Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 11
06-23-2011, 05:39 PM
Interesting! We sadly never met females (not that I know of, anyways), but I can see them staying home and making sure the young hunters get raised proper before handing them off to the men.
Lt. Commander
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# 12
06-23-2011, 08:49 PM
I got my next story done. I'm not completely happy with it. I will give it another pass tomorrow. However, I'd love to hear what you think of it.
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# 13
06-24-2011, 02:50 AM
Mine is posted now. As with my earlier attempts ive tried to continue my captains story.

i took some liberty with the nature of the academy assignment as it was not strictly part of the academy, but its more or less the same thing.
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# 14
06-24-2011, 04:17 AM
Sadly, I didn't even see the first Challenge, and time constraints have kept me from being able to enter anything in the others, but I actually was able to get one done for this challenge, and I look forward to feedback.

One, Final Test

-Big Red
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# 15
06-24-2011, 06:15 AM
Got mine up, it was a hard one this time.
I don't think I've fully held myself to the conditions of this challenge though. Yes, the academy days are integrated into my story, but I think this is more of a post for the challenge: 'what is your captain's greatest fear' or something.

Any feedback on this is welcome as well as typo's and stuff.
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I'm definitely enjoying the stories so far. Thanks to Wishy for taking the time to engage in this project. I do have some comments below.

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Spectre, nice ending It adds a little irony to the captain's self-reflection and humility, and provoked a smile from me.

Suggestionwise, in the fourth paragraph, the hyphen with spaces apears a little too weak. An N dash is hard to mimic in Cryptic's WYSIWYG editor. Try two hyphens with no spaces to mimic an M dash.

From "years ago - he had" to "years ago--he had" and "groundskeepers - still" to "groundskeepers--still."

__________________________________________________


Senshi, your story has some good humor in it. I chuckled at the "wine maker" comment, with all of the cc's. I'm assuming you're using an online translator. The English is off slightly, but the message is still readable. Folks can give allowance for the language barrier. Just out of curiosity, what is your home country?

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Soriedem, good job on the writing. I have only one suggestion. I stumbled slightly over the last sentence of the first paragraph. I would change it to one of the following two:

"It was strange and wonderful, and there were no Borg."

or

"It was strange. It was wonderful. And there were no Borg."

__________________________________________________


Captain Revo, that's an engrossing story; it had that episodic feel. I do see a few issues. One is that you inadvertently switch to present tense a few times, but the story is mostly past tense, i.e., has v. had, etc.

In the fifth paragraph, I would change "compliancy" to "complacency." I would also move, "aboard the Relentless" to the front of the sentence, and perhaps add the word "Back," as in "Back aboard the Relentless, the creature...." (That would mimic the tv episodes in which to introduce a scene change, they show the ship or location first, and then the scene.)

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BigRedJedi, I definitely like the stream of conscious approach. I did get a little confused on the italicized dialogue. I couldn't tell at first if your character was reflecting on an earlier conversation, since italics is usually reserved for inner thought or inner speech. I would go ahead and unitalicize the dialogue, perhaps even use color per Wishy's suggestion.

__________________________________________________


As for myself, I'm not too happy with that last paragraph. I'll have to tweak it here and there to get it just right.

__________________________________________________


I'll have to break here and read and comment on the others a little later.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 17
06-24-2011, 10:25 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seseron

BigRedJedi, I definitely like the stream of conscious approach. I did get a little confused on the italicized dialogue. I couldn't tell at first if your character was reflecting on an earlier conversation, since italics is usually reserved for inner thought or inner speech. I would go ahead and unitalicize the dialogue, perhaps even use color per Wishy's suggestion.
Thank you for the feedback, Seseron, I went back and made some edits (including fixing the dialogue), and cleaned up some of the grammar and tweaked a few places.

I hope that you enjoyed reading it, as much as I enjoyed writing it!

-Big Red
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 18
06-24-2011, 10:32 AM
Quote:
Captain Revo, that's an engrossing story; it had that episodic feel. I do see a few issues. One is that you inadvertently switch to present tense a few times, but the story is mostly past tense, i.e., has v. had, etc.

In the fifth paragraph, I would change "compliancy" to "complacency." I would also move, "aboard the Relentless" to the front of the sentence, and perhaps add the word "Back," as in "Back aboard the Relentless, the creature...." (That would mimic the tv episodes in which to introduce a scene change, they show the ship or location first, and then the scene.)
thanks for the feedback. I had spotted the 'has' v 'had' thing but had forgotten to correct it. I fixed the other errors you saw, thanks for that and managed to catch another , 'know' v 'now'.

thanks again.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 19
06-24-2011, 05:27 PM
I have posted mine, I do realise a lot of what I write is not well knwon to some people, but those who have followed my stories so far will know I use them to expose people to the Vilscaran Culture, so I have attempted to write in what I can about a very important facet of Vilscaran life, if there is any clarification needed, feel free to ask me here or in-game.

Also, this is just a random idea though up at 1:30 in the morning, but what if, at the end of each Literary Challenge, Wishstone chose his/her favourite story and wrote a little on it, what made Wishstone choose this story, what does (s)he think could have been done differently etc etc.

Just a thought, I'd probably never get it but meh.
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Posts: 120
# 20
06-25-2011, 05:03 PM
That was another tricky one Wishstone. I really had to think carefully about how to approach it. In the end I decided to use the story to reconcile the brash youth I imagined with the composed Vice Admiral I now have.

As per my usual preference I posted my story before reading the others. I am quite liking the variety in the stories and the approaches taken by the authors.
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