Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ogremerc
Heya Evil70th.

Got another mission I'd like to request a review for when you've got an hour or so to spare. Thanks in advance!

Mission Name: At the Center of the Mind
Author: Ogremerc
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HP2VCP8UP
Estimated Mission Length: 60 minutes, possibly longer if all optional dialogue is read.
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

Additional Info here:
At the Center of the Mind

I'd like to echo others in the Foundry community when I say I'm really grateful for these in depth reviews, they really help a lot, especially picking out all the little details that pass you by on the 300th or so read through.

-Ogremerc
Federation Mission: At the Center of the Mind
Author: Ogremerc
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HP2VCP8UP

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. The writing was great. The map design was excellent and the battles were tough but not impossible. I did almost hit you for recognises, organising and defence in the dialog but it occurs to me that those might be the UK English version of those words. So I let them go. Your execution of interact effects in this mission are outstanding, particularly on the "Vulcan" map. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great story, excellent maps and tough battles.

Just to clarify a point that I have made in this report and others regarding the use of "Continue" as a response button. As a response to most dialog it doesn’t feel like it works very well. Particularly when given in response to a bridge officer report regarding any element happening in the mission. There are some areas in this mission and others were I didn’t call it out. In this mission there were two or three towards the end of the "Vulcan" map but they seemed to work there. In my missions I usually will replace them with "…" if there is no appropriate response to the dialog. It just seems less intrusive to me.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good brief description with just enough to make me want to click "Hail". I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a very nice grant dialog. I like the comment from the bridge officer about being "a nice relaxing assignment". That is a nice touch. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: This is a good mission task providing clear instructions on where to go to start the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a nice simple prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
P'Jem System: This is a great map design from the tough battles to the effect triggers. The dialog is really good. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Captain Saleia dialog; consider changing "an upgrade for the [ShipName]s sensor array" to read "an upgrade for the [ShipName]’s sensor array".
-Consider changing the response button "We'll be happy to assist" to read "We'd be happy to assist".
-Post "Scan Asteroid" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.
-Post "Scan Nebula" dialog; did you mean "gravimetric fluctuations" vice "gravitic fluctuations"?
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Red alert" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the post battle dialog response button "Thats one hell of a grudge" to read "That's one hell of a grudge".
-Consider changing the post "Aid Vulcan Vessels" battle dialog response button "Not the monastary" to read "Not the monastery".

P'Jem Monastary Redux: This is a really good map design and the battles are tough but not impossible to beat given enough time. The dialog is great and I liked the response button that mentions the "relaxing" comment from the Grant Mission dialog. I really liked the map transition dialog with the Vulcan doctor. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the post "Defeat Klingon Squads" battles dialog response button "Continue" to read "Let's go" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the post "A cry for Help" dialog response button "Try and stabilise him" to read "Try to stabilize him".
-Be careful with the "diagnose the Klingons to death" from the bridge officer. Some players may have a Vulcan Tactical officer.
-Consider creating a re-spawn point closer to the second round of fighting. My team had to run all the way back up the hill and of course by the time we got back up there the Vulcan Marines were all dead.
-Consider changing the post "Assist the Defenders dialog response "Continue" to read "Me either" or something along those lines.

Sick Bay: This story dialog is great. The map design is very well done. I really liked the crew interactive dialog and the apology to “Vulcan Captains”. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "yet alone standing" to read "let alone standing".
-Consider changing the response button "vulcan" to read "Vulcan".
-Consider changing "in the T'Kavars medical" to read "in the T'Kavar's medical".

Unknown: The story dialog is great and I like the skip dialog button. I didn’t use it of course but I like the way you worded it. I also like the “pinch of dna” response button as well. The map is very well done and the battle was tough but not unwinnable. I really liked the names you gave the enemies in the battles. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Stellys the Wise dialog; consider changing "murdered by a klinogn swordmaster" to read "murdered by a Klingon swordmaster".
-Consider changing "read about klingon scriptures" to read "read about Klingon scriptures".
-Consider changing the response button "At the monastary" to read "At the monastery".
-Consider changing "I apologise for" and "again I apologise" to read "I apologize for" and "again I apologize".

Sick Bay#2: This story dialog is excellent. I did note a couple of “Continue” response buttons in the dialog however they didn’t seem completely out of place. The map is as good as the previous Sick Bay map. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Vulcan: The story dialog and writing are outstanding. The map design is great. This is a good wrap up to the story. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing dialog "attached to the P'Jem monastary" to read "attached to the P'Jem monastery".
-Consider changing dialog "attacking the P'Jem monastary" to read "attacking the P'Jem monastery".

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review more of your work. This is a great mission from start to finish. Keep up the great work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/18/2011 on forum posting for: At the Center of the Mind.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by trekkie1994 View Post
I have made 4 missions of my Orion Series - The Orion & the Omega.
Federation Mission: Orion Series - The Orion & the Omega
Author: trekkie1994
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HEQ2WRZEG

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: The overall mission concept is great however the story itself and some of the maps need more detail. Many players like a good "no battles" investigative mission but the story dialog has to make up for the lack of battles. You have to occupy the player, even on short missions, with interaction to replace the lack of action. Striking that balance can be difficult but not impossible. As an author you need to place yourself in the role of the player. How would you expect the mission to progress from their point of view? I can tell you from personal experience that you have to exercise caution when doing this. It is easy to miss some details because you may see it in your head as you create the maps, the dialog and the interaction but you actually forget some of it. It usually takes me three or four times test playing the mission I’m working on before I catch it myself.

I noted some things to consider with regard to the map transitions from "Andoria System" to "Regulus Mission" and "Regulus Mission" to "Orion Hub". The dialog seemed to be ahead of where it should be. For example "Entering the Regulus system" and then the player warps out of the "Andoria System".

I also noted on the "Orion Hub" and "Orion Smugglers Base" maps the lack of background NPC’s. For example on the "Orion Smugglers Base" map there were no NPC’s except Overseer Oma. I would suggest adding several background NPC’s to this map. Perhaps add a few "Orion guards on the entrance to the hall to see her and towards the shuttlecraft. Maybe add some additional NPC’s working on cargo or consoles.

Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This description needs to reach out and make the player want to click the "Hail" button. Since this is a follow on story it should give a little back ground and then dive straight into the meat of the story you are trying to tell.

Grant Mission Dialog: This dialog needs a little more to it. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Rendeavous with Captain David Ford & the spyship Chameleon in the Andoria system to get your next mission" to read "Rendezvous with Captain Ford of the USS Chameleon in the Andoria system. He will provide you with the mission briefing".

Mission Task: Nice, short and to the point.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a nice and short prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Entering Andoria [Rank]" to read "Entering the Andoria system [Rank]".
-Based on the initial entry into the "Andoria System" map consider changing the response button "Contact the U.S.S. Chameleon" to read "Slow to impulse, take us in" or something along those lines.

MAPS:
Andoria System: Nice simple map. The dialog is okay. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-U.S.S. Chameleon dialog; consider changing "[Rank] [LastName], This is Captain David Ford of the spyship U.S.S. Chameleon" to read "[Rank] [LastName], this is Captain Ford of the U.S.S. Chameleon".
-Consider changing the response button "Head to Regulus" to read "Navigator, lay in a course to Regulus II" or something along those lines.
-The pre-map transition dialog; consider removing "Entering the Regulus system [Rank]" dialog as it is not needed.
-The map transition dialog "Entering orbit of Regulus II" to read "Course for Regulus laid in [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button to read "Engage".

Regulus Mission: This is a nice simple map design. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-Consider changing the initial map entry dialog "Course ready, [Rank]" to read "We’ve reached Regulus II [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Engage" to read "Standard orbit" or something along those lines.
-The map transition dialog; consider changing "Entering the Regulus system, [Rank]" to read "[Rank], we're within transporter range of the base".
-Consider changing the response button "Standard orbit" to read "Away team to Transporter room 1" or something along those lines.

Orion Hub: This is a nice map design and I liked the rain effect. The dialog is okay but may need some fleshing out. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-Consider adding other NPC's to this map along with more objects like crates, cargo movers and perhaps a shuttle or two. It just seemed a little too empty.
-Consider changing the initial entry dialog response button "Contact Talaxian Captain" to read "Interesting" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the follow on response button "Continue" to read "Let’s go find out".
-The Talaxian Captain is displayed as "UGC Contact" you need change the name of this NPC contact.
-Talaxian Captain dialog; consider adding a little more detailed information on the contact. It doesn't seem to have enough information or discussion before she tells us to go see the Overseer.
-Consider changing the response button "Go to Oma" to read "Thanks" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the mission task "Infiltrate the Orion" to read "Enter the complex".

Orion Smuggling Base: This map is a nice design. The story dialog needs to be fleshed out more to add to the story. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-Consider adding other NPC's to this map along with more objects like crates and cargo movers. The place seems a little empty for a "Smugglers Base".
-Overseer Oma dialog; consider changing "So, You're Samuel Jefferson, I'm overseer Oma" to read "So, you're Samuel Jefferson. I'm Overseer Oma".
-There is no intrigue in this dialog. Consider breaking it up into multiple dialogs with responses from the player. It would serve to add to the story and make it much more interesting.
-Post Scan Shuttle dialog; consider changing the response button "Load the shuttle" to read "Interesting. We should get her loaded up" or something along those lines. The Captain needs to respond to their officers reports.
-The Load Shuttle task; consider making each of the items the player is "loading" disappear after the interaction.

Regulus: This map is a nice simple design however I am not sure it is needed in the mission. The entire dialog would actually make more sense on the previous map. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "[Rank], There is a Klingon" to read "[Rank], there is a Klingon".
-Consider changing the Hobus dialog response button "Continue" to read "You're welcome" or something along those lines.

---------End Report----------

Please don’t be discouraged by this report or some of the feedback I read on the mission within STO. My goal here is to help you make a better mission that serves to enrich the community as a whole. Some of the feedback you received inside STO was just plain mean spirited and not worth your time. Keep at it; you are improving as you go. Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/19/2011 on forum posting for: My Foundry Missons.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 93
11-20-2011, 03:31 AM
Thanks for reviewing another one of my missions Evil 70th. I had a nagging feeling I'd missed a respawn point somewhere and now I know where it was! Once again the great apostrophe eating demon has struck and he brought his friend the letter swapping goblin with him. Both will be exorcised in due time.

Again, great suggestions for V1.1 your objective reviews are really helpful.

Thanks for taking the time out to review!

-Ogremerc
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 94
11-20-2011, 07:28 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ogremerc
Thanks for reviewing another one of my missions Evil 70th. I had a nagging feeling I'd missed a respawn point somewhere and now I know where it was! Once again the great apostrophe eating demon has struck and he brought his friend the letter swapping goblin with him. Both will be exorcised in due time.

Again, great suggestions for V1.1 your objective reviews are really helpful.

Thanks for taking the time out to review!

-Ogremerc
No problem. It is a great mission and you are a excellent author. Thank you for taking the time to author such rich and fun missions.
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by deffdog View Post
Missing from the Mirror
by Deffdog

Vice Admiral Shaaded Varzec was kidnapped and replaced by the Terran Empire. The Mirror Operative has been exposed, but where is the real Admiral Shaaded Varzec?
Federation Mission: Missing from the Mirror
Author: Deffdog
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HJ2AQ77MQ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission. The map designs are flawless. The story dialog is outstanding and really draws the player into the mission. You succeeded in drawing me into the mission and making me feel as though I had an actual connection to the characters within the mission itself. Your level of effort and those of the players that assisted you in testing the mission prior to its full release show in the mission play from the dialog to the map and battle design. Also thank you rayvenwing for alerting me to this mission via my weekly favorites posting. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great story with excellent map design and a good mix of tough battles to keep it interesting.

You will notice almost all of the items I noted below are dealing with the use of "Continue" as a response button. I usually call this out regarding the player response to a bridge officer report. In those cases it seems as if the Captain should acknowledge the report in some way. The same can be said for a response to an NPC Character dialog with the player. I call it out in general because it seems to be over used in many missions I’ve evaluated. I feel the use, in many cases, doesn’t allow the player to do more than just read the dialog. Now you may also notice that I did not call out every single one of them. For example; on the "Terran Empire Labor Camp 518" map when they were torturing and taunting the prisoner. In that circumstance it might be better to use a "…" but the "Continue" response still works and therefore I didn’t note that on the map write up below. However I also must stress that this is a personal preference and doesn’t really distract from the mission play overall.

Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve some aspects of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is good but needs a few more details. You want to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. Perhaps link the Vice Admiral to the player somehow. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is good dialog. It makes me want to click the "Accept" button and see what happens next. The follow on dialog with Admiral Stoven is very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with any of this dialog. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Thank you Admiral" or something along those lines.

Mission Task: This is a good detailed task that clearly indicates where to start the first custom map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the mission location "ETA Eridani" to read "Eta Eridani".

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a great prompt. The use of the Cryptic map leading up to this point is very well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Drozana Station: This is a great use of the Cryptic map. The dialog is outstanding. I noted no spelling errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Odumli" dialog response button "We only wish" to read "I only wish". This is recommended because on this Cryptic map the player does not have their away team with them so it seems a little awkward.
-Consider changing the response button "What if we made" to read "What if I made".
-Post "Access the console" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.

Drozana VIP Level: This is a great map design with some tough battles but they are not impossible. The dialog is very well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Vata post "What do you want" response button dialog; consider changing "Those Ferengi are sometime a little" to read "Those Ferengi are sometimes a little".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "I'll see what I can do" or something along those lines.

Chiron Asteroid Field: This is an excellent map design. The navigation through the field and scan inhibitor effect is really well set up and executed. The dialog is outstanding and really contributes to the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Terran Empire Labor Camp 518: This map design is outstanding. The dialog is very well written. The battles are tough but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Chiron Asteroid Field: This is a really great map design and the dialog serves to wrap up the mission quite nicely. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Post "Escape with rescued prisoners" Admiral's dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Thank you Admiral" or something along those lines.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your mission. You should create forum posting in the “Foundry Mission Database” forums regarding this mission. I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by NCC-89471 View Post
"Ghosts of War, Part II" (aka "Extraordinary Rendition") is now published!
Federation Mission - Ghosts of War series Part II: Extraordinary Rendition
Author: NCC-89471
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HI6PMJ2Y8

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great sequel in the series. From your dialog writing to the map design and battles you were able to keep me engaged. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone likes the combination of a great story and map designs with a good mix of battles thrown in.

I really like the use [OOC] in the dialog box to make the player’s contribution to the mission dialog so much more engaging than the short space given in the response buttons. I am doing the same thing in a story I am developing. I noted in several places the use of "Continue" as a response to dialog that is meant to engage the player. As I have said in many reports I’ve filed there are times when this would be a good response but so many more that it is not. You can help yourself out by using a technique that I use. I take the last line of the [OOC] dialog and make that my response button rather than using the default "Continue". It’s something to consider.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description with just enough to make me want to click the "Hail" button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Romulan senator" to read "Romulan Senator".
-Consider adding an author’s note regarding the dialog heavy nature of the mission. That way the players know exactly what they are getting into.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a good Grant Mission dialog. There is just enough mystery to it that draws me in and makes me want to click "Accept". I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: You need to add the start location of the first custom map in the Map Text field for the first mission task even though it was very clearly stated in the Grant Mission dialog. An example of this would be "Rhi System, Alpha Centauri Sector: Interstellar Exports, Ltd." or something like that. This will help the player find their way to your first custom map and reduce negative feedback. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors.

MAPS:
1: Tazen Prime - Space #1: This map design is good and the dialog is well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "[LastName], [FirstName], captain" to read "[LastName], [FirstName], Captain".
-The "black snow in stock" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "I'll keep that in mind" or something along those lines.

2: IntEx - Ground: The map design is well done and the battles are an interesting part of the map story. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I like the way you use [OOC] in the dialog box to allow the player to say a little more in the story. The only thing I do different is I take the last line of the [OOC] dialog and make that my response button rather than using the default "Continue".
-The "There's someone up ahead" dialog; consider changing response button "Continue" to read "Let's check it out" or something along those lines.
-The post battle dialog; consider changing "try to slip aboard to take" to read "try to slip in to take".
-Consider changing "I wouldn't be surprised to run into" to read "I wouldn't be surprised if we ran into".

3: IntEx - Interior: This is a very simple map design. Story dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Map Transfer" dialog; consider changing "best sustainable speed" to read "best possible speed".

4: Barradas III - Space: This is a good map design. The dialog is very well written and the triggers are very clever. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Black Snow" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "That could work well" or something along those lines.

5: Barradas III - Ground: This is an interesting map design with some simple fights. The story dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-For the initial dialog response button I would make the same recommendation from the "2: IntEx - Ground" map above.
-The ruins near the "first holoemitter frequency" location needs to be reset on the terrain. Parts of the building are sticking out in midair.
-The "Contact ship" dialog; in the [OOC] dialog representing the player calling the ship is using my characters first name.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.
-Post "Ship Jamming" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Let's check it out" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the frequency scans to an actual scan interaction. Also consider moving them a little closer together. There seemed to be a lot of unnecessary running all over the map for little gain in the story.

6: Listening post - Interior: This is a good map design with good tough battles. The dialog is really well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post battle "Black Snow" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "We're on our way" or something along those lines.
-The post command center battle "Black Snow" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "We'll take a look" or something along those lines.

7: Barradas III - Space #2: The map design is good. The story dialog is very well written. The battle is good as well. I noted one item to consider changing:
-For the initial dialog response button I would make the same recommendation from the "2: IntEx - Ground" and "5: Barradas III - Ground" maps above.

8: REDACTED - Space: This is a nice simple map design and the story dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "There's another ship parked near" to read "There's another ship near". Ships do not park.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Set course" or something along those lines.
-Post "Approach the station" dialog; consider changing "it's Admiral Youngs" to read "It's Admiral Youngs".

9: Intel HQ - Interior: This is a good map design and the story dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Talk to Admiral Youngs" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Thank you Admiral" or something along those lines.
-Post explosion dialog; my bridge science officer states that "our science officer has something else to report".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I am looking forward to the next installment of this series.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/23/2011 on forum posting for: "Ghosts of War" series update.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by GMcG View Post
So I've just made my first stab at a Klingon mission, "Old Bedfellows". If you check it out, please tell me what you think.
Klingon Mission - Old Bedfellows
Author: GMcG
Allegiance: Klingon
Mission ID: ST-HPBWL4297

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a really good mission. Your map design is very well done and the battles are a well rounded assortment of tough fights and a few simpler ones. The dialog is good. I would definitely recommend this mission to anyone who likes a good mix of dialog and battles along with great map design. Your Klingon character will crave the sting of battle, pun intended, and the glory of victory.

You will notice I noted several instances where you used "Continue" for a response button because it seems odd to me that a bridge officer, away team member of NPC contact make a statement or give the player a report or information and the players response is "Continue". There are places where "Continue" may work, but I would recommend the use of "…" vice "Continue".

One other item I noted on several of the maps is the use of [MissionInfo] feature versus the [OOC] feature when trying to distinguish the difference between the dialog and a description of something the player is doing to help drive the story. You should use the [OOC] feature to describe things versus the [MissionInfo] feature for actual mission related tasks.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a simple but intriguing description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding an author’s note regarding the length, dialog and battle nature of this mission. That way a player can be prepared for a longer mission with dialog and battles to add to the map design.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a very detailed dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank][LastName]! This is General" to read "[Rank] [LastName], this is General"
-Consider adding hard returns between some of the sentences to spread the dialog out and make it easier to read.
-Consider changing "Report to the Kahless Expanse in Omega Leonis" to read "[MissionInfo]Report to the Kahless Expanse in Omega Leonis[/MissionInfo]" so that it stands out from the regular dialog.

Mission Task: The mission task should contain the start location of the first custom map by using the Map Text field for the first map. This will help players find the start point even though you provide it in your grant mission dialog along with my above recommendation for the change to the way you wrote it in.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
System Ing'kocH DuJo SotH: This is a good map design. The battles are well balanced and fun. The dialog served to drive the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors or issues with any of the features of the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "For the Empire" or something along those lines.

Facility wej'vatlh Soch: This is a really well designed map. The battles are tough but not impossible. The dialog is really well done. The “Warn the afterlife a Klingon is coming” was nicely done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Let's kill these targs" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the second dialog response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the report made by the away team member.
-Consider changing the third dialog response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the report made by the away team member.
-The "What is the tactical situation" response dialog; consider changing "[Rank]The station's" to read "[Rank], the stations".
-The "qapla Malth" dialog; consider changing "[MissionInfo] dialog [/MissionInfo]" to read "[OOC] dialog [/OOC]". You should use the [OOC] feature to describe things versus the [MissionInfo] feature for actual mission related tasks.
-The "Continue" response button in this case is actually not a problem, however I generally recommend if there is no appropriate response for dialog use "..." instead.
-The post "Deactivate self destruct" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the report/statement made by the away team member.
-Consider moving the console for deactivating the force field closer to the door.
-The post "Reach the far side of the station" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the report/statement made by the away team member.
-The post "Destroy the Starfleet Assault team" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the report/statement made by the away team member.
-The post "Lower field" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the report/statement made by the away team member.
-The post "Interrogate officer" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the report/statement made by the away team member.
-The post "Defend yourself" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the report/statement made by the away team member.
-The "Reactivate triolic containment field" console is buried in teh platform.

System Ing'kocH DuJo SotH#2: The map design is good. The space explosion you used worked really well. I think this is the first time I’ve seen it work in all my reviews. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post "That was close" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the statement made by the General.

Unknown System: This is a good map design. The battle was good and the dialog was well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider placing the spawn point, battle and objective closer together. It seems to be wasting game time just cruising without full impulse and the objective is still so far away.
-The post “Stay on target” dialog; consider changing "[Rank], There's the Starfleet vessel" to read "[Rank], there's the Starfleet vessel.

Unknown Planet: The map is really well done. The story dialog is well written and the battles are fun. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing "[MissionInfo] dialog [/MissionInfo] to read "[OOC] dialog [/OOC]". You should use the [OOC] feature to describe things versus the [MissionInfo] feature for actual mission related tasks.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the report/statement made by the away team member.
-The post "Defeat Starfleet survivors" dialog; Consider changing the response button "What is the status of the federation ship" to read "What is the status of the Federation ship"
-The “Question prisoners” dialog; consider changing "[MissionInfo] dialog [/MissionInfo] to read "[OOC] dialog [/OOC]". You should use the [OOC] feature to describe things versus the [MissionInfo] feature for actual mission related tasks.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to something that acknowledges the dialog made by the away team member.

Strange Cave: This map is good and the battles are tough but not impossible to win. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Scan field node" task; the button "Interact" to read "Examine the field node" or something along those lines.
-At this point I’m going to stop noting the use of “Continue” as a response button.
In the last chamber the two Starfleet didn’t beam in until after the second round of enemy were destroyed.
-For the planting of the charges consider changing the interaction animation to “kneeling” of some kind and then make spatial charges appear at the base of the pillars.

Unknown Planet Surface: This is a good wrap up map design. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors or issues with any of the features of the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job on this mission. I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/25/2011 on forum posting for: Old Bedfellows, KDF mission.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stylsy View Post
The Vornan Uprising ST-HTV8WHFTH
The Empire will not allow the strategically important colony to fall to the Federation. Your orders are to put an end to this rebellion and deal with any Starfleet interference that arises.

Enjoy, and please share any feedback!
Klingon Mission - The Vornan Uprising
Author: Stylsy
Allegiance: Klingon
Mission ID: ST-HTV8WHFTH

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a fantastic mission. Your map design is great. The story dialog is very well written. I noted very few spelling or grammatical errors in any of the dialog. The battles were tough but not impossible to achieve glory. The sting of the battle was glorious! If you are seeking a Klingon mission with great writing, fantastic map design and glorious combat then this is the mission for you.

At first glance you might think I noted a vast number of items for you to "consider changing" but most of the items I noted are concerning the use of the response button "Continue". I suppose it could be said, that the use of "Continue" as a response button is a bit of a pet peeve of mine. At lease that would be the conclusion if you’ve read most of my "in depth mission critiques". That’s not to say that it is not usable at all as a response button. Your use of it for the final speech at the end of the mission actually worked and I noted that for that map. For me it seems to flow better if the player has some interaction in the story. Others may be content to click "Continue" throughout. The use of the response button to serve to draw the player in and make them feel a part of the story is my goal with the noting of those buttons. Something appropriate a ship’s Captain might say in response to the report from a bridge officer or statement made by an NPC to the player.

Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. The information is to the point. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the author’s notes to [OOC] so they are clearly separate from the information and the specific mission data should be changed to [MissionInfo].

Grant Mission Dialog: The dialog is very well written and serves its purpose to draw me into the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The General's dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Overpowered our warriors?" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the second response button "Continue" to read "I shall deal with the traitors" or something along those lines.

Mission Task: This is a good mission task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task. I have only one recommendation:
-Consider adding the sector to the task.

Mission Entry Prompt: An excellent use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Otha System: This is a really well designed map with a good battle. Your placement of the enemy was very good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial entry dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Plot an intercept course, full impulse" or something along those lines.
-The "Reach the Vornan Freighter" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Shield up" or something along those lines
-The post "Destroy Federation Vessels" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Prepare a boarding party" or something along those lines.

Vornan Freighter: This is an excellent map design. The battles are tough but not impossible. The story dialog is very well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Kill the Federation scum" or something along those lines.
-The post "Defeat Federation Forces" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Let’s find them" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing "near the energy room" to read "near the engine room".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Excellent idea" or something along those lines.
-The post "Overload Forcefield" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Let's go" or something along those lines. Also "Forcefield" should be "Force field".
-There are a lot of response buttons that read "Continue" in this mission. I will note the locations but not give further suggested alternatives. A further explanation of me noting the use of "Continue" as a response button will be in the summary above these notes.
-The post "Clear the Engine Room" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-I didn't notice a re-spawn point change because I didn't get killed. If you did not put a new re-spawn point before "Clear the Engine Room" task you may want to consider doing that.
-The "Interrogate Squad Leader" dialog; consider changing all the response buttons "Continue".
-Consider changing "We should inform General Ch'tang to have a fleet sent" to read "We should have General Ch'tang send a fleet".
-The map transfer dialog is using one of my ships engineering bridge officers. Consider changing the dialog "We should return to the [ShipName]" to read "We have a lock on your team. You should return to the [ShipName]". Also change the response button to "Energize".

Otha System: This is a good map design and it was a good battle. The dialog was good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing the responses button "Continue".
-The post "Defeat Federation Reinforcements" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".

Vornan Colony: The map design is excellent and the battles are tough but not impossible. The story dialog was good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Eliminate Federation & Vornan Forces" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a re-spawn point in the middle area of the compound near the steps.
-The post "Go to the Council Building" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue".

Vornan Council Building: This is really great map design. The battles are tough but not impossible. The dialog is very well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Disable Security Systems" dialog; consider changing both response buttons "Continue".
-The post "Override Security Controls" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Defeat Remaining Enemy Forces" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Kill Tenek" dialog; consider changing both response buttons "Continue".
-The Klingon chairs in the council chamber are buried in the floor.

Otha System: This map is good and the battles were tough but not impossible. The dialog was well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial General Ch'tang dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Defeat the Federation Assault Fleet" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Governor M'empek dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".

Vornan Colony: This is a great wrap up map for the mission. The dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Sovesh dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the dialog for the Governors speech to Vornan to follow the player talking to him. The reason I suggest this is as it is currently set the mission is over before I can actually talk to him and have him praise the player for their service to the Empire.
-The Governor speech dialog; this is a place where the response button "Continue" actually works since there is no response from the player that would be needed.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This mission is well worth the effort to play. I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your missions in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/26/2011 on forum posting for: The Vornan Rebellion / Uprising - New Fed & Klingon Mission.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stylsy View Post
The Vornan Rebellion ST-HCUC4UJML
Starfleet wants you to aid the Vornans any way you can and prevent the Klingons from retaking this strategically important planet before a fleet can arrive to hold the system.

Enjoy, and please share any feedback!
Federation Mission - The Vornan Rebellion
Author: Stylsy
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HCUC4UJML

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission and a great polar opposite of the Klingon version. You definitely did a great job. The map designs are great and the battles are tough but fun. Your story dialog writing was really well done. It is obvious that you spent a lot of time developing this mission as I found only a handful of spelling errors. I would definitely recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great story combined with tough battles and excellent map design.

In my other report I noted several places where the use of the response button "Continue" should be considered for change. I also explained in that reports summary why I felt these should be considered for change. For this report I noted the same things on each map so I won’t go into those details again. The map transfer dialog is an area to consider changing some of the button responses. In some cases the player response button was identical to the last statement of the bridge officer making the beaming notice i.e. "Ready to beam to the freighter" and the response button would be "Beam to the freighter". That is not an exact quote but just an example. Consider changing those types of buttons to "Energize" or something along those lines. It might serve to flesh out the players experience in the mission as a whole.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the specific mission data regarding the mission start location to use [MissionInfo] so it stands out more.
-Consider changing your Author's notes regarding the Klingon version of this mission and your other missions to [OOC] so they stand out more.

Grant Mission Dialog: Excellent use of this dialog to draw the player in. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Admiral Hawthorn dialog; consider changing "colony was an independed state" to read "colony was an independent state".
-The use of the response button "Continue" is okay on the first dialog field to the second. However you could change the first response button to read "Is this a humanitarian concern" which would lead right into the next field.
-Consider changing the final response button "Continue" to read "We're on it Admiral" or something that acknowledges the orders the player just received.

Mission Task: This is a good mission task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task. I have only one recommendation:
-Consider adding the sector to the task.

Mission Entry Prompt: An excellent use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Otha System: This is a really well designed map with a couple of good battles. Your placement of the enemy was very good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial entry dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Plot an intercept course, full impulse" or something along those lines.
-The "Approach the Vornan Freighter" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Shield up" or something along those lines
-The post "Destroy Klingon Vessels" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Prepare a boarding party" or something along those lines.
-Since in my previous report I covered the use of the response button "Continue" extensively I will from this point simply note the dialog location of each of them that I think you should consider changing.

Vornan Freighter: The map design is excellent and the battles are tough but not impossible. The dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Vornan Rebel dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog post "Are these two men all you have" response; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog post "Can we help" response; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Activate the Fire Supression System" dialog in the "Is Tenbek your leader" response; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The ship tactical officer warning dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog; consider changing "we rescue the rest of our team" to read "we rescue the rest of our crew".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue".

Otha System: This is a great map design and the battles were tough but not impossible to beat. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Defeat Klingon Reinforcements" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The "Evacuate the Vornan Freighter" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Ronbok dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Reach the Vornan Colony dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".

Vornan Colony: This map design is great and the battles are good. The story dialog is well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the level of rebel support in the fighting. I didn’t get to engage all the Klingon forces. Perhaps take a couple of rebel groups and spread them out over the whole colony.
-The Menbar dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Sovesh dialog post "Tell me more" response button; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Sovesh dialog post "Just tell me how" response button; consider changing the response button "Continue".

Vornan Council Building: The map design was great. All of the battles were excellent and a lot of fun. The story dialog was very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Override the security" dialog; consider changing the response buttons "Continue".
-The "Find the Rebel Leader Tenek" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Tenek dialog post "We need to clear" response button; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Tenek dialog post "How much dilithium" response button; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Override Security Console" dialog; consider changing "the forcefield to the" to read "the force field to the".
-Consider changing "contact Starfleet immediatley" to read "contact Starfleet immediately".
-Consider changing all the response buttons "Continue".
-The "[ShipName] to [LastName]" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Defeat Remaining Klingons" dialog; consider changing all the response buttons "Continue".
-The Klingon chairs in the council chamber are buried in the floor.

Otha System: The map design is excellent and the battles are outstanding. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The post "Defeat the Klingon Fleet" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Tenek dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".

Vornan Colony: The map is a great wrap up for the mission. The dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Ronbok dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-The Sovesh dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the dialog for the Tenek speech to the Vornan to follow the player talking to him. The reason I suggest this is as it is currently set the mission is over before the player can actually talk to him and have him praise the player for the Federations help.
-The Tenek speech dialog; this is a place where the response button "Continue" actually works since there is no response from the player that would be needed.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is an excellent mission for a polar opposite of the Klingon version. Great job! I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/27/2011 on forum posting for: The Vornan Rebellion / Uprising - New Fed & Klingon Mission.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyle21davdson
Mission name : "The Kniron Incident"
Author : Kyle21Davidson
Level : Any
Faction : Federation
Language : English
Project ID : ST-HFBZQOGKH
Federation Mission - The Kniron Incident
Author: Kyle21Davidson
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFBZQOGKH

----------Part 1 Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission in the map design and story dialog. There are a few areas that need some work and I noted them below. The mission is also a little long but with story that you have and a little more tweaking that will matter a lot less. I would recommend this mission to anyone who likes a good story with excellent map design and some battles thrown into keep it interesting.

There are several places I noted the use of "Continue" as a response button to dialog. In most cases this should be some sort of response from the player. I made some suggestions on most the places I noted. The response "Continue" does work in a few places but for the most part you should put in a response from the player. This is especially true when a Bridge Officer gives the player a report or makes some sort of comment or statement. It is something to consider.

I noted on the "Ops" map the dialog regarding the choosing the assassin. I think you intended to make this a fail point in the mission requiring at least a restart of the map and/or the dialog. Unfortunately now the Foundry doesn’t allow you to fail the dialog. That isn’t your fault but you really do need to go back and change the [MissionInfo] dialog that tells the player they have to choose who tried to kill Captain D'Gark or the mission fails. I read this and the next thing I knew Captain Kunovah tells me the Klingons have left and are on their way to the planet. So as you can imagine this was a little confusing. It’s not a show stopper but it is a unnecessary distraction.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The mission description is good but you may want to add just a little more detail. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Note" at the bottom to [OOC] text to distinguish it from the rest of the description.

Grant Mission Dialog: This dialog seems a little clumsy. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider re-writing the entire dialog to read something like the following: "Greetings [Rank]. I am the assistant of Captain Kunovah, Station Commander of Deep Space 21. He is requesting you attend a diplomatic conference between the Federation and Klingon governments to be held on the station. We need your diplomatic expertise and Captain Kunovah hopes we will not need your skills as a starship Captain."

Mission Task: Even though you clearly state the start location of the first custom map in the Grant Mission dialog the mission task should also contain the start location as well. This will make sure the players can find the start point at anytime.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a very nice use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

---------End Part 1 Report----------
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