Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyle21davdson
Mission name : "The Kniron Incident"
Author : Kyle21Davidson
Level : Any
Faction : Federation
Language : English
Project ID : ST-HFBZQOGKH
Federation Mission - The Kniron Incident
Author: Kyle21Davidson
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFBZQOGKH

----------Part 2 Report Start-----------

MAPS:
The Kniron System: This is a really good map design. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Deep Space 21: The map design is good. The dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "A reasonable precaution" or something along those lines.
-The "Talk with Captain Kunovah" task, in the "tell me about D'Gark" dialog; consider changing "more ruthless than the even the average Klingon" to read "ruthless than the average Klingon".
-The "Tell me about yourself" dialog; the "Is that all" statement at the bottom seems out of place. Also consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Very interesting" or something along those lines.
-The "Tell me about Commander Keeral" dialog; the first response button "Continue" works however consider changing the second to read "Interesting" of something along those lines. Consider changing the third "Continue" button to read "Not at this time" or something along those lines. From this point I will not note the use of "Continue" as a response button. It will be addressed in the summary in part 1 of this report.
-Consider moving the introduction of the "Kniron First Minister" and the entire follow on dialog in front of the "access the computer" dialog. It seems unlikely that the Station Commander would forget the presence of such an important person.
-In the "Kniron First Minister" dialog she refers to me by my first name.
-The "Use the computer terminal" task; consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Access computer terminal" or something along those lines.
-I am going to assume "Starfleet authorisation accepted" is the UK English version.
-The "Tell me about the Kniron" dialog; consider re-writing the entire dilaog. The "move underground" and the "what was lost" sentences are part of the same subject and should be in the same paragraph. Consider changing "They still have severe problems with poverty and illness though" to read "Poverty and illness are still a major problem for them". Consider changing "Only recently, the Knirons have accepted aid from the Federation and are now being considered for Federation membership" to read "After many years the Kniron have finally accepted Federation aid. They are recovering slowly and have applied for Federation membership".
-The "Tell me more about their culture" dialog; consider changing "There are fears that some Kniron will show opposition to becoming" to read "There is concern that some Kniron may oppose becoming".
-It seems unlikely that the Station First Officer would countermand the orders of the Station Commander to coerce the player’s character into stopping the review of the computer data.
-The "Operate transporter pad" task; consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Energize" or something along those lines.
-The Captain D'Gark dialog; he refers to me by my first name. Consider changing that to read "You must the infamous [Rank] [LastName] I've heard so much about".
-The map transfer dialog feels a little awkward. To make this dialog work you should re-write the "Captain D'Gark" dialog so D'Gark requests a tour of the station. This would lead to a rewrite of the map transfer dialog. You could change it to something like; "[Rank] the conference will be held on deck 5, section K2" or something like this.

Deck 5: The map design is good and the dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Post explosion and fire dialog; consider changing "The fire suppression systems are offline! Computer - activate fire suppression systems!" to read "Computer activate fire suppression systems!" Add the computers response dialog. Then insert "The fire suppression systems are offline!" This would make more sense in the flow of the story dialog.
-The sensor log computer dialog; after stating the explosive is "Known to be used by the Romulans" in response to "Is this device used by any other species" the reply is "Negative". Then the computer goes on to tell "They are known to be sold by various criminal elements". It goes on to mention the Orion Syndicate and how it is popular among mercenaries.
-I'm guessing "25:00" is a reference to another planetary system time. Like Bajor or some other planet.
-The "Talk to Captain Kunovah" dialog; consider changing "there ar signs of sabotague" to read "there are signs of sabotage".
-Consider changing "The infirmary has informed" to read "Sickbay has informed".
-Consider changing "report to the infirmary" to read "report to sickbay".
-Consider adding animation to the extra crew that show up in the passageway after the explosion.
-Map transfer dialog and button. Consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Take the turbolift" or something along those lines. Consider changing "The infirmary is on deck 11" to read "Sickbay is on deck 11". Also consider changing the response button "Go to Next Map" to read "Deck 11".

Sickbay: The map design is well done, and the story dialog is very detailed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Doctor Ki'ata dialog; consider changing "He almost took the full wrath of the blast" to read "He took almost the full force of the blast".
-Consider changing "beamed to the infirmary" to read "beamed to sickbay".
-The "Captain D'Gark" dialog; he refers to me by my first name. Consider changing this to [Rank] [LastName].
-Consider changing "forgive my First officer" to read "forgive my First Officer".
-Consider changing "using Infirmary computer" to read "using sickbay computer".
-The computer dialog; consider changing all use of the word "sabotague" to read "sabotage".

OPS: The map design is good. The story dialog is very detailed but a little confusing in places. You may want to do a little re-write of the dialog in some spots to help it flow a little better. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Then intention do you propose" to read "Then what intention do you propose".
-The [MissionInfo] dialog that tells the player they have to choose who tried to kill Captain D'Gark or the mission fails. This never happens and the next thing the player notices the Klingons have left and on their way to attack the planet. Consider removing that dialog and the dialog leading up to that point to include the "Check for listening devices" dialog. Instead you could change the whole dialog to go with the Klingons enraged as the player tries to explain what has happened they leave. They are on their way to attack the planet. That would make this maps story dialog flow much better than it is currently written.
-Consider changing "he had enough troops" to read "he has enough troops".
-Consider changing the Map transfer button "Energise" to read "Energize".

The Kniron System#2: This is a really good map design and the battles are tough but not impossible. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Kniron Homeworld: The map design is well done and the dialog is well written.
-Consider changing the direction the spawn point is pointing since the initial dialog said the ruins are directly ahead when they are actually to the players left on beam down.
-You should consider either adding a couple of battles on this map or removing it as it doesn’t really seem to be needed to drive the story.

Kniron City: This is a great map design. The buildings and the cavern you designed around it is excellent. The dialog was good. The battles are tough but not impossible to beat. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing "The civillian population has been told to stay" to read "The civilian population have been told to stay".
-A group of Klingons to the north of the spawn point is in the ceiling.
-A couple of the buildings appear to be higher than the others. I noticed it because the stairs leading up to them are a good jumping distance to get up on.
-The map transfer dialog shows my ships Science officer who is not on my away team. The dialog is as if they are on my away team. Check the character selected for this dialog.

The Kniron System#3: The map design is excellent and the battles are great. The story dialog is well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The spawn point is inside the atmosphere. Consider moving everything a little further out from the planet.

Deep Space 21#2: This is a good map and a nice wrap up to the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Speak with the Captains" dialog; consider changing "I realise that" to read "I realize that".
-Consider changing the response buttons "Continue" to something appropriate to the two Captains dialog.

---------End Part 2 Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a great mission concept. The story and map design are well done. Keep up the good work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/28/2011 on forum posting for: "The Kniron Incident" - my new mission .
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maziken
I've published my first Foundry mission and have yet to receive any reviews on it, so I thought I'd post the info here. It is really basic as it is my first attempt at a mission.

Project ID: ST-HPCNUKPT7
Project Name: Flotter and the Tree Monster
Starfleet
Federation Mission - Flotter and the Tree Monster
Author: Maziken
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPCNUKPT7

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission. The dialog is really well written. Your map design is also good. The battles are well done. I would recommend this mission to others but you still need to polish it up a bit. Be careful of the spawn point location. All the bridge spawn points seemed really close to the wall which caused the away team to run out into the middle of the bridge.

On the "Forest" map definitely make the "Flotter" character stop running around. It was really annoying trying to read the dialog only to have him move off and the dialog window close. I had to review the dialog for errors through the communications log. I imagine other players will not be that patient. If you need him doing something that makes him look upset choose an animation that leaves him in one spot.

You will notice I indicated the use of "Continue" as a response button. If you look at any of my other reports you’ll see this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I just think it is better to have the player respond in some way to the dialog being displayed. This is particularly true when it comes to a report from the bridge officers and away team members.

The "UGC Contact" notes below. This happens if you don’t fill in the "Contact" field for the NPC character on the Map they are on. Even if you fill in the "Name" field the NPC will show up on the map as "UGC Contact" if that "Contact" field is not filled in. Don’t worry, that is an easy thing to miss but just as easy to fix.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: Consider giving a little more detailed information here. Your purpose with this description is to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a nicely written dialog. Consider adding a little more to make the player want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: This is a good simple mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the sector block to the task. Even though most players know exactly where Risa is it never hurts to add just a little more information.

Mission Entry Prompt: Consider moving this detailed dialog to the Bridge map. This dialog could be as simple as "Captains on the Bridge" or something along those lines. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Bridge: This is a good simple map design. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the "Mission Entry Prompt" dialog to this map. You could have the player interact with the "Ships Medical Officer" who uses the dialog from the prompt here. Otherwise this map really serves no purpose to the mission.

Deck 2: This is a nice simple map design. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider having some of the crew working on consoles or something along those lines.
-Consider adding some dialog with any of the crew on this deck. You could have the player interact with someone working who talks about getting to "go down to Risa after their shift" or something along those lines. Otherwise this map serves no real purpose for the mission.

Forest: This is a interesting map design. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Remove the movement animation from Flotter. It is annoying when you try to talk to him and he runs off which closes the dialog window and you have to start all over again.
-When you "Return to Flotter" the other NPC there is labeled "UGC Contact".
-The "Return to Flotter" dialog; I think you have the NPC’s mixed up. The new "UGC Contact" dialog is written as if he is "Flotter" but it is not the character I spoke to when I first entered the "Forest".
-The "Defuse the situation" dialog is also with the same "UGC Contact" as the "Return to Flotter" dialog.
-The second part of the dialog box in response to "Flotter claims you are" has the "Flotter" character responding.
-For the map transfer dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Energize".

Bridge#2: This map design is good. The dialog is very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing the "bridge officer" telling the Captain to "operate the Comm Console yourself". Consider changing this to a trigger point located at the Conn. make it small enough that you have to move to the Conn to trigger it.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to an appropriate response to the bridge officer report.
-The post Klingon dialog with the ships Science Officer; consider changing the response button "Continue" to an appropriate response to the bridge officer report.

Risa: The map design is good and the battle was okay. The dialog was very good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Risa Ground: This is a good map design with some good battles. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Klingon Captain is labeled "UGC Contact".
-The Federation Vacationer is labeled "UGC Contact".

Bridge#3: This is a nice simple map. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Onscreen" or something along those lines.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a good mission even though it needs a little polish. You already have me interested in seeing what the next mission brings.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/29/2011 on forum posting for: First Foray into the Foundry.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by The.Grand.Nagus View Post
Greetings everyone! I'm happy to tell you about a little project I am working on: The Nagus Dailies. In a nutshell these are short 5 minute Foundry missions that are each based around a common "Trek" theme and can be played every day to complete the Foundry daily and get your 3 emblems(soon to be dillithium).

Why would you want to play the same missions every day? Well, they wont be same. At least not exactly. Each mission will have the same general Trek based theme each day, and the themes are:
  • Distress Call - rescue a ship under attack(space combat)
  • Strange New World - perform the first ground survey of an unexplored planet(optional ground combat)
  • Station Supply - resupply several remote research stations(optional space combat)
  • Boarding Party - a simulation where you defend your ship against boarding parties(ground combat)
  • Colony Defense - defend a small colony against raiders(ground combat)

I hope you enjoy these missions, and if you do please share them with your fleet[/color]
Federation Mission - The Nagus Dailies
Author: The.Grand.Nagus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID’s:
Distress Call: ST-HTEBZM9LK
Strange New World: ST-HHHFZQTU2
Station Supply: ST-HRWNGTRIV
Boarding Party: ST-HF3B59XQV
Colony Defense: ST-HEZA8J4ZQ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: For a series of daily missions that you plan to update each day these are all great missions. I’m sure they will draw lots of players in and they will thoroughly enjoy them. The concept is also an excellent idea. The map designs are great and all the battles were tough but not impossible. The story dialog was excellent. I would recommend these missions to anyone who likes great map designs with nice simple plot dialog and tough battles.

I mention the use of "Continue" as a response button for all the "Grant Mission dialog" and maps. I just think it is better to have the player respond in some way to the dialog being displayed. This is particularly true when it comes to a report from the bridge officers and away team members. That is not to say there isn’t dialog where a response of "Continue" makes sense but that would be when the player is reading a computer log or something along those lines.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing each mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The descriptions are well written and very detailed for each mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors in any of them.

Grant Mission Dialog: The dialog for all the missions is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted only a couple of items in each to consider changing:
For "Distress Call": ST-HTEBZM9LK
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" for the first dialog to read "What happened to the signal" or something along those lines. Consider changing the second response button "Continue" to read "Set course for Wolf 359" or something along those lines.
For "Strange New World": ST-HHHFZQTU2
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Set course for the Kei system" or something along those lines.
For "Station Supply": ST-HRWNGTRIV
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Set course for the Beytan system" or something along those lines.
For "Boarding Party": ST-HF3B59XQV
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.
For "Colony Defense": ST-HEZA8J4ZQ
-Consider changing the first dialog response button "Continue" to read "Where was that signal from" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the second dialog response button "Continue" to read "Set course for the Pellme system" or something along those lines.

Mission Task: Consider adding the location of the first custom map to the task for all the missions.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a very good use of the prompt for all missions. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
For "Distress Call" map: Distress Call: This is a great map design and the battles are tough but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one thing to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response buttons "Continue" to something appropriate to each dialog. For the initial dialog you could use "We shall see" or something like that.

For "Strange New World" map: New World H: The map design is excellent. The optional battles where definitely a nice touch. I did notice that they seemed to be along the most direct path to the next survey site. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Very well" or something along those lines.
-The final mission dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Acknowledged" or something along those lines.

For "Station Supply" map: Resupply Stations B: The map design is very well done. The battles are tough but not impossible to beat. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Very well" or something along those lines.
-The "Resupply station Alpha" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Always happy to help" or something along those lines.
-The "Resupply station Beta" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Good luck" or something along those lines.
-The "Resupply station Gamma" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Will do" or something along those lines.

For "Boarding Party" map: Holodeck C: This is a well designed map. The battles are outstanding, tough but not impossible to beat. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I note only one item to consider changing:
-Post battles dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Great job everybody" or something along those lines.

For "Colony Defense" map: Colony Defense G: The map design is very well done. The battles are very tough but not unbeatable. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I note only one item to consider changing:
-The "Speak with Colony Leader" dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Our pleasure" or something along those lines.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. These are all great concepts for the daily mission. I thoroughly enjoyed them all and I am sure everyone else will enjoy them and appreciate your efforts to update them daily.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/30/2011 on forum posting for: The Nagus Dailies: Now Live!
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by SBCouto View Post
'The Gauntlet Daily'

I have a quick daily mission up for Klingons looking at having a quick but fun/challanging mission to play for their 3 dailies.

I need to get at least the first five test reviews in so that it goes live.

The mission is a gauntlet that you must pass through with secrets all over the place.
It should be fun to replay as you might see something new, but once the five reviews are done, I'll actually be changing the gauntlet between seven or so different designs so that it trully is different when you play it.

PLEASE try it out and give feedback so that I can improve what might not be working well.

Thanks
Klingon Mission - The Gauntlet Daily
Author: SBCouto
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HEFBQDL79

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great daily mission concept. The map design is excellent and the dialog was really well done. The battles are tough but not impossible to beat. If you are planning on updating this regularly it will make it even more interesting to come back and play again and again. I would recommend this mission to anyone who likes a good map design and glorious battles.

Below are a couple of items I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a nice detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors.

Grant Mission Dialog: This dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: This gives a clear location for the start of the first custom map.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
The Gauntlet: This is a great map design. Figuring out the layers is a fun little twist. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Speak to Grin't Rahk'zi" dialog; consider changing the response button "Say that after I gauge your eyes from your head" to read "Say that after I gouge your eyes from your head".
-Consider changing "You all from the Empire aren't big on prisoners" to read "The Empire isn't big on prisoners".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/01/2011 on forum posting for: Qwark KDF Infiltrate ESD.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 105 What do you think?
12-04-2011, 03:34 PM
For many of you who have read my reports on your missions and those of other authors you’ve no doubt noticed the use of the word “Continue” as a response button seems to be a pet peeve of mine. Apparently I’ve been playing “Community Authored” missions for a while. I just started a new Federation character and have been running him through several Cryptic missions to get him started on his career path into STO. So guess what I noticed while playing them. If you guessed, that Cryptic uses “Continue” a lot in the response button, you’d be right. Now despite that I still stand by my notes on the use of “Continue” as a response button. What do you think?

Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sovereign77x View Post
Thanks, Brian. I've actually added a lot of content/improvements since the last time you played the series. On the bright side, the first two missions seem to have weathered the transition just fine. I'd love to get your thoughts on the changes when you're not busy reviewing other missions.
Federation Mission: Deadly Intentions - Part 1
Author: Sovereign77x
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HENIFDVMI

Federation Mission: Deadly Intentions - Part 2
Author: Sovereign77x
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HG3P4W905

Federation Mission: Deadly Intentions - Part 3
Author: Sovereign77x
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HTEOX3GQ3

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: Well I just got done replaying "Deadly Intentions - A Techno-Political Thriller" all three parts and I have to say Sovereign77x has done an outstanding job. The additional objects in the first mission were spot on. The few corrections I recommended from my previous reports were taken care of.

As you may have noticed this is not in my typical in-depth mission critique report. Well I have reviewed these missions previously and Sovereign77x to take another look to see the improvements and corrections he made to all three. As indicated above he did a great job! So instead of redoing the entire report format I felt I would summarize the single item I found that I felt he should consider correcting. It is in mission part 2 on the "U.S.S. Alexandria" map.

I would definitely the entire series to anyone who likes a great and compelling story dialog along with epic battles. You are missing out on a great series if you don’t play this mission.

Part 2, MAPS:
U.S.S. Alexandria: Great map design with excellent story dialog. I noted only one issue to consider changing;
-In the mission tasking following the interrogation of Dr. Araisa the task refers to the Admiral Denai as "Admieral Denai".

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review all of your work. As I’ve said before I look forward to playing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/07/2011 on forum posting for: Deadly Intentions - A Techno-Political Thriller.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maziken
Participate in a Klingon wedding ceremony! For better immersion, make sure your character is a Klingon male and that you have enough male Bridge Officers to fill an Away Team.

Project Name: par'Mach'kai
Project ID: ST-HLHBMAXAV
Allegiance: Klingon
Author: Maziken
Klingon Mission - par'Mach'kai
Author: Maziken
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HLHBMAXAV

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a really well designed mission. The maps and dialog are very well done. The story is very good and drew me into it. I would definitely recommend this mission to all Klingon warriors who like a good story with well designed maps and some glorious battles.

The end of the “Cave#2” map the dialog alludes to a possible plot but nothing else is mentioned in any other dialog for the rest of the mission. Perhaps you are considering developing another mission that deals with a plot against the player’s house. That would be a great mission and if that is the case you should add more dialog at the end of this mission regarding that.

I suggested below that you add a little more to the description. Draw the players into the story by delving into some of the story elements like the cave trials and the house mistress. The purpose of the description is to grab a hold of the player and make them want to click that "Hail" button followed by the "Accept" button. You have to make the player want to play the mission because it is a great mission but they won’t know that until they play it. So you have to make them want to play it with a great descriptive write up.

Below are a couple of items I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is okay but you may want to add a little more to it. The goal should be to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a well written dialog. It made me want to click the "Accept" button just to see what was going to happen next. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: Good simple task with a clearly defined start location for the first custom map.

Mission Entry Prompt: Good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Forcas: This is a good map design. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Player Bridge: This is a good map design. The dialog is okay. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the extra bridge members that kill the bad guy before I can even get there.
-Consider changing the appearance of the bad guy to follow after the authors note regarding the away team and melee weapon. He is attacked and almost killed by my away team and another group of Klingons before I even finished reading the note.

IKS 'Lw'etlh: This is a good map and the dialog is well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The IKS 'Lw'etlh Captain's dialog: consider changing "one that we will certain celebrate" to read "one we will certainly celebrate".

Cave: This is a simple map design but well executed. The dialog was well written. The "Sleep" interaction made me laugh out loud. When I clicked it my character went flat on his back immediately. It was funny. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Cave#2: The map design is very well done and the battles are glorious. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

'Lw'etlh: The map design is good. The ceremony dialog is outstanding. The House Mistress Ceremony dialog is an example of when the response button "Continue" can work. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Forcas#2: This is a good map design and the battle was well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a great mission and I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/08/2011 on forum posting for: par'Mach'kai.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt.PFDennis
I've got a new Fed mission up on Holodeck called "Respect For Your Elders". ST-HB7T73XL4, Level 31+. It's a stand alone solo RP mission that should take an hour or less to complete. Check out the trailer here http://youtu.be/aG2lMqxO3M0

The granddaughter of a powerful Starfleet Admiral has gone missing from the 602 Club. Your help is enlisted to track her down before the Admiral's visit. You've got less than 24 hours.
Federation Mission - Respect For Your Elders
Author: Capt.PFDennis
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HB7T73XL4

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great mission. Your writing and map design is really good. The story as a whole was very well done. The battles were tough but not impossible. I would recommend this mission to anyone who likes a good story with some humor and tough battles mixed in.

There is some minor spelling issues noted below but nothing serious. Most of them are minor and are easy to miss. The only real issue I had was the distances between the trigger points for dialog, battles and objects that needed to be interacted with. I would recommend closing some of the more excessive gaps between these points. I noted some of them below for each maps where I felt it really needed to be addressed.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: Nice simple description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the note regarding the length of the mission to a separate note in the paragraph and perhaps make it [OOC] to make it stand out.
-Consider adding just a little more detail in order to really draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button.

Grant Mission Dialog: This dialog serves the purpose of setting the tone of the mission. It gave me a nice chuckle and made me want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: Nice simple mission task with a good straight forward mission start location. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt.

MAPS:
Starfleet Academy: The dialog on this map is really well written. I won’t be giving you credit for the map design as this is a Cryptic map however your use of the character and objects on that map are very well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Scharf dialog; consider changing the player’s response dialog costume to the Console Prop as it seemed to be the one you used the most. The shuttlecraft is a little confusing. At first I thought it might be a glitch.

Sol: This is a good map design and the dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The player's dialog; consider changing the dialog costume to the Console Prop you used for the "Outer Marker" dialog. It should be understood by using the [OOC] dialog that it supposed to be the player's dialog. You can also combine them in the same dialog window with an NPC or Bridge Officer.
-Consider moving the warp point closer to the start position.

Sirius Sector: This is a good map design and the dialog is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If this was supposed to be a warp effect then I see you ran into the same problem I did with that effect. I'd like to suggest to you what I did. I turned the entire map including the spawn point to face west on the map. Then I used the "Weather StarStreaks West East 01".
-The "Freighter Ahead" dialog response button; consider changing "You heard that , Helm. Close in" to read "You heard that, Helm. Close in".
-The freighter "Audrid’s Bastion" is sitting sideways at about a 75 degree angle to the flight path to intercept.
-The Science Officer report regarding the identity of the Audrid's Bastion comes after the conversation with the ship. It seems out of place.
-The "Map Transition" dialog; consider changing "Aproaching the Andorian System" to read "Approaching the Andorian System".
-The location of the "Aproaching the Andorian System" trigger is located off to the east of the original travel in warp space. If this is supposed to be warp space consider changing the location of this trigger along the original path. If this is not supposed to be warp space then consider removing the warp effect.

Andoria: This is a really well design map. The dialog is well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The initial player's dialog is not in [OOC] as on previous maps.

Andoria Surface: The story dialog is very well written. This is a good map design with a tough battle but not impossible to beat. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a re-spawn point closer to the fight.
-One of the shuttles nacelles is buried in the ground.

Andoria#2: The story dialog is good. This map design is well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the warp location closer to the scan location. Running all over the map can be mildly annoying.

Vulcan System: This is a really good map design and the battle is tough but not impossible. The story dialog is well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "I would save me some time" to read "It would save me some time".
-Elder Tarvun dialog; consider changing "Now do as Ihave instructed" to read "No do as I have instructed".
-Consider changing the player's dialog "Helm, lay in a course for Vulcan, maximum warp. The Elder will be providing coordinates. When we've reached them establish orbit" to read "Helm, lay in a course for the Elder's coordinates, full impulse and establish orbit".
-The "Permission to speak freely" dialog; consider changing the player's dialog costume to the Console Prop.

The Forge: The story dialog is very well written. The map design is excellent and the battles are tough but not impossible. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Elder's response button; consider changing "I am sorry.You are correct, of course" to read "I am sorry. You are correct, of course".
-The "Contact your ship" dialog; consider changing the player's dialog to [OOC].

Vulcan System#2: This is a good map design with a tough battle. The story dialog is very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The Map Transfer dialog; consider changing the player's dialog to [OOC].

Shuttlebay: The story dialog and map design are very well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the crate the girl is dancing on to a small crate. It would make it easier to interact with her.
-Consider moving the turbolift closer to the Shuttle Bay. This would also mean moving the spawn point too.

Sol#2: This is a good wrap up map. The story is well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the trigger points closer together.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job on this mission and I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 12/10/2011 on forum posting for: Respect For Your Elders.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 109
12-10-2011, 04:01 AM
Thanks for playing and reviewing the mission. I count on reviews to point out things I may have missed on my final playthrough. I see most of the suggestions are minor, easily fixable things that my eyes just didn't catch. Funny about the shuttle. The Galileo used to be an empty dialogue image, but that was repaired in the recent patching. I had to come up with something quick to replace it in all the player dialogues. Of course, I must have missed a couple. lol. I will revisit it and make the fixes. Again, thanks for playing. Glad you enjoyed it.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 110
12-10-2011, 08:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt.PFDennis
Thanks for playing and reviewing the mission. I count on reviews to point out things I may have missed on my final playthrough. I see most of the suggestions are minor, easily fixable things that my eyes just didn't catch. Funny about the shuttle. The Galileo used to be an empty dialogue image, but that was repaired in the recent patching. I had to come up with something quick to replace it in all the player dialogues. Of course, I must have missed a couple. lol. I will revisit it and make the fixes. Again, thanks for playing. Glad you enjoyed it.
You did a great job but it never hurts to have another set of eyes give it a critical review. That’s where I come in. Glad I could help. It is a great mission with good twists and turns.

I forgot to mention one thing. I would also suggest placing a "Skip Dialog" button on the longer dialog. That or put a warning in the description regarding the dialog heavy nature. This will prevent the comments telling you there is too much dialog...

Thanks again for authoring. Keep up the great work.
Brian
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