Funniest scene in Star Trek History, from Way of the Warrior:
Odo: "Come on, Quark, move it along--you should be at the emergency shelter by now."
Quark (indignant): "I'm not going to any emergency shelter! This is my bar, and I'm going to defend it!"
Odo: "Really? And how do you plan to do that?"
Quark (pulling a box out of a pocket): "With this!"
Odo: "You're going to hit them with a box?"
Quark: "No. This is my disruptor pistol. The one I used to carry in the old days when I was serving on that Ferengi Freighter."
Odo: "I thought you were the ship's cook."
Quark: "That's right! And every member of that crew thought he was a food critic! And if the Klingons try to get through these doors," (Quark's expression turns smug as he opens the box) "I'll be ready for them!"
Odo (pulls a piece of paper out of the box and reads it): "Dear Quark, used parts from your disruptor to fix the replicators. Will return them soon. Rom."
Quark (pulls the paper out of Odo's hands): "I will kill him!!"
Odo: "With what?"
I tell you, that scene was one of my favorite scenes in the entire episode, and Odo's finishing line was just PERFECT!!!!!
The Borg versus Microsoft
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
Fifteen minutes later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
Two hours pass . . .
Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
"Make it sew."
What happened when Yeoman Rand complained that someone had cut a peephole in her cabin door?
Captain Kirk promised to look into it.
How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say, "I canna do it, Cap'n!", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "Dammit, Jim -- I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security officers to die in the process.
What is Riker's dating philosophy?
If at first you don't succeed, try Troi again.
What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A croaking device.
Why did Worf change his hair color?
It was a good day to dye.
Why is Kirk a better captain than Picard?
One word: hair.
Kirk never drinks tea.
Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
Kirk's bridge is not beige.
Nice copy and paste from the website of Top 10 Best Star Trek Jokes ROFL
You may not think it's jokes material but when garak replies to certain sentences from the crew and with a certain way of saying it, its quite funny.
Garak after being Ambushed in his shop by Klingons:
Bashir says in a half surprise tone, "I can't believe you're not pressing charges."
Garak quiped at the response, "Constable Odo and Captain Sisko expressed a similar concern, but really doctor, there was no harm done."
Bashir looked at Garak with a bit of anger and said, "They broke seven of your transverse ribs and fractured your clavical."
Garak replies excited, "Ah, but I got off several cutting remarks which no doubt did serious damage to their egos."
Bashir looks a bit bemused and says, "Garak, this isn't funny."
Garak sits up on the bio-bed with a slightly serious tone, " I'm serious, doctor! Thanks to your administrations I'm almost completely healed but the damage I did to them will last a lifetime."
Datarod encoding for Vreenak on the manufactuered planned invasion of Romulus as Sisko pins Tolar up against a wall.
Tolar in a most distressed and surprised tone, "It will pass. You'll see: It - will - pass."
Garak looks at Tolar and replies with a bit of enjoyment, "I sincerely hope so. Now why don't you go back to your quarters? I'll be along shortly to say... hello."
Garak Vaporizes Entek on Cardassia to rescue Kira.
Garak looks at the other operatives with some hurried enjoyment, "A pity. I quite liked him."
Bashir and Garak talk about the effects of being in the Federation.
Garak feeling a bit trapped then rolls his eyes and says in a suspicous tone, "The eternal optimist!"
Bashir replies, "Guilty as charged."
Garak looks on and says in a disappointed fasion, "How sad. I must tell you, I'm disappointed at hearing you mouth the usual platitudes of peace and friendship regarding an implacable foe like the Romulans. But, I live in hope that one day, you'll come to see this universe for what it truly is, rather than what you'd wish it to be."
Bashir cynically quips, "Then I shall endeavor to become more cynical with each passing day. Look gift horses squarely in the mouth, and find clouds in every silver lining."
Garak almost laughs and realizes the joke and replies back, amused, "If only you meant it."