Smack him for all the idiotic things I've ever done. "You idiot!"

Parallel universe version - If I saw him with a goatee, I'd at least know how I would look with one. As for him being evil, I'd ask him how things are run in his universe.

Future self - Depends on how far into the future. I'd have questions for different points in time for each one of them.

Past self - Depends on how far back into the past. I'd have questions for different points in time for each one of them.

Evil self - Evil without a goatee, I'd ask him what happened to him to make him so evil. Evil with a goatee, I'd make notice of his goatee, then make a note of how I'd look with it.

Clone self - I wouldn't have to ask it anything, really, since we probably have the same memories and everything and, every time I start to ask something, he'd say the same thing...we'd just keep doing that over and over until one of us got tired.

Opposite gender self - I'd make a note of her wardrobe and, as such, know what she could pull off any what she couldn't. That way, if I ever decided to attempt cross-dressing, I'd know what would look good and what wouldn't. lol

Do this for the humor value of it.

Then I would find out if it was an evil universe version of myself, good universe version of myself (maybe I am the evil universe version), or just a normal universe version of myself.