Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 11
05-23-2011, 01:18 AM
mine is #10.

it's from a klingon perspective. hope you enjoy it.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 12
05-23-2011, 04:51 AM
I had to get my thinking cap on for this one. Unlike challenge 1, I hadn't already got some background. Thanks WishStone for keeping this up. Ihnoc now has an anecdote for parties!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 13
05-23-2011, 09:16 AM
I really want to see the founder of Vulcan philosophy and the founder of the first Empire play jazz together. ^^
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 14
05-23-2011, 09:54 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by WishStone
I really want to see the founder of Vulcan philosophy and the founder of the first Empire play jazz together. ^^
Indeed, in fact, this ties well into a holonovel centric Foundry mission I want to do (anyone else is welcome of course). Unfortunately, I'm still having some technical issues with it but you'e given me some direction as to the plot! Thanks again.

Time to read some others!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 15
05-23-2011, 11:27 AM
Hmmm, this is going to be a tricky one *bangs head against the inspiration pillow for a bit* ...
...
...
...
Ooooh, an idea!! ... let's hope you guys like it, I'll post it sometime today or tomari ^^
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 16
05-23-2011, 02:14 PM
Hey all,

Don't think I said this in the last LC disc thread, but thanks to WishStone. These challenges are an excellent reason for me to avoid work. My undying gratitude for that.

Also posted my contribution, lucky #13. I'm working up a second for another character.

Like last time, I didn't read other entries before writing mine, but I have since. Thanks to all who've let me shirk work even more, and here are some quick impressions:

Cold Spell

I thought this was a nice story. I liked the different characters. They were really clear. Don't think I can make an constructive criticisms.

A Changing of Guard

There's something I liked about the stream of consciousness flow of this piece. I definitely came away with a overall mood or feeling. But I also found it a little hard to follow and can't really tell you any of the specifics about the story. Maybe breaking up the text might help some.

Ensign Captain

Going back to the beginning (that is, first command) was a good idea. I also really liked the last line. You do change verb tense halfway through though, from past to present.

Plant in Charge

This was a clever idea. It wasn't until just now that I saw how this was a unique spin on the idea of taking command. The only thing I can think of now is that, initially, in the first few lines of dialogue, I was getting a little confused about the "He"s. I didn't always know which "he" was which.

Luna

This was an engaging story, but I detected some hints of BSG (e.g., spooled) so on principle I can't really like it. (Just kidding.) I think you could break up the text a little. It might be more readable on a printed page, but on the screen it was hard to read through the long paragraphs. I was also a little confused initially during the flashback. The "then-commander" didn't make it clear to me that the main character wasn't in command of the ship.

Kali-fal

I liked the alternate beginning story--not back to Vega. I also liked the way you set the context. Just a quick grammatical note: it should be "ground" not "grinded." Lastly, you might change the way you refer to the Andorian. I know this is soft canon, but I've occassionally heard that Andorians have 4 genders. If you added some reference to that, it might up the Trekiness of your story.

Redemption and Revelation

I thought the title was a really nice summary of the story's themes, and I could see them pretty clearly. I also like the POV you chose. The only part of the story that gave me pause was the obvious insubordination of the Fed crew. Not sure you can fix that easily and keep the same story, though.

A Matter of Honor

Very, very Klingon. Which I mean as a total compliment. I really enjoyed reading this. It was a nice inversion of the usual story--young officer takes down older, lazier officer. On my first reading, I thought Bor'tan was in command and so didn't fully understand Dulek's role, but once I read more closely it all became clear.

Ihnoc Takes Command

I liked how this was short and to the point. I also thought the basic idea was pretty creative. I was a little uncertain how to take the end of the second paragraph though. Did Akabeicause these mishaps? Was that doing well?

Coordinates Laid in and Ready...Captain

I thought there was something really evocative about this story. I liked the sort of twist and the personal dimension. I wasn't sure what a "Cat" commander was, though.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 17
05-23-2011, 09:09 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by mygod_itsfullofstars

Luna

This was an engaging story, but I detected some hints of BSG (e.g., spooled) so on principle I can't really like it. (Just kidding.) I think you could break up the text a little. It might be more readable on a printed page, but on the screen it was hard to read through the long paragraphs. I was also a little confused initially during the flashback. The "then-commander" didn't make it clear to me that the main character wasn't in command of the ship.
My apologies if any of what I am typing sounds odd, as I am doing it from my phone at twelve AM. And your feedback made me exceptionally giddy. I am going to address all of those concerns the first chance I get tomorrow. I realize not all of my humble story was up to par and I will correct that. I am really, really glad you enjoyed Luna. I think engaging is the best compliment I have ever gotten regarding my writing.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 18
05-23-2011, 09:11 PM
I'm catching up on reading everyone!

@ Mygod - You're right! Sorry, I kind of commandeered my piece from a exercise I had done two years ago!

Almost all of my in-game toons are actually characters I've created for my pre-existing fan fic novels. I need to clarify that the "Cat Commanders" are COs of a class of defense ships that are all named after Terran big cats. (Puma, Leopard, etc.)

I will work on tweaking that so it blends into the short tale! Thanks so much for reading it and the feedback!

Terilynn

OK - off to read!
Lt. Commander
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Posts: 120
# 19
05-23-2011, 09:19 PM
Finally finished mine. I may flesh it out a little more later.

It takes place in the STO universe (obviously) and explains what was going through my main character's head when he first go his ship as well as the unseen actions after he beamed aboard. And I changed the name.
Lt. Commander
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Posts: 120
# 20
05-24-2011, 01:42 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by mygod_itsfullofstars
Hey all,...

Ihnoc Takes Command

I liked how this was short and to the point. I also thought the basic idea was pretty creative. I was a little uncertain how to take the end of the second paragraph though. Did Akabeicause these mishaps? Was that doing well?
Thank you for the critique! I will answer your question with the purpose of the sentence. Ihnoc as a character is supposed to be somewhat sarcastic and a lot cynical. Akabei's too much of a good engineer to cause it on purpose (at that point in the story). He was doing well, compared to the conditions others were reproducing with help of their crew. When I read it, the tone doesn't come across. Such is the way of the interwebz.

Also, I noticed you mentioned formatting for some other individuals and I must say you guys write a lot. I'm genuinely intimidated by long extracts but when I get to reading them I'm always pleasantly surprised! You're styles and depth of character are really interesting and spew all kinds of ideas at me. Nevertheless, I will share what I have been "taught" for academic submissions. That's not to say it is correct, just things I keep in mind when writing:
  1. When word processing:
    • Use line breaks and no indentation at the beginning of a paragraph.
    • Use a sans-serif font such as Arial or Verdana at size 12 or higher for headings.
  2. When writing by hand:
    • Use no line breaks and indentation at the beginning of a paragraph.
    • Make it legible! Unlike my handwriting!
You can compare my previous two paragraphs as if I had written them!

....Thank you for the critique! I will answer your question with the purpose of the sentence. Ihnoc as a character is supposed to be somewhat sarcastic and a lot cynical. Akabei's too much of a good engineer to cause it on purpose (at that point in the story). He was doing well, compared to the conditions others were reproducing with help of their crew. When I read it, the tone doesn't come across. Such is the way of the interwebz.
....Also, I noticed you mentioned formatting for some other individuals and I must say you guys write a lot. I'm genuinely intimidated by long extracts but when I get to reading them I'm always pleasantly surprised! You're styles and depth of character are really interesting and spew all kinds of ideas at me. Nevertheless, I will share what I have been "taught" for academic submissions. That's not to say it is correct, just things I keep in mind when writing:

Also, in general if the current speaker changes, their speech should be in the next paragraph. If it is the same speaker, you can continue using that paragraph. For example:

"There once was a man from New Orleans," Ihnoc said in a rhythmic tone. "Oh?" said Sianna, " and what did this man do with his time other than something that rhymes?" "Eat bacon!" said Ihnoc, "the whole day through!"

Compare to:

"There once was a man from New Orleans," Ihnoc said in a rhythmic tone.

"Oh?" said Sianna, " and what did this man do with his time other than something that rhymes?"

"Eat bacon!" said Ihnoc, "the whole day through!"

In analytical writing, a paragraph should provide a single point or subject you will discuss as evidence to a larger arguement. Creative writing is similar. The larger argument is your story and each paragraph should centre (British) around a single character or object.

As ever, this is simply what I've been told and I won't pretend I'm perfect at formatting myself. Conventions change. It wasn't until recently the sans-serif thing was upheld so write how you want. Just tips. Please don't metaphorically eat me. I'm loving everything I read here.
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