Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 691
05-31-2012, 10:51 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skyline45 View Post
Alright I'll bite. This is my first time ever creating a mission. This is the "pilot" if you will of an ongoing series im writing. Constructive Critiques are always welcome ^.^ But I will remind you this is my first time ever working with the Foundry so some things might be a little ruff xP

Mission Name: The Wave Empire Ep.1
Author: Skyline45
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
ST- HAP9J34R0
Estimated Mission Length: 15-30min?
Method of Report Delivery: Forum is fine

Thank you for taking the time to check it out! ^.^ Feedback is much appreciated
Hey Skyline45,

Thanks for submitting your mission for review. Don’t worry; constructive critiques are the only kind I ever give. You are currently 4th in the queue behind intrinsical. I should be able to get to yours by Sunday, depending on how the other ones ahead of you go.

Thank you for joining the ranks of Foundry authors,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 692
06-01-2012, 05:07 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil70th
Hey Skyline45,

Thanks for submitting your mission for review. Don’t worry; constructive critiques are the only kind I ever give. You are currently 4th in the queue behind intrinsical. I should be able to get to yours by Sunday, depending on how the other ones ahead of you go.

Thank you for joining the ranks of Foundry authors,
Brian
Thank you ^.^ I look forward to hearing your report.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 693 Two Missions
06-01-2012, 07:00 AM
I have two missions for you

Q400 Daily: Deals - Series 2
Level Requirement: Any
Faction: Federation
Handle: @Q400
Description:
For, " Investigate officer reports."

Hunter/Killer: Part 1/5
Level Requirement: 31+
Faction:Klingon
Handle:@Q400
Description:
Hunter Killer Group 3 - Kahless, was charged with finding and destroying prototype and high-importance federation ships.
  • Part 2: In the eyes of the Federation
  • Part 3: Klingon
  • Part 4: Federation
  • Part 5: Klingon
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 694
06-01-2012, 07:17 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Q400
I have two missions for you

Q400 Daily: Deals - Series 2
Level Requirement: Any
Faction: Federation
Handle: @Q400
Description:
For, " Investigate officer reports."

Hunter/Killer: Part 1/5
Level Requirement: 31+
Faction:Klingon
Handle:@Q400
Description:
Hunter Killer Group 3 - Kahless, was charged with finding and destroying prototype and high-importance federation ships.
  • Part 2: In the eyes of the Federation
  • Part 3: Klingon
  • Part 4: Federation
  • Part 5: Klingon
Hey Q400,

Thanks for the additional review requests. These missions have been added to the queue and are 5th and 6th for review behind Skyline45. I will get to them as soon as possible.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 695
06-01-2012, 09:20 AM
Thank you...
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 696
06-01-2012, 01:25 PM
A belated thank you for reviewing Raktajino in a Jar. Just remembered I hadn't replied on that. Your in-depth reviewing is much appreciated. I've got some more significant improvements to make on this one than on the last one.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 697
06-01-2012, 03:01 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by drogyn1701 View Post
A belated thank you for reviewing Raktajino in a Jar. Just remembered I hadn't replied on that. Your in-depth reviewing is much appreciated. I've got some more significant improvements to make on this one than on the last one.
Glad I could help. It was a fun mission amd as I said I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Digimstr View Post
Mission Name: The Empire's Dark Day
Author: Digimstr
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Klingon
ST-HNF68C43C
Estimated Mission Length: 45min to 1 hour
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post


The Federation has decided that now is a good time for an assault on Qo'Nos. They have in effect taken out orbital assests and are working on the ground to try and remove the council and all aspects of Klingon Life.
You are the sole hope of the Empire as resources are stretched thin to repel these invaders.
Discover why they are attacking and protect the Empire all in an Epic of our time.
Head to JFS 47 System in the Pi Canis Sector to start.
Part 1 fo a 3 part series

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Digimstr
Klingon Mission - The Empire's Dark Day
Author: Digimstr
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HNF68C43C

----------Report Start Part 1-----------

Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with many extremely tough battles throughout. There is some story dialogue here and there but you should consider adding a few more to help drive the story a little more. By the way the mission is way longer than an hour even without my note taking. I would recommend this mission to any player who likes a lot of very tough battles and very little dialogue; however it was extremely tough on normal so I would not recommend you try this mission on elite level.

The need to balance the battles applies to every map with combat. You have several enemy mobs on top of each other starting on the “Qo’noS Orbit” map and continuing on “Federation Assault Great Hall Grounds” map with extra mobs that appear as you finish off the initial groups. You did spread out the first couple of battles on the “Clean the Federation Vermin” map but most were still high level groups. Later in that map you began to cluster the groups again. I like combat but the set up was too much and after a while it became tedious. On the “Qo’noS Orbit” map I mention that the “Final Battle” task did not seem to work correctly. As I triggered the map transfer I did see an interact button “Deactivate Beacon”, so I think there may be a problem with the way you trigger the “Final Battle” and what is consider completion of the map objectives. Without looking directly at your map set up I cannot be sure but you should look at it. The large group engagement at the end of the “Federation Assault Great Hall Grounds” map, but I am not sure about the optional tasks on the “Clean the Federation Vermin” map. I actually got distracted from those optional tasks by the heavy enemy engagements.

Speaking of optional tasks, you placed several on each map and they are a great addition to any mission map; however they did not seem to make any real difference on most of the maps. The use of optional tasks and dialogue is a great idea to enhance a mission map and can be difficult to get to execute properly, even for experienced authors. What you’ve done so far is a great start but you should consider making a few tweaks to them. For example the optional rescue tasks on the “Qo’noS Orbit” map, I found all of them as I went to each satellite repair but there was no support for any of the overwhelming engagements at each satellite. Consider changing these triggers to provide assistance at each of the satellites in turn. The way you would execute this is if the player rescues ship “X” then ship “X” appears and helps the player at each satellite engagement after that. If the player does not rescue ship “X” then they receive no help from ship “X”. Those same triggers can be made to disappear if the player fails to rescue that particular ship and repairs that satellite. These optional triggers can also be applied to ground optional tasks you created as well.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the start location to read "[MissionInfo]Head to JFS 47 System in the Pi Canis Sector to start[/MissionInfo]". This will make it stand out.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Starfleet is attacking Qo'nos" to read "Starfleet is attacking Qo'noS".

Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

---------End Report Part 1----------
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Digimstr View Post
Mission Name: The Empire's Dark Day
Author: Digimstr
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Klingon
ST-HNF68C43C
Estimated Mission Length: 45min to 1 hour
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post


The Federation has decided that now is a good time for an assault on Qo'Nos. They have in effect taken out orbital assests and are working on the ground to try and remove the council and all aspects of Klingon Life.
You are the sole hope of the Empire as resources are stretched thin to repel these invaders.
Discover why they are attacking and protect the Empire all in an Epic of our time.
Head to JFS 47 System in the Pi Canis Sector to start.
Part 1 fo a 3 part series

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Digimstr
Klingon Mission - The Empire's Dark Day
Author: Digimstr
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HNF68C43C

[B----------Report Start Part 2-----------[/b]

MAPS:
The Battle Begins: This is a nice map but it seems unnecessary to the story. The entire dialogue with General H’vantak could have been handled as follow up dialogue from the grant mission dialogue. Then the first custom map start point could be the “Kahless Expanse” right next to Qo’noS. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You should give the player a little dialogue to help push the mission forward. Consider adding an initial dialogue from a Ship Tactical BOFF that says "[Rank], General H’vantak ship the I.K.S. Kom Tak Pir is directly ahead" with a response button "Plot an intercept course and engage" or something along those lines.
-The "General H'vantak" dialogue; consider changing "You will then proceed at your discretion to achieve the objectives the he will tell you need accomplished" to read "At your discretion achieve the objectives outlined by him".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "At once General" or something along those lines".
-The map transfer dialogue response button; consider changing "Make best time to Qo'Nos Com" to read "Set course to Qo'noS, maximum warp".

Qo’nos Orbit: This is a good map design with extremely tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name from “Qo’nos Orbit” to read “Qo’noS Orbit”.
-You should give the player a little dialogue to help push the mission forward. Consider adding an initial dialogue from a Ship Tactical BOFF that says "[Rank], the operative’s ship is directly ahead" with a response button "Take us in" or something along those lines.
-The "I.K.S. Mak'tu Mak" dialogue; "orbital defense Satellites that have" to read "orbital defense satellites that have".
-Consider changing "There is also ships that have been disabled" to read "There are ships that have been disabled".
-Balance the combat. You have at least three mobs of enemy engage the player at each satellite repair point. This is hard enough on normal and would be impossible on elite.
-The optional rescue "Klingon Warrior" dialogue; consider changing "I will be ready to assist you inthe future" to read "I will be ready to assist you in the future".
-For each of the optional rescue missions consider adding a couple of invisible object to act as a dialogue and interact triggers then you can give each of the ships names. When the player approaches the initial interact button could be “Hail <ship name>”. The dialogue that triggers tells the player what they need. Then another interact button appears for them to beam over the supplies or whatever the issue is.
-The respawn point for “Repair Satellite Group 2” was all the way back at the initial satellite point.
-The “Final Battle” did not do anything except trigger the map transfer dialogue.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Now that the Satllites are back online the Federation will have a much harder time to bring in anymore forces and we are moving to reinforce orbital forces" to read "Now that the satellites are back online the Federation will have a much harder time bringing in anymore ships and we are moving to reinforce the system".

Federation Assault Great Hall Grounds: This is a good map design with extremely tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You should give the player a little dialogue to help push the mission forward. Consider adding an initial dialogue from a Away Team Tactical BOFF that says "[Rank], there is a warrior to our right" with a response button "Let’s go" or something along those lines.
-The "Ground Contact" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [LastName], it is good you have made it when you did" to read "[Rank] [LastName], it is good to see help has finally arrived".
-I am not sure about a "warrior" or "captain" only willing to help if I find their "house heirlooms". It is a nice attempt to find a reinforcement trigger but I would suggest something like optional dialogue triggers for the "warriors" and "captain" that if triggered by the player they pledge to help fight. Then when the player engages the Federation forces those “warriors” and “captains” will appear and help in the fighting of each Federation engagement. If the player doesn't seek them out they do not appear and help.
-Balance the combat. You have at least two mobs of enemy for the player to engage at each engagement point with additional forces that beam in as you wipe out the initial groups, and on one you have 3 enemy mobs plus the beam in forces. This is hard enough on normal and would be impossible on elite.
-Consider cutting down on the smoke and dust in the air. It doesn’t make it more challenging, it makes it annoying.
-The final battle to enter the great hall appeared to work but you should consider adding a trigger point just outside the combat zone near the great hall that when the player reaches it the final battle is triggered.

Clean the Federation Vermin: This is a good map design with extremely tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You should give the player a little dialogue to help push the mission forward. Consider adding an initial dialogue from a Away Team Tactical BOFF that says "[Rank], there is a warrior to our left" with a response button "Let’s go" or something along those lines.
-The optional tasks indicated in the “Task at hand” dialogue is better but consider changing the “experimental weapons” to “gather intelligence on the Federation forces”. Then you place the dialogue triggers at each location of the enemy mobs and have them appear once the mobs have been wiped out. Then you add optional dialogue regarding what was found.
-Balance the combat. You spread out the groups but still have made them all high level engagements. This is hard enough on normal and would be impossible on elite.
-Some of the “Remove Team 1” forces are up in the rafters of the main hall. That makes them difficult to find and engage. Consider moving them to the ground floor of the main hall.
-The “Finding the lost” task; consider moving the trigger point further into the room. I did not see the prisoners until after the dialogue was done and I wanted to find out what the NPC was talking about.
-The “Finding the consoles” battles need to be better balanced. You have too many high level mobs engaging the player that it makes it extremely difficult to win. This is hard enough on normal and would be impossible on elite.
-Consider changing the console interact button "Overisde Hall Security" to read "Override Hall Security".
-The mission task states "Reset Primer System" but the button says "Reform Primer Routines".
-Consider adding dialogue from an Away Team BOFF after each console is interacted with indicating what has been fixed.
-The constant shaking combined with the heat waves seem to be unnecessary to the story and are annoying. Consider reducing these once the console tasks are completed.

---------End Report Part 2----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing a combat oriented mission with some nice optional mission tasks that with a little tweaking will be a great addition to the mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 06/02/2012 on forum posting for: The Empire's Dark Day (a KDF Mission)
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Q400
Mission Title: Strawberries and Cream Part 2
Level: 16+
Project ID: ST-HNLFKR9GB
Faction: Federation
Estimated Time: 20min.-45min.
Method of Delivery: Forum

Description: The Murder lays unsolved, solve it.
Federation Mission - Strawberries and Cream Part 2
Author: Q400
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HNLFKR9GB

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: The mission is okay but need work on maps, battles and dialogue. There are several places where it felt as if the story dialogue assumed the player already knew something that had not been previously covered. For example on the “Planet Surface#2:” map there is a Hirogen warrior fighting alongside “Aliens” and “Clones” but no follow up dialogue from the Away Team BOFFs mentioning how odd it seemed. They could suggest the player investigate the facility. That would be a good bridge in dialogue to explain why we entered the facility instead of blowing it up. There is dialogue on the “Cloning Facility Interior” map that briefly touches on the why the Hirogen are there but no real details. On the “Planet Surface” map I noted that there is no dialogue explaining why the Federation is suddenly interfering in the alien cultures use of cloning. The next thing I know I am off to help destroy cloning facilities. I do not think this is related to English being a second language to you, it felt like the dialogue was rushed and not taking into account the other story points from other maps within the mission

One other thing I wanted to mention is optional dialogue. This is an outstanding part of storytelling however the NPC triggered optional dialogue does not go away after the player interacts with the NPC. In this case you really only had the one map with that type of dialogue but I wanted to point it out as another way to improve the story telling without having to create regular storyline dialogue. This can be done by using the hidden object to trigger dialogue that will allow the optional dialogue to be removed based on being triggered or if the player moves on to another map event that you set as a trigger to remove that dialogue. If you are not familiar with how to do this there are several great tutorials available on Starbase UGC and many great authors who are always will to help.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description needs more story to it. Even if they've played part 1 you still need to draw them in and make them want to click that "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: As with the description you need more story here to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing “I have landed here several days ago, as the last was killed” to read “I arrived here several days ago to replace the other commander who was killed”.

MAPS:
Planet Surface: This is a nice simple map design. The story needs more development and more detailed dialogue. Without giving too much away, I beam into to investigate a murder and the next thing I know I am off to blow up an alien facility with no real explanation as to why the Federation is interfering in the affairs of another planet.
-The spawn point places the player right up against the wall. Consider moving it out a little further.
-Consider changing all the current "Optional" dialogue to be triggered by a hidden object vice the NPC. This will allow the player to interact with each of the NPC’s and then the conversation option will disappear once the player has interacted with them or once a specific trigger you set removes them. From this point forward I’ll note this on each map and I’ll cover this in more detail in the summary above.
-Consider moving the “Civilian Contractor” back a little. She is partially on the platform and in the air because of it.
-The "Starfleet Forces Commander" dialogue; consider changing "I cant tell you everything about this planet" to read "I can't tell you anything about this planet". You need to add more story dialogue to this interaction.
-The use of the response button “Continue”.
-The "Learn more about the planet" dialogue; consider changing "The Rashana Planet II's inhabitants have developed warp capability 13 years ago" to read "The inhabitants of Rashana II developed warp capability 13 years ago".
-Consider changing [MissionInfo]They have been know to clone there population[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]There are indications that the majority of the population is comprised of clones.[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing "[Rank], you used did" to read "[Rank], you use to".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I have recived new orders" to read "I have received new orders".

Planet Surface#2: The map design needs work. There are triggers that make the building disappear right after a “Set Charge” interaction. With no explanation there are hostile aliens with one Hirogen and clones. The story dialogue doesn’t explain anything that is going on via BOFF reports or anything else so at this point I am lost. Since you go on to explain this on the next map you should elude to it via an Away Team BOFF speculation. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button “Continue”.
-Consider making only one facility interaction available at a time. I got lucky and went to the first one to the left of the spawn point.
-The "Blow Up Facility" task; changing making the "Alien Isometric Charge" invisible until the player interacts with a hidden object trigger. Also move the charge closer to the building.
-The Facility disappeared right after I set the charge before I got to a safe distance.

Cloning Facility Interior: The map design is okay but the combat needs some balancing. The story dialogue explaining the Hirogen needs to have details added to make it more interesting and to drive the story forward. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the console to something smaller that looks more like it belongs.
-This map has pathing issues that you need to report to the DEV’s.
-Balanced battles. You need to balance the battles more. The reinforcements you beamed in to the middle of the Hirogen mobs was wiped out in seconds without even making a dent in their forces.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. While this mission needs some work you are making a lot of progress and I look forward to playing/reviewing your other two missions currently in the queue.
Brian
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