Foundry Mission Name: "A Relic's Return (Conclusion)"[/size]
Project ID: ST-HG5XD7S6B
Faction: Star Fleet
Staring Location: Regulus Sector Block - Veela System
Mission Description: Now that you and your crew have discovered a possible location of the Kintaran relic; you need to determine if an Orion Syndicate base is in that star system, and conduct negotiations for the relic's return to the Kintarans.
This concludes the story started in my first mission "A Relic's Return" (which made the Grand Nagus' Mission list) ; and it really does have quite a TOS hook to it that I hope players will like, and again, if you really want to experience the full story, and you haven't done so yet - play "A Relic's Return" before you play this one.
Federation Mission - A Relic's Return
ST - HRGENW9BKB
Summary: This was an excellent mission! Very well written and the map designs were well put together. There are a few very minor issues listed below. Throughout the Map Text was being used as the Mission Task Text which was also provided. Essentially this is duplicating the effort of describing the task. You should consider using the Map Text feature to give an overall theme to that map. For example; “Hunting Orion Raiders” or something to that affect. As indicated by my minimal notes on each map you did a great job. There are folks who don’t like lots of dialog. I don’t mind it if it adds to the story of the mission. You did that with this mission. Great job, and thanks for authoring.
Mission Description: Good write up.
Grant Mission Dialog: Excellent write up and instructions on where to go.
Mission Task: Good tasking giving clear instructions on where to go.
Mission Entry Prompt: Very well done.
MAPS: Briar Patch Encounter: The Map Text shouldn’t be the same as the mission task text. - Dialog buttons punctuation; “So,given” should be “So, given” and “situation,what” should be “situation, what”.
Kintara Prime: Excellent writing and map design. Again the Map Text shouldn’t be the same as the mission task text.
Kintaran Council Chamber: Very well done. Great writing and map design. The story was engaging.
Return Trip To Regulus Sector: Well done. Good balanced fight. The Map Text shouldn’t be the same as the mission task text.
I'll review "A Relic's Return (Conclusion)" as soon as possible.
Federation Mission - A Relic's Return (Conclusion)
Summary: I want to start off by saying that both missions were really well written. Your development of the story and the characters within it were also really well done. Yes the second mission is pretty long and heavy on dialog but that works, at least for me, if the story is engaging. Yours story and dialog were very engaging. Some minor issues are noted below for each area that I felt you needed to work on like minor spelling issues noted below for each map as appropriate.
Some issues are personal preference, like the “breaking of the fourth wall”. In case this is not clear, this is when an actor breaks character and talks directly to the audience. In your missions you did this on pretty much every map. For example, you give the player a hint regarding the use of “ships scanner” or away team “tricorder” to find something. For some this might be needed but I suspect most players do this out of instinct especially when they know there is an object somewhere on the map. Again this is a personal preference but for me it was mildly distracting and not needed. If you feel the information may be needed by the player I would suggest finding a way through dialog from a specific character to insert the information. That would be less distracting. I noted on each Map below this being done.
Another minor issue is the use of the Map Text versus the Mission Task. Using the Map Text to display the Mission Task as well is a little redundant. It should be used to describe the overall Map purpose. For example; “Reach Planetary Orbit” or something to that affect. It is a common issue that even I did on some of my early missions. It is not a show stopper but can serve to interfere with reading the specific mission tasks in the mission task window. I noted on each Map below this being done.
There is one last item regarding Colonel Jensen. I liked the character and the story point. Colonel Jensen is first referenced in the story on the first Veela System map. I would suggest adding a portion of the story in the lead in somewhere regarding the Colonel and his troops. Something like the players character wondering why they are needed or something like that. Again this is not a show stopper just and observation.
So with all that said I would like to reiterate how much I enjoyed your missions. They both were very engaging and well written. For me the story is more important than just flying around blow stuff up. That is fun too but not nearly as important to me. Great job and thanks for authoring.
Mission Description: Good description.
Grant Mission Dialog: Suggest removing the note. You provided enough info in the description and if they didn't play the previous they should.
Mission Task: Good task info
Mission Entry Prompt: Excepting that Map Transition entry limits what you can do with them, you've done a good job with them. - Breaking the fourth wall.
MAPS: Veela System (Orion Syndicate Asteriod Base): I suppose this is a personal preference but the Map Text should not be a repeat of the Mission Task. - Breaking the fourth wall. - Spelling error; map name should be "Asteroid" vice Asteriod". - Second dialog sequence; it reads "approimate location" should be "approximate location". - Disabling SATs: I liked the effect you used and I was actually hoping I'd get jumped on the first one by Orion's and you didn't disappoint.
Orion Syndicate Base (Interior): The fourth wall again. - Again Map Text should not be a repeat of the Mission Task. - Good dialog with Colonel Jensen throughout. - Good balanced fights.
Veela System (Transwarp To Star System NGC-XO-MUDD): Fourth wall again. - Map Text versus Mission Task. - Ambassador dialog button; "Yes,but" should be "Yes, but". - Transwarp effect was excellent despite the limitations of the map transfer within the Foundry. Good job.
Star System NGC-XO-MUDD (Comet): Fourth wall. - Map text and Mission task again. - Good dialog and storytelling with the exception of the breaking the fourth wall. - Good balanced ship fights. - The dialog with the Orion Captain was very well written.
Conference Room Three (Deck 5): Fourth wall again. - Map text and Mission task again. - Device dialog button; reads "planet.Explain" should be "planet. Explain" - Dialog was well written and drew me into the story. It also made me laugh out loud with the "Battle A.X.E.” reference. Good job!
Planet Mudd (Class-K): Map Text versus Mission task. - Well done on the placement of the drones. It was fun avoiding them.
Domed Android Facility: Fourth wall. - Map Text versus Mission Task. - Good balanced battle into the facility. - Good story development and execution. - Dialog button: "Actually,I" should be "Actually, I"
Transwarp From Planet Mudd Back To Veela System: Fourth wall. - Map Text versus Mission Task. - Dialog with H.F.M. Mark Two, very well done. - The Transwarp exit effect was very nice. Good job.
Veela System (End Of Mission): Map Text versus Mission Task. - Entry from the Transwarp Conduit was very well done. It looked like I flew right through the hole in the asteroid. Great work! - Great ending to the story. You wrapped it up nicely.
Thanks again for authoring. You did a great job and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Evil70th - just wanted to say thank you for the great feedback.
The dialogue button issue with missing spaces here and there was a conscious chioce in that, as you know, you have limited letter space in those buttons, so if I had to sacrifice a space here and there to complete a line of dialogue for those; I made the decision to do so as (IMO) the spacing issue isn't that noticable there unless you really know what you're looking for. If, when I doing a typo runthrough, I can figure out a way to say the same thing with less words (without changing the intent of the line), I will.
As for the '4th wall' sotuation, I honestly get entirely where you're coming from, but since the missiona are available across the entire level spectrum, you'd be surprised how many 'thank you' message I got because (believe it or not); some new low level players didn't realize just how ship scanning woprked and what it did until they played "A Relic's Return"; so my thought was just to maintain consistency.
I really appreciate the rest of the stuff, as well as the list of typos I missed (which always annoy me as I run all the dialogue through a decent spell checker bofore I copy it back over top a dialogue box); but FYI - there's a bug currently with the Foundry publish function where, were I to republishe either mission at this time, both would become unplayable (as any component using a 'Complete All' trigger isn't working for ANY mission published after the 9/15/11 patch); and that's why I'm happy was was able to get "A Relic's Return (Conclusion)" published just prior to that patch going Live.
Once the publishing issue is resolved 9and verified); i'll go back and dtart fixing the ex[posed types, etc. But I did want to say thanks for the through feedback to you and everyone else whos left or mailed feedback on the mission.