Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 11
10-15-2011, 07:20 PM
Woow.. thank you for your feedback! And even more thank you for your grammatic corrections! I will made the corrections right now, and will add your name for the credits!

It is good when some one give you a good review, but is even better when that player is a author too! Thank you for that!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 12
10-16-2011, 04:17 AM
I played your mission and enjoyed it. Nice work on the interior levels and the ground map. I really enjoyed the whole thing and look forward to the next part. The text is actually pretty good for someone who doesn't speak English as their first language, although there are some things that could be improved.

I took some notes to help improve the dialogue, and some of the objectives, as well as a couple of bugs I noticed in the maps. I hope these are some help to you, because it took a fair amount of time for me to make note of all of them. Sorry if these aren't all exactly clear. I listed them in the order I encountered them but I was trying not to take too long, so I didn't always put down a whole lot of info on where I found them.

Space:
  1. Investigate damaged ship- dialogue button says "life sings", should be "life signs"
  2. "People's lives is in your hands", should be "People's lives are in your hands".
  3. Objective to "Eliminate Borgs ships" should be "Eliminate Borg ships."
  4. "That's last one there is no more." should be "That's the last one, there aren't anymore."
  5. Dialogue line starts with "Most of the base" (sorry didn't write the whole sentence down): "but is" should be "but it is"
  6. "My attempts at communication are not successful", should be "My attempts at communication have not been successful."
  7. "be also" is kind of awkward (if maybe not technically wrong), reversing the words to "also be" would be better.
  8. Line about the "fall back centre", centre is British spelling, might be better to use "center" instead. Also, the sentence is a run-on. It should be changed so that it has a colon before the second part "...fall back center: the borg can't transport in, but neither can we." Either that or make the second part an entirely separate sentence: "The Borg can't transport in, but neither can we."
  9. "A discrete shuttle approach it is [rank]" you need a comma before the rank (this is a common mistake throughout, every time there's [rank] or a sir there should be a comma before).
  10. Dialogue button: "Ok, Assemble", either there should be a period after Ok, or Assemble should not be capitalized (also later on you spell Ok as Okay, go with one or the other for uniformity). I'm not actually sure you need the "Ok" at all, to be honest.

Shuttle Bay
  1. Sumari line about "Your tactical officer has already coordinated... " the end "with myself." should be "with me."
  2. Descriptive text "finger on the map..." should be "finger at the map..."
  3. "this position" should be "these positions", unless they are both going to the exact same position, and even so "these positions" sounds better.
  4. Descriptive text: "Sumari again draws the map with her finger." that should at a minimum be "Sumari again draws on the map with her finger." However, it might be better to change it to something like "Sumari again indicates to the map with her finger." or "Sumari again indicates to locations on the map with her finger."
  5. "Both teams will hold their positions, to cover..." There shouldn't be a comma before "to cover". Also, I'd change this to read: "Both teams will hold their positions to help cover..."

City Map
  1. Objective: "Defend your self", yourself should only be one word.
  2. At least in my play through it felt like the number of dead/injured MACOs in the text was way too low. A couple of teams got wiped during the fight. I know it won't be the same for everyone though, just giving you my experience.
  3. Star Fleet should be Starfleet.
  4. Dabo girl: "You save me", should be "You saved me"
  5. Dabo girl: "Is safe now...customers will come any time" should be "It's safe now.", then start a new sentence "Customers will come in at any time." or maybe change it to "The customers will be back soon!"
  6. Residential building has z-fighting issues with the wall (they are flickering in and out). Two walls of the same thickness can't be at the exact same coordinates or this happens. You need to move one back by .001 to eliminate this problem.
  7. Didn't feel it was realistic that Starfleet officers would care that much about the Federation flag (not enough to risk their lives). I'd replace that with some sort of vital data pad or something along those lines. But it's an optional objective anyway, so it's your call.
  8. Med Bay also has a wall with z-fighting issues, same .001 remedy as above.

Inside Base
  1. Explanation about the base: "military underground" is not correct, and needs to be changed to "underground military", the current way it's written makes it sound like it's some sort of underground resistance base, not that it's a military base that's underground.
  2. "in the border" should be "on the border"
  3. "defensive equipments", should be "defensive equipment" with no s at the end.
  4. Objective text in dialogue reads: "Access to the base.", that should either be "Gain access to the base." or "Access the base."
  5. Doctor dialogue button: "Ok we do it." should be "Ok we'll do it."
  6. "I do agree" should simply be "I agree"
  7. Pakled officer dialogue button: "Are we on Ops?" should be changed either to "Are we at Ops?" or "Is this Ops?"
  8. "How do you graduate from Starfleet Academy?" should be "How did you graduate from Starfleet Academy?"
  9. "i am smart" the i should be capitalized.
  10. Database access: "This is interesting Sir apparently" should be "This is interesting, sir." Then start a new sentence starting with "Apparently..."
  11. "lose all its energy" should be changed either to "lose all of its power" or "lose power completely"
  12. Another "lives is in your hands" needs to be "lives are in your hands"
  13. Tactical officer suggestion has numerous problems: Click this link for a fix.
  14. Engineering officer suggestion about putting the computer in diagnostic mode: there are numerous problems, but I don't understand exactly what you're trying to say here, so I don't know how to fix it. Please explain exactly what the issue is with the power systems/dampening field going off suddenly and I can try to help edit the dialogue. Here's a link to the dialogue.
  15. Dialogue button: "Thank you all for your suggestions." might read better as "Thank you for your suggestions."

Starbase
  1. It seems to me that Minerva advanced too quickly through the ranks, even for an android. She got to captain in about 5 years. Maybe there is no choice due to the STO timeline, but if possible I'd decrease her pace of advancement so that it takes at least 10 years to hit captain. Even that would still be very fast.
  2. Map name: "Aftermach" should be "Aftermath"

Ship
  1. "Welcome to the USS..." there needs to be a comma before [rank].
  2. "The captain is awaiting in..." this should be "The captain is awaiting you in..." or "The captain is waiting for you in..."
  3. "Observation lounge 3". The name of the room is "Observation Lounge 3", so lounge should also be capitalized.
  4. "This it's just a cargo bay, nothing of our interest here." should be "This is just a cargo bay, there's nothing of interest here." (replace "it's" with "is", add "there" and remove "our")
  5. "Fek'ihri have took the captain's sehlat." should be "Fek'ihri have taken the captain's sehlat."
  6. End of holodeck program. "Yes please" should be "Yes, please." "Agree" should be "Agreed"
  7. "Starfleet has monitoring stations distributed..." the section "...sector, being the main one, the one located at Starbase 82" should be "...sector, the main one being located at Starbase 82
  8. "That is why I decided..." may be better as "For that reason, I decided..."
  9. "...where I found something that can be classified as a mystery." should be "where I found something that could be classified as a mystery.
  10. "After the Borg invasion in the Cestus colony..." this should be changed to "After the Borg invasion of the Cestus colony, I began to investigate the probability that a Borg fleet would not be detected by our sensor network in that sector."
  11. "...I have ascertained that the chances were less than 1.4426%", I think would be better if it were "chances are less than 1.4426%"
  12. "...main sensor array of the Starbase is automatically..." should be "...main sensor array of the Starbase was automatically...
  13. "But this maintenance..." might be better as "However, this maintenance..." (more android-like, IMO, but it's your call)
  14. "But that is not all..." I'd suggest dropping the "But" and changing this to "That is not all..."
  15. "...the USS Ceibal is shown in close proximity of the Mutara nebula." should be "...the USS Ceibal is shown in close proximity to the Mutara nebula."
  16. "...the ship was in the proximity of the Vorn system at that time" The sentence is correct, however having proximity used two times so close together is kind of awkward. You could change it so that it says "...the ship was in the vicinity of the Vorn system at that time".
  17. "Similar discordances...", I believe "Similar discrepancies..." would be better.
  18. Dialogue button: "Could be a simple malfunction?" should be "Could it be a simple malfunction?"
  19. Commander statement about something "unusual happended" happened is spelled wrong.
  20. "Sir, I apologize for the outburst of my first officer." would be better as "Sir, I apologize for my first officer's outburst."
  21. "For the moment..." I'd recommend changing this sentence to "With the information we currently have at our disposal, we cannot yet make that determination." or alternatively "...we cannot yet come to that conclusion."
  22. "My orders from Admiral Anker were to inform...", I'd revise this whole part to read "Admiral Anker asked me to inform you of our line of investigation. However, for the moment the Admiral would like to maintain a low profile. [paragraph break] For the time being, you are to resume the normal course of your missions. When we have gathered more information we will contact you with further details."
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 13
10-16-2011, 06:52 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nagorak View Post
I played your mission and enjoyed it. Nice work on the interior levels and the ground map. I really enjoyed the whole thing and look forward to the next part. The text is actually pretty good for someone who doesn't speak English as their first language, although there are some things that could be improved.
Thank you for that! I am glad that you enjoy it.
It is an honor that some one that made a great mission like you (maybe the best I play) enjoy it my mission!
Thanks


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nagorak View Post
I took some notes to help improve the dialogue, and some of the objectives, as well as a couple of bugs I noticed in the maps. I hope these are some help to you, because it took a fair amount of time for me to make note of all of them. Sorry if these aren't all exactly clear. I listed them in the order I encountered them but I was trying not to take too long, so I didn't always put down a whole lot of info on where I found them.
I wish I could give medals or something like that to people that help me with this mission! You and the others that help me, have prove that the Star Trek community is the best! Thank you!
I just finish to republish the mission with your corrections, and ive added your name to the credits, if is ok with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nagorak View Post
Engineering officer suggestion about putting the computer in diagnostic mode: there are numerous problems, but I don't understand exactly what you're trying to say here, so I don't know how to fix it. Please explain exactly what the issue is with the power systems/dampening field going off suddenly and I can try to help edit the dialogue. Here's a link to the dialogue.
Well, what I did try to say was that if you try to turn off the power to the dampening field, the main power could overload. Is for that, that you should divert the power to another sub system, so the power of the dampening could diminish it slowly, with out a overload. The risk here will be that it takes some time.
If you have some possible fix here, I will me more than happie to add it to the mission!

Once again, thank you.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 14
10-18-2011, 09:36 PM
Hi, I just wanted to let you know I caught a couple of other text errors when replaying your mission to take a look at your shuttle bay (trying to get some ideas for mine, but I don't think it will live up to yours).

Anyway, at the beginning of the mission, and one or two other times it says "Borgs", Borg is also the plural form of the word, so you basically should never have an s on the end, except for if you're using an apostrophe for "Borg's" (something belonging to them).

I also saw that you've written "lifes". In its plural form the f from life turns into a v, so the word should be lives. Yeah, I know, English is a really ridiculous language.

On the selection for the type of cargo bay, it should just be "Science Ships" with no s on the end of science. Also, I'd include the Ships in the green text along with Science (cruiser already works without the word ship). And also with the line about Escorts, the word ship shouldn't be after Escorts. It's fine just to say "Escorts", but it's either that or "Escort ships" (with no s on Escort).
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 15
10-19-2011, 05:51 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nagorak View Post
Hi, I just wanted to let you know I caught a couple of other text errors when replaying your mission to take a look at your shuttle bay (trying to get some ideas for mine, but I don't think it will live up to yours).
I am sure you can do better, that shuttle bay only took me less than one day to build

Btw, I am going to "steal" your Warp effect in my next mission, that is going to take out one of the map transfers


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nagorak View Post
Anyway, at the beginning of the mission, and one or two other times it says "Borgs", Borg is also the plural form of the word, so you basically should never have an s on the end, except for if you're using an apostrophe for "Borg's" (something belonging to them).

I also saw that you've written "lifes". In its plural form the f from life turns into a v, so the word should be lives. Yeah, I know, English is a really ridiculous language.

On the selection for the type of cargo bay, it should just be "Science Ships" with no s on the end of science. Also, I'd include the Ships in the green text along with Science (cruiser already works without the word ship). And also with the line about Escorts, the word ship shouldn't be after Escorts. It's fine just to say "Escorts", but it's either that or "Escort ships" (with no s on Escort).
Thank you! Going to fix that now!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 16
10-23-2011, 07:35 AM
Hello all! The guys of Broadcast UGC have played Surrounded in the Episode 6 of the show!
Click here to watch the episode!


Thanks to the people of Broadcast UGC and Starbase UGC!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 17
11-03-2011, 04:41 AM
Due to the fact that the next patch affects the Foundry, I have decided to withdraw my mission until I can confirm that this patch does not break in a catastrophic way the foundry and its missions.

When the server is back on line, I am going to test the mission and if is goes without a problem, I will publish back.

Thank you
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 18
11-03-2011, 11:37 AM
I just finished playing the mission and seems fine. I've republished and is online again.
Thank you for understand.
Enjoy!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 19 Highly recommended
11-05-2011, 11:52 AM
If you like a good story, great map design and good battles then this is the mission for you. I highly recommend this mission.

Thanks for authoring!
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 20
12-01-2011, 03:46 AM
The mission is offline until we pass the Season 5 storm. Thanks for understanding.
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