Hello all, like many of you I've just completed my first foundry mission. It's my first real go, so instead of getting ripped to shreds in some other review thread that are popular around here, I'd like to start my own little exchange program here, specifically designed for first-time authors to get some constructive criticism. Here are the steps:

1. Review my mission. I'd like some specific feedback though. If the mission breaks, I'd like to know why. If you think that something I did in the mission could be done in some other (better) way, please let me know what that is. I'm just getting a handle on triggers, the martini glass trick, etc. Too much dialogue? Dialog not complex enough to be interesting? Too many Boff popups? too little? Not enough action? Could use another fight here? This is all stuff I'm interested in.

2. Post your mission details at the end of your review of my mission. Once received I will jump on STO at my earliest convenience and try to push through missions as they are submitted. Assuming I get any response at all. =)

3. I review your mission using the same sort of criteria, designed to help new authors do a better job.

Sound good? Here are my mission details.

"Two Cloaks, One Dagger"
ST-HDPI3P5OP
I believe it's lv. 41+

Thanks, hope to get some replies.

Currently running your mission this is mine.

My mission is

Hold the line

ST-HSDDYCCYD


A Space based mission with a surprise on the bridge.

**Missions Cannot start at Starbase 24 so you will warp in from the nearby Reytan system, Sirius Sector Block**

Has only 3 combat elements across 3 maps.

However the 1st is a large fleet style battle and I have been pulling my hair out to try and balance it w/o making it too easy or pain in the backside.

Quite a lot of chatter amongst bridge crew and some characters.

Completed and reviewed.


Lots of positives, very interesting story, lots of depth. Clear objectives.

However, some of the text is a bit overwhelming in the way it is presented. try and space some of the larger sections out.

Liked the last bit where your away team did all the work for you. --I hate ground combat.

The only real negative was the first battle, the spinnning screen made me feel dizzy and the derelict constitution ship looks a little out of place.

Flash

Awesome, thanks for a first review. I'll be doing yours when I get home, I'll post it in this post via edit.

Questions: How long did it take you, start to finish? And when you say spinning screen, do you mean the screen shake? Was it too overwhelming? And do you remember which sections specifically had the overwhelming text?

It was the screen shake in that initial nebula with the first battle. Felt a little jarring.

As for the text it is mainly towards the end of the mission.

I think it took about 40minutes, not quite sure, I was trying to admire all your little touches.

Analysis: "Hold the Line"

Overall: Fun experience! The space combat is well paced for the most part, and the story is intriguing, with just enough mystery left on the part of the dying Reman on the first map. Could use a bit more proofreading and attention to detail, especially in terms of punctuation and NPC labelling at the end of the mission. 4 stars.

Specific suggestions:
Vary up the y axis a bit on the disabled ships near SB24, might give them a more organic look
proof the dialog a bit more, a few punctuation errors, and some of it reads a little awkwardly. Great attitude though, I could tell you probably read it to yourself in your head at first.
Tevon's ship spawned out of view when I played. I barely noticed him when i was turning to fight off the Romulans. Maybe move it forward more?
Great humor on the chat with the admiral after the 5 group battle, and later in the mission too. But maybe when I played, my captain wouldn't want be snarky, at least outwardly? Maybe give a few under the breath type responses. Use parentheses.
I really loved the scan reports as the chat for the disabled ships. I may steal that one!
A couple "UGC contacts" on the bridge set that need a label.
Might want to change animations on the device at the end - what buttons are getting pressed? maybe scan is better. Maybe explain why they have it in there in the first place, and how they got it installed so fast?

Great idea, I'm doing another mission right now but will do yours right after that one. Here is my mission info.

The Trimble Conspiracy
Federation
ST-HBE9NTRG3
Any Level

The idea behind this is a 4 or 5 part series that revolves around something mysterious called a Miniverse. You are pitted against the KDF in my attempt to add more to the war. Another goal of mine is to create a nemisis for your Captain. Hope whoever plays it enjoys.

Thanks

I have played around with parts-

updated the little details - moved stuff around on axis.

Read the whole thing again, I agree with you that I had rushed the ending and so fleshed it out significantly.

Added under the breathe comments in places for the less aggressive Captain.



As for the scan chat- I stole the idea from you having seen how your characters worked so well.

I have completed ...

Two Cloaks, One Dagger

Let me start with the bad first, only two things I saw...
1. Triangulated is spelled wrong when you arrive to Imaga 1, i believe
2. When you reach the command post i think it would be better if the pop up dialogue from the Admiral triggers after you kill the Orions.

Other than that the mission for me was excelent. I had an issue with a few things by BO's said or my Captain said but I overlooked that stuff because I just wanted to know what Section 31 was doing working with the Orions. The Undine was a cool addition because I havn't seen anyone else use them yet. At the end when you have to escape the forcefield deal the trigger with the explosion was nice. If you want to know anything else just ask.

Reviewed: The Trimble conspiracy


Strengths

Interesting dialogue, lots of fluff.
Effort to make a cohesive story.
Links into the Klingon war.
Liked the science officer interrupting with banter, could possibly use more of this or offer alternate comebacks.

Liked how the admiral ackowledges your little charade with a stern warning.

Varied zones, with reasons for existence.
Combat has a purpose- mostly.


To develop- dont take this as criticism, it is merely advice based on my eyes.

Mission text- you give the entire story away before its even played- perhaps write an interesting but cryptic intro.

Use of DS9 -

You goto an obscure system and arrive at DS9- perhaps transition in from a neighbouring system in bajoran space.- make this clear in mission text - Currently jarring story wise.

Too many transitions before you even get to the story- 4 I believe.
Perhaps have Admiral outside quarks for secret rendevouz, gives you a chance to spruce DS9 up with npc characters.

Lots of the convos on DS9 end with continue- Trimble ... when i want to hear witty banter from my toon.

Depart DS9- gave full impulse, then warp dialogue with buggy animation, where you sped off then back to start to warp. Maybe lose the full impulse dialogue.

Space map

Satellite is mispelt a few times.

First scan says interacting- rest dont.

Pargraph out the text after scans- makes easier to digest the techno stuff. Re-read it.

Second and 3rd waves of Klinks appear without dialogue- add some panic, warning, popup text between the kill orders. "Holy christ thats a big ship"

The disabled ship just appears- perhaps the explosion of one ship has disabled the klink command ship whilst it was cloaked- no shields. Your tac officer could tell you this.

Ground Map

Lots of fires and rumbling but too many trash mobs with no purpose. reduce to essential areas.
Not much going on- add dead klingons, injured klingon npc's etc. Klingons trying to save the ship who can spurt chatter whilst ignoring you. Klingon NPC- animation lie down - label "dead Klingon"

Also use force fields to block off unused areas.

The doorway for turbolift was a bit odd and the bridge fight was not fun. Too much AOE and i had to reset mission because doctor was killed by splash damage. Perhaps have her beam in after mission complete- looks dodgy but saves agro.

Lots of interesting elements, just needs a bit more refinement with foundry.

Flash