Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 1 My Foundry Missons
11-10-2011, 06:26 PM
I have made 4 missions of my Orion Series. They are : Orion Pirates, The Orion & the Omega, Orion the Hunter, and Orion's Fate. The first 2 are more intelligence gathering missions with some combat and the last 2 are more combat oriented. I am also working on a new mission called "The Gorn Invasion", which I hope will be the first pvp Foundry mission. It's taking me a while to complete this because it is actually 2 missions a Fed version & a KDF Version.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by trekkie1994 View Post
I have made 4 missions of my Orion Series - Orion Pirates.
Federation Mission: Orion Series - Orion Pirates
Author: trekkie1994
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HMRHMI8XC

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a great concept with a good start but your story needs work as well as the maps. The majority of detailed mission reviews I’ve put together have been heavy dialog stories. Having said that I think a light story dialog mission can work too as long as the dialog that is there explains the objectives clearly. A good example of this would be when I recommend the dialog heavy missions add a "Skip Dialog" button which then provides them with a summary of what they need to do to accomplish the tasks. If you were designing a straight shooter mission with little to no dialog you would at least need to provide some instructions on where to go and what to do. For example "Kill the bad guys" is the task and you add a single dialog window that says "You must kill all the bad guys on the map". Then the player knows that they are to run all over the map and kill bad guys.

You need to decide how detailed you want to be with the story. Then you can develop the story and create maps to support the story. Then you review the mission yourself to make sure it flows the way you want and makes sense. That last part is the hardest for any author to do in my opinion because you already know what you want direction you want the story to go. Now you have to make sure the player that takes the mission will understand the flow. This can be done with dialog or trigger points and so on.

You will find a number of references to the use of "Continue" or tasking in the response buttons below. This is a personal preference but I felt it is something for you to consider. While the use of "Continue" may be appropriate in some aspects of the dialog many others it seems awkward. The Captain should always respond to a report of other information given to them in the dialog. You can also use this as a stepping stone to the next dialog. The tasking such as "Beam down to Kassae III" should be in the dialog as [MissionInfo] with the appropriate response in the button. For example if in the dialog Captain Krog says "[Rank] Dr. Anderson needs your help" in the dialog it should say [MissionInfo]Beam down to Kassae III[/MissionInfo] and then the response button could be "On my way" or something along those lines.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The mission description is not very detailed. You may want to add some more detailed information to help draw the players in and make them want to click that "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialog: The grant mission dialog needs a little more to draw the player in. You should write it so the player is compelled to click the "Accept" button. I noted one other item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "for further orders & instructions" to read "for further orders and instructions".

Mission Task: You mention the actual start location in the Grant Mission dialog however you give conflicting orders in the actual mission task. You should include the exact start point as part the mission task using the map text field for the location of the first custom map. For example you could use; "Intelligence office in front of the transporter room".

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a very detailed entry prompt. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "encountered an unknown shockewave originating" to read "encountered a huge shockwave originating"
-Consider changing "After further analysis the was discovered" to read "After further analysis it was discovered"
-Consider removing the authorization to violate the Prime Directive. It seems unlikely that even Starfleet Intelligence would go that far. If there is a possibility of having to violate the prime directive you should make that a choice in the mission and leave it up to the player to decide without provocation.

MAPS:
Earth: This is a nice map design. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point to line directly up with the Transwarp gate or move the spawn point further away to give the player time to line up with the gate.

Kassae III: The map design is good but the ship name doesn’t match the mission task. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items related to the ship name and the dialog to consider changing:
-Your Map Text says "Contact the U.S.S. Dauntless". The second Mission Task states "Hail the U.S.S. Dauntless". The ship name we are talking to is "U.S.S. Valiant NCC-75416".
-The Captain Krog dialog; he states he "is Captain Krog of the U.S.S. Dauntless" and we are talking to the U.S.S. Valiant.
-Consider removing "Approach Kassae III" from the response button and place it in the Captain Krog dialog as [MissionInfo] with the Captain saying "Meet the doctor on the surface" or something along those lines. Then change the response button to "On our way" or something like that.

Ground: The map is okay but needs a little work. The dialog is okay but also needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Doctor Anderson is labeled "UGC Contact" which is the default for a character who has not been given a name.
-In the dialog with Dr. Anderson, currently labeled "UGC Contact", she introduces herself as "Dr. Marcus" Then goes on to say "If that name sounds familiar that's because my great-great-grandmother was Dr. Helen Anderson".
-Consider removing "Enter the Omega Facility" from the response button and place it in the dialog as a [MissionInfo] with the doctor saying "I need your team to check out the facility" or something along those lines. Then change the response button to "We'll look into it" or something similar.
-The "Take out patrol" task; the first group are Klingon warriors. Was that intentional?
-Check the trigger for the "Investigate the base task". It seems to be off center from the entry point. I had to go outside the wall to trigger it then go back inside the wall to enter the base.

Omega Research Facility: This is a nice map design. The dialog is okay but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "The technology look Orion, but what are they doing with it" to read "The technology looks Orion, but what are they doing with it".
-The response button to the initial dialog; consider changing "Continue" to read "Good question, let’s find out" or something along those lines.
-The Plasma jet effect seems to buried in the deck. Consider moving it to a wall and pointing it into the passageway.
-The "Access Orion console" task; consider moving it to the platform and adding the interact effect "Standing Typing on console".
-Post "Access Orion console" task dialog; consider changing "The Orions are trying" to read "The Orion's are trying".
-Consider changing the response button to "This is not good" or something along those lines.
-For the second dialog response button consider changing it to "Let’s finish this" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the map transfer dialog; "Away team to Essex, beam us out Now!" to read "We've got a lock on you [Rank]. We’re ready to beam you up". Then change the response button to "Energize".

Returning to the Ship: This is a nice map design. The dialog is okay but needs a little work. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Intelligence Officer dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Yes we do" or something along those lines.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Like I said, this is a great concept and has a lot of potential. Good luck and I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/13/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 3
11-14-2011, 04:30 PM
Thank you for your report. While I try my best to make sure all my editing is complete, I apparently missed a few and I will get on those asap.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
# 4
11-14-2011, 09:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by trekkie1994 View Post
Thank you for your report. While I try my best to make sure all my editing is complete, I apparently missed a few and I will get on those asap.
Please don't misunderstand me. It is still a good mission. My report is intended to help you improve it, not slam you for your work. Thank you for authoring and trying to make STO a richer gaming environment.
Brian
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by trekkie1994 View Post
I have made 4 missions of my Orion Series - Orion Pirates.
Federation Mission: Orion Series - Orion Pirates (Re-File)
Author: trekkie1994
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HMRHMI8XC

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: This is a good mission with good maps. The dialog is good and the battles are well done. You did a good job correcting most of the items I found in the previous report and you improved the dialog. I would recommend this mission to anyone who likes good map design with a little mystery and some battles thrown in for good measure.

The initial mission briefing and then the entry point being in two different locations on the Cryptic Earth Spacedock map a little out of place. Consider changing using the second console in the center of Spacedock as both the initial contact point and entry into the first custom map "Earth". This would make batter sense. Also consider adding specific interactions on the various consoles we use throughout the mission. More specifically you could use the "Type on console standing” interaction animation.

One more issue is the Ship name versus the Task and Map Text on the "Kassae III" map. The ship name is "U.S.S. Valiant NCC-75416" but both the mission task and the map text refer to the "U.S.S. Dauntless". You should either change the Ship name to "U.S.S. Dauntless" or change the mission task and map text to match the current Ship name.

Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The mission description is not very detailed. You may want to add some more detailed information to help draw the players in and make them want to click that "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialog: The grant mission dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.

Mission Task: You should include the exact start point as part the mission task using the map text field for the location of the first custom map. For example you could use; "Access console in front of the transporter room".

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a very detailed entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the start location to the initial console location outside the transporter room following the briefing dialog.
-The Energize dialog on the console in the center of Earth Spacedock; Consider changing "we have and are ready to beam you up" to read "we have a lock on you and are ready to beam you up".

MAPS:
Earth: This is a good map design. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

Kassae III: The map design is good. I noted a couple of items related to the ship name and the dialog to consider changing:
-Your Map Text says "Rendeavous with the U.S.S. Dauntless". Consider changing "Rendeavous" to read "Rendezvous".
-The second Mission Task states "Hail the U.S.S. Dauntless". The ship name we are talking to is "U.S.S. Valiant NCC-75416". Consider changing wither the ship name to "U.S.S. Dauntless" or change the Map text and the second mission task to match the ships name.
-The Captain Krog dialog; he states he "is Captain Krog of the U.S.S. Dauntless" and we are talking to the U.S.S. Valiant.

Ground: The map is good. The dialog is good. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing "Enter the Omega Facility" from the response button and place it in the dialog as a [MissionInfo] with the doctor saying "I need your team to check out the facility" or something along those lines. Then change the response button to "We'll look into it" or something similar.
-Consider adding a warning from Dr. Anderson regarding the presence of patrols.

Omega Research Facility: This is a good map design. The dialog is really well done. You did a great job reworking the dialog. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Science officer dialog reports "Tactical console is in the room to the north of your team" however the room is to the east of the team.

Returning to the Ship: This is a good map design. The dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.

---------End Report----------

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I am looking forward to reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/15/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Lt. Commander
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by trekkie1994 View Post
I have made 4 missions of my Orion Series - The Orion & the Omega.
Federation Mission: Orion Series - The Orion & the Omega
Author: trekkie1994
Allegiance: Federation
Mission ID: ST-HEQ2WRZEG

----------Report Start-----------

Summary: The overall mission concept is great however the story itself and some of the maps need more detail. Many players like a good "no battles" investigative mission but the story dialog has to make up for the lack of battles. You have to occupy the player, even on short missions, with interaction to replace the lack of action. Striking that balance can be difficult but not impossible. As an author you need to place yourself in the role of the player. How would you expect the mission to progress from their point of view? I can tell you from personal experience that you have to exercise caution when doing this. It is easy to miss some details because you may see it in your head as you create the maps, the dialog and the interaction but you actually forget some of it. It usually takes me three or four times test playing the mission I’m working on before I catch it myself.

I noted some things to consider with regard to the map transitions from "Andoria System" to "Regulus Mission" and "Regulus Mission" to "Orion Hub". The dialog seemed to be ahead of where it should be. For example "Entering the Regulus system" and then the player warps out of the "Andoria System".

I also noted on the "Orion Hub" and "Orion Smugglers Base" maps the lack of background NPC’s. For example on the "Orion Smugglers Base" map there were no NPC’s except Overseer Oma. I would suggest adding several background NPC’s to this map. Perhaps add a few "Orion guards on the entrance to the hall to see her and towards the shuttlecraft. Maybe add some additional NPC’s working on cargo or consoles.

Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This description needs to reach out and make the player want to click the "Hail" button. Since this is a follow on story it should give a little back ground and then dive straight into the meat of the story you are trying to tell.

Grant Mission Dialog: This dialog needs a little more to it. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Rendeavous with Captain David Ford & the spyship Chameleon in the Andoria system to get your next mission" to read "Rendezvous with Captain Ford of the USS Chameleon in the Andoria system. He will provide you with the mission briefing".

Mission Task: Nice, short and to the point.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a nice and short prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Entering Andoria [Rank]" to read "Entering the Andoria system [Rank]".
-Based on the initial entry into the "Andoria System" map consider changing the response button "Contact the U.S.S. Chameleon" to read "Slow to impulse, take us in" or something along those lines.

MAPS:
Andoria System: Nice simple map. The dialog is okay. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-U.S.S. Chameleon dialog; consider changing "[Rank] [LastName], This is Captain David Ford of the spyship U.S.S. Chameleon" to read "[Rank] [LastName], this is Captain Ford of the U.S.S. Chameleon".
-Consider changing the response button "Head to Regulus" to read "Navigator, lay in a course to Regulus II" or something along those lines.
-The pre-map transition dialog; consider removing "Entering the Regulus system [Rank]" dialog as it is not needed.
-The map transition dialog "Entering orbit of Regulus II" to read "Course for Regulus laid in [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button to read "Engage".

Regulus Mission: This is a nice simple map design. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-Consider changing the initial map entry dialog "Course ready, [Rank]" to read "We’ve reached Regulus II [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Engage" to read "Standard orbit" or something along those lines.
-The map transition dialog; consider changing "Entering the Regulus system, [Rank]" to read "[Rank], we're within transporter range of the base".
-Consider changing the response button "Standard orbit" to read "Away team to Transporter room 1" or something along those lines.

Orion Hub: This is a nice map design and I liked the rain effect. The dialog is okay but may need some fleshing out. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-Consider adding other NPC's to this map along with more objects like crates, cargo movers and perhaps a shuttle or two. It just seemed a little too empty.
-Consider changing the initial entry dialog response button "Contact Talaxian Captain" to read "Interesting" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the follow on response button "Continue" to read "Let’s go find out".
-The Talaxian Captain is displayed as "UGC Contact" you need change the name of this NPC contact.
-Talaxian Captain dialog; consider adding a little more detailed information on the contact. It doesn't seem to have enough information or discussion before she tells us to go see the Overseer.
-Consider changing the response button "Go to Oma" to read "Thanks" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing the mission task "Infiltrate the Orion" to read "Enter the complex".

Orion Smuggling Base: This map is a nice design. The story dialog needs to be fleshed out more to add to the story. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-Consider adding other NPC's to this map along with more objects like crates and cargo movers. The place seems a little empty for a "Smugglers Base".
-Overseer Oma dialog; consider changing "So, You're Samuel Jefferson, I'm overseer Oma" to read "So, you're Samuel Jefferson. I'm Overseer Oma".
-There is no intrigue in this dialog. Consider breaking it up into multiple dialogs with responses from the player. It would serve to add to the story and make it much more interesting.
-Post Scan Shuttle dialog; consider changing the response button "Load the shuttle" to read "Interesting. We should get her loaded up" or something along those lines. The Captain needs to respond to their officers reports.
-The Load Shuttle task; consider making each of the items the player is "loading" disappear after the interaction.

Regulus: This map is a nice simple design however I am not sure it is needed in the mission. The entire dialog would actually make more sense on the previous map. I noted a couple of items consider changing:
-Initial dialog; consider changing "[Rank], There is a Klingon" to read "[Rank], there is a Klingon".
-Consider changing the Hobus dialog response button "Continue" to read "You're welcome" or something along those lines.

---------End Report----------

Please don’t be discouraged by this report or some of the feedback I read on the mission within STO. My goal here is to help you make a better mission that serves to enrich the community as a whole. Some of the feedback you received inside STO was just plain mean spirited and not worth your time. Keep at it; you are improving as you go. Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to playing and reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 11/19/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
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