Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120


A simple investigation of an unknown signal becomes a great mystery into a Starfleet Shadow Fleet and the secrets that separate them .

Discover the secret and rescue a missing ship before its too late.

The First in a series with the second one in progress.

This was my first published mission and there may still be some bugs but overall it is a finished product.

Enjoy!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 2
03-16-2012, 12:27 PM
Coming soon:
Eight months after the events of 'Relapse'
The Lost Fleet of the Valkyrie, Episode 2:
The Lost Fleet has faded back into the shadows, much to your relief, and your mission continues.

Starfleet has dispatched your ship to resurvey an old outpost neglected in the recent crisis to evaluate new starbase construction or colonization.

But things are not what they seem, a dark secret lingers in the darkness of the forgotten halls of the outpost and a primal threat lurks in the dust and verdigris.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
04-09-2012, 01:46 AM
Mission review by Evil70th part 1
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil70th
Federation Mission - L.F.V. Saga Ep 1: Relapse
Author: Gingie
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HH3QNN7AU

----------Report Start (Part 1)-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with a very in depth story. The map design is very well done and the story is very detailed. The battles are fun and a good diversion. There are several spelling errors which I have identified below but I would still recommend this mission to other players.

The use of the response button “Continue” is used quite extensively throughout the mission and I wanted to note that. I think you should consider changing the use to something more in line with the dialogue, especially when it comes to BOFF reports. There are some uses where it works but in general I feel it should be replaced with something else. I did note you used it with the “Jen: and dialogue” in a few places which is definitely a good use of the button. I cannot recall having seen it used as a response for an NPC before. I liked that.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "You are ordered us to investigate" to read "You are ordered to investigate".

Mission Task: The task is okay. Consider adding the sector block as well. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Starbase Unknown: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "That is strange" or something along those lines.
-The "Tactical BOFF" dialogue; consider removing "[ShipName]" following "[MissionInfo]Approach the outpost.[MissionInfo]"
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Yellow alert".
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point I will note the maps where this is used and cover it in detail in the summary above.
-The "Unknown ship" dialogue; consider changing "lower your shileds" to read "lower your shields".
-Consider changing "I want your captain to beam" to read "I want your Captain to beam".
-Consider setting up a trigger that would cause the ship to appear as the dialogue regarding "Starship decloaking directly ahead" starts.

USS Mnemosyne: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point back a little more in the alcove. Two of my BOFF’s materialized in the middle of the bridge.
-Consider adding a button that completes the dialogue and one that causes the initial dialogue to repeat at the end of the "What ship is this" and "What is an Orion doing on a Starfleet vessel".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider moving the guard, standing to the right of the doorway to the ready room as the player approaches, a little north as they appear to be standing in mid air.
-The "Admiral Wilcott" dialogue; consider changing "I appologize for the decpetion" to read "I apologize for the deception".
-The "I don't like being misled" dialogue; consider changing "Thats your choice" to read "That's your choice".
-The "What is the last known location" dialogue; consider changing "they have ben out of contact" to read "they have been out of contact".
-The "Map Transfer" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Search for the FORSYTHE" to read "Energize".

Starbase Unknown#2: This map seems unnecessary as it has one short dialogue and then the "Map Transfer" dialogue. If you decide this is a needed map consider designing a map using a warp effect with the “Vor” system appearing after the player drops from warp.

Griphon, Vor 3: This is a good map design with good battles and well written dialogue. I will cover a combination of the previous map and this one using warp space in the summary. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "Klingon signatures in the vacinity" to read "Klingon signatures in the vicinity".
-Consider changing the "Map Transfer" dialogue response button "Transport to the FORSYTHE" to read "Energize".

USS Forsythe: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Commander Corspa" dialogue; consider changing "speak in present commpany" to read "speak in present company".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "breath before begining" to read "breath before beginning".
-Consider changing "We were investigating an abbandoned Klingon" to read "We were investigating an abandoned Klingon".
-Consider changing the response button "Sounds like a terrible case of Rigalien Flu" to read "Sounds like a terrible case of Rigelian flu".
-Consider changing "Thats what we thought" to read "That's what we thought".
-Consider changing "Her last momnet of lucidity" to read "Her last moment of lucidity".
-Consider changing "furnature being thrown" to read "furniture being thrown".
-Consider changing "wearing down at our shileds" to read "wearing down our shields".
-Consider changing "we finaly understood" to read "we finally understood".
-Consider changing "Thats a misconseption" to read "That's a misconception".
-Consider changing "any way to do it wothout you" to read "any way to do it without you".
-Consider changing "Thats because, [Rank]" to read "That's because, [Rank]".
-Consider changing "I was geneticly engineered" to read "I was genetically engineered".
-Consider changing "without a second though snap a human" to read "without a second thought snap a human".
-The turbolift is slightly higher than the deck and not quite centered in the passageway.

Program De'Liah 13: This is a good map design with a challenging battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding “De’Liah” and “Medical Hologram” NPC’s that appear on the map triggered after the battle.

---------End Report (Part 1)----------

Report part 2 to follow...
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
04-09-2012, 01:53 AM
Review by Evil70th part 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil70th
Federation Mission - L.F.V. Saga Ep 1: Relapse
Author: Gingie
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HH3QNN7AU

----------Report Start (Part 2)-----------

MAPS:
Aux Control: This is a good map design. The story dialogue is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the turbolift and spawn point closer to the “Aux Control” room.
-Consider changing "Our existance" to read "Our existence".
-The "You are a clandestine fleet" dialogue; consider changing "Thats correct" to read "That's correct".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "preform research" to read "perform research".
-The "What does that have to do" dialogue; consider changing "Its the same for everyone" to read "It's the same for everyone".
-The "I don't understand" dialogue; consider changing "That as much as I can say" to read "That's as much as I can say".
-The "Admiral Wilcott" dialogue; consider changing "You approach the pair catiously" to read "You approach the pair cautiously".
-Consider changing "De'Liah wrikles her nose" to read "De'Liah wrinkles her nose".
-The "Are you feeling better, Captain" dialogue; consider changing "phycological" to read "physiological".
-Consider changing "affected me physicly" to read "physically".
-The "Did you find anything new" dialogue; consider changing "It was enginered" to read "It was engineered".
-Consider changing "and loosed all self control" to read "and looses all self control".
-Consider changing "Corspa light up" to read "Corspa lights up".
-Consider changing "We will be making for the abbandoned outpost" to read "We will be making for the abandoned outpost".

Abandoned Outpost: This is a good map design with a tough battle. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The "Tactical BOFF" dialogue; consider changing "Its Romulan" to read "It's Romulan".
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "No additional ships in the vacinity" to read "No additional ships in the vicinity".
-Consider changing "And not a momnet too soon" to read "And not a moment too soon".
-Consider changing "We had a confrontation with a romulan" to read "We had a confrontation with a Romulan".

Abandoned Listening Station: This is a good map design with great battles; however the map has a pathing issue that needs to be reported. It causes one of the BOFF's to get stuck in the first room, and another to get stuck in the second room. This is not something you can fix and needs to be reported to the Dev’s. The story dialogue is very detailed and well written. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], We have entered the outpost" to read "[Rank], we have entered the outpost".
-The post "Examine Databanks" dialogue; consider changing "this base was abbandoned" to read "this base was abandoned".
-Consider changing "and obviously klingon voice" to read "and obviously Klingon voice".
-Consider changing "[Rank], We have been quarantined by the look of it" to read "[Rank], we have been quarantined by the looks of it".
-The post "Find the Virus data" dialogue; consider changing "These apear to be personel reports" to read "These appear to be personnel reports".
-Consider adding more respawn points deeper into the map other than the last one.
-In one of the battles two of the Klingons appear on top of a console.
-The post "Scan the Missing Room" dialogue; consider changing "source of the Tachyon emission" to read "source of the tachyon emission".
-Consider changing "it looks like a romulan cloaking device" to read "it looks like a Romulan cloaking device".
-Consider changing "Reccomend caution" to read "Recommend caution".
-Consider setting a separate trigger to remove the door. The dialogue seems odd with the door gone and being able to see into the room.
-The post "Disable Cloaking device" dialogue; consider changing "as wel as" to read "as well as".
-The post "Revive Wilcott" dialogue; consider changing "the Andorian Fist officer" to read "the Andorian First officer".
-The "What is going on here" dialogue; consider changing the response button "So you work on Genetic enginering" to read "So you work on genetic engineering".
-Consider changing "I weild the power of god" to read "I wield the power of god".
-The "What do you have to do with" dialogue; consider changing "the mental dicipline to truly weild their strength and inteligence" to read "the mental discipline to truly wield their strength and intelligence".
-Consider changing "use my expertice" to read "use my expertise".
-The "What do you know about Wilcott" dialogue; consider changing "in a sence" to read "in a sense".
-Consider changing "the chromasome structure" to read "the chromosome structure".
-Consider changing "the chromeasome pairs" to read "the chromosome pairs".
-Consider changing "Their chromasome structure" to read "the chromosome structure".
-Consider changing "Your Starfleet Inteligence took over" to read "Your Starfleet Intelligence took over".
-Consider changing "mutation made her exceptionaly suseptable" to read "mutation made her exceptionally susceptible".
-Consider changing "The jamming device must be controled from in here somewhere" to read "The jamming device must be controlled from in here somewhere".
-Consider changing "[Rank] Send the data" to read "[Rank], send the data".
-The post "Upload Data" dialogue; consider changing "Thats it" to read "That's it".
-Consider changing "I would personaly" to read "I would personally".
-The post “Disable jamming signal” dialogue; consider changing “warriors straming in through the enterance” to read “warriors streaming through the entrance”.

Abandoned Outpost#2: This is a good map design and a nice wrap to the mission. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "proof of this treatchery and the treatchery of the" to read "proof of this treachery and the treachery of the".
-Consider changing "synthisized from" to read "synthesized from".
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "The Romulan will be persued" to read "The Romulan will be pursued".
-Consider changing "will keep this even quiet" to read "will keep this quiet".
-Consider changing "report with Starfleet Inteligence" to read "report with Starfleet Intelligence".

---------End Report (Part 2)----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Your story is quite intriguing and a lot of fun. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 5
04-09-2012, 01:54 AM
Thanks again to Evil70th for the review and suggested corrections. I am happy to say my numerous spelling and grammatical errors are corrected.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 6
04-09-2012, 07:49 PM
When I originally created this mission there were no slidebars in the costume creator. Since I went in and corrected the spelling errors I also decided to do some tweaking of the NPC models to include face and body shape changes as well as updating uniforms.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 7
04-09-2012, 08:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gingie
Thanks again to Evil70th for the review and suggested corrections. I am happy to say my numerous spelling and grammatical errors are corrected.
Glad I could help.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 8
05-25-2012, 06:50 PM
Updated banner
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 9
05-25-2012, 09:45 PM
Hey Gingie I just played the first mission.

While I do like the story and the twist at the end, there are still numerous spelling mistakes and typos which really detracted from an otherwise pretty good first episode
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 10
05-26-2012, 10:11 PM
Crap, thought I took care of all those. I'll get to it as soon as the new challenge is over. Thanks for playing. I am glad you enjoyed it.

Number one Foundry tool upgrade: Spell check.
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