Back in the dark days of 2002 was a community of trek gamers that delved into the computergame Starfleet Command-II (from the now defunct interplay) And over buried in the archives of Dynaverse net lay hidden away in dusty elecrtonic files.. (yes yes I know electronic files cant be dusty but I'm trying to set a mood here so bear with me!) the tale of the most dreaded insterstellar secret society ever to develop. So Insidious, so powerfull so utterly mercellious they were. Such an orginization could not have orginated with in the minds of men...
It took the women to do it..
It started small.. a few wives of famous starfleet captains and the wives of some equally famous Gorn and Kizinti captains were off shopping at one of the many somewhat shady trade stations operated by the Orion syndicates (there was a massive intersteller war on at the time.. some thing were just phenominally hard to get with with trade blown to perdition and everyone shooting at each other.. you get the picture...) ... well any way.. these wives quite by accident stumbled across the wives of thier Klingon, Romulan and Lyran counterparts... While thier empires might have been at war the ladies discovered that they got along quite well. And they all had something very much in common... They liked to go shopping.. After all thier husbands were all phenominally well paid starship captains and fleet admirals and the like. Now both parties of women had security escorts of course which without even a word to each other they both proceeded to dump.
The ladies returned home form thier shopping some weeks later with the detrermination that the boys could play with thier toys all they wanted to but this interference with commerce... specificly shopping, just
had to stop. The Orion syndicates (which as we all now know were run by women) decided to lend thier considerable gifts to this worthy enterprise and so was born W.A.N.K.E.R. (No I don't actually know what it is an acronym for but I'm certain it was specificly chosen to confuse those who would try to interfear with thier plans.. I mean mean really think about it.. some agent reporting to Startfleett intellegence or Klingon Imperial intellegence on the latest activities of ****ER? I sure YOU would be proud to deliver that report to your superiors! The fleets were pretty chavenistic in those days just so you know).
Well the final result of this was rather confusing.. The women got involved... Captains and ships missed critical battles because the wife insisted that they go shopping with them and of course the Admirals wife hertily agreeing (any real world military types out there know EXACTLY what I'm talking about!) and what should have been a series of strait forward campaigns for galactic dominace lasting perhapes 5 to 10 years ended up be a muddied mess of shifting alliances, broken treaties and failed opertions that kept fleets tied up for the next 5 decades! The directions of capaigns changed entirely from military objectives to "Honey, I just must have some more aldebaran silk, but they want so much for it down at the mall.. could you see about maybe, you know, talking to them.. take a battle group with you! It'll be more convincing! Oh no honey the mall shops.. the planet Aldebaran!"
The effects of grand stratgy were devestating! Entire fleet would swing into action to take a world and then leave a customs patrol shuttle to keep an eye on things.. (said shuttle with instruction to rightfully flee at the first sign of any real warships!) while they hared off to the far side of the sector. The women of ****ER managed to totally infiltrate every major intelligence agency of the known galaxy and manipulated the flow of information to such an extent that no one really knew where anyone else actually was in thier own fleets much less the enemy's fleets. It was during this period that some starfleet ships discover skirts as optional uniforms for serving males. Some captains were fine with it, while others would retreat in embarassed confusion to the relive safety of thier briefing rooms at the appreciative wolf wistles from the female yomen (who by the way were every last one a ****ER operative)
In the altarnate universe/timeline where this happend the Borg also made an apperance.
That invasion didn't last long at all... ****ER promptly managed to infiltrate the Borg (who kind of understood some of the basics of the art of shopping but had never truely developed the concept.. something about that whole collective conciousness/hive mind thing..) After several cube were captured, and redecorated with some lovely window hangings and refitted with the latest of cordon blu quality kitchens for the preperation of proper rations, and thier drone reprogrammed of course. Said cubes with returned to the borg collective with catastrophic results to the same. The Borg discovered for the first time in thier history there are somethings you just don't want to assimilate and have stayed far away from the Alpha quadrant ever since!
So Captains.. I bring you this little tale from other time and another place so very much like our own yet different. If you find your self suddenly looking down the packed isle of the women lingere secton in the middle of an away mission and the women on your crew get these curious little smiles run.. do not walk, run. Get out of there while you still can. Or the next thing you know YOU will be burdened with various and assorted "items" ranging from various and assorted undergarments, shoes, coats, assorted dresses an aa variety of styles, perfumes and toiletries and agreeing that maybe the bridge could use some new wall hangings! (which likely is true.. I mean really most ships bridges are simply horrid places to work!)
If you find your female crewman always seem to be talking with each other and leaving YOU out of the coversation then it may be entirly possible that your ship has been infiltrated by the agents of ****ER.
If this does happen I have no advice to give you other then to suggest retirement if you really want to avoid the whole thing. In the universe I came from we were forced to declare peace. *sighs* We were once great warriors... Now all we do is empty the selat's waste box, take out the trash, and bring in the shopping.. and try very hard not make waves....
Oh oh, I have to go now... My wife is calling.............