I wondered the back slums of the First City, very drunk, one night looking for the next bar to be thrown out of. I finally found one and stumbled in.
I went to the Bartender, not noticing the strong lizard stench, and demanded a Bloodwine and was promptly served.
Seeing the bartender was Gorn, I decided it was a great time for a Gorn joke.
I asked him, "How many Gorn does it take to change a -..." and was promptly interrupted.
The big Gorn asked me, "Are you sssure you wanna tell that joke in here? Look at ME, I'm Gorn."
I said, "Ok."
Bartender says, "See those two surly Gorn in the corner there?"
I say, "Ya."
He says, "Now look by the door. Is that not the biggest Gorn doorman you have ever seen in your life?!"
I say, "Ya, he is pretty big."
He asks again, "So I'll ask you again, are you sure you wanna tell that joke In Here?!?"
I say, "Ya, your right. I would hate to have to explain it 4 times."
SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE
Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
Have figured out the stardate system
Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
Playing fizzbin and understanding it
"The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the green skinned Orion slave girl on episode number 7.
You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
You tried to join the navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
You went to San Francisco to see of you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking of a whale.
Your college thesis was a comparison of the illustrious careers of T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say, "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
You have no life.
You recognize more than four references on this list.
You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
The UPS guy hands you his electronic clipboard and you're tempted to call him the "Captain's Yeoman" as you sign it.
Phrases like 'sentient being' start creeping into your speech patterns.
When you find yourself singing "Headin' Back to Eden" in the shower and you know *all* the words.
You start practicing raising one eyebrow in front of a mirror.
Someone tells a joke and your only comment is: "Humor, a difficult concept"
You flip open your cellular phone and expect to hear it "chirp."
You always win the free slice of pizza at the local pizza place when they have Star Trek trivia questions.
You ask local pet stores if they stock tribbles . . and if they're neutered.
You find yourself executing the "Picard Maneuver."
You get on an elevator full of people and have to catch yourself before you tell it what floor you want.
You walk to the microwave and start to order dinner.
Sitting in traffic you seriously start wondering why you're using this primitive form of transportation.
After seeing a news story about a police shooting you wonder, for a moment, why they just didn't set it on stun.
You get upset when you go to get a vanity plate and find that WARPSPD has already been taken.
You see a car with a Starfleet Academy sticker and it seems perfectly normal.
You avoid all stores that carry Trek merchandise for fear that someone will find out about your 'addiction'. :-)
Your wardrobe consists of a lot of black slacks with interchangeable gold, red and blue tops.
All babies start to remind you of Jean-Luc Picard.
You drive by a used car lot and start looking for Ferengi
You start watching commercials because so many Trek alumni are doing the voice-overs.
You know you watch too much Trek when someone asks you to quote some Shakespeare and you do it in Klingon.
You start making lists of the signs that you've been watching too much Trek!
Your Starship Captain might be a Redneck if...
...your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
...he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
...you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
...he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
...he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
...he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
...he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
...he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
...he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
...he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
...he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
...he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
...he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
...he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
...he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
...he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
...he paints the starship John Deere green
...he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
...he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
...his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
...he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
...his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
...he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
...his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies