Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 31
04-05-2011, 03:33 PM
what the heck. I'd like to get some more reviews of any kind, even if it means going thorugh this guy

Peace is Weak (Holodeck, Fed, Noro System, still under review content)
Sins of the Sons (Holodeck, Fed, DS9, still under review content)

Thanks
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 32
04-05-2011, 04:25 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Admiral_Daedelus
Shades of Grey is mine....have at it and please post any issues you find.

I'm really aiming for a flawless mission here...i want to note this is a beta release and i am working on some of the trial dialogues

Man that was a really interesting mission format. It reminded me a lot of the DS9 episode where Worf is tried for shooting up the civilian ship. I gave it 4 stars just because that was the most inventive narrative style I have seen so far in a foundry mission. I liked the format of flashback popups putting the action into context. Lost me on a couple of things...

Why tell me I am going to go to the dead guys quarters if I am never going to get there? Instead of me just showing up at the prosecutors office with no clue that the guy is dead, have me go to the quarters where the guy is laying dead, beam in some redshirts, and then send me to the prosecutors office...

Also, needs to have some earlier explanation of why I am laying this out for a prosecutor and not telling my story to a judge. Have the prosecutor tell the character his/her rights after they arrive in the office, explain its a preliminary inquiry, or something. If a DA was accusing me of murder, we wouldn't be sitting in his office with me telling him what my version of events were without MY lawyer there. Even then, crims don't talk unless they want to deal. I probably harp on this too much but in real life I'm a cop. Due Process was a recurring theme in a lot of trek episodes and being forced to prove my innocence to a prosecutor (not even a judge) doesn't sound like a court system that you'd find in Trek. Well, Cardassia maybe.

second, I found the bar sequence to be disjointed. I thought I was going to see Doctor whats-her-face on her station but instead, I end up on some other station. Need to explain that a bit better. Maybe have the prosecutor object for some logical reason that makes you explain the bar stop.

Lots of punctuation problems...

we are in the middle of "a" war with the klingons

commas. need more commas. almost always a good idea behind "although" or "however" since people naturally pause on those when speaking.

tactical BO reporting weapons on "otherside" of the nebula. need to add a space.
Don't abbreviate doctor unless you use the . Otherwise, spell it out.

"how about i tell you what really happened" should have a ?

Rovi asks a lot of questions without ?'s

Guess Mina has self esteem problems....troubling. She also lacks ?'s at the end of questions like "anything a little more personal?"

after killing klingons for Gul N, lawyer popup asks two questions, wrong punctuation.

Rovi holosuite question....

thankyou Doctor.

Varna Kay "thankyou for your assistance"

lawyer popup after talking to doctor kay is terribly written and makes no sense unless you slowly read it and try to figure it out.

on Risa "I don't need to tell to that"

"and be ready" add a to between and/be...it flows better

wrong version of your (should be you're since it is "you are")

Sorry if this isn't critical enough, but I really liked the narrative style. Will be a great mission with some corrections and if you can make it flow a little more naturally.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 33
04-05-2011, 04:39 PM
Thank you Boglejam for your critism and actually pointing out the flaws, this is awesome feedback and I will be using it to make some corrections.

Kryton station in general needs a good cleanup and pass at the text I think,
I am working on another similar type of mission to this but I will put it on hold and go fix the issues you pointed out.

Thanks again
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 34
04-05-2011, 07:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ripley View Post
Please review my mission: Battle at Tazi VI
Level 41+, Federation. Starts at Tazi System in Sirius.

ID: ST-HQEQLWMHG

I look forward to your review and feedback, even if it does make me , or .

Thanks!
OK, let me start by saying this mission didn't totally suck. It has some suckage issues, thou.

First, what I liked:

The effects when the beacon was active were very good. I liked how you handled blowing up the Borg tech in the supply room. Good forcefield use, nice explosion. Good use of interacts.


Two major suckage points:

The beacon itself. I liked it as a story element, but then I realized I could activate it and just sit back and wait for the fleet to kill the borg for me before I deactivated it. (or wait till most of the Borg were gone before deactivating it). Maybe place it closer to the battle to make it a bit more of an important thing to get the thing off ASAP and the shields back up?

The other suckage point was related to timing. When my team got trapped behind the forcefield, I did not get the pattern enhancers out of the crates or set up until AFTER the forcefield shut itself off. Apparently you time the forcefield on/off against what you think the normal player time for searching the boxes and setting up the enhancers would be? As soon as the field came up and I was stuck, my phone rang. By the time I got off the phone, the timers had run thru and I didn't need to bother with actually taking the field down. I did it to advance the mission goals, but it wasn't really necessary. Instead of a timer while setting up pointless enhancers, maybe make the crates hold spare parts for restoring power to the computer and then tying the field to the power restore of the computer?

Everything else was ok. Here is the list of nit-picks:

unusual is misspelled in first BO popup

using green in BO popups to convey the players side of the conversation doesn't work for me. Use advanced dialog editor to work around that.

the beacon has deployed BO dialog is terrible and needs to be re-written into complete sentences.

"we will be gravametrically linked to beacon." More Tonto-ese. The beacon....THE beacon.

SCI BO reply to Cho about being trapped is a horrible run-on sentence.

SCI BO summary regarding shield emitters has a long run-on sentence in the middle of it.

SCI BO "set up a assimilation..." should be "an assimilation..." Always use an instead of a if the next word begins with a vowel (or in some cases an H).

Last thing - my characters aren't the special kids of Starfleet. I don't think you need to tell the character exactly what to do at the end of almost every BO popup.

Hope that helps.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 35
04-05-2011, 08:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
Added to the queue. I never take off points for issues that are beyond the authors control.
Great, thanks.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Over the next few days I hope to complete some changes based on reviews I've received thus far to fine-tune and enhance the gameplay and story. It is reviews like yours that help us all learn from and hopefully improve in building these missions for people to enjoy. As I did with Peregrine_Falcon, I'll directly address your concerns below:

Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
The beacon itself. I liked it as a story element, but then I realized I could activate it and just sit back and wait for the fleet to kill the borg for me before I deactivated it. (or wait till most of the Borg were gone before deactivating it). Maybe place it closer to the battle to make it a bit more of an important thing to get the thing off ASAP and the shields back up?
As you saw in Peregrine_Falcon's review, the beacon was said to be "too close" to the Borg. Either way, I will be making adjustments to this spawn point to allow for the variances in the spawns. Perhaps I could have one of the spawns directly engage the player/beacon?

Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
The other suckage point was related to timing. When my team got trapped behind the forcefield, I did not get the pattern enhancers out of the crates or set up until AFTER the forcefield shut itself off. Apparently you time the forcefield on/off against what you think the normal player time for searching the boxes and setting up the enhancers would be? As soon as the field came up and I was stuck, my phone rang. By the time I got off the phone, the timers had run thru and I didn't need to bother with actually taking the field down. I did it to advance the mission goals, but it wasn't really necessary. Instead of a timer while setting up pointless enhancers, maybe make the crates hold spare parts for restoring power to the computer and then tying the field to the power restore of the computer?

The branching dialog where I was supposed to plant the pattern enhancers to assist Lt Mendeck in lowering the force field was broken somehow. He lowered the field before I even got the pattern enhancers. I didn't mark down for this as I wasn't certain if it was a bug or an author error.
The forcefield itself is in-fact on a "timer" as the station crew works to turn off the system and originally the objective was simply "wait for them to complete their work" but I found it a bit boring and irksome to do nothing while the forcefield was taken down so I added the branching dialog/pattern enhancer elements to get the player involved. As it is now, that sequence took on average about the same time ideally but it doesn't check to see if the player completed before dropping the forcefield. While the timer does need to occur to work around a feature missing from Foundry, I need to restructure the "storyboard" to not allow the forcefield deactivation to complete before the dialog occurs.


Quote:
Originally Posted by boglejam View Post
unusual is misspelled in first BO popup

using green in BO popups to convey the players side of the conversation doesn't work for me. Use advanced dialog editor to work around that.

the beacon has deployed BO dialog is terrible and needs to be re-written into complete sentences.

"we will be gravametrically linked to beacon." More Tonto-ese. The beacon....THE beacon.

SCI BO reply to Cho about being trapped is a horrible run-on sentence.

SCI BO summary regarding shield emitters has a long run-on sentence in the middle of it.

SCI BO "set up a assimilation..." should be "an assimilation..." Always use an instead of a if the next word begins with a vowel (or in some cases an H).
Thanks for the tips and dialog checks. I will be publishing these polish fixes within the hour.

So again I thank you for the review, and if you find some spare time in a couple of weeks perhaps you could go back and evaluate improvements made
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 37
04-06-2011, 05:31 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ripley View Post
Your post
No problem. Let me know when you are ready for a re-review and I'll add it to the queue.

Personally, I am enjoying reviewing these missions. The creative ways you guys are coming up with using the limited options in the foundry are pretty amazing. I can't imagine what the UGC will look like in a year when more art elements and more story functionality is incorporated.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 38
04-06-2011, 06:33 AM
I'll bite. I could use a review. This is my first mission, so it's not very complex. But I hope it will still be a fun, if brief, little mission.

"Of Minds and Men" by NecroBones
Starfleet, level 41+
Holodeck, ST-HBF3QVJTL
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 39
04-06-2011, 06:45 AM
Tonight I will be hitting the missions submitted by Elksium and Outlaw. If they aren't too long, I might get to Chrisloves, too.

Then up is solid nuetronium, followed by PineCone3 and Necrobones missions.

Elksium - my kling is only a commander - will I be able to do your mission?
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 40
04-06-2011, 02:15 PM
Sorry i couldn't respond sooner, working 3 jobs sucks! lol

It should scale to level, i tried with a lvl 6 and 51 and didn't have any problems either way.

Please be as brutal as you can be. I only have 1 feeling, so it will be hard to hurt. :p
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