Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Hey, guys! I just wanted to post here that I'd just finished my first mission for the Foundry. It's a short one and there's not a whole lot of combat; it's mostly dialogue-driven, so I'll understand if it's not as well-received as some of the other ones out there, but this was just kind of a test to get the lay of everything, so to speak.

It's really really short...I want to stress that. LOL I just hope you guys won't hold that against me. I promise, now that I have a better understanding of how to do things, my next mission will be longer.

I hope you enjoy it!

P.S. There's also a dialogue nod to one of the Original Series episodes; see if you can spot it. (though, due to the fact that I didn't know if one particular word was usable in the text due to the vulgar nature, I had to remove said word, but the rest of the quote is intact [but replaced with the name of the players' ship instead]
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 2
04-19-2011, 08:17 AM
What I liked.

An inventive scenario, that opens up loads of possibilities, if you decided to do more with it.

Some interesting dialogue bits.

Shows that you are learning the skills of the foundry.

I was able to complete the journey without any annoying bugs

How to make it more engaging.

Opening dialogue is a bit snarky. Maybe have multiple routes, the snarky one and the professional fed captain route. Also kind of just hits you with a major scenario with no lead in. Made it hard to believe.

At the start when temporal directive be damned, perhaps you have a 2nd dialogue route to talk to people in charge of such matters and ask for permission.

Y’Know… try and use full words, fewer abbreviations if possible, as it is not how I would expect my captain to talk.

Your 1st mission tracker doesn’t display target on the screen- “talk to Captain Kirk of the Enterprise” should be “travel to Risa”

At Risa it says “ acknowledge” – not start mission or hail Enterprise.

USS Enterprise needs a name. Not Alien Cruiser- 2nd line of NPC options in foundry. The bridge interior also did not go with the uniforms or ship model, despite your efforts to explain it. It was a clash of generations.

UGC contacts need names.
Also the bridge felt pretty lifeless when I beamed in. Perhaps have it populated, then it turns out their all holograms or something.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
04-19-2011, 09:41 AM
Thanks for reviewing it. I'll address your secondary points.

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
How to make it more engaging.

Opening dialogue is a bit snarky. Maybe have multiple routes, the snarky one and the professional fed captain route.
Yeah, I'll have to fix both of those; since this was my first mission and I had kind of a basic idea [but didn't really know how to do what I was planning], I didn't really plan it out, but I'll fix it up.

Also, if it's planned out better, I can make more possible dialogue branches to give people an opportunity to speak in a different tone instead of just having them conform to the only option I give them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
[color="DarkOrchid"]Also kind of just hits you with a major scenario with no lead in. Made it hard to believe.
Yeah, that's true, but the way I thought about it afterward was it sort of gives you the air of "something's not right here" from the get-go, so, when the reveal happens, you might say, "Oh, I knew it was gonna happen" or "Wow, I didn't see that coming." (again, though, that's another fault of me not having planned out the mission beforehand. lol)

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
At the start when temporal directive be damned, perhaps you have a 2nd dialogue route to talk to people in charge of such matters and ask for permission.
Yeah, I was thinking about that, but couldn't really think of what kind of route to go with it, but, per your suggestion, I'll add another prompt in there where the Captain contacts the Admiral at DS9 [or someone else equally high up] to get permission to do it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
Y’Know… try and use full words, fewer abbreviations if possible, as it is not how I would expect my captain to talk.
That was my totally fault and I apologize for that. I tend to write a lot of scripts and, as such, my characters tend to abbreviate, so it was kind of difficult to break that, but now that I've realized that other people were going to be playing this, I'll use less [or even no] abbreviations from now on. (besides, there's no way of knowing what race each Captain is going to be, so that just gives more cause to not abbreviate. lol When's the last time you heard Spock say "We've gotta beam over and help them."? lol)

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
Your 1st mission tracker doesn’t display target on the screen- “talk to Captain Kirk of the Enterprise” should be “travel to Risa”
No problem; I'll fix that. I'll have it say "Head to Risa and talk to Captain Kirk".

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
At Risa it says “ acknowledge” – not start mission or hail Enterprise.
See, now, that's odd... I thought I fixed it up with it saying "Acknowledged (Continue "No Time Like the Past")", but I guess my other published version went through instead.

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
USS Enterprise needs a name. Not Alien Cruiser- 2nd line of NPC options in foundry.
Thanks! I didn't know how to fix that [I actually didn't think you could. lol], but, now that I know where to go, I'll fix that part.

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
The bridge interior also did not go with the uniforms or ship model, despite your efforts to explain it. It was a clash of generations.
Well, that was kind of due to the limitations of what the Foundry offered; I wanted to do a past Enterprise mission with Kirk's crew, but, since the TOS interior wasn't available in the Foundry yet, I had to improvise. Personally, I thought it was kind of clever. hehe

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
UGC contacts need names.
Like with the naming of the ship, I didn't know we could name the contacts. hehe But I'll go back and fix that, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by flashmanandy View Post
Also the bridge felt pretty lifeless when I beamed in. Perhaps have it populated, then it turns out their all holograms or something.
That's a really good idea, thanks!

And thanks so much for you review; I'm glad you enjoyed my initial mission and I hope to make the next one even better!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
04-19-2011, 10:55 AM
No problem

Don't take anything to heart, its just me being picky

We are all just learning with the foundry and I have made some silly mistakes. In my 1st mission the first line said

WelcomeRearAdmiralSeems .. ..

A great way to start ..


I have a mission up Hold the line.

Feel free to play and be just as critical to me.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 5
04-19-2011, 01:33 PM
Oh, I'm not offended by your criticisms at all; at least you're helping by offering suggestions on how I can fix it. I truly appreciate your advice.

But I was curious about something.

I've already Published it; do I have to Withdraw it, make the changes and Publish it again? Or can I just Publish it again and it'll overwrite the new version?
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 6
04-19-2011, 03:23 PM
I'd re-published my mission and addressed your criticisms with these workarounds.

At the start when temporal directive be damned, perhaps you have a 2nd dialogue route to talk to people in charge of such matters and ask for permission.

I fixed that part; I have a second branching option where you contact Admiral Marconi and he gives you permission to approach the vessel.

Y’Know… try and use full words, fewer abbreviations if possible, as it is not how I would expect my captain to talk.

I used as few abbreviations as possible when having the others speak, since I can't assume what race they would be or what their speech patterns are. I think the only one I had using abbreviations was my created Captain.

Your 1st mission tracker doesn’t display target on the screen- “talk to Captain Kirk of the Enterprise” should be “travel to Risa”

I'd fixed that, too. hehe

At Risa it says “ acknowledge” – not start mission or hail Enterprise.

Again; that's also been fixed to "Acknowledged. (Continue Mission: No Time Like the Past)"

USS Enterprise needs a name. Not Alien Cruiser- 2nd line of NPC options in foundry.

After you telling me where I can find it [thank you, by the way ], I fixed that.

The bridge interior also did not go with the uniforms or ship model, despite your efforts to explain it. It was a clash of generations.

That I unfortunately couldn't think of a way to fix, due to the TOS interior not being part of the Foundry yet. The only thing I can suggest that might work is that, in "their" universe, they are so far ahead of the original universe's crew that they have the plans for a 1701-D bridge, despite having a 1701 ship.

UGC contacts need names.

Fixed that, too. hehe

The bridge felt pretty lifeless when I beamed in. Perhaps have it populated, then it turns out their all holograms or something.

I tried to place a bunch of NPCs on the Bridge, but it's hard not being able to ascertain where they'll be standing and I didn't want all of them just standing around, so what I did was I have a branching dialogue that asks why the "Captain" is the only one on the Bridge when the Away Team beams over.

I hope you try it again and enjoy the revisions!
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:29 AM.