Hi there, can I please request a review of my first foundry mission? Its comparatively dialogue heavy with a middling amount of combat, both space and ground.

Mission Name: Locally Untranslated
Author: Ogremerc
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Federation
ST-HD3P28FUY
Estimated Mission Length: 60 minutes, possibly longer if all optional dialogue is read.
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

I've already spotted a problem with mission assets being destroyed by exploding enemy starships, so that's a future fix already.

Thanks in advance!

Federation Mission: Locally Untranslated
Author: Ogremerc
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HD3P28FUY

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This mission is really a great mission. Your story dialog is excellent. The maps are well done. The battles and effects execution are great. The story twists were very well written. I did not hit your dialog for obvious differences in spelling between the King’s English and American English. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great story along with good battles.

I would recommend adding a “Skip dialog” button to each of the lengthy dialog in your story. This will help you avoid the comments like, “too much dialog” or something like that. You can create a “Skip dialog” button that then leads to a summary window of what the player needs to continue the mission. I first saw this in another author’s mission and started using them in mine. It works great and then you can entertain both the story loving and non-story loving players. I usually recommend it to author’s who like to write detailed stories.

One more thing, I noticed that you haven’t gotten out of the “Review” process because you haven’t received enough reviews. I would suggest you generate a posting the "Mission Database" forum. I think you’ll see your mission reviews go up pretty quickly as there are a lot of players clamoring for good stories and you’ve got one. Let me know when you’ve posted and I’ll update your posting with a summary of this report.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is not a bad description however you may want to add a little more mission information to draw the player in. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Your authors note regarding the mission being dialog heavy should be shorter than the mission description.
-Consider making the note stand out by choosing [OOC] dialog for the note.

Grant Mission Dialog: The dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Lieutenant Stromberg dialog; consider changing "ago Admiral Danforths protocol" to read "ago Admiral Danforth's protocol". This occurs a second time in the dialog right after this one.
-Consider changing "and the [SHIPNAME]s aid" to read "and the [SHIPNAME]'s aid".

Mission Task: The mission task should contain the start location of the first map by using the Map Text field for the first map. This will help players find the start point even though you provide it in your grant mission dialog. It will reduce the number of "Unable to find were to start” comments. It is unfortunate but it is a limitation of the start point for the first custom map within the Foundry.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple dialog. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
1 PXV12 System: The dialog is good and the map design was excellent. The battle was well done in design and execution. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

2 USS Kaidenza: Engineering: The dialog is good. Your map design is also well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted only one thing to consider changing:
-Consider adding a console for the player to access in order to seal the plasma leak. It would look a little better.

3 USS Kaidenza: Bridge: This map design is good and the dialog is very well written. I like the salute at the beginning of the dialog with the Admiral. I noted no issues with the map, however I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Admiral Danforth dialog; consider changing "them positively apopleptic" to read them positively apoplectic".
-Consider changing "may have enother enemy" to read "may have another enemy".

5 PXV12 System#2: The dialog for this map is excellent and the map design is very good. The battles are tough but not impossible. I like the effects you execute including the way you made the disabled ship appear. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The "Talk to USS Kaidenza" dialog with alien vessel; the [OOC] dialog that is supposed to be my character is using my characters first name.

6 USS Kaidenza: Bridge#2: This is an excellent map design and the dialog is outstanding. I noted no issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial beam in dialog; consider changing "The [SHIPNAME]s medical" to read "The [SHIPNAME]'s medical".

7 USS Kaidenza: Engineering#2: This is a really good map design. The dialog is really well done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Admiral Danforth dialog; consider changing "thats a direct order" to read "that's a direct order".
-Tactical Officer dialog; refers to my character by rank and first name.
-I'm going to assume the task "L3st 1n TrVnsl*t1on" is intentionally done as alien dialog.
-The alien beam in for the Commander; you need to check their idle behavior. They kept beaming in while I read the dialog with the Commander and the Admiral.
-Beam to ready room dialog; consider changing “transport to Admiral Danforths ready room” to read “transport to Admiral Danforth’s ready room.

8 USS Kaidenza: Bridge#3: This dialog is very detailed and well written. The map is nice and simple. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Admiral Danforth dialog; consider changing "Its the only way" to read "It's the only way".
-In the Admiral's second dialog window she refers to me by rank and first name. I think it would be appropriate for her to refer to me by my first name only or by my rank and last name.
-The response button; consider changing "Thankyou, Admiral" to read "Thank you, Admiral".
-Consider changing "Its the least I can do" to read "It's the least I can do".
-The "I have some questions Admiral" dialog; consider changing "maybe thats not the" to read "maybe that's not the".
-The "Universal Translator being sabotaged" dialog; consider changing "vulnerable position, In case" to read "vulnerable position, in case".
-The "That's all I need to know" dialog; consider changing "coordinate with the [SHIPNAME]s away teams" to read coordinate with the [SHIPNAME]'s away teams".
-The final dialog; consider changing "Thankyou for playing" to read "Thank you for playing". Without giving it away I did like the "Pakleds" comment at the end.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

Thanks for taking the time to play and review my mission Evil70th! I'm not surprised a small flotilla of grammatical errors made it through, I was tearing my hair out a bit towards the end after being assaulted by a ton of glitches which I'm sure veteran foundry users are used to by now.

Really glad you enjoyed it and thanks for all the pointers for v1.1.

I'll get a decent framing pose together at a slightly more sociable hour and let you know when its up.

Thanks again!

Glad I could help. Good luck and again thanks for authoring...

Federation Mission: Salvaged
Author: tom_riker01
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HO89USKUI

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is an outstanding mission. The dialog is excellent and the map design is really well done. The battles are good and the effects are executed really well. The story twists and turns served to draw me deeper into the story. I would definitely recommend this mission to anyone who likes a great story mixed in with an investigation and some battles as well.

I would recommend adding a "Skip dialog" button to each of the lengthy dialog in your story. You can create a "Skip dialog" button that then leads to a summary window of what the player needs to continue the mission. I’m not sure if you get very many if any comments like, "too much dialog" or something like that. I had a few on my missions before I added the "Skip dialog" button.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: Good detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider making the note stand out by choosing [OOC] dialog for the note.

Grant Mission Dialog: The grant mission dialog is very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing some of the response buttons towards the end of the dialog from "Continue" to something that the CO of the ship might interject to drive the dialog.

Mission Task: The mission start point is very clearly detailed.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple dialog. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
Fitzan: The map design is nice and simple. The dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Grimsby_bridge: This story dialog is outstanding. The map design is very well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Grimsby2: This is a great map design. The dialog is good and the battles with the infestation are an interesting diversion to break up the investigation. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog regarding spiders; consider changing "energy and injests wiring" to read "energy and ingest wiring".
-Response to "Interesting lifeform" dialog; "Grimsby must had a few spiders" to read "Grimsby must have had a few spiders". Additionally in the response button consider changing "lifeform" to read "life form".
-Consider having the away team return to the tubolift for the next map transfer.

Cargo bays: The map design and investigation dialog are really well done. The battles with the spider infestation are again an interesting diversion to keep things interesting. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Post “transporter log scan” dialog; consider changing "the generator and the transpoter" to read "generator and the transporter".
-Post "examine cargo" dialog; consider changing "circuits and de gauss the" to read "circuits and degauss the".
-Post "rewire generator" dialog; consider changing "damage and the transpoter appears" to read "damage and the transporter appears".
-Post Romulan defector dialog; consider changing "incoming romulan vessels" to read "incoming Romulan vessels".

Fitzan System: This is a really good map and the battles were tough but not impossible. The story dialog is well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-initial dialog; consider changing "but the other romulans are" to read "but the other Romulans are".
-Post battle Valar dialog; consider changing Empire who are adamently opposed" to read "Empire who are adamantly opposed".
-Consider changing "don't hold their distateful actions" to read "don't hold their distasteful actions".

Starbase 35: This is a very good map design. The story dialog is very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Transporter Room: The story dialog is excellent and a great wrap up to the story as a whole. The map design is well done and the effects are well designed. . I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Speak with Admiral dialog; consider changing "Several romulan vessels" to read "Several Romulan vessels".
-Explain to the Admiral dialog; consider changing "group of romulans intent" to read "group of Romulans intent".
-Consider changing "our romulan defector" to read "our Romulan defector".

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your missions.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/10/2011 on forum posting for: "Salvaged" by Tom_Riker01.

I was hoping you could take a look at my mission and provide some feedback. Hope this is possible. Cheers

Federation Mission: Running Scared
Author: @Ltbarber
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HU7LF8HMQ
Minimum Level: Rear Admiral
Estimated Mission Length: 30 - 40 Mins
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post

It is one of my first NON-fleet based missions but i am looking to go back and change one of the older missions to make it unfleety. Any feedback you can give would be amazing!

Federation Mission: Running Scared
Author: Ltbarber
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HU7LF8HMQ

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: The mission concept and writing is outstanding. Your map designs are good but there are a few issues. Some of them are not in your control, such as pathing for NPC’s on the “Unknown Cave” map. You should definitely report that issue to the Devs. They can’t fix it if they don’t know about it. Other issues noted below are just details which you need to correct.

You will notice there are several notes regarding the use of the "Continue" response button in lieu of any response from the player. Sometimes the "Continue" button will make sense but not throughout the entire story. Especially where the NPC contact appears to be responding to something the player said even though the response button was "Continue" instead of a question or other element of the story my character might ask. Now that isn’t to say you used it on every dialog but you did use it in a lot of places where it seemed as though there should be some dialog from my character.

I recommend this a lot too. If you add a “Skip dialog” button to the rather lengthy dialog in your story it will reduce the number of comments like, “too much dialog” or something like that. You can create a “Skip dialog” button that then leads to a summary window of what the player needs to continue the mission.

I have one last thing to mention. When you are finished fixing the mission issues I would suggest posting your mission in your own posting here in the Mission Database forums. Let me know when you’ve done that and I’ll post a summary review of the mission after you’ve fixed a few things.

Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is not bad but needs a little more detail to draw the player in and make them want to click the hail button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "reaches starfleet then promply ends" to read "reaches Starfleet then promptly ends".
-Consider changing "Admiral Quinn decides that it is enough to send a small team to investigate the distress call" to read "Admiral Quinn wants you to take your ship to investigate the distress call".

Grant Mission Dialog: This is a good detailed dialog. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "He has requested that you and your ship investigate this distress call and report back with findings" to read "The Admiral is ordering you to take the [SHIPNAME] and investigate the distress call. Find out what happened and report back as soon as possible".

Mission Task: The first mission task should contain the start location of the first custom map using the Map Text field. This will help players find the start point even though you provide it in your grant mission dialog.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple dialog. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

MAPS:
NGC 51997 System: The map design and battles are really well done. The story dialog is well written. I noted no issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the initial dialog response button from "Continue" to "Lay in an intercept course" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the response button to the True Way threat to "We are investigating..." which is then interrupted by the bridge officer.
-Post battle dialog response button; the bridge officer gives a detailed report and the response is "Continue". Consider changing this to "Agreed" or something along those lines. The Captain of the ship should say something to respond to the reports. This is the third note regarding the use of the word "Continue" as a response button. I won't note it anymore in this mission, but will recommend looking at its use in the dialog responses.

NGC 51997 Surface: The map is really well designed and the dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Post second battle dialog; consider changing "Cardassian signatures to the north of you" to read "Cardassian signatures east of you". On the map the position for that encounter is to the east of our current position following the second battle.
-There are a lot of "Continue" response buttons in this dialog.
-Post Cardassian battle; the console is partially buried in the rock. It looks odd.
-The console dialog and response button; consider changing "co-ordinates" to read "coordinates".

Unknown Cave: The map design is okay and the story dialog is really well written. I noted several items to consider changing:
-This is nothing you have control over, but this map has a severe pathing issue that you may want to report to the Devs.
-For the “Speak to the Commander” dialog response button; consider changing "Continue" to read "Thank you" or some sort of acknowledgement of the information other than "Continue".
-Zaria Sol dialog; consider changing "the rest ofyour forces" to read "the rest of your forces".
-Consider changing the use of "Continue" as a response button doesn't seem to work with this dialog. In one dialog Zaria Sol is telling me about the device and secure room. In the next dialog following a "Continue" button she says "I'd like to let you into that room" which so far in my responses I haven't asked to be let into the room.
-When helping Zaria Sol’s crew again the response buttons are all "Continue" which seems out of place. For the "Give Me Food" the response could be "Let me help" or something like that.
-Lieutenant Michaels dialog; consider changing "talk to starfleet runts" to read "talk to Starfleet runts". Oddly the "Continue" response might work here. However you could add additional dialog. Something like a response of "Now see here Lieutenant..." to which Lieutenant Michaels could respond with "I said I'm busy" or something along those lines. One more thing, he is labeled as Lieutenant but the NPC in the dialog is a Lieutenant Commander.
-Post injured Crewmen dialog response button with my away team officer. Again the player should acknowledge the away team input with something other than "Continue".
-Post EMH database dialog; consider changing "substitude Borg" to read "substitute Borg".
-Consider changing "stop and aevetually reverse the" to read "stop and eventually reverse the".
-The "Continue" response again seems out of place.
-Post "Inject Nanites" dialog; consider changing the "Continue" response button to read "Happens all the time" or something like that.
-Lieutenant Barnes dialog; consider changing the "Continue" button to read "I'll give it a try" or something like that.
-Post Re-calibrate dialog; consider changing "break some starfleet rule" to read "break some Starfleet rule".
-Consider changing the "Continue" response button to "Glad to help" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing "Strange readings" dialog response button from "Continue" to "Let's check it out" or something along those lines.
-In the battle following the "Strange readings" the respawn places me at the original spawn point which is outside a force field. There is no way back in which will force the players to have to drop your mission as I had to do. I didn’t leave any feedback on it in STO. However other players won’t be so forgiving. You should definitely add a new respawn point inside the force field, preferably not far from the location of the "Strange readings" task.

---------End Report----------

Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. The mission is really well written despite the notes I made but that respawn point in the Unknown Cave is a show stopper. I look forward to replaying this mission once you’ve fixed that issue. I want to see how it ends.
Brian

Federation Mission - Overture 4: The Ferengi Scherzo
Author: KineticImpulser
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HE4HUYBE8

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great sequel in the series. Your writing with the twists and turns is outstanding. Many of the response buttons are laugh out loud funny but not distracting from the story itself. Your maps are so well designed and the effects perfectly executed that is simply stunning. If anyone who reads this is wondering if you should play this mission and the entire series to date. Then ask yourself if you like a great story with intriguing plot twists and well designed maps with stunning effects? If you answered yes to any of these things then this is the mission for you. I would usually suggest a skip dialog button but in the case of this series it would not be advised and if you do not like long but interesting stories then this is not the mission for you.

Below are my observations and recommendations regarding the various elements that make up this mission with two things for you to look at. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good detailed briefing that serves to draw the player to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors.

Grant Mission Dialog: This is excellent dialog that already has me on the edge of my seat. Here we go... I noted no spelling or grammatical errors.

Mission Task: This is a personal preference based on feedback I’ve read in many other missions. I have mentioned in many other mission critiques the need to add the start location of the first custom map in the first mission task even though in this case it was very clearly stated at the end of the Grant Mission dialog. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

Mission Entry Prompt: Nice simple use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors.

MAPS:
Engineering Deck: This map design is excellent and the story dialog is riveting. I love the second response button choice in the "check EPS" dialog. The third response to the "gone insane" dialog made me laugh out loud. No doubt few people will get that one. I liked all the follow on dialog responses including those with the Eclipse. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Hanger Deck: This is another excellent map design. Especially the way you created the setting "patching the shuttles to the EPS" was superb. The story dialog is outstanding and several of the button responses made me laugh again and again. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

System JYT-6408: The map design is nice and simple but well put together. The story dialog is very well written and as usual a couple of the response buttons made me laugh. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

I.K.S. Be’Ong: The map design is well done and the battle was a nice diversion. The story dialog is very detailed and the twists and turns are outstanding. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

A Quiet Moment: The dialog is excellent. The map design is nice and simple. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

System JYT-1533: The effects you designed on this map are outstanding as is the map itself. The story dialog was very entertaining as well as intriguing. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-In the "Rubdown" dialog your [OOC] instructions to the player state "Merchant of Venus" but the ships name is "Astute Moniker".

FCAV Astute Moniker: The story dialog is outstanding. The map is really well done and the trigger effects are excellent. I noted no issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Of course, I didn't tell either of them where the merchandise came from or where went to" to read "Of course, I didn't tell either of them where the merchandise came from or went to."

System JYT-1533 Redux: This story dialog is excellent and the twists and turns are really well done. The map design is simple but well executed and the battle was a nice diversion. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

System JYT-4871: This map is a good wrap up to the 4th installment in the series. The dialog serves to bring the story to a good ending and make us want more of the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I really enjoyed the mission and I look forward to the next episode.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/11/2011 on forum posting for: Star Trek: Overture.

You are 100% correct to harp on this. It was an oversight. Already fixed.

Funny story: when I wrote this, the Ferengi ship was called the "Merchant of Venus." About two weeks ago, I found a receipt in my son's backpack from when my in-laws took him to Disney World over the summer. Their souvenir shop is called "The Merchant of Venus." I was trying to come up with a Clever Name to replace it. I'll let readers judge if I succeed. Already fixed.

Totally missed this. Good catch. Will be fixed shortly.

You're a workhorse, sir. What, 4 hours, 5 hours, between my email to you and a full report? Nice.

Glad I could help.

I thought your alternate name for the ship was cute too.

Again, I’m glad I could help.

Was it that long? Hmmm. I’ll need to get faster. Thanks for the compliment. I really have enjoyed playing all the missions I’ve been through, even the ones that need a lot of work. Everyone deserves a constructive look and I try to get to the as many as possible.

Thank you and all the others for authoring and making the community missions better.
Brian