." sentence is poorly written.

klingon with riddle "I have No ones been able..." should be "I have. No one has been able.."

Did she now. should be Did she now?

Agreed? Good here is the riddle. Good needs a period behind it and Here should be capitalized.

"It will have the same the same effect..." eh?

Are we klingons or Starfleet people? I ask because I don't think Starfleet people would choose to slaughter the prisoners just to save one guy. Klingons maybe would.

You might want to use something other than skinned klingons for your mobs. When you skin klingons you can't tell who the swordmasters are. All of the guys are labeled generically, too. Also, these guys look wierd whippling out klingon swords all over the place.

Same for the space battle. Looks like Deferi ships skins on klingon ships.

Nice job on building the prison. Could use some more props. And why does a prison have an attending Battleship and squadrons of fighters?

Invisible wall keeps me from picking up my drops and even thou I am talking to Goresh and then choosing to subdue him, I can't see him.

Seen as though you have made it thus far should be Seeing as though....
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 227
05-09-2011, 03:21 PM
Almost caught up (or done!)

Burning Bridges / Sturnack
Raid on Qa'vak Two / issoldier
Give Peace a Chance / FutureCaptain
Bad Intentions / Blk_DemonKnight
Rihannsu ep. 1 / Telaura
The Gorn Hegemony Enmity / GALACTICWARLORD
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 228
05-09-2011, 03:26 PM
Would appreciate a review on "Spy Games" by Duke_X

This one is heavily reliant on following the "recommended" sneak option. If this is followed, it could be quick and easy, if not, it may be more challenging.

Look forward to your review.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 229
05-09-2011, 04:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sturnack
Looks like you're pretty swamped but if you have the time, I'd also like you to take a crack at my mission. The details are below:

Mission Name: Burning Bridges
Author: Sturnack
Project ID: ST-HOC9BBGQH
Faction: Federation
Level: 16+
Duration: 30 minutes
3 Stars. I liked your dialogs for the most part. I liked the effect with the crystals. The story itself wasn't all that engaging for me (I don't like counselors as characters) so I wasn't too amped up about going and finding her. Here are the very few nitpicks:

Burning Bridges / 3 stars

Mission granting text: Fine. "Best speed to Risa!" seemed cheesie, but at least you said where to go.

Ferengi: asset is misspelled. Ferengi then tells me he likes a man that can bargain. Great, except my toon is a woman. Maybe make it gender neutral?

base is levitating. I was able to pass underneath it. Might want to sink it a few feet in the editor.

Congratulations for the first use of the word "copulation" that I have seen on a foundry mission.

Maybe you should funnel people more directly thru the base? I was able to find the bad guy before I found the counselor. Maybe a force field blocks the final hallway and you can make up some BS that it must have been on the same console that the counselors forcefield is on.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 230
05-10-2011, 06:15 PM
Updated schedule:

Raid on Qa'vak Two / issoldier
Give Peace a Chance / FutureCaptain
Bad Intentions / Blk_DemonKnight
Rihannsu ep. 1 / Telaura
The Gorn Hegemony Enmity / GALACTICWARLORD
Spy Games / Duke X

On my way to play Raid now.
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