Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 11 Nicely done!
11-07-2011, 06:31 PM
Just wanted to drop you a quick line and let you know that I loved this mission! It has been on my list of missions to play ever since I saw the Starbase UGC review. Between your innovative map design and compelling narrative style, I was thoroughly impressed. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who enjoys a good mystery.

What I most enjoyed about this mission was the writing. Although there were multiple typos scattered throughout the the dialogue, it was so well written that I actually didn't care. You did an amazing job of bringing your characters to life; my favorite was the Aenar who aids you with her telepathic abilities. Her descriptions of the minds of your suspects was hauntingly poetic.

Obviously, this kind of a mission isn't for everyone; those looking for an action trip or easy puzzles should look elsewhere. But I can say that this is one of the best missions I've played. As for the action...jumping out of an exploding tower (ala "Die Hard") onto a shuttle-craft was freakin awesome!

Thanks for all your hard work; can't wait to see what you come up with next!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pure_big_mad_boat_man
Captains.. I would be grateful if you would review:
'Mere Mortal Enemies'- ST-HK7V4FLG8 (currently to be found in "review content" tab)
Federation Mission: Mere Mortal Enemies
Author: Pure_big_mad_boat_man
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HK7V4FLG8

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This mission is a little long but still a great mission. You did a really good job in writing the story dialog. Your map design was quite good. I would definitely recommend this mission.

Below are a several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is s good mission description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.


Grant Mission Dialog: This is good dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In Admiral Patersons dialog; consider changing "a.s.a.p." to read "asap".
-Consider changing "At 2500 hours" to "At 2400 hours". This is the most common use of the military clock in regards to a 24 hour clock. If this usage is in reference to another time keeping system that you are aware of for STO please let me know.
-Consider changing "federations" to read "Federations".
-Consider changing the response button "Helm.. best speed for the vendor system." to read "Helm... Best speed to the Vendor system".

Mission Task: Good mission task with a clear description of where to start the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple and good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Darien System - Invasion Imminent!: This dialog for this map is very detailed and well written. The maps and trigger effects are very well done too. I liked the choice the player has to make. I noted several items to consider changing:
-Post scan the vicinity and report dialog; consider changing "captain" to read "Captain".
-Consider changing "starfleet" to "Starfleet".
-I was going to say something about "outwith" but then I looked it up and it is a UK use meaning "outside" which of course would fit. Iíll try to keep the Kings English in mind while reviewing the rest of the mission.
-Post "escape pod report" dialog; consider changing "The admiral's orders" to read "The Admiralís orders".
-I like the use of the "I'm aware of this [skips in depth dialog]" buttons although I did not use them. If you are going to use them consider moving the buttons to be available at the start of all log dialog sequences.
-Post "time we don't have" dialog; consider changing "try and confim if any" to read "try to confirm if any".
-Post "scan Coldstream" dialog; consider changing the response button to "Agreed" or something along those lines rather than "Continue".
-Consider changing "This is embarassing" to read "This is embarrassing."
-Consider changing "Embarassing for me" to read "Embarrassing for me".
-Consider changing "At the rate am goin'" to read "At the rate I'm going".
-I won't hit you for the "absa'-loot' pleasure" as I assume that is dramatic flair.
-Consider changing "Simmer down commander" to read "Simmer down Commander".
-Post "You have a theory" dialog; consider changing "victory that klingons" to read "victory that Klingons".
-Consider changing "they will have intensely difficult" to read "they will have an intensely difficult".
-Post "a cadet" dialog; "the klingons won't" to read "the Klingons won't".
-At this point I'm going to stop registering hits for "captain", "klingon" and "starfleet". Be sure to go through your dialog and buttons to check for the proper capitalization of all of those items.
-Post "deploy teams" dialog; consider changing "Security and medical teams report readiness" to read "Security and medical teams report ready Captain".
-Post "I just wanted to wish" dialog; consider changing "Thankyou Captain" to read "Thank you Captain".
-Post fleet battle dialog; consider changing "but i must insist" to read "but I must insist".
-Post planet orbit battle dialog; consider changing "While Lt. Comm D'cell's" to read "While LCDR D'cell's" or "While Lieutenant Commander D'cell's"

Darien Surface - Main Compound: This map design is excellent. The deployment of reinforcement elements is simply outstanding. The battles are tough but not impossible. I liked the method you came up with for getting the player down from the tower. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Beneath the Compound: This map is really well designed. The dialog is really good and the battles are a challenge but not impossible. I did come across the error with the dialog you mentioned in you "Disclaimer". Just a thought, you could try the same set up on a different test map. This would help to narrow down if the issue is related to the map you used or the method of setting up the dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Cadet Willoughby response to "random equipment" dialog; consider changing "Starfleet are trying" to read "Starfleet is trying".
-Did you write "Well 2 reasons" and then have the NPC give three reasons on purpose?

Darien Command Bunker: This is a very interesting map. The dialog is very well written with really good plot twists and turns. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The reference to 2500 hours. If this usage is in reference to another time keeping system that you are aware of for STO please let me know.
-Post "The Anstrath" dialog; consider changing "what am i looking at" to read "what am I looking at".
-Post Vulcan elder "Tre'van at 2500" dialog; consider changing the response button "afte rth attack" to read "after the attack".
-The next response button; consider changing "THanks for your testimony" to read "Thanks for your testimony".
-The Ferengi Captain response button; consider changing "Thankyou for your time" to read "Thank you for your time".
Cadet Willoughby response button; consider changing "You were teh last person" to read "You were the last person".
-Consider making the crew interactions and interviews appear in the order they are to be completed. This would save confusion on where to go to complete the next step of the mission.

Darien System - Vultures Circling: This is a good map with good dialog and a good tough battle. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Bridge: Nice simple map design with a good wrap up to the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Chef dialog response button; consider changing "Thankyou" to read "Thank you".
-VA dialog; consider changing "ThnakyouĒ to read "Thank you".

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to the sequel to this mission.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/09/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 13
11-09-2011, 11:33 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sovereign77x View Post
Just wanted to drop you a quick line and let you know that I loved this mission! It has been on my list of missions to play ever since I saw the Starbase UGC review. Between your innovative map design and compelling narrative style, I was thoroughly impressed. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who enjoys a good mystery.

What I most enjoyed about this mission was the writing. Although there were multiple typos scattered throughout the the dialogue, it was so well written that I actually didn't care. You did an amazing job of bringing your characters to life; my favorite was the Aenar who aids you with her telepathic abilities. Her descriptions of the minds of your suspects was hauntingly poetic.

Obviously, this kind of a mission isn't for everyone; those looking for an action trip or easy puzzles should look elsewhere. But I can say that this is one of the best missions I've played. As for the action...jumping out of an exploding tower (ala "Die Hard") onto a shuttle-craft was freakin awesome!

Thanks for all your hard work; can't wait to see what you come up with next!
Hey thanks sovereign.. I'm chuffed* that you enjoyed the mission

Very few people have mentioned the writing specifically as a positive so far in reviews (I was beginning to wonder if I'd just gotten delusions of having any sort of writing chops!) so I'm particularly glad you got a kick out of that as well as the novelty of being a trek version of John McClane.

Further to comments and reviews so far: I'm planning on making a thorough sweep for spelling errors over the next few evenings.. and I'm also giving serious thought into splitting this mission into 2. (Part 1 will end at the point where you find the murderer's victims.)

I look forward to trying out the Deadly intentions series when i get a chance and shall let you know how I get on with it.

And as for you Mr Evil 70th, you scarily prolific and thorough reviewing machine , I have sent you a pm so check your inbox...

Also.. I just found out! It's just Bajor that has a 26 hour clock, all this time I thought it was Starfleet overall. I stand corrected sir! (This is what I get for being a Niner :p) I think what I will do is go back and edit all mentions of time to "2500 hours local time".. this should do the trick in clearing that up.


* "chuffed"- Enthused and encouraged, (Scottish)
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 14
11-09-2011, 05:42 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pure_big_mad_boat_man
Hey thanks sovereign.. I'm chuffed* that you enjoyed the mission
You're very welcome! The praise is well deserved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pure_big_mad_boat_man
Very few people have mentioned the writing specifically as a positive so far in reviews (I was beginning to wonder if I'd just gotten delusions of having any sort of writing chops!)
You're not delusional. I was amazed at how you created enormous depth in your characters within just a few short pieces of dialogue; I've rarely seen characters come alive so vividly. I believe you're being held back in the reviews by the numerous technical problems in your writing (grammar, spelling, etc.). Normally, these would bother me as well; however, I can easily overlook them when someone's writing transcends its role of "getting me to the next objective" and actually becomes art.

I strongly recommend implementing all of the suggestions offered by Evil70th (he truly is a reviewing machine!) Another suggestion I would offer is to play the mission with fleet members/friends who have strong proofreading skills. You should conduct these play-throughs with voice chat, and keep a meticulous record of all the mistakes your friends identify. This really is a great mission with outstanding writing, and it deserves better than to be held back by unnecessary technical issues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pure_big_mad_boat_man
I look forward to trying out the Deadly intentions series when i get a chance and shall let you know how I get on with it.
Careful...I might hold you to that!

Thanks again for all your hard work in creating this mission. You've given me some great ideas that I hope to implement in future Foundry missions of my own.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 15
11-09-2011, 08:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pure_big_mad_boat_man
And as for you Mr Evil 70th, you scarily prolific and thorough reviewing machine , I have sent you a pm so check your inbox...

Also.. I just found out! It's just Bajor that has a 26 hour clock, all this time I thought it was Starfleet overall. I stand corrected sir! (This is what I get for being a Niner :p) I think what I will do is go back and edit all mentions of time to "2500 hours local time".. this should do the trick in clearing that up.

* "chuffed"- Enthused and encouraged, (Scottish)
Thanks for the compliment. I do what I can. Also thanks for clearing up the 2500 for me. I think your idea to edit that reference as local time is a great idea.

Thanks again for authoring, and Iíll read the PM this evening while Iím getting ready for another round of reviews.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 16
11-11-2011, 03:34 PM
Mission republished with spelling and grammar corrections as suggested by Evil70th
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 17
11-11-2011, 04:55 PM
Hey PBMBM, I know we originally reviewed your mission for BitesizeUGC, but we had talked of "revisiting" prior reviews sometimes if things were changed significantly, and because we couldn't complete the mission previously IIRC, maybe you would be interested in this revisiting?

The format and schedule isnt totally determined yet. Just seeing if you were interested.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 18
11-12-2011, 02:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RogueEnterprise View Post
Hey PBMBM, I know we originally reviewed your mission for BitesizeUGC, but we had talked of "revisiting" prior reviews sometimes if things were changed significantly, and because we couldn't complete the mission previously IIRC, maybe you would be interested in this revisiting?

The format and schedule isnt totally determined yet. Just seeing if you were interested.
Hey thanks alot for the offer. The planned changes are not that extensive beyond the actual splitting of the mission into a 2 parter. Beyond that I may just add some more boff prompts for folks who struggle with the last puzzle... (and maaaaybe..if i have time:p.. I'lll go back and do what Nagorak suggested and implement another consequence to stopping to help the ship at the start.)

I shall post up when the changes take place, but I leave it to you to decide wether it merits another review. Am happy either way. (Although if you're gonna review something of mine then I'd love it if you did the sequel when it comes out! )

In the mean time you guys should do a KDF mission! I'm sure there's alot of KDF authors out there who'd appreciate the extra plays a review will bring.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 19
11-13-2011, 12:25 PM


Here is a work in progress of the poster for 'The Treacherous Path'.. Which is the continuation of 'Mere Mortal Enemies'

Posting this shall surely motivate me to finish it!

(edit: My girlfriend's just wandered in, took one look at this and said: "battle royale anyone?"...oh dear, may have to rethink it!) :p
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 20
11-14-2011, 01:51 AM
Just wanted to add a reply to your mission.
This ist definatly among the best I have ever played in this game, and it puts cryptic to shame ( just my honest opinion).
The storytelling and dialog really did capture and hold me, kept me interested in the story the whole time.
I spent at least 2hrs on your mission and enjoyed every minute of that.
Branching dialogs, different options and an impact of your decisions, just wonderful!
Its missions like these that remind me why I still play this game.
Let me just say a big thank you for your hard work, I am looking forward to your next project.

I could not decide wether to aid my crew or follow orders to support the fleet, i chose the latter and later on you made me feel very bad for leaving my security team behind. Gonna give this a replay
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